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07/19/2004: Spider-Man Wants A Tip!

This was heehawrioush. Near where I work are a great number of beggars, ranging from the kind you genuinely feel terrible for to scam artists of the lowest order. You grow accustomed to being accosted, and if you can make it through the day with your coffee change and extra cigarettes intact, you’ve done better than most. The greatest of all money grubbers stood tall in Times Square today, and it was none other than Spider-Man.

So I’m approaching Spidey, and I’m just assuming it’s some kind of big promotion. There’s always some weird shit like that going on. The closer I get, the more I realize that I’m looking at an outfit straight out of Ben Cooper’s trashcan. If there’s been a worse, more poorly fitting or disingenuous Spider-Man costume, it’s for certain that the Devil walks among us. Pretty soon, Spidey’s plan revealed itself: the guy was posing for pictures with tourists for tips. You had hundreds of people running across busy avenues, kids screaming, flashes flashing, the works. The costume barely covered the sweatsuit underneath, and his head peered out from the all-too-large eyeholes in ways that’d unmask any secret identity. And, for a Spider-Man, this guy was really out of shape. Despite all of this, everyone was completely infatuated.

Using a milkcrate to collect his donations, Spider-Man was admittedly a crowd-pleaser. If someone wanted a superhero pose, they got one. If somebody wanted Spidey to dance with them, passing cars were treated with a sight only slightly less surreal than watching goats fuck dolphins. The best part? As people walked by, Spider-Man would frequently yell out, “see the movie!” You’ve gotta admire the guy’s determination to seem affiliated. To put how unreal this was into perspective, there was a guy literally thirty feet away strumming a guitar wearing nothing but white underwear reading “NAKED COWBOY” over the ass, and not a single person was paying attention to him. It was all about the mysterious ghetto Spidey.

Posted by Matt. E-mail me!

Discussion Thread: 131 comments

Damn guy stole all the attention from me…

Ghosted by Naked Cowboy @ 07/19/2004 10:03 PM EDT

More, indeilable proof that no one can resist a costumed character, no matter how lame they may be.

Ghosted by Freezair @ 07/19/2004 10:06 PM EDT

Little Kid: What’s that Spidey? (Pointing to his crotch)
Spidey: Uhh…web fluid stains.

Sorry about the innuendo. But seriously, did this guy have anything particularly nasty about him? Did he smell bad or have any unusual stains or whatever? I would imagine a guy like this would, but I need confirmation from you Matt.

Ghosted by Nate @ 07/19/2004 10:15 PM EDT

Further Note:Let’s rename the kid "Jimmy" and insert a "," before the word "Spidey."

Ghosted by Nate @ 07/19/2004 10:18 PM EDT

I should probably mention that I don’t mean any disrespect for the guy. I would definitely give him more than the change in my pocket for the very fact that he’s paying a tribute to my favorite superhero.

Ghosted by Nate @ 07/19/2004 10:24 PM EDT

Man, NY gets all the good bums. The one I passed today in FL had a sign that said "Hungy Vet." Yup, that’s how he spelled it. Hungy. Guess that says something slightly different about him…

Ghosted by Kidd Video @ 07/19/2004 10:25 PM EDT

Kidd Video-LOL. That’s how one of my cousins used to say it when she was like, two.

Ghosted by Nate @ 07/19/2004 10:26 PM EDT

I’m not much of a follower of the comic books, did Peter and Mary Jane have kids, that would strain anyones wallet…maybe Spideys got bills we don’t even know about(er, web fluid stain dry cleaning bills).
Even if they didn’t have kids maybe Peter and MJ are getting a divorce…Spiderman, from what I’ve heard it’s cheaper to keep her.

Ghosted by whitemale_98/competent soldier @ 07/19/2004 10:40 PM EDT

http://www.nakedcowboy.com
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0961445/

Ghosted by ME @ 07/19/2004 10:44 PM EDT

By the way, has anyone stopped to consider the very real possibility that that is Michael Jackson under that costume…

(Anyone else see the VH1 commercial for the Michael Jackson movie? I won’t be able to sleep for a month…)

Ghosted by whitemale_98/competent soldier @ 07/19/2004 10:47 PM EDT

I find it particularly amusing that his costume is so shoddy XD
1)His mask doesn’t even fit on that well, and, you can see his neck
2)His boots are a bit akward looking
3)His ants are quite a bit baggy and almost looks like sweat pants
4)And, god, I have to love that shirt

Street-bum-spidey, you are now my hero.

Ghosted by Teh Bret @ 07/19/2004 10:58 PM EDT

I can’t say no to a costumed character, but I probaly would to this one.

