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11/14/2004: The Jones Soda Holiday Pack, reviewed.

Okay, it’s not the most important X-E article in history — that was a lie — but this review of the Jones Soda Holiday Pack provides the most vile materials ever found on the site. The already famous set includes cola flavors like “Turkey & Gravy” and “Green Bean Casserole,” and I’ve enlisted the help of four friends from work to tell you how disgusting all of it is. Enjoy. Had to postpone the scheduled (ha) Macy’s Parade review until next weekend, but for the sake of potato juice, you’ll have to accept it.

Posted by Matt. E-mail me!

Discussion Thread: 188 comments

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Firsties? Firsties?!?

Ghosted by VeganMike @ 11/14/2004 4:54 PM EST

There it is, baby. Nectar of the demi-gods.

Now that I got that off my chest, I’m going to read the article. Whee!

Ghosted by trajeal @ 11/14/2004 4:55 PM EST

i hope the new job ain’t that cool, because you’re gonna get nothing but hell from your co-workers

Ghosted by urquidez @ 11/14/2004 4:58 PM EST

My tastebuds killed themselves one by one as I was reading.

Ghosted by jessica @ 11/14/2004 4:59 PM EST

Hmmm…so Fruitcake was the best out of the 5? Interesting…

Best. Article. Ever.

Ghosted by Invader Norbert @ 11/14/2004 5:02 PM EST

Norbert- I agree, this was prolly one of the best articles in XE history. I think anytime we get a look into Matt’s private life, it carries some kind of special significance. (hey everyone loves their host rite?)

You didn’t offer any to your boss did you?

Ghosted by ANdrew @ 11/14/2004 5:21 PM EST

yum, baby…YUMMMM

Ghosted by phunqsauce @ 11/14/2004 5:23 PM EST

Man usually green bean caserole makes me sick. I bet its all the MsG in the little Crunchy French’s things on top though. I wonder if the soda would make me sick too. They should do forth of July holiday pack with Hot Dog and Hamburger soda and macoroni and potato salad soda. I wonder what other holidays they could do.

Ghosted by Pat @ 11/14/2004 5:24 PM EST

Wow, what a long article. Sweet!

You should link the owl pellet to the owl pellet dissection you did awhile ago. That was a great article. http://www.x-entertainment.com/articles/0715/

So, what number in the sequence did you get? Are you saving the bottles? Did you save some to give to Brent and Candice to drink on the air?

Thank you, VS, SD, HG and VT for your participation. Without you, the pictures would have been so boring (since we hardly ever see Matt’s face when it’s not hidden behind dark sunglasses or swirly contact lenses). Also, your added handwriten notes really shook things up.

Ghosted by trajeal @ 11/14/2004 5:24 PM EST

Speaking of nasty drinks I almost puked when I saw those people choking down those rat smoothies on Fear Factor. I caught the footage on Best Week Ever on VH-1. VH-1 seems to be more concerned about pop culture than videos these days but thats not entirely bad except whenever they have that bastard comedian Ant on one of their shows…ugh.

Ghosted by phunqsauce @ 11/14/2004 5:26 PM EST

Ah, Jones Soda… a love affair I do share with you… The soda tends to have a few goods flavours that will rock you pretty silly, but then they have some flavours that are extreme misses. It’s weird, they either make them really good, or so bad you want to stab yourself in the nipples.

Ghosted by Andre @ 11/14/2004 5:29 PM EST

Woah, that’s one of the more disgusting things I’ve ever heard of.. niiiiice!

Thanks to Matt, VS, SD, HG and VT for putting your lives on the line for the greater good.
I’m going to go drink some amonia now; I bet that will taste better than this stuff.

Ghosted by Cyanyde @ 11/14/2004 5:31 PM EST

Oh yeah, and I can’t forget to mention how much Hal Sparks and that gap-toothed dude suck too. I’d rather have sulferic acid dropped in my eyes slowly and get thousands of papercuts on my nutsack.

Ghosted by phunqsauce @ 11/14/2004 5:32 PM EST

Funny how my girlfriend and I were talking about this sort of thing last night…we were in the local 24-hour ScaryHomelessBumMart™ looking for snacks and happened past "Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans".

Hurl-flavored jellybeans, you now have the Chardonnay to your smooth, creamy Brie.

Ghosted by MonsterDog @ 11/14/2004 5:33 PM EST

the soda not withstanding… It’s good to see that every floor full of cubicles that MTV has looks exactly the same no matter what building.

Ghosted by Trippy the 8th Dwarf @ 11/14/2004 5:37 PM EST

Phunqsauce, ITA w/ you about Ant. You’re gay, we get it, dude. Dat Phan’s mother is annoying, and you’re gay. Okie dokie. Move on now.

Although, I do happen to like Hal Sparks. Calling his followers "Hal-epenos" (in reference to David Koresh calling his followers the "Davidians (or Shrist calling his followers "Christians, natch)) actually made me LOL. I don’t agree w/ his political views at all, but he has great comedic timing. Wasn’t he on Queer as Folk, too?
I’m not sure which gap toothed guy you’re taling about. Mo Rocca? Ian Micheal Taylor Thomas Black? David Letterman?

