Somehow, the babbling you’re about to read through pertains to the dragon robot dude shown above.

We hit the department stores this past weekend, ostensibly to shop for gifts but really because I try to clock as much time as possible in the retail world during the holiday season. I love it. I love the holly trim all over the stores, the lights, the endless stream of Christmas music playing softly over the speaker system. I love all of it. My love for it is so intense that I’m already getting depressed thinking about how it’ll all be gone in a month.

Sigh.

Anyway, we ended up at K-Mart, which normally isn’t something I’d confess to the web crowd because it just ain’t hip, but go frig yourself – the 7-11 Slurpee hasn’t got shit on K’s Icee. I live in a veritable sea of department stores, from the chic, to the affordable, to the upscale, to K-Mart. I have no clue if this is a running trait amongst all K-Mart stores, but the two within driving distance of our apartment (also the two I grew up knowing) are just…I dunno…sad. I’m not talking about the cleanliness or staff courtesy, though we could speak on either topic at length and have oodles of fun using descriptive adjectives. I’m talking more about the people who shop there, and how without fail, I always leave the store swearing up and down that I’m going to give up my playboy lifestyle to work with old/poor/sick people. I wouldn’t consider myself the type under normal circumstances, but K-Mart really brings it out in you. Let me explain. Please?

So, we’re in K-Mart, and of course, I’m in the toy section. We’d already ransacked the Christmas decorations and spot-checked for any limited edition Kellogg’s cereals enhanced with candy cane shaped marshmallows. I start with the normal boy-toy action figure aisle – toys are hideously overpriced at our K-Mart, but on occasion there’s a nice clearance sale worth looking into. So far, my best score were a pair of Transformers Unicron figures marked down to EIGHT DOLLARS. Really. They were running one of those “half off whatever the tag says” sales, and they were clearing out a horde of Unicron figures in beat up boxes. Strangely, the prices weren’t static from Unicron to Unicron – they had all different prices, and after much searching, I found two in perfect shape going for sixteen bucks a pop. This was already a bargain, but after that final markdown, it was insane plastic heavenly bliss…especially after I ran the things to Toys ‘R” Us for full store credit. It’s okay to damn the man once in a while.

I’m going on many miniature tangents, and for this I apologize. I did have a point, and we’re almost there. And, after that, you’ll get to see a really twisted bootleg Dragonzord thingy. Everyone wins.

After scouring the action figure aisle, I come across a “new” aisle, devoted to generic, knockoff toys for low prices – a Christmas special. This wasn’t the usual collection of crap – most of it was from a company called “Just Kidz,” who’d taken pages from every successful line out there, bought a ton of shitty materials and took classes on how to make bad toys look great in the package. I saw all of these elderly ladies, obviously on a fixed income, just dumbstruck staring at this stuff, not knowing what to buy. It doesn’t sound so bad when I put it on paper, figuratively, but I was completely depressed at the store. Worse yet were the younger mothers sorting through the crap, again, obviously on fixed incomes. Some of them looked positively guilty to be in the “bootleg” aisle, knowing full well that Little Jimmy’s friends at school were all getting Nintendo DS systems and personal robot slaves with boobs. Little Jimmy wouldn’t stand a chance with his Guy Who Vaguely Looks Like Duke figure. Little Jimmy wouldn’t stand a chance at all.

Okay, it’s not really the kids I’m feeling bad for here – it’s their parents. I don’t know why. This probably isn’t as big of a deal to them. The “good” Christmas presents are all so expensive. It’s no secret that action figures, playsets and the like have taken a major backseat to electronics. Video games are the #1 by far, nearly crumbling the entire toy industry under their weight, and there’s zillions of families that just can’t afford to let their kids hop on the trend by buying games, much less systems, much less system after system after system. No, this isn’t the end all, be all sad story – there’s no orphans in a hospital and nobody’s homeless, but you’ve gotta feel for the families that are just struggling to keep up during the holidays.

Even more sad is the fact that we’re too image and brand conscious – children who unwrap something from the “Just Kidz” line are probably gonna stick forks through a Santa doll’s eyes, but really, the toys aren’t that bad. A little on the cheap side and a little misshapen, but not THAT bad. That brings me back to the original purpose of this entry, and in case you’ve forgotten it in the six hours it took to read this far, a reminder:

Yes, it’s Just Kidz’ “Dino Mega Cruiser,” combining elements from G.I. Joe and Power Rangers to create one big mighty mess of plastic mayhem. Retailing for ten bucks (not 9.99, not 9.97, but 10.00 -- too rare to resist), it’s a massive set with over twenty weapons and accessories. More on that in a sec. The big green dinosaur thing looks remarkably like the Green Ranger’s Zord, save for one difference: this one spouts off military phrases in a decidedly non-dino tone of voice if you push the buttons on one of his legs. Dragon Dude doesn’t say anything memorable (“Lock & Load!”), but the fact that he says anything at all is enough to justify a ten buck price tag. Though nothing to write home about when everything’s out of the box and revealed to be a pile of crap, it’s wrapped up all nice and showy – doesn’t look like the kind of assortment that’d inspire disappointment under the tree. Neat.

The weapons and accessories…not so good. There’s two military figures posed in such a way that they look like they’re busting out their best “coochie coochie” Charo impressions. There’s a huge pile of plastic/rubber weapons and accessories, including some mildly odd choices: cell phones, pipes and purses are among the stranger entries. There’s a bunch of rifles and shit meant for the figures but far too large for their hands to hold, not to mention a few fences that can’t stand vertical without the aid of glue. If you’re thinking of buying this for a kid who’s easily frustrated, you are stupid.

In theory, one of the figures can fit inside the Dino Mega Cruiser’s groin side cockpit. Would’ve been a neat feature, but the figures are too clumsily molded to get completely inside. You can wedge him in there, but to actually seal the canopy would require beheading one of your troops – and you only have two, so it’s not a good idea. Too bad – the sight of this hideous robot dinosaur in metallic green with one of the country’s finest servicemen riding in the crotch compartment would double its retail worth.

Worst of all, if this is one of those serious army dudes, you know he had to feel silly enough just climbing into the dragon. Imagine the embarrassment when he had to crawl right back out. It’s not good to feel that way when you’re so heavily armed with rifles, grenades and pocket books.

There’s the beast, in all of its mighty glory. Not bad, not good, not terrible, not great. It looks better in the box, but hey, Christmas is all about stuff looking better in boxes. By the time a kid realizes how pitiful poor Dino Mega Cruiser is, Christmas will be over and nothing will be spoiled.

I’m really digging the “Just Kidz” line, though. Expect more reviews soon.