My Very Special Major Award.

Yeah, yeah, I’m alive, and working on that Macy’s Review. It’s long, it’ll take a while. Meantime, get a load of this here that. Last night, as has been tradition since I was a child, we hit this Christmas fair at a local church. There’s never anything good there, but I have to go. Tradition, see. They’ve been hocking the same gross cupcakes since before I was confirmed, and their white elephant table (like a yard sale of donated crap) is always out of the good stuff by the time I get there, but whatever, if I can kill an hour in God’s house watching all the kids beg their parents to buy them that one bunny from the pet table that’s always present for no apparent reason, that’s good enough for me.

The biggest aspect of the fair? Raffles. They get all of the neighborhood folk and schools to donate various baskets full of gifts, toys, doodads and whatnot, and all visitors find themselves sucked into buying multiple tickets for them. The larger raffles were for 400 dollar TRU gift certificates, a six foot stocking packed with toys and games, DVD/VCR/TV combos, game systems and so on. The rest of the raffles weren’t crappy, either — I had my eye on a wicker basket full of really strange DVDs that I couldn’t believe made their way into the place I usually see babies baptized at, like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I wanted a whole lot of stuff, and I bought a whole lot of tickets.

No, I mean, A LOT of tickets. To put things into perspective, I found myself to be such a compulsive gambler that, even after casinos in Atlantic City were throwing hundreds of comp dollars, free rooms and meals and all that other shit my way, I couldn’t bring myself to go back in fear of what I’d do to my bank account. I’m really, really bad with this kind of stuff, and the amount of raffle tickets I bought last night is too embarrassingly high to admit. Point is, I totally should’ve won everything I went in on. But there was one little catch…

The especially large prizes were raffled off singularly, and no, I didn’t win any of those despite having more tickets in those jars with my name on them that the total sum of tickets without my name on them. The smaller baskets, which were still generally filled with awesome stuff and very, very numerous, were raffled off in groups. So, like that basket full of DVDs I wanted? That was one of five baskets in “Group U.” At the end of the night, they pull five names out of the “Group U” coffee can, and the prizes are assigned in accordance with whomever they pick first. It’s kind of a crapshoot — your chances of winning something are in theory increased, but your chances of winning what you’re actually trying for are criminally decreased. Still, with the amount I spent, I just wanted to win something, anything.

And, I did. Since you write your name on phone number on each ticket you enter, there’s no reason to stick around for the five-hour drawing ceremony at night. We headed home, and sure enough, I get a call an hour or so later. “Hello, is this Matt? Your name was drawn for basket ‘U2.’ Please pick it up tonight if possible.” Obviously, we zoomed back over there salivating at the opportunity to fetch this esteemed major award. I couldn’t remember the basket titles, of course, and had no idea what wonderful gifts “U2” would bring. But it was a prize. My prize.

Click “more” to see the contents of Church Christmas Fair Raffle Prize Basket #U2.

Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh.

“U2” was easily the most laughable raffle prize of the bunch. I was embarrassed just carrying the thing out of the church. I still can’t believe someone put this hideous basket together and thought there might be a person on the planet, much less in our city, who would get a kick out of it. Don’t let the brouhaha and pretty ribbons fool you — this is complete and utter crap. A breakdown:

Two plastic coffee cups. Stains indicate: two plastic used coffee cups.

A box of various cocoa mixes. Ah! Now the used coffee cups make sense. They’re cocoa cups! Yahoo!

Even the bargain bin won’t touch these books. “Cosbyology?” What kind of a sick joke is this? Cocoa, plastic cups and Cosbyology? The other books are similarly obsolete and/or completely worthless, but as a concession, they were sure to add in a “Smile! God Loves You!” bookmark.

Believe what you hear about organized religion, folks.

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122 Responses to My Very Special Major Award.