Ghosted by trajeal @ 11/14/2004 5:47 PM EST

Wow.. I can’t believe anyone would have the cajones to drink that crap. Still, pretty good article. Can’t wait for the Macy’s reviews.. Best part of the season articles, even if it is only the second year.

Ghosted by Chad "1m" Mosher @ 11/14/2004 6:06 PM EST

Recipe for actual green bean casserole: click here.

Ghosted by trajeal @ 11/14/2004 6:25 PM EST

I, at first, wanted to try those just for the heck of it. But, it seems that they’re in very short supply… And also very disgusting. Well, I don’t have to find out for myself, now. You’ve done the world a great service, Matt.

Too many damn commas…

Ghosted by Paul Ortego @ 11/14/2004 6:25 PM EST

That… was… AWESOME! The only thing I don’t like about your webstie, Matt, is that it usually makes me want to search for whatever it is you review. And I either don’t find it and sink into a deep depression or i do find it and waste $100 on something like turkey soda, and then i sink into a deep depression because i spent $100 on turkey soda or some such nonsense.
anyways… rock rock on.

Ghosted by mysteryguycalvin @ 11/14/2004 6:28 PM EST

"Everyone likes mashed potatoes, but choking down the juiced form reminds me of the time I got a rare spider bite and was told by the witch doctor that the only way to live was by drinking the relived liquid of his parrot. I still can’t believe I fell for it, the guy so didn’t look like a real witch doctor."

Best line of the article.

Oh, and the gap-toothed guy on Best Week Ever is comedian Paul F Tompkins, he had his own Comedy Central Presents about a year ago

Ghosted by Invader Norbert @ 11/14/2004 6:37 PM EST

That reminds me, i was gonna ask you if you could start providing links or something that we could get some of the crap put up on this site… starting w/ the treehouse trolls DVD which I’ve unsucessfully tried to dig up.

Ghosted by ANdrew @ 11/14/2004 6:39 PM EST

Those sodas sound like they would taste nastier than this kind of Faygo chocolate soda I tried once. Never again. Chocolate is one thing that NEVER should be made into a soda pop flavor. There’s also a cocoanut creme kind too. Eeeew.

Does anybody know what I’m talking
about with Faygo,or is it just a Midwest thing?

Ghosted by Overlord @ 11/14/2004 7:22 PM EST

Matt, great article! You’ve almost never included your social life in an article. Anyway, can you put your website in an ad you do? Maybe subliminally or something. It would probably get a lot of viewers on you website.

Ghosted by TOM @ 11/14/2004 7:34 PM EST

I’m still wiping the tears out of my eyes from the comment about the mashed potato flavour – "Tastes like mashed potatos with a side of dirty ass." Even just thinking about it now is making me burst into laughter again. Great article Matt, and great friends to be your guinea pigs.

Can’t wait for the next round of Macy’s parade reviews…

Ghosted by Ninj @ 11/14/2004 7:43 PM EST

I heard Old Dirty Bastard died…that has to be the greatest rap moniker ever.

Ghosted by phunqsauce @ 11/14/2004 7:58 PM EST

Sweet. Awesome. Funny. Cool. Intriging. Scaring. Appaling. Cold. Flashy. Cheap. Entertaining.

Bye

Ghosted by Warx @ 11/14/2004 8:11 PM EST

F’n awesome article.

Ghosted by Tom @ 11/14/2004 8:46 PM EST

Seriously, this rocked so much that i’m ready to hunt you down and have sex with you until we break that absurd law that say that males can’t breed.
We’d probably have a turkey and green-bean little beast…our own sweety!

so thanx for the article!

Ghosted by melonian @ 11/14/2004 8:54 PM EST

The most important X-E article ever?…debatable. I still say Worst Witch, Hulk Hands, that Trolls video, and other rank above this one.

Still, quite awesome. I work at Eckerd’s and I know we sell Jones soda there, but I have not seen this set (though like everybody else in America, I’ve heard about it).

Matt, will you ever let us know what you had to do to get this? Please tell us you didn’t resort to eBay.

Ghosted by Darth Monkey @ 11/14/2004 9:04 PM EST

WW and HH maybe, but the Trolls? Nahhhhh.

Ghosted by Matt @ 11/14/2004 9:05 PM EST

article was well worth the wait!

although (and maybe i am alone in this) i was really hoping to see YOU choking down this stuff!

Ghosted by VolklMonkey @ 11/14/2004 9:22 PM EST

They still beat Pepsi Blue by leaps and bounds.

I’m off to now try to turn stuffing into a festive drink.

HOORAY MASHED POTATO SODA!!!

Ghosted by Adam @ 11/14/2004 9:45 PM EST

Great article Matt. I’ve been reading for years admiring your hard work but I’ve never left a comment…but I’ll admit its because I had to say VT is a cutie. There I said it.

Ghosted by Mikey @ 11/14/2004 9:52 PM EST

I’ve got a fever. And the only prescription. Is more turkey soda… baby.

So, was that your first gay sex offer to reproduce Jones Soda for the masses? I think you should mark your calender.

