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09/05/2004: The Killer Spider.

It’s a pretty nice day, so I took pictures for the next article outside. As I was setting shit up, there he was…the killer spider. Though the pic makes him look about 5000x larger and scarier than he was in reality, it’s never been common for me to find anything resembling an exotic spider around here. Mostly we get plain old black bugs and a few daddy longleggios. This spider is obviously neither, and I’ll bet you 50 bucks I’d be dead by now had it bit me.

The continuity displayed between this entry and the previous both being about something arachnous was completely intentional. And arachnous really is a word.

Posted by Matt. E-mail me!

Discussion Thread: 57 comments

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1st post! I hate spiders

Ghosted by Gnarkill @ 09/05/2004 4:47 PM EDT

Yeah I hate spiders too. Havent been around much lately but I’m back
Also wanted to mention Dave Coulier is making his comeback. He is on the new season of The Surreal Life XD Fear for your lives….

2nd Post!!

Ghosted by heeloyd @ 09/05/2004 4:49 PM EDT

SSSSPPPPYYYYDDDDDOOOORRRRR!

Spiders are cool.

Ghosted by kingklash with eight legs @ 09/05/2004 5:04 PM EDT

Damn my arachnaphobia.

…It’s adorable though.

Ghosted by Yellow Snowman @ 09/05/2004 5:26 PM EDT

Holy shit, that’s creepy!

Gotta ask you, Matt, did you kill it or let it live? I’ll admit, I would’ve smashed it myself. Sure, you can make the argument that it was outside in the natural environment and not invading your home, but like you said above, it could’ve killed you just as easily. I hate spiders.

Ghosted by Aberration @ 09/05/2004 5:26 PM EDT

Nah, I rarely kill land rovin’ bugs. Especially since we were outside.

Ghosted by Matt @ 09/05/2004 5:30 PM EDT

We have that exact kind of spider all over the place in Oregon.

Ghosted by cowtown @ 09/05/2004 5:52 PM EDT

Speaking of Dave Coulier(and isn’t everyone?), I’m guessing he’s going to emerge in the MC Hammer/Erik Estrada mode of "only person who can act like a grown up" in the Surreal Life house.
Curse you VH1 for your Surreal Life marathon, the show not exciting enough to wait a week to find out what happened, but pretty damn addictive when strung together. You know these are some C-List celebrities when you hope to emerge looking as good as Hammer or Ponch…
As far as spiders go, I’ve seen a brown recluse, I’ve known a brown recluse, you sir are no brown recluse…

Ghosted by whitemale_98/competent soldier @ 09/05/2004 5:53 PM EDT

sorry to sound like an asshole Matt but thats a common garden spider……………………………i think brown recluse are poisonous though

Ghosted by sexynigelthepharoahwizard @ 09/05/2004 6:08 PM EDT

10th post.

We have those kind of spiders all over. I like ‘em.

Ghosted by Behonkiss @ 09/05/2004 6:10 PM EDT

yeah spiders kick ass…..im gonna buy a zebra legged tarantula

Ghosted by sexynigelthepharoahwizard @ 09/05/2004 6:13 PM EDT

You don’t sound like an asshole. I was hoping someone could identify him. Believe it or not, common garden spiders aren’t all that common ’round here. At least, for those of us who don’t garden or approach gardeny areas. To put things into perspective, ANY spider that looks remotely fuzzy and not just like an ant with big legs seems otherworldly to find out in the open here.

Ghosted by Matt @ 09/05/2004 6:14 PM EDT

Hey, I just saw an ad on tv for Shaun of the Dead. Indeed it does look very appealing. I am also interested in Team America: World Police because it has fucked up Thunderbirds style puppetry and its from matt stone and trey parker who do quality work. yay….or something.

