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07/19/2004: Spider-Man Wants A Tip!

This was heehawrioush. Near where I work are a great number of beggars, ranging from the kind you genuinely feel terrible for to scam artists of the lowest order. You grow accustomed to being accosted, and if you can make it through the day with your coffee change and extra cigarettes intact, you’ve done better than most. The greatest of all money grubbers stood tall in Times Square today, and it was none other than Spider-Man.

So I’m approaching Spidey, and I’m just assuming it’s some kind of big promotion. There’s always some weird shit like that going on. The closer I get, the more I realize that I’m looking at an outfit straight out of Ben Cooper’s trashcan. If there’s been a worse, more poorly fitting or disingenuous Spider-Man costume, it’s for certain that the Devil walks among us. Pretty soon, Spidey’s plan revealed itself: the guy was posing for pictures with tourists for tips. You had hundreds of people running across busy avenues, kids screaming, flashes flashing, the works. The costume barely covered the sweatsuit underneath, and his head peered out from the all-too-large eyeholes in ways that’d unmask any secret identity. And, for a Spider-Man, this guy was really out of shape. Despite all of this, everyone was completely infatuated.

Using a milkcrate to collect his donations, Spider-Man was admittedly a crowd-pleaser. If someone wanted a superhero pose, they got one. If somebody wanted Spidey to dance with them, passing cars were treated with a sight only slightly less surreal than watching goats fuck dolphins. The best part? As people walked by, Spider-Man would frequently yell out, “see the movie!” You’ve gotta admire the guy’s determination to seem affiliated. To put how unreal this was into perspective, there was a guy literally thirty feet away strumming a guitar wearing nothing but white underwear reading “NAKED COWBOY” over the ass, and not a single person was paying attention to him. It was all about the mysterious ghetto Spidey.


Posted by Matt. E-mail me!

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Discussion Thread: 131 comments

It’s a sad day when people ignore the Naked Cowboy, who’s not a particularly good guitarist, but is, at least, a really nice guy.

Ghosted by Seth Christenfeld @ 07/20/2004 11:56 AM EDT

Hey Matt, I know your are busy with your job, but in the near future can please review one of the Care Bears movie and/or epsiode. I want see how you comment Grumpy Bear always complaining all the time and Hug and Tug just being annoying.

Ghosted by Beta-Theta @ 07/20/2004 11:57 AM EDT

Also, you can comment how Brave heart (the Care Bear’s couisn, not the movie) should learn to shut his mouth up, and once acting like a coward, in Care Bears in Wonderland, when it come to fighting Giant Robot. You hear me, Giant Robot!!!!!!

Ghosted by Beta-Theta @ 07/20/2004 12:02 PM EDT

OoP! I ment to say giant robots, not robot. Sorry:)

Ghosted by Beta-Theta @ 07/20/2004 12:03 PM EDT

Pedro, where does he keep all the money while he is naked cowboying?

If you are ever out late in Boston, be sure to keep an eye out for guy on a suped-up adult tricycle. He is constantly riding at night; unless he stops for a slice at Little Stevie’s. He does ride out to the suburbs as well.

I used to see him during the day when I was in high school in the city. You would hear his yell before you could see him speeding down crowded sidewalks.

Ghosted by ME @ 07/20/2004 12:45 PM EDT

Me,

I wondered the same thing when I read the piece. He wears cowboy boots, so maybe he just crams the dough in in there, although I highly doubt it as thousands of dollars in singles and fives would be quite cumbersome, to say the least. I imagine he has a pimp of sorts that comes by to pick up the dough so he’s not NYC’s most naked mugging waiting to happen.

I have also recently seen a Naked Cowgirl in Times Square along the same lines, although she wears a tighty whitey style bra (if you can imagine such a contraption.)

Those souped up bicyle guys are all over Atlantic City and the Long Beach Boardwalk on LI. Sadly, they don’t yell at us. It’s NY, so they go wherever the hell they want.