Ghosted by pikachulover @ 07/19/2004 11:00 PM EDT

Cute! Anyway, Matt, now that you work there, Do you have any shows on Nickelodeon that you just loathe entirely and in general think just plain suck @^%*&^*. Mine are CHalkzone, the new epicodes of RUgrats (Seriously, kimi turned the babies brains into shit with her prescence and destroyed the shows charm by making it into just another baby show by making all the babies idiots) and anything on Nick Jr. Everyone else is open to this topic as well, so feel free to answer in

Ghosted by TOM @ 07/19/2004 11:32 PM EDT

To be quite honest with you, I hate everything about how Nick currently is. I miss the days when they aired shows like "Double Dare", "You Can’t Do That on Television", "Turkey TV", and so on, along with interesting cartoons like "The Mysterious Cities of Gold" and "Spartakus and the Sun Beneath the Sea".

Ghosted by Nate @ 07/19/2004 11:39 PM EDT

Although that’s not to say that I wouldn’t want a job working for them. Any writing job of this magnitude, regard less of how much the company may suck, has got to rule.

Ghosted by Nate @ 07/19/2004 11:40 PM EDT

Oh and also, whitemale_98/competent soldier, THat guy was not Michael Jackson(AKA Freakazoid) . ANyone could tell that that guy had a fully formed face (With a nose)!

Ghosted by TOM @ 07/19/2004 11:41 PM EDT

NATE! I LIKE NICK SO DON"T BADMOUTH THEM! Ofcourse, I never saw any of those 80s cartoons (considering I was born in 1992). Yep, I am a 90s kid on an 80’s website
PS Sorry for allo my rambling and friggin’ annoying posts. I have a mental and social dissability called Asspergers syndrome (Pronounced Ass-Burgers). Don’t call me retarded or make any jokes involving the words Ass or Burgers

Ghosted by A very outraged TOM @ 07/19/2004 11:47 PM EDT

TOM-Hey Ass Burger (sorry, I just couldn’t resist), chill out bro. It’s okay if you like it, it’s just that I don’t. And I won’t ccall you retarded. Besides, it seems like everybody today has some sort of disability. As for me, I have ADD. I love talking to myself (I’m doing it right now), and I space out quite frquently. Of course, there has been my past with drugs (something I’ve overcome), but I’ve always had problems paying attention in class and when people are talking to me (although it’s gotten better, as I have learned to fight it). So don’t worry, man.

Ghosted by Nate @ 07/19/2004 11:57 PM EDT

Actually WM_98/CS I would figure that MJ was the primary breadwinner of the peter MJ duo. I mean she was a famous model, and he spent most of his time saving people for free.

Ghosted by Jonas @ 07/19/2004 11:59 PM EDT

Y’know, McDonald’s burgers really do smell like ass. They taste like it too. Wait a minute. How would I know that?

Ghosted by Nate @ 07/19/2004 11:59 PM EDT

LMAO, I LOVE Spider-bum!

Reminds me of "Old Cross-back". He’s a nutcase at Ocean City MD that has an eyepatch, and a sandwich bag on his foot, he’s always dragging around a big cross on wheels on his back.
He’s cool!

Ghosted by Tetsu Deinonychus @ 07/20/2004 12:31 PM EDT

That rocks. Ah, to be in NY…

LBD "Nytetrayn"

Ghosted by LBD "Nytetrayn" @ 07/20/2004 12:53 PM EDT

Nick’s always been allright with me. Although I somehow completely missed out on that Spartikus show (The original title being Le Monde Engloutis, I think that’s how it’s spelled). Encyclopedia Obscura got me interested in it.

I, too have Asperger’s. But I still have no clue what that means, other than I have autistic tendencies (I tend to rock back and forth and not even notice it). I don’t think it’s ever gotten in my way. Well, it does once people who are intolerant towards people with any disability know I have it, but that’s a different story.

Ghosted by Teirusu @ 07/20/2004 12:54 PM EDT

He’s cool for a bum. I want bums dressed up like spiderman around here, here they just push around their shopping carts and scare the shit out of me when they jump in the dumpster behind the grocery store I work at. He may be a bum, but he’s a creative one in a crappy costume! Yay for spidey bum!

Ghosted by sailor moon @ 07/20/2004 12:57 PM EDT

I always thought it was spelled Aspergers. You probably wouldn’t feel as self-conscious if you spelled it that way.

