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Spider-Man Wants A Tip!

This was heehawrioush. Near where I work are a great number of beggars, ranging from the kind you genuinely feel terrible for to scam artists of the lowest order. You grow accustomed to being accosted, and if you can make it through the day with your coffee change and extra cigarettes intact, you've done better than most. The greatest of all money grubbers stood tall in Times Square today, and it was none other than Spider-Man.

So I'm approaching Spidey, and I'm just assuming it's some kind of big promotion. There's always some weird shit like that going on. The closer I get, the more I realize that I'm looking at an outfit straight out of Ben Cooper's trashcan. If there's been a worse, more poorly fitting or disingenuous Spider-Man costume, it's for certain that the Devil walks among us. Pretty soon, Spidey's plan revealed itself: the guy was posing for pictures with tourists for tips. You had hundreds of people running across busy avenues, kids screaming, flashes flashing, the works. The costume barely covered the sweatsuit underneath, and his head peered out from the all-too-large eyeholes in ways that'd unmask any secret identity. And, for a Spider-Man, this guy was really out of shape. Despite all of this, everyone was completely infatuated.

Using a milkcrate to collect his donations, Spider-Man was admittedly a crowd-pleaser. If someone wanted a superhero pose, they got one. If somebody wanted Spidey to dance with them, passing cars were treated with a sight only slightly less surreal than watching goats fuck dolphins. The best part? As people walked by, Spider-Man would frequently yell out, "see the movie!" You've gotta admire the guy's determination to seem affiliated. To put how unreal this was into perspective, there was a guy literally thirty feet away strumming a guitar wearing nothing but white underwear reading "NAKED COWBOY" over the ass, and not a single person was paying attention to him. It was all about the mysterious ghetto Spidey.

Posted by Matt on 07/19/2004. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 131 comments

Duh Mickey D’s burgers suck. If you want good burgers, go to burger king. Also Nate, I also talk to myself and space out sometimes. I even sometimes get so distracted with someting, I can’t hear any outside voices.
ps. WHo would win in a battle of the Mascots: Spyro, Banjo ((and kazooie, Crash Bandicoot?

Chestnuts roasted by TOM @ 07/20/2004 1:07 AM

There is a pretty horrible spider-man costume here, as well, from the Turkish Spider-man vs. Captain America movie

http://i-mockery.com/minimocks/3devadam/default.asp

Chestnuts roasted by FuzzyHulk @ 07/20/2004 1:21 AM

Matt-I cannot believe that you are no longer letting people post on archived blog entries. Now I can’t post anything on the photog entry anymore. That is so Bitner!

Just kidding. I completely understand. It was probably taking up too much webspace and perhaps even bandwidth (I need to learn more about webmaster if I plan on doing such a thing), which you need for more articles.

Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 07/20/2004 1:29 AM

TOM-No. BK sucks too. If you want a real burger, go to a restaurant. But now that I think of it, if I were in a restaurant, the last thing I would want to order is a burger as there are most likely many far more tasty items on the menu.

WARNING: BORING STORY PART AHEAD!!!

This reminds me of an anecdote my dad, uncle, and grandparents told me. Apparently when my uncle and dad were kids, whenever they went out to a restaurant, my grandma would always order for my uncle. One day my uncle started crying after my grandma ordered for him. Adter asking him why he was crying he said, "I wanted to order." My grandma went ahead and said "Alright. Go ahead and order." And then my uncle got this looked at the waitress and said ever so proudly "A HAAAMMMBUUURRRGERRR!" with a big smile on his face. From that day forward until he was a little more grown up, he always ordered a hamburger.

Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 07/20/2004 1:35 AM

Tron Tron Tron Tron Tron Tron

Hooray for these words written by matt!

Nate that was an awesome story! except fpr the thaipose. HA HA!

Spidey-bum
Spidey-bum
He does whatever he can for money

Chestnuts roasted by dfhjdjh @ 07/20/2004 1:47 AM

Everyone has probably already seen it already, but just in case you haven’t…

Lego Spider-man!
http://playlist.yahoo.com/makeplaylist.dll?id=1277881&sdm=web&qtw=480&qth=300

Chestnuts roasted by Marchant @ 07/20/2004 1:53 AM

"Spider-Bum, Spider-Bum
From the pavement he gets his gum
Embrasses himself, for some fries
And in the night, eats the flies
Look out!
Here comes a Spider-Bum

Does he smell?
Listen kid
He’s got essence of pure shit
Does he pee in his sweats
Take a look at his pants
Hey there
There goes a Spider-Bum

In the chill of night
At the location of his home
There is a big assed box
With which he fights off the cold

Spider-Bum, Spider-Bum
Creepy neighborhood Spider-Bum
Wealth and fame
Is what he wants
But what he gets
Is lots of phot shots

To him, life is a great big trip up
And his mask often likes to slip up
And his name is a Spider-Bum!"

Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 07/20/2004 2:12 AM

Nickelodeon was good back in the day, but there are few shows left that I can watch without imploding into an unending vortex of horror. However, Spongebob is awesome, and, until they took it off the air, Invader Zim was one of the best shows ever.

Chestnuts roasted by eyebrowsoffire @ 07/20/2004 2:23 AM

you’re lucky that you didn’t get http://www.clickondetroit.com/news/3548529/detail.html">beat up by superman.