  1. PlanetXprssSpaceMonkey says:

    nothin’ wrong with a thousand cups of cocoa, but land o lakes cocoa…? i dunno, definately sounds iffy. at the very least the basket looks like it’s worth keeping for…something, kindling maybe?…but the rest can be burned and the ashes scattered to the four winds…sorry bill, but you should have stopped with the jello.

  2. Yzziefrog says:

    What if Land-o-Lakes cocoa REALLY was Giant Ape Juice?

    I can’t get no Giant Ape Juice…
    I can’t get no Giant Ape Juice
    though I squeeze, and I mash,
    and I squeeze, and I mash…
    I can’t Get NO… yeah yeah yeah.

    9 out of 10 dermatologists recommend Giant Ape Juice over any other primate juice.

    I wonder what kind of song Adam Sandler would make about Giant Ape Juice?

    And on a last note:

    Fur, lice, banana
    A fragrant wind
    A shimmering leaf
    Giant Ape Juice

  3. ELF says:

    the cocoa is awesome! im sure it’s tastier than green bean soda. oh yeah, the nintendo ds and mario 64 are the best things on earth. you should ask santa for them both!

  4. trajeal says:

    Have a great time w/ your sis, Giant Ape – oops, I mean, kingklash. Do you guys celebrate all holidays while she’s home? Or will she be back before the end of the year?

    Has anyone commented on the new Xmas stickers at the top of the Trapper Keeper/blog page? I nocited them days ago but haven’t gotten around to mentioning anything. I love the driving Gizmo one. Beep, beep!

    Not very original, I know. :(

    Love to drink Giant Ape Juice
    ‘Cause it’s good
    Love to drink Giant Ape Juice
    Like a good girl should.

    Ape Juice for me
    Ape Juice for you
    Let’s drink the Ape Juice
    in my Giant shoe

    Love to drink the turkey
    And gravy soda
    I once saw a movie
    With Luke and Yoda.

    Drink that fruitcake
    From the bottle
    Rush to see Chucky’s Seed
    Please don’t doddle.

    Mashed potato juice with
    Butter on top
    I pour that soda
    On my corn that’s popped.

    Church raffles
    Suck big time
    All that money
    For Cosby rhymes

    Mix the turkey soda with cranberry
    I get hives if I eat strawberries

    Ape Juice for you and
    Ape Juice for me
    Christian Slater’s name in Heathers was J.D.

    Warm it up, cool it down
    You just can’t lose
    Plug in too many Christmas lights
    And you’ll blow a fuse.

    Ape Juice that’s Giant
    Retro cola photos
    My favorite extinct animals
    Are the dodos.

    Suck down that butter
    It’s not that bad
    Mix it with honeycomb
    You’ll get your own Nads.

    Giant Ape Juice tastes like
    Sweet potato pie
    Save a bottle for me
    Or I just may cry.

    Ponies for the girls and
    He-Man for the boys
    Man, the 80s’ had
    Some of the best toys.

    This is the end
    Of my absurd song
    It was fun to write and
    It didn’t take very long.

    I think the insanity is spreading. Help!

    Every time I hear that VISA promotion commercial ("too bad you didn’t buy that much"), I swear it’s Bronson Pinchot talking. I have to look up every time to make sure it’s not really him. Balki, where have you been? I’m afraid I’m going to spot you and you’ll resemble Pee Wee herman when he starred in Buffy the Vampie Slayer.

  5. Mars says:

    In the midst of my anger I forgot to edit my post so my email wouldn’t show.

    Weeee…I am lame.

    No mass mails and freaky shit please.

    Sorry, ma’am, but your name is "punkrockmom_24_7". How can I not Email you a million times and sign you up for extremely embarrassing things?

  6. Twackius says:

    Well at least you got more than one lame raffle prize. When I was younger I won a half-completed Aladdin sticker book as a prize. I didn’t even like aladdin. Remember, raffles are where useless shit goes to die.