Ghosted by phunqsauce @ 09/05/2004 6:23 PM EDT

its kinda fun posting and coming back every 10 minutes seeing a response……thats kinda weird that theres no big spiders around there…..the biggest spider ive ever seen had 7 inch legs and was about 3 inches from my face under someones house

i think it was a dock spider

Ghosted by sexynigelthepharoahwizard @ 09/05/2004 6:24 PM EDT

Damn matt, you should see the wolf spiders out where i live. Talk about fuckin hairy ass spiders!! And they’re HUGE too!!! They normally don’t show themselves though because they like hiding in dark places so you gotta kinda look for ‘em. Mmmmmmmmmmm….yummy.

Ghosted by phunsauce @ 09/05/2004 6:26 PM EDT

If only arachnous really was a word, oh what a world it would be.

Ghosted by Shelby @ 09/05/2004 6:35 PM EDT

Kill the little bastard.

I usually find Daddy Longlegs around the outside parts of my house, then I hose down the little bastards.

Ghosted by RPharazon @ 09/05/2004 7:13 PM EDT

i’m pretty sure the "daddy longlegs" is the most poisonous spider out there beut since its mouth is too small it cannot puncture your skin.

Ghosted by phunqsauce @ 09/05/2004 7:18 PM EDT

Woo! My first post from after my vacation!

But anyways…that’s a pretty scary looking spider. I’m imagining someone killing it with the heel of one of those old-timey cowboy boots for some reason…

And speaking of Erik Estrada, he plays Marco on Sealab 2021, but he never brings it up. Weird…

Ghosted by Invader Norbert @ 09/05/2004 7:19 PM EDT

Estrada wore a Sealab 2021 shirt on The Surreal Life.

Ghosted by Gnarkill @ 09/05/2004 7:45 PM EDT

there are a bunch of spiders around where i live. the ones that scare the beejesus out of me are those damn jumping spiders. those are scary mfers.

and one of these days i will watch sealab 2021, it’s never on when i’m watching. always home movies
damn

Ghosted by Randy @ 09/05/2004 7:57 PM EDT

Domain: Eukarya
Kingdom: Animalia
Phylum: Arthropoda
Class: Arachnida
Order: Araneae
Family: ?
Genus:?
Species:?

Ghosted by Beta-Theta @ 09/05/2004 8:24 PM EDT

Matt, I’m trying my best to identify the name (scientific and common name) of the spider you found. But as this hierachical system shows us, I do not know what family, genus, and species the spider belong to. According to some of websites I look at, it is very hard to identify the difference between some spiders as for example some spiders may belong to same genus and species, but they may be in different color. Make hard for you to id. your spider. But like sexynigelthepharoahwizard said, it’s not a brown recluse.

Ghosted by Beta-Theta @ 09/05/2004 8:50 PM EDT

Ew! I hate spiders and even though it was outside, I still would have killed it, I guess I’m evil. There’s a daddy longlegs that stays right by my front door, and no matter how many times I knock it off, it comes right back. Someone else broght up wolf spiders. I had never seen one until we were building our house,and in the basement there was this huge ass spider, I’m sure there’s tons more living in the walls of my house.

Ghosted by Stacey @ 09/05/2004 9:25 PM EDT

I just saw this Hostess wedding cake link on Fark: http://www.twinkies.com/worldofwacky/delaplane.asp

Ghosted by ME @ 09/05/2004 9:31 PM EDT

I have a huge wood spider that lives outside my front door. We named it "Henry". "Henry" built his web right in front of our always lit porch light which attracts lovely bugs and is in the process of getting fatter everyday. Fun in the sun eh?

Ghosted by Mike @ 09/05/2004 9:59 PM EDT

You should have let him bite you!
You’d prolly be Spider-Matt by now..

Ps.. You owe us all $50

Ghosted by Cyanyde @ 09/05/2004 10:16 PM EDT

Yeah Id get some spray and unleash the fury of the world on that cursed and wretched thing, if he was indoors, otherwise id let out a girl-like scream and run away.

Ghosted by ArcticOrange @ 09/05/2004 10:42 PM EDT

The urban legend about the daddy longlegs’ deadly venom has been floating around for a long time, but it’s not true. And you know what else? A duck’s quack echoes just like any other sound. And there is no Santa Claus! Take THAT, childlike wonder!

