You know, I've been waiting for a toy to emerge from all the Spider-Man 2 huzzabub to rival the Hulk's Hulk Hands, and I think this is it. The giant action figure is great and the smaller figure featuring a bike-riding Peter Parker with a pizza box missile launcher is cool, but nothing's really jumped out at me as an immediate buy quite like those giant green foam hands that talked. The Spider-Man "Wacky Wall Crawlers" may be small, but they've got it where it counts: they're cheap.

Found at our not-so-local Target, (which where, I swear to God, they'd hired someone to hop around the store in a giant kangaroo costume and greet customers) they're ultimately just rip-offs of the infamous Wacky Wall Walker octopi, but the Marvelized versions work a hundred times better and you don't even have to trek through a giant box of Crispix to get one. Two bucks is all it takes, baby.

The Spidey Crawlers are sold individually in packages that seem a bit too extravagant for five-cent sticky throwers. Not that they aren't cool, mind you. Oh...they're cool. You get to choose between blue and red; the more obvious red and blue swirl variety hasn't been released yet, but I'm sure big sales will guarantee it. So get buyin. It's pretty brilliant psychology on Toy Biz's part: by only selling Spider-Man crawlers each with only half of his trademark colors, we're lulled into thinking we actually want to buy two of them, when subconsciously we're just incapable of taking home something "Spider-Man Red" and nothing "Spider-Man Blue." And vice versa. Don't tell me that's not it, either -- why else would they forgo selling a two-pack and making the obvious cross-reference to the film's title? It's all about the Benjamin Parkers.

I'm not sure if I can do this without making the noise, but I look at that picture, and I think... LA, la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la LA LO. La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-LA LO.

You know, opera? That thing anyone who sings opera in a Looney Tunes short does? That la-la-la ah forget it.

The figures, dare I call them that, are beautifully crafted. They don't stop at the facial features and chest emblem -- this guy's got grooves of effort right down to the undersides of his lampoonably tiny feet. I know better than to handle them too much -- it ruins their ability to crawl down walls like drunken bugs -- but kids who can't resist will be pleased to learn that the Spider-Man crawler is capable of reaching lengths of over three feet without snapping in half and making the kids cry. Anything above 3'6" is a guaranteed tearjerker. I recommend storing them in Ziploc bags when not in use -- this'll keep their gooey flesh fresh, and it'll give you an excuse to buy the next round of "let's shove a beloved animated character on a Ziploc bag because kids eat sandwiches in school and kids love characters" promotion. I could've said it shorter, but I'm in no rush to see Clair get all up in Rudy's grill over the Money Stealing Purse Incident again.

What's that? Never seen a Wacky Wall Walker/Crawler/Creeper in action before? Man, it's something else. Don't think you know the drill just because you've thrown some other sticky toy at a wall before -- unless it's the real deal, it ain't worth SPIT. The grace with which these Spidey Crawlers dance downward is positively magical -- it never falls off, it never moves too quickly; for brief moments, you'll consider the notion that the toys may in fact be alive. I cannot properly illustrate their abilities with an animated gif, too bad I already made one:

With the debut of the official Spider-Man 2 Spider-Man Wacky Wall Crawler, I can safely say that we as a species have succeeded.

9 outta 10. I only give 10s to movies starring Robert Prosky, sorry.