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11/14/2004: The Jones Soda Holiday Pack, reviewed.

Okay, it’s not the most important X-E article in history — that was a lie — but this review of the Jones Soda Holiday Pack provides the most vile materials ever found on the site. The already famous set includes cola flavors like “Turkey & Gravy” and “Green Bean Casserole,” and I’ve enlisted the help of four friends from work to tell you how disgusting all of it is. Enjoy. Had to postpone the scheduled (ha) Macy’s Parade review until next weekend, but for the sake of potato juice, you’ll have to accept it.


Posted by Matt. E-mail me!

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Discussion Thread: 188 comments

HG = cute. :¬)

Thank you for confirming my suspicions, Matt. Now I know that I can live a full life without ever touching those vile bottles. Ever.

Ghosted by The ORIGINAL Paul @ 11/15/2004 5:57 AM EST

Huh, I was halfway expecting cranberry to be the best out of the bunch, (likes the idea of a sweet cranberry soda)

Ghosted by J @ 11/15/2004 6:05 AM EST

YES! i dont even know what a greenbean casserole is!

Ghosted by manny phesto @ 11/15/2004 6:42 AM EST

vt is a cutie

Ghosted by loser @ 11/15/2004 6:42 AM EST

=P

Ghosted by sonmanic @ 11/15/2004 7:27 AM EST

how festive of Jones Soda to market a beverage that induces chronic vomiting. Great article by the way!

Ghosted by sonmanic @ 11/15/2004 7:28 AM EST

Hey there:) I read your site all the time and was thrilled to see this review!! My boyfriend had just mentioned to me the other day about the Turkey and Gravy Soda, he’s never actually tried it but did recall when they sold it individually. It kind of makes one a bit curious to try it but since I’m most likely not getting my hands on a pack I’m guessing I’m out of "luck";)

Ghosted by Core @ 11/15/2004 8:16 AM EST

I am a morning radio host in Grand
Rapids, Mi.
We interviewed the president of
Jones Soda and tasted the product.
I was the first of the crew to taste…it was the Green Bean Casserole…I felt ill for hours
afterward. Numerous beers were required to dull the taste of the
vile substance. It is indeed not
meant for drinking.

Ghosted by Ed Buchanan @ 11/15/2004 8:41 AM EST

So does this mean Matt and X-E can get a plug on your show?

Semper Fi,
Erik Majorwitz

Ghosted by EMajorwitz @ 11/15/2004 8:57 AM EST

VT is quite the fine *does stupid little "hang loose" hand motion to head.."call me"*..or, um…*"air types"*.."im me"…hehe
b r a d

Ghosted by cycoyuk @ 11/15/2004 9:23 AM EST

Only really good friends would taste test something that sounds horrendous. Which reminds me of my friend Erika. Oh yeah, I’m like that too. We’d probably taste test it if you asked, Matt. Seeing my face after drinking ANYTHING is worth the price of admission, except you don’t have to pay to see it. Great article, as always!!!

Ghosted by Allison @ 11/15/2004 10:35 AM EST

Thanks for reviewing this stuff, but did you actually have to drink it to know it was a bad idea? And what planet are you from, California? We already have cranberry soda (regular and diet) in New England. It’s quite good–tastes like cranberry juice with soda water. There is also a soda bottling company here in Connecticut called Avery’s that will let you come in with your kids and mix any soda flavor you like. So if you decide you want to try roast beef and nasturtiums pop or pork bellies with chocolate chips pop, come on down and get a kid to mix it up for you.

Ghosted by Dave's Mother-in-Law @ 11/15/2004 10:39 AM EST

HG is very hot.

Great review. I’ll be sure to buy these sodas, re-label them, and deliver them to my enemies

Ghosted by Mike @ 11/15/2004 11:27 AM EST

Could be worse…… They could have made The Italian Fish Dinner 7 pack…
Especially bad since most of the fish are dried, salt cured or canned in oil

Imagine, the soda flavors of my Christmas Eve

(sorry for not knowing the proper spelling)

Baccala – Dried Salt Cod Stew flavor, Or carbonate the water left over after soaking the fish for 2 weeks.

Aliche Crunch – crumbly topping of tiny oily fish mashed into stale bread. Fish Oil Flavor w/ chunky bits

Calamari Spaghettini – In the good name of the squid, This just can’t be done

Smelt fritters– The 3” fish you fry and eat whole bones and all. Soda that could get stuck in your esophagus.

The other 7 flavors – More Salty Fishy garlic oil soda

Ghosted by Angela @ 11/15/2004 11:37 AM EST

What’s the deal with getting the first post? I think the bigger deal is getting the last post. Go me!