Ghosted by Pedro @ 07/20/2004 1:18 PM EDT

I thought he might tuck it in his guitar/defense weapon, but your pimp idea makes more sense.

The tricycle man’s yell was more of a noise than something you would expect from someone’s mouth. He might be autistic, as the one time I was in Little Stevie’s with him, I did not hear him say anything.

Ghosted by ME @ 07/20/2004 2:13 PM EDT

Hmmmm, Naked Cowboy and Tricycle man, when will this madness end.

Ghosted by Beta-Theta @ 07/20/2004 3:07 PM EDT

I have no idea what you guys (Pedro and ME) are talking (Naked Cowboy and a man riding tricycle) about since I live in the suburb.
P.S. Thanks ME for the link to the G.I.Joe PSA parodies by Fensler Film. PSA # 24 (origanl about wearing a life jacket) always make me laugh and remind me of the old Transformer PSA now found new PS2 game.

Ghosted by Beta-Theta @ 07/20/2004 3:15 PM EDT

Wow.
I really wish we had cool panhandlers here, unfortunately, they are mostly of the "I feel really sorry for you" or "Don’t even think about trying to get my money" varieties. Nobody in costume, though.

The worst was when I was approached by two different men, at two different times (I am a woman), and both of them began with "Excuse me, sir."
Yeah, If I really had money to give you, you sure as hell won’t be getting anything by calling me "Sir."
Crap.

Ghosted by Rainbowfeet @ 07/20/2004 3:43 PM EDT

shit

Ghosted by Matt @ 07/20/2004 3:45 PM EDT

Man I ran into some bums in canada. Damn they’re pushy. Me and some friends went to Vancouver and were walking around the part of town where Blunt Brothers is located. Anyway we were about 2 maybe 3 block away when this bum started yelling "Hey Hey.." so we were hopeing he wasn’t yelling at us. He ran up to us and demanded that we give him twenty dollars. We were like no and he was all "man I work at Blunt Brothers and I’m strapped so give me twenty bucks and I’ll hook you guys up." Well we had just been to BB and knew he was full of bullshit. That and he was methed out of his mind. So we said no again and walked away and he started following us. He was giving us this crap about how thirty bucks american is twenty bucks canadian so if we give him thirty bucks he’ll give us twenty. So we’re like no again but he still kept following us. On and on he stayed with us. Finally he snapped and said "I’ll fuckin stab you!" So we were like fuck this and went into the nearest bank and told the security guard that this crazy bum has been following us for the past ten blocks. Then his retarded russian friend comes into the bank after us and was all like "what the matter guys? whats wrong?" THE FUCK!!!? Your some insane meth freak whose been following us all day and your asking whats wrong. So eventually the cops come and arrest the guy. But man the next time I’m going to Vancouver I’m bringing some steel batons and I’m going to put some beat down on those wacked meth junkies.

Ghosted by Zanders @ 07/20/2004 3:54 PM EDT

I’ve only been to NYC once, for about an hour, but I totally saw the Naked Cowboy!

Ghosted by Piscez @ 07/20/2004 4:13 PM EDT

whitemale_98/competent soldier and TOM, are you talking about some Michael Jackson TV movie? I have just watched the trailer from this terrible looking movie that actually has Jackson. Eric Roberts and the guy who played Ferris Bueller on the TV show are also in this cheap thing.

Ghosted by ME @ 07/20/2004 5:31 PM EDT

It seems that Jackson is working again with the director of the movie above, but this time as co-director: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0326254/

Ghosted by ME @ 07/20/2004 5:38 PM EDT

I know this all has nothing to do with what about to say, but I have to get this out!!!!!!!
I just finnished reading the Fearless Photog story and there is really nothing I can say that hasnt already been said about how I felt when reading about the life and times of Nathan Bitner (though, Im going to try even if I cant spell or use propper sentance structure)

The best way I can think of discribing it is I felt like Basjin in The Never Ending story, I felt as if I was there and a part of it all. Not only did I come to learn about Nathan, but I got to see so much about the people that regulary posted, I had so much fun reading everything everyone had to say, I laughed as if I were there in a actual room with friends, I was upset when an idea or thought fell through, and I was happy when Nathan made his appearance!

