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Spider-Man Wants A Tip!

This was heehawrioush. Near where I work are a great number of beggars, ranging from the kind you genuinely feel terrible for to scam artists of the lowest order. You grow accustomed to being accosted, and if you can make it through the day with your coffee change and extra cigarettes intact, you've done better than most. The greatest of all money grubbers stood tall in Times Square today, and it was none other than Spider-Man.

So I'm approaching Spidey, and I'm just assuming it's some kind of big promotion. There's always some weird shit like that going on. The closer I get, the more I realize that I'm looking at an outfit straight out of Ben Cooper's trashcan. If there's been a worse, more poorly fitting or disingenuous Spider-Man costume, it's for certain that the Devil walks among us. Pretty soon, Spidey's plan revealed itself: the guy was posing for pictures with tourists for tips. You had hundreds of people running across busy avenues, kids screaming, flashes flashing, the works. The costume barely covered the sweatsuit underneath, and his head peered out from the all-too-large eyeholes in ways that'd unmask any secret identity. And, for a Spider-Man, this guy was really out of shape. Despite all of this, everyone was completely infatuated.

Using a milkcrate to collect his donations, Spider-Man was admittedly a crowd-pleaser. If someone wanted a superhero pose, they got one. If somebody wanted Spidey to dance with them, passing cars were treated with a sight only slightly less surreal than watching goats fuck dolphins. The best part? As people walked by, Spider-Man would frequently yell out, "see the movie!" You've gotta admire the guy's determination to seem affiliated. To put how unreal this was into perspective, there was a guy literally thirty feet away strumming a guitar wearing nothing but white underwear reading "NAKED COWBOY" over the ass, and not a single person was paying attention to him. It was all about the mysterious ghetto Spidey.

Posted by Matt on 07/19/2004. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 131 comments

It’s a sad day when people ignore the Naked Cowboy, who’s not a particularly good guitarist, but is, at least, a really nice guy.

Chestnuts roasted by Seth Christenfeld @ 07/20/2004 11:56 AM

Hey Matt, I know your are busy with your job, but in the near future can please review one of the Care Bears movie and/or epsiode. I want see how you comment Grumpy Bear always complaining all the time and Hug and Tug just being annoying.

Chestnuts roasted by Beta-Theta @ 07/20/2004 11:57 AM

Also, you can comment how Brave heart (the Care Bear’s couisn, not the movie) should learn to shut his mouth up, and once acting like a coward, in Care Bears in Wonderland, when it come to fighting Giant Robot. You hear me, Giant Robot!!!!!!

Chestnuts roasted by Beta-Theta @ 07/20/2004 12:02 PM

OoP! I ment to say giant robots, not robot. Sorry:)

Chestnuts roasted by Beta-Theta @ 07/20/2004 12:03 PM

Pedro, where does he keep all the money while he is naked cowboying?

If you are ever out late in Boston, be sure to keep an eye out for guy on a suped-up adult tricycle. He is constantly riding at night; unless he stops for a slice at http://www.littlestevies.com/">Little Stevie’s. He does ride out to the suburbs as well.

I used to see him during the day when I was in high school in the city. You would hear his yell before you could see him speeding down crowded sidewalks.

Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 07/20/2004 12:45 PM

Me,

I wondered the same thing when I read the piece. He wears cowboy boots, so maybe he just crams the dough in in there, although I highly doubt it as thousands of dollars in singles and fives would be quite cumbersome, to say the least. I imagine he has a pimp of sorts that comes by to pick up the dough so he’s not NYC’s most naked mugging waiting to happen.

I have also recently seen a Naked Cowgirl in Times Square along the same lines, although she wears a tighty whitey style bra (if you can imagine such a contraption.)

Those souped up bicyle guys are all over Atlantic City and the Long Beach Boardwalk on LI. Sadly, they don’t yell at us. It’s NY, so they go wherever the hell they want.

Chestnuts roasted by Pedro @ 07/20/2004 1:18 PM

I thought he might tuck it in his guitar/defense weapon, but your pimp idea makes more sense.

The tricycle man’s yell was more of a noise than something you would expect from someone’s mouth. He might be autistic, as the one time I was in Little Stevie’s with him, I did not hear him say anything.

Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 07/20/2004 2:13 PM

Hmmmm, Naked Cowboy and Tricycle man, when will this madness end.

Chestnuts roasted by Beta-Theta @ 07/20/2004 3:07 PM

I have no idea what you guys (Pedro and ME) are talking (Naked Cowboy and a man riding tricycle) about since I live in the suburb.
P.S. Thanks ME for the link to the G.I.Joe PSA parodies by Fensler Film. PSA # 24 (origanl about wearing a life jacket) always make me laugh and remind me of the old Transformer PSA now found new PS2 game.

Chestnuts roasted by Beta-Theta @ 07/20/2004 3:15 PM

Wow.
I really wish we had cool panhandlers here, unfortunately, they are mostly of the "I feel really sorry for you" or "Don’t even think about trying to get my money" varieties. Nobody in costume, though.

The worst was when I was approached by two different men, at two different times (I am a woman), and both of them began with "Excuse me, sir."
Yeah, If I really had money to give you, you sure as hell won’t be getting anything by calling me "Sir."
Crap.