Oh, I wanted to ask -0 did anyone else notice that during a commercial for a movie that’s currently out in theatres, there’s a quote from someone from UGO? I can’t remember which movie it is (might be Spongebob, but don’t hold me to that). I heard it from the other room and missed most of the commercial, but I did hear the "… says (blank) at UGO.com." I thought that was pretty cool. Too bad we couldn’t think of a way to get a plug for you like that.

BTW, thanks for fixing my link, Matt. At least half of the blog wasn’t in bold print. (shrugs shoulders and eyebrows)

Ghosted by trajeal @ 11/14/2004 9:54 PM EST

1. The Xmas light background rocked big time!
2. HG was a babe
3. You messed up here: "forget was (what) an awful experience this all was"
4. The cat in front of the Xmas tree is ultra cute

Ghosted by ELF @ 11/14/2004 9:56 PM EST

Thanks for catching that, ELF. Fixed now.

Ghosted by Matt @ 11/14/2004 10:00 PM EST

I truly admire you and your co-workers, Matt. Gag gifts or inspired ways to part with money, it takes people with guts to suffer through soda called Turkey and Gravy. I’m just glad you’re all still among us after drinking that.

Ghosted by starwenn @ 11/14/2004 10:08 PM EST

Great article. I can’t imagine drinking that stuff although I did drink Jones watermelon soda and that was the nastiest soda I ever had. I wonder how it compares to the sodas in the holiday pack?

Ghosted by Meatwad @ 11/14/2004 10:37 PM EST

Great job on the article Matt!
Thanks!

Ghosted by Croww @ 11/14/2004 11:32 PM EST

I agree with ELF, HG is a babe! I thought "tastes like mashed potatoes with a side of dirty ass" was as funny as it was nasty! I loved it! I’m always amazed at the lengths to which you are willing to go for the sake of our entertainment. Thank you Matt, and all of your coworkers (especially the lovely HG).

Ghosted by Throckmorton @ 11/14/2004 11:51 PM EST

Well, it was well worth the wait, the article was kick ass. I think the whole testing it on the innocent thing made it. Anytime you get to see someone making their friends drink crap it’s a real treat. And Overlord, I too have suffered Chocolate Soda. Like drining week old burnt coffee.

Ghosted by Shonuf1 @ 11/15/2004 12:33 PM EST

Dude,
that was so disturbing. This place is located just north of me actually. I think I should go kick the arses.

Ghosted by jason @ 11/15/2004 12:39 PM EST

Dude,
that was so disturbing. This place is located just north of me actually. I think I should go kick the arses.

Ghosted by jason @ 11/15/2004 12:39 PM EST

Pity that Cranberry Sauce Soda turned out to be mediocre, I was hoping it would be good. It sounded like it would be. Anyway, awesome article, I’m sure others will agree with me when I say that we love you for putting your life on the line like that for us readers.

Ghosted by Mara @ 11/15/2004 1:47 AM EST

You have to wonder what those executives at Jones Drink Co. are thinking. This’ll last them for a while, but you can’t make a living off selling gross carbonations forever. And after it’s all over, the brand will carry the stigma as long as it exists, if it exists long. Once the perverted curiosity dies down, so will the turkey liquid.

Ghosted by Mars @ 11/15/2004 2:06 AM EST

They oughta do an Easter-themed Holiday Pack. That way they could have Peeps Marshmallow soda, Cadbury Creme Eggs soda, and the most evil of them all: jelly bean soda!

Anyway, I love the article. It was also a good opportunity to learn about your work situation. Of all the jobs I’ve had, I’d doubt there were any in which I would’ve been able to do this with my co-workers. Hell, I remember one time where I told a co-cworker to go fuck herself (and no, I did NOT get charged with sexual harassment or anything: she just went ahead and told me to fuck MYself. lol

Ghosted by Nate @ 11/15/2004 3:45 AM EST

Oops…made a few errors there. No wonder I can’t get a job in writing, whereas Matt can.

Ghosted by Nate @ 11/15/2004 3:46 AM EST

first comment I ever made here

Nice article…. although I have tried butter cola before i’ve never seen this (being in england) and it was both morbid and funny.

Oh and there is already a song about Ocean Spray. its by a Welsh band called the Manic Street Preachers.

Ghosted by bravelybravesirrobin @ 11/15/2004 4:47 AM EST

Matt, Matt, Matt. Rockingly awesome article and all, but I can’t believe you forgot the grand finale. I mean, if all those sodas were awful on their own, that means you’d HAVE to mix them all into one cup and rocket into a new dimension of awful taste! Or maybe it’d create some nectar of the gods that man was never meant to taste, ergo Zeus made the ingredients five poisons man could never survive drinking.

As for the most important X-E article? I’d have to go with Hulk Hands. That article actually led to my friends buying me a set for my birthday that year, only they accidentally got me a pair of left hands. Plus, I can always look back at the bit with Matt challenging the cat and laugh every time. Think I’ll go do that right now.

(Also, S.D.’s cell #, please.)

Ghosted by Gavok @ 11/15/2004 5:14 AM EST

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