Last night, a few friends and I ran out of things to do and decided to throw in a movie. My collection being what it is, unpalatable to all but me, pickings were slim. Perhaps it was the weather, or the cold sampler of Michelob winter beers, but we went with Jaws: The Revenge and hoped for the best. We'd all seen the movie before, but not for a long time. Memories were hazy. Perhaps it wasn't as awful as we recalled. Perhaps. Here is a recreation of the action, sort of:
Ho hum ho hum ho.
KEY THING:
1) With choices only ranging between Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger, my friends agree to a "harmless" showing of Jaws: The Revenge, a film in which the nigh-title character gets about 12 seconds of screen time, and even still, he has to share it with Mario Van Peebles.
2) Delighted by a photo on the inside cover, our memories of the movie are twisted into believing that we should get all dizzy with anticipation over the Infamous Michael Caine Hoagie Versus Shark Flying Plane Scene. This becomes important later.
3) The generous bonus materials on the DVD included one grainy trailer and what's shown in the picture -- a thorough list of recommendations, presented as a screen displaying the DVD boxes for the previous three Jaws flicks. Amazing.
4) Just in case any of us thought that years of amping ourselves up with sugarcoated exaggeration took us away from the truth, no, Lorraine Gary really was out of her balls crazy in Jaws: The Revenge. Holy Mary.
5) PEEBLES! PEEBLES! PEEBLES! He should be in every movie and in every big moment of our lives, each and every.
6) Looks like we made up the Infamous Michael Caine Hoagie Versus Shark Flying Plane Scene in our heads. Turns out all the shark does is kinda hustle the plane with its fins and drag it underwater. From the picture, we figured Caine was gonna hop out into the water and wrestle Bruce down to the shallows, ripping at the shark's gills. This was seriously disappointing.
On the upside, I bought the DVD for fifty cents at the gas station up the street.
Posted by Matt on 01/02/2005. E-mail me!
Chestnuts roasted by 
50-cent movies are the only way to go.