Hello youse guys. Through working with people, in public, in someplace not my apartment, in daylight, for the first time in sixty years, I've drawn the disturbing conclusion that I just might be the most annoying person on the planet. Don't get me wrong -- everyone's super nice and it's a blessing to rejoin the world amongst such acey kinda folks, but yeah, I am fucking annoying. I knew that the biggest challenge of doing this would be socially integrating myself in there -- it's something I have zero experience in -- but I never thought I'd find out so many bad quirks about myself. Example: no matter how many times I see a person on a given day, without thinking I let loose a "Hey! How's it going?" If I see the same person two minutes later.... "Hey! How's it going?!" I also have a tendency to thank people as I pass them in the hall, for no apparent reason whatsoever. They say hello, I say thanks. So during the lunch break I'm out on the street reaffirming myself by calling anyone around who knows me better, listing the many dozen awful things I'd done in the previous hours. There's a moral to this story, folks: if you're a shut-in, fix it before it's too late. Wanna know what's in store for your future if you don't? Here it is: yesterday before leaving work, I had a five minute conversation with someone about the umbrella salesman outside the building. It's been raining here all week, so it seemed like a topical conversation choice. Thing is, when I got downstairs and headed to my bus, something hit me. I spent the entire conversation referring to the salesman as a "saleman." "The umbrella saleman."
Keeping with the spirit, today I had take notes from someone, so as they're on the way, I do the natural thing -- grab a pad and a pen. Unfortunately, I'd somehow chewed my pen down to the point where it would've been obvious that I eat pens, so I had to find a new one quick. Checked the desk drawers to see if the guy who left the company before I got here had any spares hanging around. He didn't, but he did leave a nice collection of what's shown above -- condiments of every kind. Chinese packets of Heinz ketchup, crackers, soy sauce, you name it. It's like the prop room for The Sopranos' Pine Barrens episode in there. Pens are always in short supply, but at least I'll never run out of wasabi.
Still working on the next article in bits and pieces as I have time, but I think it'll be a goody. Meantime, let's start another survey...maybe the worst one ever: You're on Amazon. You've got a hundred dollar gift certificate to blow. List the loot you'd pick. And no, I'm not looking for advice. I have no yummy certificate. I'm just curious for reasons I cannot comprehend.
Posted by Matt on 07/13/2004. E-mail me!
Chestnuts roasted by 
Well I was pretty much a social dud till about a year or two ago, im learning like im getting better at conversations but my biggest problem is that im half asleep about 90% of the time. So when someone says hey to me on the streets wheter I know em or not I just give a "Huhwha.lsjsHI!" with the goofiest look on my face.
100 bucks on amazon eh? I have no clue, I’d probably buy a buncha stuff I woulda never bought with my own money, like some more 12 inch G.I Joes or somethin.