(awful drink by the way, looks like dog puke)

Ghosted by Gaz @ 11/15/2004 11:39 AM EST

Good stuff. Definitely worth the wait.

Ghosted by J-Dog @ 11/15/2004 11:43 AM EST

Now we all know the true reason your coworkers agreed to do this… so they can get dates with strangers from the Internet!

Ghosted by D @ 11/15/2004 11:56 AM EST

[[shudder]]

I just was at the Jones Soda site (randomly actually) last Friday and ran into this lovely…uh…product. Since some of the flavors already freak me out, the prospect of a Thanksgiving theme complete with Turky and Gravy and Mashed Potatos curdled my blood. Blech. Glad I don’t have to taste it now even if it’s at the expense of the test subjects.

Ghosted by shelly @ 11/15/2004 12:00 PM EST

I can’t believe the creepy label on the Cranberry Soda didn’t get a comment. Pedophile Santa with two shirtless young lads on his lap? Ick.

Ghosted by Rob @ 11/15/2004 12:27 PM EST

Anybody want to join my VT fan site?

Great article, Matt. The Jones Soda Co. headquarters is about 2 blocks from where I work. I’ll have to go down there at lunch and beg for some Green Bean Casserole Soda.

Ghosted by Chris @ 11/15/2004 12:29 PM EST

"Whoever drinks this or green bean is like, woah."

I fell in love with VT after this remark. That great, funny way to express herself, combined with her good looks, make her a dreamwoman to me. Matt, please put her in more articles!

Ghosted by Sjoerd @ 11/15/2004 12:33 PM EST

Man only if I could get a bottle of that green bean crap…I wonder if I could put my self up to the challange of drinking the whole bottle…where do i get me a genie and talk to the devil so I can get a bottle….

Ghosted by LordSorrow @ 11/15/2004 12:41 PM EST

You’ve done a great service to society. Also wanted to re-affirm the babeness of HG and propose a women of X-E contest.

Ghosted by K @ 11/15/2004 1:20 PM EST

My posts have disappeared like the Great GOB’s magic show rabbit. Sniff.

Ghosted by trajeal @ 11/15/2004 1:54 PM EST

Sorry Traj — was trying to fix your coding, but the browser started wigging out. Had to zip out on a deleted entry to avoid any potental foul-ups. :)

Ghosted by Matt @ 11/15/2004 2:08 PM EST

Wow. I’d so go try some Jones soda now if my school didn’t charge $2 a pop when I can just run down through the skyway and get a can of Pepsi for 50 cents. Huh.

Am I the only one on this website that actually LIKES greenbean casserole? The real dish I mean. C’mon, it’s good. I probably eat more of it than I do turkey. I’m not real big on the whole turkey thing… and my grandmother sort of sucks at gravy.

Not that I’d tell her that. She pays for half my tuition after all.

Glad you’re still here Matt. Albeit, mentally and physically scarred forever.

Ghosted by Sucrose @ 11/15/2004 2:29 PM EST

I don’t know how I never heard of this if the hype was as big as you said it was. Oh well. At least I didn’t try it.

Ghosted by The Dragonrider @ 11/15/2004 2:37 PM EST

So this is the famous Turkey and Gravy soda I heard about.

People that I told about this weird flavored drink seem to share the sentiments of your taste testers, Matt.

Ghosted by Bert Raccoon @ 11/15/2004 3:00 PM EST

I HOPE A SHARK EATS YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE!

hahahahhahahahhaha
best line ever!

Ghosted by Richard @ 11/15/2004 3:29 PM EST

Matt, did you end up seeing Seed of Chucky? If you did, was it good?

Ghosted by J-Dog @ 11/15/2004 3:45 PM EST

omg those all look gross, with the exception of cranberry soda. Big ups to the taste testers. On a much lighter note, HEY VS…NICE SHOES…WANNA FUCK?

Ghosted by minutemike @ 11/15/2004 3:47 PM EST

Hey Matt,
I have found somewhere on your site that you were selling $50 gift packs with various stuff in them, still doing that, need a christmas present and I want to tell them I don’t know what they are getting as I hand them the box.

Ghosted by soda fan @ 11/15/2004 4:01 PM EST

J-Dog: I saw Seed of chucky last night. It was cheesy beyond belief (as can be expected) but I didn’t walk out on it as I would have for numerous other movies, so aparently it wasn’t *that* bad.

As an aside: Jennifer Tilly is one of the more unique actresses ever. If you like her style of acting then you’ll love S.O.C.

Ghosted by Cyanyde @ 11/15/2004 5:01 PM EST

Hey Matt, this article got greenlit on Fark’s main page today, and guess who submitted it???