I feel the main purpose of this "quest" was something different to everyone, and most likely changed as each month or story passed. For what it ment to me the most is, that when a group of people come together in any walk of life they can truly accoplish almost anything! What you have done is shown that people do care for eachother, people do have fun with life, and people are not so different.

It didnt matter if Nathan ever posted or not, just that you tired hard and cared enough to keep going after such a long time.
I know everything I said sounds clishe but I honestly see what see in this story. It took me about 4 days to read it all, and I just want to jump right back in and read it all over again. I dont think something like this could ever happen again, its a one in a life time deal, and I was just so glad I happen to stumble apon it.

Thank you to everyone!

Ghosted by Kate Chapman @ 07/20/2004 6:46 PM EDT

* I Know this has nothing to do with this blog but…* :P

Ghosted by Kate Chapman @ 07/20/2004 6:47 PM EDT

I just heard MJ is going to be the father of triplets? or quaddruplets? something like that!

Ghosted by Loozer @ 07/20/2004 7:42 PM EDT

I was in New York for the first time last weekend with some friends (I’m from Arkansas), and saw Spidey in Times Square! I hate to say it, but I was a tourist and took a picture with the guy…..in my picture you can see how out of shape the guy is. I was sad because I didn’t see the Naked Cowboy- my NY friend had mentioned him before but he wasn’t there that day.

Ghosted by Carararara @ 07/20/2004 8:26 PM EDT

Wow, Beed. I didn’t know you went to X-E. Matt, do you think you can pull a string or two and have a "classic day" in which you play a modified GAS schedule (Nick Arcade, Angry Beavers, Double Dare (NOT DD2000!), Secrets of the Hidden Temple (Go Olmec!), etc etc etc). Oh, and my favorite, What Would You Do?! Love your site. Long time reader, first time poster.

Ghosted by SD, the person who lives next to the last Discovery Zone @ 07/20/2004 9:17 PM EDT

Hooray for ghetto Spiderman! XD

Ghosted by ApolloBoy @ 07/20/2004 11:15 PM EDT

I’ll bet this spider’s blood is a little more than radioactive…

Ghosted by Summer @ 07/21/2004 12:16 PM EDT

Man! What the ‘F’ is with me not being able to post on here due to the "Greymatter" thing?! I’ve been silent for too long! I’ve gotta agree, Canadian bums are pushy, but they have to be – especially when their dollar is worth half of ours!

~The stars at night are big and bright. . .

Ghosted by Mugzy. . . @ 07/21/2004 12:27 PM EDT

Great stories about beggars and bums in costumes :D Some guy ate 20000 big macs, but thats not the amazing part…the amazing part is that he is still alive! He looks like a crazy mid 70’s computer geek too!

That spider bum song was great XD

Ghosted by heeloyd @ 07/21/2004 1:46 AM EDT

Ok, I caught the commercial for Man in the Mirror and understand why it looks freaky. MJ is being played by Flex Alexander.

Ghosted by ME @ 07/21/2004 2:23 AM EDT

I lived in NYC from 2001-2003, and can attest to the strange beggars.

One time a friend of mine were checking out the comic book store down in Times Square (I can’t remember its name, but Matt knows what I’m referring to). I just exited the building when all of a sudden i heard this guy yell, "MOVE! MOVE!!!" I instinctivel threw myself backwards. Then, on my right side, some black homeless guy comes running like a bat out of hell, down feathers flying everywhere (strange in know). As he is running his pants are falling down. Just a few feet past me, the two cops running after him tackle the guy. By now, the bums pants are completely around his knees (he wasn’t wearing underwear. UGH!) There are also feathers everywhere. Now the two cops have him on the ground. They proceeeded to kick and beat the shit out of him. After watching that for a few minutes, my friend and I hit the subway.

I have so many questions from that event. Why were they cops chasing him? Why were feathers everywhere. Why in the world did this bum not have a belt on? Perhaps these will never be unanswered.