Ghosted by TB @ 07/20/2004 1:00 AM EDT

Duh Mickey D’s burgers suck. If you want good burgers, go to burger king. Also Nate, I also talk to myself and space out sometimes. I even sometimes get so distracted with someting, I can’t hear any outside voices.
ps. WHo would win in a battle of the Mascots: Spyro, Banjo ((and kazooie, Crash Bandicoot?

Ghosted by TOM @ 07/20/2004 1:07 AM EDT

There is a pretty horrible spider-man costume here, as well, from the Turkish Spider-man vs. Captain America movie

http://i-mockery.com/minimocks/3devadam/default.asp

Ghosted by FuzzyHulk @ 07/20/2004 1:21 AM EDT

Matt-I cannot believe that you are no longer letting people post on archived blog entries. Now I can’t post anything on the photog entry anymore. That is so Bitner!

Just kidding. I completely understand. It was probably taking up too much webspace and perhaps even bandwidth (I need to learn more about webmaster if I plan on doing such a thing), which you need for more articles.

Ghosted by Nate @ 07/20/2004 1:29 AM EDT

TOM-No. BK sucks too. If you want a real burger, go to a restaurant. But now that I think of it, if I were in a restaurant, the last thing I would want to order is a burger as there are most likely many far more tasty items on the menu.

WARNING: BORING STORY PART AHEAD!!!

This reminds me of an anecdote my dad, uncle, and grandparents told me. Apparently when my uncle and dad were kids, whenever they went out to a restaurant, my grandma would always order for my uncle. One day my uncle started crying after my grandma ordered for him. Adter asking him why he was crying he said, "I wanted to order." My grandma went ahead and said "Alright. Go ahead and order." And then my uncle got this looked at the waitress and said ever so proudly "A HAAAMMMBUUURRRGERRR!" with a big smile on his face. From that day forward until he was a little more grown up, he always ordered a hamburger.

Ghosted by Nate @ 07/20/2004 1:35 AM EDT

Tron Tron Tron Tron Tron Tron

Hooray for these words written by matt!

Nate that was an awesome story! except fpr the thaipose. HA HA!

Spidey-bum
Spidey-bum
He does whatever he can for money

Ghosted by dfhjdjh @ 07/20/2004 1:47 AM EDT

Everyone has probably already seen it already, but just in case you haven’t…

Lego Spider-man!
http://playlist.yahoo.com/makeplaylist.dll?id=1277881&sdm=web&qtw=480&qth=300

Ghosted by Marchant @ 07/20/2004 1:53 AM EDT

"Spider-Bum, Spider-Bum
From the pavement he gets his gum
Embrasses himself, for some fries
And in the night, eats the flies
Look out!
Here comes a Spider-Bum

Does he smell?
Listen kid
He’s got essence of pure shit
Does he pee in his sweats
Take a look at his pants
Hey there
There goes a Spider-Bum

In the chill of night
At the location of his home
There is a big assed box
With which he fights off the cold

Spider-Bum, Spider-Bum
Creepy neighborhood Spider-Bum
Wealth and fame
Is what he wants
But what he gets
Is lots of phot shots

To him, life is a great big trip up
And his mask often likes to slip up
And his name is a Spider-Bum!"

Ghosted by Nate @ 07/20/2004 2:12 AM EDT

Nickelodeon was good back in the day, but there are few shows left that I can watch without imploding into an unending vortex of horror. However, Spongebob is awesome, and, until they took it off the air, Invader Zim was one of the best shows ever.

Ghosted by eyebrowsoffire @ 07/20/2004 2:23 AM EDT

you’re lucky that you didn’t get beat up by superman.

Ghosted by urquidez @ 07/20/2004 3:17 AM EDT

I wanna live in New York…

Ghosted by Brad @ 07/20/2004 4:02 AM EDT

Hey guys,

About halfway through reading this article I got a mental picture of a whole rag tag group of creepy cheesy deranged super heros begging for cash roaming the streets. Just picture a hunched over old Flash with a limp, coughing from some lung ailment and scratching near his navel through a convenient hole in is suit. Or a silver surfer complete with tarnished silver suit, painted black rubber boots with an old surf board with a shark bite out of the side of it. Luckily, where I am from they shoo this losers off the street pretty quickly. Unfortunately god knows where they go, for all I know the get dropped off at the next corner for a little more superhero mayhem!!!

Ghosted by Mooseknuckle @ 07/20/2004 7:12 AM EDT

I bet under that mask was Nathan Bitner

Ghosted by Mr King @ 07/20/2004 7:59 AM EDT

Eh, I’d hang out with Street Spidey way before "Naked" "Cowboy" creep. That guy needs to stop showing up on my TV with his creepy-ass grimace and Axl Rose hair. Come to think of it, how do we know that the Naked Cowboy isn’t Michale Jackson under all that "Naked" "Cowboy?"