Chestnuts roasted by urquidez @ 07/20/2004 3:17 AM

I wanna live in New York… :(

Chestnuts roasted by Brad @ 07/20/2004 4:02 AM

Hey guys,

About halfway through reading this article I got a mental picture of a whole rag tag group of creepy cheesy deranged super heros begging for cash roaming the streets. Just picture a hunched over old Flash with a limp, coughing from some lung ailment and scratching near his navel through a convenient hole in is suit. Or a silver surfer complete with tarnished silver suit, painted black rubber boots with an old surf board with a shark bite out of the side of it. Luckily, where I am from they shoo this losers off the street pretty quickly. Unfortunately god knows where they go, for all I know the get dropped off at the next corner for a little more superhero mayhem!!!

Chestnuts roasted by Mooseknuckle @ 07/20/2004 7:12 AM

I bet under that mask was Nathan Bitner

Chestnuts roasted by Mr King @ 07/20/2004 7:59 AM

Eh, I’d hang out with Street Spidey way before "Naked" "Cowboy" creep. That guy needs to stop showing up on my TV with his creepy-ass grimace and Axl Rose hair. Come to think of it, how do we know that the Naked Cowboy isn’t Michale Jackson under all that "Naked" "Cowboy?"

Chestnuts roasted by Molten @ 07/20/2004 8:04 AM

We have a similar guy, but he dresses up as the Riddler. It doesn’t go over quite as well. Maybe when the new Riddler movie comes out he will have more luck. Until then, he just seems kinda scary.

Chestnuts roasted by Stilewalker @ 07/20/2004 8:19 AM

Everyone’s got to make an honest living.

Chestnuts roasted by pulseczar @ 07/20/2004 8:30 AM

41st post. Woo hoo!

Chestnuts roasted by fraggot @ 07/20/2004 8:31 AM

You know, Matt, a picture of the Naked Cowboy would have been appreciated.

Our homeless people (we can’t call them "bums" in Canada, or the PC police will get us) are nowhere near as interesting, except for one called The Shaky Lady. She was profiled in a newspaper, a seemingly frail lady who could barely walk, and shaking all the time. Turns out she was spry enough to run after the reporter to try to hit him with her cane, and the reporter got picture of where she lives, complete with leather couches and big-screen TV. She had to take her act on the road, and has been seen around the country at various national events.

I’ll take Spidey any day. At least you’d get a cool picture out of your change.

Chestnuts roasted by Yzziefrog @ 07/20/2004 8:52 AM

I really have nothing to say regarding our friend Spidey, but I am outraged to see that throughtout all the Nickelodeon debates you’ve all failed to mention the channel’s most important show of all – The Ren & Stimpy Show! Muddy Mudskipper, the tooth beaver, Mr Horse, Powdered Toast Man, Log. Even satan showed up that time Ren whizzed on the Electric Fence. I don’t even know why I have a TV anymore.

Chestnuts roasted by Tougi @ 07/20/2004 9:00 AM

The Naked Cowboy is one of the relatively permanent fixtures of Times Square. I’ve seen him walking around in all his naked glory in the dead of winter, and somehow he;s lost his mystique as a result of being seen so frequently. Now, Spider-Man, however, is something you don’t see every day. Especially if he happens to be of the Spider-Bum variety. He’s got the je ne sais quoi at the moment that the Naked Cowboy apparently has only for his rare and twisted groupies… Honestly, who would be a groupie for a naked cowboy???

Man, I wish I were back in the city instead of stranded in the middle of nowhere right now…

Chestnuts roasted by Pirate7L @ 07/20/2004 9:33 AM

No.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 07/20/2004 9:49 AM

Speaking of hamburgers, the best kind are the homemade kind, like my dad makes. Even better with homemade fries.

Chestnuts roasted by Teirusu @ 07/20/2004 10:06 AM

I was just having a discussion with my girlfriend about panhandlers. If they have a convincing story or really work at it, I’ll give them the cash. A down-on-his-luck Spidey? Worth a coin or two.

Down in D.C./Maryland, they don’t even care. And besides, most of the panhandlers sport nice looking backpacks, watches, etc. I even caught one of them on his cell phone (and the damn thing was exponentially better than mine!)

From my limited travels, I have to say that NYC panhandlers are a cut above the rest:
D.C.= Lethargic people with signs who walk alongside roads & probably make more than minimum wage per hour.
Seattle= Pushy, rude, and they will pickpocket.

Chestnuts roasted by Lackadaisical @ 07/20/2004 10:09 AM

There was a short piece about the Naked Cowboy and other NYC street performers in a recent issue of Time Out New York. He claims to make, on average, $5/minute (yes, minute!) posing for pictures w/ tourists. $5/minute, $300/hr, $2100 day (7 hr., day, 1 hr. for lunch), $10,500/week (5 day week except for Christmas season (nipple warmers permitting)), $42,000/month, $504,000/yr. CASH MONEY!! No deductions for 401(k), SS, fed tax, state tax, god damn CITY TAX!! What the Fuck am I doing in an office buidling on sunny day in suit and tie working for corporate egomaniacs?

Chestnuts roasted by Pedro @ 07/20/2004 11:05 AM

Panhandlers in New York are seeming to get more and more creative, dressing up as every favorite marvel superheroes living in New York. What next for them, dressing up as Disney’s charaters, offering to hug children with a small donation, or one of the cats from the Broadway musical, Cats.

Chestnuts roasted by Beta-Theta @ 07/20/2004 11:53 AM

Waaay back in my youth, I remember bums kinda like Senor Cardgage (aka creepy comb-over Strong Bad). At least Spidey-Bum can speak actual words. Clikk th’ name.

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 07/20/2004 11:56 AM

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This entry was posted on Monday, July 19th, 2004 at 9:56 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.