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Spider-Man Wants A Tip!

This was heehawrioush. Near where I work are a great number of beggars, ranging from the kind you genuinely feel terrible for to scam artists of the lowest order. You grow accustomed to being accosted, and if you can make it through the day with your coffee change and extra cigarettes intact, you've done better than most. The greatest of all money grubbers stood tall in Times Square today, and it was none other than Spider-Man.

So I'm approaching Spidey, and I'm just assuming it's some kind of big promotion. There's always some weird shit like that going on. The closer I get, the more I realize that I'm looking at an outfit straight out of Ben Cooper's trashcan. If there's been a worse, more poorly fitting or disingenuous Spider-Man costume, it's for certain that the Devil walks among us. Pretty soon, Spidey's plan revealed itself: the guy was posing for pictures with tourists for tips. You had hundreds of people running across busy avenues, kids screaming, flashes flashing, the works. The costume barely covered the sweatsuit underneath, and his head peered out from the all-too-large eyeholes in ways that'd unmask any secret identity. And, for a Spider-Man, this guy was really out of shape. Despite all of this, everyone was completely infatuated.

Using a milkcrate to collect his donations, Spider-Man was admittedly a crowd-pleaser. If someone wanted a superhero pose, they got one. If somebody wanted Spidey to dance with them, passing cars were treated with a sight only slightly less surreal than watching goats fuck dolphins. The best part? As people walked by, Spider-Man would frequently yell out, "see the movie!" You've gotta admire the guy's determination to seem affiliated. To put how unreal this was into perspective, there was a guy literally thirty feet away strumming a guitar wearing nothing but white underwear reading "NAKED COWBOY" over the ass, and not a single person was paying attention to him. It was all about the mysterious ghetto Spidey.

Posted by Matt on 07/19/2004. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 131 comments
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Damn guy stole all the attention from me… :(

Chestnuts roasted by Naked Cowboy @ 07/19/2004 10:03 PM

More, indeilable proof that no one can resist a costumed character, no matter how lame they may be.

Chestnuts roasted by Freezair @ 07/19/2004 10:06 PM

Little Kid: What’s that Spidey? (Pointing to his crotch)
Spidey: Uhh…web fluid stains.

Sorry about the innuendo. But seriously, did this guy have anything particularly nasty about him? Did he smell bad or have any unusual stains or whatever? I would imagine a guy like this would, but I need confirmation from you Matt.

Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 07/19/2004 10:15 PM

Further Note:Let’s rename the kid "Jimmy" and insert a "," before the word "Spidey."

Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 07/19/2004 10:18 PM

I should probably mention that I don’t mean any disrespect for the guy. I would definitely give him more than the change in my pocket for the very fact that he’s paying a tribute to my favorite superhero.

Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 07/19/2004 10:24 PM

Man, NY gets all the good bums. The one I passed today in FL had a sign that said "Hungy Vet." Yup, that’s how he spelled it. Hungy. Guess that says something slightly different about him…

Chestnuts roasted by Kidd Video @ 07/19/2004 10:25 PM

Kidd Video-LOL. That’s how one of my cousins used to say it when she was like, two.

Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 07/19/2004 10:26 PM

I’m not much of a follower of the comic books, did Peter and Mary Jane have kids, that would strain anyones wallet…maybe Spideys got bills we don’t even know about(er, web fluid stain dry cleaning bills).
Even if they didn’t have kids maybe Peter and MJ are getting a divorce…Spiderman, from what I’ve heard it’s cheaper to keep her.

Chestnuts roasted by whitemale_98/competent soldier @ 07/19/2004 10:40 PM

http://www.nakedcowboy.com
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0961445/

Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 07/19/2004 10:44 PM

By the way, has anyone stopped to consider the very real possibility that that is Michael Jackson under that costume…

(Anyone else see the VH1 commercial for the Michael Jackson movie? I won’t be able to sleep for a month…)

Chestnuts roasted by whitemale_98/competent soldier @ 07/19/2004 10:47 PM

I find it particularly amusing that his costume is so shoddy XD
1)His mask doesn’t even fit on that well, and, you can see his neck
2)His boots are a bit akward looking
3)His ants are quite a bit baggy and almost looks like sweat pants
4)And, god, I have to love that shirt

Street-bum-spidey, you are now my hero.

Chestnuts roasted by Teh Bret @ 07/19/2004 10:58 PM

I can’t say no to a costumed character, but I probaly would to this one.

