I finally caught Open Water the other night, which was more or less inevitable because I must see every shark-related movie created or I'll get really sick and die. I don't want to come down too hard on it, for a few reasons -- they did a lot on a shoestring, they did it without the CG nonsense and they did it without manifesting the shark as some kind of villain character with intentions that go well beyond that of any actual shark. As I've been telling random people on the streets, Open Water is a perfectly acceptable film...if you watch it on mute. Seriously, you'll get everything you need from it, and you won't have to hear that damn bad dialogue.

I can appreciate how tough it must be to write a movie-length script for two characters floating in the ocean, but man, it really hurt the impact here. For me, the idea of being trapped in the water is scary enough. I tend to think most everyone else on the planet would agree. In Open Water, the characters only seem legitimately, hardcore concerned when the sharks are like, six inches from their heads. They're pissed and worried, but they're not frantic. They're bickering at each other, they're throwing in some jokes, they're talking about bullshit stuff -- NO NO NO. NOBODY WOULD DO THIS. I'm not sure how it could've been corrected, because in reality, the situation the characters were in isn't exactly conducive to talking at all. When I saw Open Water, I wasn't scared, but I sure was wondering why the characters onscreen weren't.

Plus, I was so grossed out by the woman puking in the water during the first half of the film that I just couldn't wrap my head around the rest. I spent half the movie being disgusted at the idea of them floating around in her puke chunks. When I locate the Infinity Gems and affix them to my left-hand Freezy Freakie, the first thing I'll do is ban vomit from cinema altogether.

Wait, I just remembered something else and IT NEEDS TO BE SAID.

Minor spoiler alert, but nothing major -- stop reading if you need a clean slate for your first viewing. Okay? Okay. So, you may be wondering how the lovebirds get stuck in the ocean. While vacationing, they go on a diving expedition, and a misfired headcount by one of the boat people sends the rest of the divers back to shore while our star characters pet a big eel underwater. This actually plays out fine -- it doesn't feel too incidental or whatever. Still, there was one thing that totally bugged me. There were like a dozen divers on the expedition, mostly male. While they're on the boat heading to the proper sea area, the heroine's twirling around her hair while her tits plop out of her suit -- exactly what you're seeing in that pic there. Now, here's my issue: on the boat ride home, you're telling me that none of the other divers were going to be looking for that girl, hoping to catch another "oopsie" glimpse? C'mon. Somebody would've noticed that she wasn't there. Boob humor isn't my strong suit -- I'm not saying this to be hysterical. Watch Open Water, and tell me you didn't notice this.