ANyhow, I thought you’d enjoy my enounter with a bum

Ghosted by SHANE! @ 07/21/2004 8:42 AM EDT

Oh yeah. Here’s another beggar story.

I used to live in Brooklyn, near the Heights area. There is a music shop on Montague Street that I would frequent. Well, there was also a homeless lady who sat right at the base of the stoop of the store. She would ask people coming out if they had any change. She wouldn’t say it very loud. She would always whisper it. So quiet you could barely hear her. Anyhow, I felt like a mean person. Many times, I would be walking out of the store with a purchase in hand. The change back would still be in my hand, and she would ask me if I had any change. Every time I said "NO."

Is that mean? I just don’t like giving homeless people money.

Ghosted by SHANE! @ 07/21/2004 8:47 AM EDT

I went to hollywood once, and there was a hobo in a 3 pieces toxedo asking for change saying he had a movie to finance

Ghosted by the guy nobody notices @ 07/21/2004 8:51 AM EDT

He is doing much better now than back in the 80’s when he was on the street corner as the punisher during the Dolf Lundren version of the movie.

Ghosted by thejyav @ 07/21/2004 9:55 AM EDT

Actually folks, that Miss Cast AAway film looks kinda cute. I think I might like it. Of course, what do I know, I also liked Dickie ROberts:Former CHild Star and the 2 Matrix sequels. By the way, why does everyone say Nick sucks right now? I like the shows. Of course, being born in 1992 and never having seen the 80s shows means I can’t judge. <_<

Ghosted by TOM @ 07/21/2004 10:06 AM EDT

I agree with Tom, some of the shows on Nick right now does not suck, for example Spongebob Squarepant and Fairly Oddparents, but the rest do indeed suck. For example, I cannot stand the Amanda show, sorry, that girl cannot act. Also, the singing in Chalkzone gets on my nerves. :@

Ghosted by Grumpy Bear @ 07/21/2004 11:42 AM EDT

Hmmmm. I don’t what else to say about spider-bum and the mythical "naked cowboy." Meanwhile, with the lastest Nick agruement, I hardly do not Nick at all. Right now, I am more into "Lilo & Sticth: The Series." So what it the same plot over and over again, but at least there different experiments in each epsoide.

Ghosted by Beta-Theta @ 07/21/2004 12:01 PM EDT

You should have taken your picture with Spider-Man.

[Can you answer my eMail about the Green Bamboo Peanuts, Matt?]

Ghosted by Mathew Olson @ 07/21/2004 12:30 PM EDT

I live in Nutley, NJ,and even though it’s only like 20 miles away from NYC, we’ve only got 2 crazy bums! You’d think some could have migrated south, but no… Anyway, we’ve have this one guy California Steve, who we guess is a vet but we don’t really go near enough to find out, and then there’s the "Just Do It!" guy, who is like 70 and for at least a decade has just benn running around our town bursting unexpectedly into storefronts and car windows screaming his catchphrase. Also, in the next town over, there’s a guy who just sits outside this really old house with homemade posters with conpiracy theories written on them taped all over it. Once I saw his house’s door fall down and he jumped out of his lawn chair and blamed it on the CIA.

Ghosted by Monte_Negro @ 07/21/2004 1:51 PM EDT

Hey, I’ve actually been to Nutley. My best friend in high school’s grandparents used to live there. Can’t remember their names. Fortunado I think. Wasn’t there long enough to notice some bums, but I’d lay heavy money there’s more than 2 there. :)

Ghosted by Beetle Bomb @ 07/21/2004 2:32 PM EDT

Whaaaa?

Ghosted by Summer @ 07/21/2004 2:52 PM EDT

Little Brother used to work at a McD’s in downtown Lawrence and had a few bum encounters. But the ones that he found hard to ignore were the young guys who could have went out and got a job, but would rather panhandle for party money. They would come in and harass the customers, and then get all indignant if chased off. He has a wife and cat to support, he can’t waste time dealing with snot-nosed punks.