Chestnuts roasted by pikachulover @ 07/19/2004 11:00 PM

Cute! Anyway, Matt, now that you work there, Do you have any shows on Nickelodeon that you just loathe entirely and in general think just plain suck @^%*&^*. Mine are CHalkzone, the new epicodes of RUgrats (Seriously, kimi turned the babies brains into shit with her prescence and destroyed the shows charm by making it into just another baby show by making all the babies idiots) and anything on Nick Jr. Everyone else is open to this topic as well, so feel free to answer in

Chestnuts roasted by TOM @ 07/19/2004 11:32 PM

To be quite honest with you, I hate everything about how Nick currently is. I miss the days when they aired shows like "Double Dare", "You Can’t Do That on Television", "Turkey TV", and so on, along with interesting cartoons like "The Mysterious Cities of Gold" and "Spartakus and the Sun Beneath the Sea".

Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 07/19/2004 11:39 PM

Although that’s not to say that I wouldn’t want a job working for them. Any writing job of this magnitude, regard less of how much the company may suck, has got to rule.

Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 07/19/2004 11:40 PM

Oh and also, whitemale_98/competent soldier, THat guy was not Michael Jackson(AKA Freakazoid) . ANyone could tell that that guy had a fully formed face (With a nose)!

Chestnuts roasted by TOM @ 07/19/2004 11:41 PM

NATE! I LIKE NICK SO DON"T BADMOUTH THEM! Ofcourse, I never saw any of those 80s cartoons (considering I was born in 1992). Yep, I am a 90s kid on an 80′s website
PS Sorry for allo my rambling and friggin’ annoying posts. I have a mental and social dissability called Asspergers syndrome (Pronounced Ass-Burgers). Don’t call me retarded or make any jokes involving the words Ass or Burgers

Chestnuts roasted by A very outraged TOM @ 07/19/2004 11:47 PM

TOM-Hey Ass Burger (sorry, I just couldn’t resist), chill out bro. It’s okay if you like it, it’s just that I don’t. And I won’t ccall you retarded. Besides, it seems like everybody today has some sort of disability. As for me, I have ADD. I love talking to myself (I’m doing it right now), and I space out quite frquently. Of course, there has been my past with drugs (something I’ve overcome), but I’ve always had problems paying attention in class and when people are talking to me (although it’s gotten better, as I have learned to fight it). So don’t worry, man.

Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 07/19/2004 11:57 PM

Actually WM_98/CS I would figure that MJ was the primary breadwinner of the peter MJ duo. I mean she was a famous model, and he spent most of his time saving people for free.

Chestnuts roasted by Jonas @ 07/19/2004 11:59 PM

Y’know, McDonald’s burgers really do smell like ass. They taste like it too. Wait a minute. How would I know that?

Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 07/19/2004 11:59 PM

LMAO, I LOVE Spider-bum!

Reminds me of "Old Cross-back". He’s a nutcase at Ocean City MD that has an eyepatch, and a sandwich bag on his foot, he’s always dragging around a big cross on wheels on his back.
He’s cool!

Chestnuts roasted by Tetsu Deinonychus @ 07/20/2004 12:31 PM

That rocks. Ah, to be in NY…

LBD "Nytetrayn"

Chestnuts roasted by LBD "Nytetrayn" @ 07/20/2004 12:53 PM

Nick’s always been allright with me. Although I somehow completely missed out on that Spartikus show (The original title being Le Monde Engloutis, I think that’s how it’s spelled). Encyclopedia Obscura got me interested in it.

I, too have Asperger’s. But I still have no clue what that means, other than I have autistic tendencies (I tend to rock back and forth and not even notice it). I don’t think it’s ever gotten in my way. Well, it does once people who are intolerant towards people with any disability know I have it, but that’s a different story.

Chestnuts roasted by Teirusu @ 07/20/2004 12:54 PM

He’s cool for a bum. I want bums dressed up like spiderman around here, here they just push around their shopping carts and scare the shit out of me when they jump in the dumpster behind the grocery store I work at. He may be a bum, but he’s a creative one in a crappy costume! Yay for spidey bum!

Chestnuts roasted by sailor moon @ 07/20/2004 12:57 PM

I always thought it was spelled Aspergers. You probably wouldn’t feel as self-conscious if you spelled it that way.

Chestnuts roasted by TB @ 07/20/2004 1:00 AM

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This entry was posted on Monday, July 19th, 2004 at 9:56 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.