  7. prm247 says:

    Hey Mars be nice. The name is a joke anyhow. Holy hell I am singing the Giant Ape Juice song now. Prm247 is really a chic that had a middrift on and a mohawk that I saw in the store buying Giant Ape Juice. No really she was…mars be nice okay.

    Matt help.

  8. Dixon Deeper says:

    Giant Ape Juice?!!

    This is the funniest thing I think I’ve ever seen! Seriously!

  9. trajeal, now in grape flavored Giant Ape Juice says:

    Hey, be nice to prm247, or I’ll give Mr. T your email address and you will forever be haunted by the assinine.

  10. thenewt4u says:

    Oh we are still at #2 here people. We need to give Matt the supreme gift of Giant Ape Juice internet rule for Christmas. Christ at this point we’ll never kick btc ass into submission.

    Wanna, Wanna don’t ya wanna, wanna
    Giant Ape Juice in yr glass BTC is losing fast.

    Giant Ape Juice kid tested mom approved.

    Giant Ape Juice the choice of a new xe generation.

    Giant Ape Juice with new cooling strip.

    Giant Ape Juice with new flavor crystals.

    Giant Ape Juice the stuff of legends.

    One more for the road.

    For relaxing times, make it Giant Ape Juice time.

  11. kingklash says:

    Go-go, Giant Ape Juice!

    Here’s to good friends,
    Tonight is kind of special.
    The Ape Juice we pour
    Must be something more, somehoose.
    So tonight (tonight, tonight)
    Let it be Giant Ape Juice.

    In brightest day, (Giant Ape Juice)
    In blackest night, (Giant Ape Juice)
    No Giant Ape Juice shall escape my sight. (Giant Ape Juice)
    Let those who worship BTC’s might, (Giant Ape Juice)
    Beware X-E’s power, (Giant Ape Juice)
    Giant Ape Juice’s might! (Giant Ape Juice)

  12. That Guy Who Doesn't. But Does. NO. says:

    NUMBER THREE?
    NO.
    I want Giant Ape Juice!
    No..I DEMAND Giant Ape Juice.
    Give Giant Ape Juice to me. It’s my Giant Ape Juice. Well, it’s not my Giant Ape Juice YET…but when you give the Giant Ape Juice to me, it WILL be my Giant Ape Juice.

    Then I alone shall retain control over Giant Ape Juice! Except for the other people who have Giant Ape Juice. They will have Giant Ape Juice as well. Which sucks, because I want to be the only one with Giant Ape Juice, and I’m not the only one with Giant Ape Juice, because you still haven’t given me my Giant Ape Juice.
    Giant Ape Juice hog.

  13. Tom says:

    What the fuck?

  14. salaciouscrum says:

    ha-my sister gave me cosbyology as a gag gift last christmas

  15. Gimpy421 says:

    At the risk of sounding like a tool. But what is the deal with Giant Ape Juice? Does Matt have an article dedicated to this unholy substance?

  16. Sara says:

    Seriously, pudding in the basket would have made more sense.

    There’s a few tapes at my apartment with episodes of Captain Power on them. I’m hoping my boyfriend will run into the toys the next time we’re at his parents’ house…I want to see if they still work.

  17. Summer says:

    I don’t think Bono would approve.

  18. Martha says:

    Ha ha! I actually think that’s a cool basket … I want free hot chocolate! And the books don’t look that bad … maybe I’m just a huge nerd :)
    ~M.

  19. AtomicPup says:

    ooh Captain Power..hot damn.. I had that toy when I was in about 3rd or 4th grade. It was totally awesome interacting with the tv.

  20. Pingback: X-Entertainment's Christmas Season & Advent Calendar, 2008.

  21. Pingback: X-Entertainment's 2010 Christmas Season! | My Major Award, Part 5!

  22. Super Genie says:

    Hahaha… you should do a “where are they now?” article with some of the random stuff you’ve gotten over the years.

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