Ghosted by Jedoc @ 09/05/2004 10:50 PM EDT

If there is no Santa then who brought me my incredible hulk underoos when I was a lad, huh? Answer me that!!

Ghosted by Mr King @ 09/05/2004 11:20 PM EDT

Holy crud, I would’ve screamed and scurried away as fast as I could. I’m absolutely terrified of bugs/spiders/insects of all kinds. I actually gasped and scrolled quickly away from that pic when I saw it! *shivers*

I had Wonder Woman underoos when I was little. I even made little wrist cuff thingies like hers out of cardboard wrapping paper tubes! Those were the days…

Ghosted by Ryane @ 09/05/2004 11:40 PM EDT

I had some G.I. Joe underoos, Transformers too, I think. Later on, I had some Nintendo pajamas.

The other day, I found a black widow in my room, along with an egg sack, so I got rid of both of them, with extreme prejudice (I think that’s the appropriate military euphemism). I think I saw a male scurry off, but I’m not too concerned, since they’re not poisonous.

Ghosted by marioshoku @ 09/06/2004 1:49 AM EDT

Yeah, but it’s a close up of a common garden spider. So ha.

Ghosted by Yama @ 09/06/2004 11:05 AM EDT

I own TransMetal Tarantulas and Beast Machines BlackArachnia. I like to chase those tiny spiders that try to bluff bigger bugs. You know, the stocky little guys that would be frightening if they were even normal sized, but try to pose aggressivly then run like crazy when your finger or stick keeps moving towards them. I’ve known people like that.

Ghosted by kingklash on a webline @ 09/06/2004 11:30 AM EDT

is it sad that I jumped back from the desk and screamed like a girl, such that my wife had to come in to see what I was scared of? She’s ashamed to have married me, for I was in fear of a picture of a spider on my computer screen. Thanks Matt, for re-affirming my masculinity.

Ghosted by whirred @ 09/06/2004 11:46 AM EDT

SWEET MOTHER OF FUCKER JESUS HOLY AND SHIT!!! BANG-DROPPIN’ ASS-WIPERS!!! I FUCKING HATE SPIDERS!!! (screaming like a girl) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Ghosted by Nate @ 09/06/2004 2:28 PM EDT

Remember in Arachnophobia when Jeff Daniels would become completely paralyzed with fright when spiders were near him? He was dope as Doctor Death in that film.

Ghosted by Rollo Tomasi @ 09/06/2004 5:43 PM EDT

Spiders don’t bother me. Fleas and ticks, OTOH, give my nightmares. I imagine thousands of tiny fleas hopping all over me and sucking out my life-giving blood. Has anyone here read The Basement? A guy in that book is attacked by a throng of ticks. The way they described the things flicking off him while he tried to feebly fight them off will haunt me until I die. Ugh.

As for your spider-y, just remember all of the mosquitos he’s eating right now, and every annoying house fly that gets trapped in his wbe before it can make it through your front door. he’s one of the good guys. How big was it, about? We had one that lived in the fake hanging plant we used to have outside our front door. The body was the size of a large grape, and its legs were black and orange striped. He was cool, but he blew away in a bad windstorm we had last fall.

Mike, our new kitten is named Henry. Henry Kittenger, that is.

Jedoc, you’re right about the daddy longleg legend. They even researched it on MythBusters. I love that show.

Ghosted by trajeal @ 09/06/2004 10:12 PM EDT

some info for you; where else would this knowledge be of any use?

daddy longlegs are not spiders, but aphids.

you are never more than 3 feet from a spider.

We always get these huge black spiders in our basement after a camping trip; it’s not so much that they’re in the basement where I sleep, it’s that they were hiding somewhere on me for the 3 hour portage and the 4 hour car ride home.

Ghosted by mypurposevague @ 09/07/2004 3:53 AM EDT

I’m just glad I live in Canada where we don’t have fucking scorpions or jungle spiders that suck life-fluids from small children; trust me, nothing’s better than a spider for killing the insane amount of flies we get up here in the summer.