Ghosted by Molten @ 07/20/2004 8:04 AM EDT

We have a similar guy, but he dresses up as the Riddler. It doesn’t go over quite as well. Maybe when the new Riddler movie comes out he will have more luck. Until then, he just seems kinda scary.

Ghosted by Stilewalker @ 07/20/2004 8:19 AM EDT

Everyone’s got to make an honest living.

Ghosted by pulseczar @ 07/20/2004 8:30 AM EDT

41st post. Woo hoo!

Ghosted by fraggot @ 07/20/2004 8:31 AM EDT

You know, Matt, a picture of the Naked Cowboy would have been appreciated.

Our homeless people (we can’t call them "bums" in Canada, or the PC police will get us) are nowhere near as interesting, except for one called The Shaky Lady. She was profiled in a newspaper, a seemingly frail lady who could barely walk, and shaking all the time. Turns out she was spry enough to run after the reporter to try to hit him with her cane, and the reporter got picture of where she lives, complete with leather couches and big-screen TV. She had to take her act on the road, and has been seen around the country at various national events.

I’ll take Spidey any day. At least you’d get a cool picture out of your change.

Ghosted by Yzziefrog @ 07/20/2004 8:52 AM EDT

I really have nothing to say regarding our friend Spidey, but I am outraged to see that throughtout all the Nickelodeon debates you’ve all failed to mention the channel’s most important show of all – The Ren & Stimpy Show! Muddy Mudskipper, the tooth beaver, Mr Horse, Powdered Toast Man, Log. Even satan showed up that time Ren whizzed on the Electric Fence. I don’t even know why I have a TV anymore.

Ghosted by Tougi @ 07/20/2004 9:00 AM EDT

The Naked Cowboy is one of the relatively permanent fixtures of Times Square. I’ve seen him walking around in all his naked glory in the dead of winter, and somehow he;s lost his mystique as a result of being seen so frequently. Now, Spider-Man, however, is something you don’t see every day. Especially if he happens to be of the Spider-Bum variety. He’s got the je ne sais quoi at the moment that the Naked Cowboy apparently has only for his rare and twisted groupies… Honestly, who would be a groupie for a naked cowboy???

Man, I wish I were back in the city instead of stranded in the middle of nowhere right now…

Ghosted by Pirate7L @ 07/20/2004 9:33 AM EDT

No.

Ghosted by Matt @ 07/20/2004 9:49 AM EDT

Speaking of hamburgers, the best kind are the homemade kind, like my dad makes. Even better with homemade fries.

Ghosted by Teirusu @ 07/20/2004 10:06 AM EDT

I was just having a discussion with my girlfriend about panhandlers. If they have a convincing story or really work at it, I’ll give them the cash. A down-on-his-luck Spidey? Worth a coin or two.

Down in D.C./Maryland, they don’t even care. And besides, most of the panhandlers sport nice looking backpacks, watches, etc. I even caught one of them on his cell phone (and the damn thing was exponentially better than mine!)

From my limited travels, I have to say that NYC panhandlers are a cut above the rest:
D.C.= Lethargic people with signs who walk alongside roads & probably make more than minimum wage per hour.
Seattle= Pushy, rude, and they will pickpocket.

Ghosted by Lackadaisical @ 07/20/2004 10:09 AM EDT

There was a short piece about the Naked Cowboy and other NYC street performers in a recent issue of Time Out New York. He claims to make, on average, $5/minute (yes, minute!) posing for pictures w/ tourists. $5/minute, $300/hr, $2100 day (7 hr., day, 1 hr. for lunch), $10,500/week (5 day week except for Christmas season (nipple warmers permitting)), $42,000/month, $504,000/yr. CASH MONEY!! No deductions for 401(k), SS, fed tax, state tax, god damn CITY TAX!! What the Fuck am I doing in an office buidling on sunny day in suit and tie working for corporate egomaniacs?

Ghosted by Pedro @ 07/20/2004 11:05 AM EDT

Panhandlers in New York are seeming to get more and more creative, dressing up as every favorite marvel superheroes living in New York. What next for them, dressing up as Disney’s charaters, offering to hug children with a small donation, or one of the cats from the Broadway musical, Cats.

Ghosted by Beta-Theta @ 07/20/2004 11:53 AM EDT

Waaay back in my youth, I remember bums kinda like Senor Cardgage (aka creepy comb-over Strong Bad). At least Spidey-Bum can speak actual words. Clikk th’ name.

Ghosted by kingklash @ 07/20/2004 11:56 AM EDT

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