Chestnuts roasted by Rainbowfeet @ 07/20/2004 3:43 PM

shit

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 07/20/2004 3:45 PM

Man I ran into some bums in canada. Damn they’re pushy. Me and some friends went to Vancouver and were walking around the part of town where Blunt Brothers is located. Anyway we were about 2 maybe 3 block away when this bum started yelling "Hey Hey.." so we were hopeing he wasn’t yelling at us. He ran up to us and demanded that we give him twenty dollars. We were like no and he was all "man I work at Blunt Brothers and I’m strapped so give me twenty bucks and I’ll hook you guys up." Well we had just been to BB and knew he was full of bullshit. That and he was methed out of his mind. So we said no again and walked away and he started following us. He was giving us this crap about how thirty bucks american is twenty bucks canadian so if we give him thirty bucks he’ll give us twenty. So we’re like no again but he still kept following us. On and on he stayed with us. Finally he snapped and said "I’ll fuckin stab you!" So we were like fuck this and went into the nearest bank and told the security guard that this crazy bum has been following us for the past ten blocks. Then his retarded russian friend comes into the bank after us and was all like "what the matter guys? whats wrong?" THE FUCK!!!? Your some insane meth freak whose been following us all day and your asking whats wrong. So eventually the cops come and arrest the guy. But man the next time I’m going to Vancouver I’m bringing some steel batons and I’m going to put some beat down on those wacked meth junkies.

Chestnuts roasted by Zanders @ 07/20/2004 3:54 PM

I’ve only been to NYC once, for about an hour, but I totally saw the Naked Cowboy!

Chestnuts roasted by Piscez @ 07/20/2004 4:13 PM

whitemale_98/competent soldier and TOM, are you talking about some Michael Jackson TV movie? I have just watched the http://www.kateclarke.net/misscastaway.mov">trailer from http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0395669/">this terrible looking movie that actually has Jackson. Eric Roberts and the guy who played http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098795/">Ferris Bueller on the TV show are also in this cheap thing.

Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 07/20/2004 5:31 PM

It seems that Jackson is working again with the director of the movie above, but this time as co-director: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0326254/

Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 07/20/2004 5:38 PM

I know this all has nothing to do with what about to say, but I have to get this out!!!!!!!
I just finnished reading the Fearless Photog story and there is really nothing I can say that hasnt already been said about how I felt when reading about the life and times of Nathan Bitner (though, Im going to try even if I cant spell or use propper sentance structure)

The best way I can think of discribing it is I felt like Basjin in The Never Ending story, I felt as if I was there and a part of it all. Not only did I come to learn about Nathan, but I got to see so much about the people that regulary posted, I had so much fun reading everything everyone had to say, I laughed as if I were there in a actual room with friends, I was upset when an idea or thought fell through, and I was happy when Nathan made his appearance!

I feel the main purpose of this "quest" was something different to everyone, and most likely changed as each month or story passed. For what it ment to me the most is, that when a group of people come together in any walk of life they can truly accoplish almost anything! What you have done is shown that people do care for eachother, people do have fun with life, and people are not so different.

It didnt matter if Nathan ever posted or not, just that you tired hard and cared enough to keep going after such a long time.
I know everything I said sounds clishe but I honestly see what see in this story. It took me about 4 days to read it all, and I just want to jump right back in and read it all over again. I dont think something like this could ever happen again, its a one in a life time deal, and I was just so glad I happen to stumble apon it.

Thank you to everyone!

Chestnuts roasted by Kate Chapman @ 07/20/2004 6:46 PM

* I Know this has nothing to do with this blog but…* :P

Chestnuts roasted by Kate Chapman @ 07/20/2004 6:47 PM

I just heard MJ is going to be the father of triplets? or quaddruplets? something like that!

Chestnuts roasted by Loozer @ 07/20/2004 7:42 PM

I was in New York for the first time last weekend with some friends (I’m from Arkansas), and saw Spidey in Times Square! I hate to say it, but I was a tourist and took a picture with the guy…..in my picture you can see how out of shape the guy is. I was sad because I didn’t see the Naked Cowboy- my NY friend had mentioned him before but he wasn’t there that day.

Chestnuts roasted by Carararara @ 07/20/2004 8:26 PM

Wow, Beed. I didn’t know you went to X-E. Matt, do you think you can pull a string or two and have a "classic day" in which you play a modified GAS schedule (Nick Arcade, Angry Beavers, Double Dare (NOT DD2000!), Secrets of the Hidden Temple (Go Olmec!), etc etc etc). Oh, and my favorite, What Would You Do?! Love your site. Long time reader, first time poster.

Chestnuts roasted by SD, the person who lives next to the last Discovery Zone @ 07/20/2004 9:17 PM

Hooray for ghetto Spiderman! XD

Chestnuts roasted by ApolloBoy @ 07/20/2004 11:15 PM

I’ll bet this spider’s blood is a little more than radioactive…

Chestnuts roasted by Summer @ 07/21/2004 12:16 PM

Man! What the ‘F’ is with me not being able to post on here due to the "Greymatter" thing?! I’ve been silent for too long! I’ve gotta agree, Canadian bums are pushy, but they have to be – especially when their dollar is worth half of ours!

~The stars at night are big and bright. . .

Chestnuts roasted by Mugzy. . . @ 07/21/2004 12:27 PM

Great stories about beggars and bums in costumes :D Some guy ate 20000 big macs, but thats not the amazing part…the amazing part is that he is still alive! He looks like a crazy mid 70′s computer geek too!

That spider bum song was great XD

Chestnuts roasted by heeloyd @ 07/21/2004 1:46 AM

Ok, I caught the commercial for http://www.vh1.com/shows/dyn/man_in_the_mirror/series.jhtml">Man in the Mirror and understand why it looks freaky. MJ is being played by http://www.powerentertainment.net/clients/html/FlexAlexander.htm">Flex Alexander.

Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 07/21/2004 2:23 AM

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This entry was posted on Monday, July 19th, 2004 at 9:56 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.