Ghosted by kingklash @ 07/21/2004 3:23 PM EDT

I give Subway stamps to bums, but not enough to get a free sub. I can imagine the poor fellow finally getting enough points to get a sub, only to find that he must buy a drink before they redeem the points.

Ghosted by Gunder Wing @ 07/21/2004 4:02 PM EDT

My boyfriend’s office is near 3 homeless shelters in Toronto, and some of the stories he tells me…

One day he’s walking by and the guy in front of him leaves his empty juice bottle by the wall of a buidling. The man behind him, BAREFOOT, pickes up the bottle and says, "hey, don’t leave your bottle there, it’s dangerous! THIS could happen…" and lobs the bottle in the air, which of course shatters to a gazillion sharp fragments. He’s barefoot, remember?

There’s a bylaw now in Toronto banning squeegee kids. Too many people got their car scratched by disgruntled teens who didn’t get money for washing windshields with dry squeegees… So now they just panhandle holding coffee cups. Not so much in the wintertime, it’s funny how they don’t hate their parents as much when it’s minus twenty outside.

I wonder how warm that Spidey costume would keep him? Or does he wear Care Bear furs in the winter?

Ghosted by Yzziefrog @ 07/21/2004 4:57 PM EDT

Subway stamps. That’s a genius idea!!!!

Ghosted by SHANE! @ 07/21/2004 5:44 PM EDT

More than our share of bums here in Pittsburgh. Most just ask for change in that quiet, defeated voice. A few of them have ‘explanations’ of why they need money (’for the bus’ is the #1 reason). Most people just ignore them. It’s hard to feel sorry for panhandlers when they’re (often) smoking a cigarette, you know?

There’s one panhandler who hangs out near the Subway in my neighborhood. His schtick is carrying around flowers which he gives to anyone who wanders past him. His plan would probably work a lot better if the flowers weren’t the most dried-up and brittle things you’ve ever seen. Even worse, if you don’t give him enough money he takes the flowers back!!!

Ghosted by 4thDown @ 07/21/2004 5:45 PM EDT

Is this the end of the Photog saga Matt ? Please say it isn’t so.

Ghosted by Gozer @ 07/21/2004 6:17 PM EDT

There was a bum at vons last week that had no legs. It was creepy…

Ghosted by heeloyd @ 07/21/2004 6:35 PM EDT

The SpiderBum is the actor who played Spiderman in the 70’s TV show. After it was cancelled his career went into the toilet. So now he figures he can make a quick buck and break out his old costume.

Ghosted by Dikfishman @ 07/21/2004 8:01 PM EDT

Hey I was in NY on vacation that day! I saw un-fit spidy and the naked cowboy… very interesting!

Ghosted by Kontorted @ 07/21/2004 11:23 PM EDT

I’d like to see the Spider-Bum and Naked Cowboy togeather. Imagine the Cowboy playing Nate’s song while Spidey does the worst drunken dance you’ve ever seen.

Ghosted by Gunder Wing @ 07/22/2004 7:33 AM EDT

Me,

I finally broke down and visited that Little Stevie’s website you kept pitching. Hysterical.

Ghosted by Pedro @ 07/22/2004 10:51 AM EDT

I would like to verify that I saw a "Spiderguy" dressed up exactly like this at Battery Bark in NYC in early May. Just kind of sat on a bench, had a milk carton and plastic crate. Waved at people. I didn’t take a picture and I really regret it now! Business did not seem to be going as well for him then as Matt says he is doing now.

Ghosted by DannyW @ 07/22/2004 1:37 PM EDT

Spidey-Bum was on the local news here in Louisville, KY two nights ago. I forget what the story was about but it was completely Spuidey-Bum unrelated. He just happened to be one of the onlookers in a shot of Times Square.

I immediately thought of X-E.

Ghosted by gerigrrl @ 07/22/2004 1:51 PM EDT

I wonder if this guy could get his own show on Fox…

Ghosted by Evil Urchin @ 07/22/2004 3:13 PM EDT

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