What you see above is no illusion -- they are indeed Santa Pens. Santa Pens, a rare ballpoint species from up guess which direction, come in many shapes and sizes. They're like people with ink inside. Perhaps they're more like squid. They're mystical creatures in any event, capable of enormous feats and fantastic Christmas miracles. This of course is a cheap way to remind you that the Advent and Advert Calendars have been updated for December 8th, with weird sticks and Hallmark Cards. You walked right into that one, dolt. Now you will pay the old fashioned way.

One of the Santa Pens is of the boxing variety, which is to say, he'll throw jabs with the push of a mildly concealed lever above his ass. He's wearing his championship white gloves, so you know his skillet be sizzlin. The other Santa Pen reacts to the first Santa Pen's Pen Powers the way any Santa Pen without boxing ability would: by bulging his eyes out in tribute to the only scene from Total Recall I can firmly remember besides the classic "three hands" gag. And, for some reason, I remember that dying, gasping goldfish pretty well, too. Glup bulp glub gasp. Dead fish. Bad man. Cut to tired midget sucking wind out of a fan. I love Santa Pens.