On a side note, we do have slugs in British Columbia that are the size of fucking bananas; they’re called banana slugs, my cousin once stepped on one.

Ghosted by poop @ 09/07/2004 3:57 AM EDT

When I lived in Okinawa, I was privy to living with the biggest spiders I had ever seen. Banana Spiders. These things are just fucking huge! I’ve never seen one attack, or known anyone bit, but still, these things are unnatural.
One time we were camping up north at Okuma resort, and my friends and I came across a banana spider on the ground. Being a bunch of drunk sailors and Marines, we weren’t scared! That is, until the damned thing started jumping at us and chasing us back to camp. I would have paid money to see this from a 3rd person perspective. Six guys, some pretty big, running for their lives and screaming like little girls with a spider hopping after them….

God, do I treasure the embarassing moments in my life.

Ghosted by Brandon @ 09/07/2004 6:27 AM EDT

nate –

bang-dropping ass-wipers?

Ghosted by Whirred @ 09/07/2004 8:50 AM EDT

Si, capitain! Twenty lives to save two hundred! Those are odds I can live with!

Ghosted by Erik E. @ 09/07/2004 10:46 AM EDT

Ewwwwww……Check the bang droppin’ spider I got to play with(clicky the name)

Ghosted by Blah...blah @ 09/07/2004 11:13 AM EDT

I might ask my Sister In Iraq if she has any pics of those Camel Spiders. Now, those are some freaky-lookin’ arachnids.

Ghosted by kingklash @ 09/07/2004 1:57 PM EDT

*shudder*

i have no problem with spiders as long as they are outside, far from my house. in my last appartment there was a spider web just outside my door in the spring with all these baby spiders crawling all over it…it was really creepy

I sprayed them with Fantastik then hosed them down with water; they were back 3 days later, so i moved

Ghosted by -Jen- @ 09/07/2004 5:01 PM EDT

You saw a cool spider, and you didn’t let it bite you??!? Hello?!?! Have you seen Spiderman?

Ghosted by Patrick @ 09/07/2004 7:16 PM EDT

Daddy Longlegs are not aphids. Where the hell do you get that idea? An aphid is an insect. Longlegs are arachnids, just not spiders. Other non-spider arachnids include ticks and scorpions.

Matt’s spider is actually completely harmless to humans even if it does look like a souped-up widow spider. I forget the exact species name, but it’s VERY common where I lived in maryland, esspecially during the fall. In fact, I have one outside almost every window right now, sitting in a GIGANTIC round web…it’s like nature’s free halloween decoration. I tried to keep one as a pet once, but she turned out to be pregnant so I let her go as soon as she spun an egg-sac.

I adore spiders, beautiful animals. And they have superpowers.

Ghosted by Scythemantis @ 09/07/2004 7:56 PM EDT

Spider fact: everyone in their lifetime will injest approximately 8-10 spiders. Hahahaha!!!!

I heard about those evil screaming jumping leg-melting spiders, klash! Yipes! Eeek! Scary shit! No wonder Iraqi’s always so pissed off… Oh, yes: FYI – thumb-up sign in Arabian countries means "up yours". ooops. Tell your sister….

I thought spiders with those hour-glass thingy’s on their abdomens were always some sort of black widow? We had one living in our house for a week and we never saw it… wondered why a side-table always had webby things under it – turned it over one day and Uuugh! At least we don’t live near real African bushveld; size of those hairy spiders is frightening.

Not as bad as tiny jumpy things, though. They move too damn fast, like Shelob in LOTR.

Ghosted by childlike empressnessness @ 09/08/2004 12:15 PM EDT

http://spiders.ucr.edu/daddylonglegs.html

check this out scythemantis, neener neener neener!

Ghosted by mypurposevague @ 09/08/2004 7:00 PM EDT

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This entry was posted on Sunday, September 5th, 2004 at 4:45 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.