…me. Oh yeah, I finally passed my road test today! yay

Ghosted by Invader Norbert @ 11/15/2004 5:17 PM EST

I’m probably not the first to say this, but you must remember that Jones Soda’s NON-joke flavors kick all kinds of ass. We’re talking about a company that makes a soda called "Blue Bubblegum," and makes it FUCKING DELICIOUS!!! Where else would I get my Green Apple Soda fix? All shall bow to Jones Soda, ruler of Canada… and soon, the world!

Ghosted by Magic Flyin' Lemur @ 11/15/2004 5:41 PM EST

STOP BLOCKING ME!!! JIBBER JABBER!!

I mixed that cranberry stuff with vodka… it was tasty… now Im drunk and this morning I was too.

Ghosted by Mr. T @ 11/15/2004 5:46 PM EST

The Provider was down until just a few minutes ago, so I just finished reading the article. I come from tribes of great hunters of buffalo, fierce warriors, excellent horsemen, and possibly a famous old west bandit, but, with this entry, you have proved yourself to be more of a man than I’ll ever strive to be. A lot more brave, at the least.

Ghosted by kingklash is late to the party! @ 11/15/2004 5:47 PM EST

whats going on with santa and those two kids on the cranberry one??? Is that real??? Does anybody else think that the pic is a little..ummmmmmmm. whats the word im looking for??? WRONG?

Ghosted by zombone @ 11/15/2004 5:58 PM EST

those chicks were hot.

Ghosted by Hammer @ 11/15/2004 7:06 PM EST

If you have any left, mix them together. Call it turkey dinner. That would be the most "fowl".

Ghosted by TerdFergusson @ 11/15/2004 7:11 PM EST

Sucrose, I like green bean casserole (the real stuff) so your not alone ^_^
Invader Norbert, it was you! I submitted this article on Fark too, but you already beat me to it, guess the important thing is it got the green light =)
Great article Matt, but are they still your friends? ^_~

/I’d drink gross shit for Matt

Ghosted by *M*S*I* @ 11/15/2004 7:13 PM EST

Matt, just saw the Spongebob Watches commercial. It is hillarious. Of course, it had nothing to dow ith Spongebob but, besides that, it was great.

Ghosted by TOM @ 11/15/2004 7:22 PM EST

Oh! And Matt, thanks for the first-to-my-knowledge mention of the word "vegan" in an X-E article :)

BTW… everyone is wrong about the best X-E article ever. The best article ever is about a wrestler called the Shockmaster. You’ll have to use Google to actually find it, I think, but every time I read it I laugh like crazy :)

AND… if someone gets me a case of this Jones Soda, I will drink every bottle all the way down on camera (not that I have a camera, but I will procure one) and send the video to Matt to host on X-E.

Ghosted by VeganMike @ 11/15/2004 7:32 PM EST

i love h.g.

that is all.

Ghosted by marbotty @ 11/15/2004 7:37 PM EST

TOM, I caught the ad that would fit Matt’s description, but was suprised that it featured a couple of characters from Burger King’s take-off of "The Office" commercials from this past summer. You can watch the earlier commercials here (Pages 8-9, then 11-20), so hopefully Matt’s will be there soon as well:
http://www.cpbgroup.com/FrameContentSpecClient.cfm?PageNum_rsSpecificClient=8&ClientID=55

Ghosted by ME @ 11/15/2004 8:09 PM EST

"My" commercial didn’t feature any characters — it’s all graphical, with the watches bubbling out of the sea and transitioning in front of the camera, etc.

Ghosted by Matt @ 11/15/2004 9:23 PM EST

My favorite part of your ad was the hook w/ all of the watches wrapped around the wrist. Hee!

Are those bottles twist offs or do you need a keyring? You should refill them w/ something as close in color as possible and bring them to Thanksgiving dinner. Maybe koolaid or even Ecto Cooler for the green bean cassarole. Then, shock your family and friends when you down each bottle and then belch in a satisfied way. No one would believe you could down mashed potato soda and still eat actual mashed potatoes later in the day. I bet your nephews would love it, although your sisters may seek commital.

Ghosted by trajeal @ 11/15/2004 11:16 PM EST

Great article. Funniest yet. I laughed so hard you gave me a damned headache!
and the girl in the red shirt is quite lovely. Even with the mashed potato soda face.

Ghosted by daHell @ 11/15/2004 11:17 PM EST

Yeah, but what did the caps say?

The suffering in the name of journalsm! Kudos to you and your lovely assistants.

Ghosted by Jeeto @ 11/15/2004 11:39 PM EST

Ah, Matt- Thanks for taking another bullet and trying something disgusting and foul for the masses. We, the masses, appreciate it. :) Can’t wait for another Macy’s review!

Ghosted by Muppet Baby @ 11/16/2004 1:26 AM EST

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