It’s a pretty nice day, so I took pictures for the next article outside. As I was setting shit up, there he was…the killer spider. Though the pic makes him look about 5000x larger and scarier than he was in reality, it’s never been common for me to find anything resembling an exotic spider around here. Mostly we get plain old black bugs and a few daddy longleggios. This spider is obviously neither, and I’ll bet you 50 bucks I’d be dead by now had it bit me.
The continuity displayed between this entry and the previous both being about something arachnous was completely intentional. And arachnous really is a word.
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Spiders are the ugliest creatures on Earth, and they live revolting lives…and they’ll never know how bad they really have it, because they’re too stupid to know.
The thing about the daddy longlegs venom…ha ha, I can’t believe a grownup still believed that. "Too tiny to bite you"? No fangs are too tiny to bite you. Here’s a fact: ALL spiders have venom, otherwise none could kill their food with one bite, a survival necessity for a spider. But only a few have venom strong enough to affect humans, and you can count the kind that can kill with one five-fingered hand.
Even still, I hate spiders, and who doesn’t? This summer I was lying on my bed at night in my underpants when a daddy longlegs came from behind and crawled up my back. I leapt 50 feet, squished the stupid thing to kingdom come and for the next few hours every itch messed with my mind.