X-Entertainment | The 4th of July Fireworks Extravaganza!

The 4th of July Fireworks Extravaganza!

I'm sure a lot of you are gone for the weekend, but for those who can hearrrr me know, X-E's celebration of Independence Day comes in the form of this pictorial guide to shitty fireworks. Well, not shitty...just cheap. Smoke bombs, snake eggs, and a whole bunch of other junk we found yesterday in a paper bag leftover from last year. I've got another article on deck, probably for Monday, earlier if I don't feel like celebrating, but I probably will, because yay tequila. If you're taking off, have a great 4th -- may it be filled with the legendary vodka-filled watermelon and much meat.

Posted by Matt on 07/02/2004. E-mail me!

Discussion Thread: 107 comments

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Ahh no just watching these things blow for me. It’s time for a time honored tradition of a fireworks war, boy I hope no one gets hurt(Actually it’s ok as long as it’s not me he he).

Chestnuts roasted by Lawn Gnome From Hell @ 07/04/2004 12:23 PM

Oh ya and I live in Illinois so fireworks are illegal, but I live about 10 miles from the Wisconsin border and there is literally a firework depot sitting on the border line. Oh ya and I love those tank things, if you get two light both and let them go at it.

Chestnuts roasted by Lawn Gnome From Hell @ 07/04/2004 12:26 PM

My friends and I used to make what we called Bundles of Joy. Basically take a whole mess of fireworks, anything you can find, stick them in a cardboard box, set the box on fire, and retreat to a safe distance. The biggest ne we ever made had about $80 worth of cheapo fireworks in it, and stuff kept going off and popping for a good half hour. Mucho el funno.

We used to also make our own smoke bombs, which is a ridiculously easy formula, though for legal purposes I won’t be sharing it here.

Chestnuts roasted by Hellpop! @ 07/04/2004 2:15 AM

Growing up in Illinois I had the same plight. All my friends would obtain contraband fireworks from Wisconsin or Indiana, but not me. All my friends had cherry bombs and bottle rockets. I was so jealous. I remember the most coveted Pyrotechnic was the M-80. It was allegedly as powerful as 1/4 stick of Dynamite. Dozens of people were killed and maimed by these every year. One year I was about ten. I found a device called The M-80 "Smoke” at the local Ben Franklin. I couldn’t believe my fortune. I had hit the jackpot in this little craft store. I would finally rule the School so to speak. I plopped down $.75 for what must have been, in my mind, some sort of shipping mistake. I envisioned the sight. The power of the elusive M-80 that explodes in a billowing cloud of smoke. It was going to be nearly lethal. I’m talking serious Shock and Awe. I got all my friends together and we strolled down the local retention pond. I was almost too scared to light the fuse. I remember getting it lit and all of us ran away as fast as we could. To our Horror all that came out of this diabolical looking red cardboard tube of destruction was a tiny puff of smoke. It wasn’t even colored. My friends and I were terrified to even walk over and inspect. You can never be sure what deadly tricks the M-80 will play on you. We concluded that this particular M-80 Smoke must have been a dud. We marched back to the store and asked for a refund or an exchange. The clerk said there were no refunds on Fire Works. "You don’t understand," We Pleaded. "All that happened was some smoke came out. This is an M-80 Smoke there was no explosion. "That’s just some name for a stupid Smoke bomb," He said. "You Can’t Buy M-80′s in Illinois its illegal." The Clerked got a great laugh out of that. He even got the old lady that worked in crafts and told her so she could laugh at us. My friends never let me hear the end of it. Oh well Here’s hopping everyone has a great 4th

Chestnuts roasted by Joe in Atx @ 07/04/2004 3:17 AM

hey anyoneknow how to make cheap shit good cause i live in cali and the fireworks out here suck balls so someone leet me know.

Chestnuts roasted by PYRO @ 07/04/2004 3:45 AM

I’m lucky, not only are fireworks legal here, but my crazy-ass neighbors down the street always have a million bottle rockets. I can watch the whole thing from my bed. Last year, one of them didn’t detonate ’till it hit the ground. It didn’t seem to phase them much, but I couldn’t see what was going on.

Here’s a fun display:
-Aim any creature-shaped firework that shoots sparks from its mouth at a discharged Friendship Pagoda.
-Aim tanks at the creature.
-Let the battle for the pagoda begin! *tank charges at the frog* "No! Don’t be a hero!"

Chestnuts roasted by RewolfJ @ 07/04/2004 6:11 AM

Heh, I already knew most of this, but you forgot one cheap and legal firecracker, though it may not be common anywhere but the west coast and NY NY.

Red Snappers, or Chinese Dozens, the name depends upon the region. It’s the red length of firecracker that is traditionally set off at New Years. It makes one helluv a racket, but it’s as legal as Ground Blossoms and sparklers! ^.^

Chestnuts roasted by Tachikoma @ 07/04/2004 6:15 AM

matt, how U? so happy 4th, me and cheryl got some low end stuff, i’ll give you notes in a couple days, happy 4th of july People!!!! woooo
hoo

Chestnuts roasted by obelisk @ 07/04/2004 6:22 AM

Man, this article takes me back. Never went to a “real firework show” until I was an adult.

The coolest thing about the ground bloom flowers was letting them off on a dock at a lake, once the flower was spinning it didn’t matter that it was under water. You would see bubbles of smoke coming from it.

As for the bumblebees, we would set as many as possible so the wicks were touching and light them off at the same time – it actually turned the whole mess into killer bees. Those things flying in every direction and almost hitting us was the best part of the fourth.

Finally, there is the fun with Snap-its, or whatever the particular name brand is. In the 80s in Washington, you could get those all year round. We would snap them in between our fingers, or create “Super Snap-its” by combining the pepper-looking substance from a lot of them into a single wrapper.

Chestnuts roasted by beatnikmao @ 07/04/2004 7:23 AM

Hey Matt!
I grew up where fireworks were legal. Early in June, the tents would be raised and soon, we’d have have the gunpowder smell in our noses.(The smoke from those Cobra snakes really sucked bad.) I miss those days!

Chestnuts roasted by Andy @ 07/04/2004 7:52 AM

wow, a page that has near everything that explodes…couldnt find the boeing section or the stupid tall building section though…

Chestnuts roasted by whoaw @ 07/04/2004 8:02 AM

Drinking and pyromania… it’s the American way.

Chestnuts roasted by Hope @ 07/04/2004 8:32 AM

damn i love tequila…what kind do you drink matt…hopefully not that cheap crap jose cuervo…me i like cabo wabo reposado, and patron silver and reposado…doesnt get any better than that.

Chestnuts roasted by five-oh @ 07/04/2004 9:23 AM

We had a couple of guys who lived down the street from us, kniwn locally as The Graverobbing Brothers (I don’t know the story behind that nickname, although I kind of wish I did). They used to get one of those big handled pots that you steam clams in, and stick a few M-80s under there, light it and run for cover. The highest the pot ever went was up onto the second story roof, where it proceeded to roll down in a clattering Tumble of Death.
Those crazy Graverobbing brothers.

Also, once my dad had some Roman Candles (they’re illegal in CT, but a quick jaunt up to NH and you can hook up). He set one up, and as it began shooting it’s colorful balls of light, the wind knocked it over, and shiny, happy orbs became Spheres of Blinding Death. Hurtling green and white swamp gas randomly throughout the yard, the tube would pop over into a new direction after every ejection. Luckily, my dad has a big, open backyard, so nothing was damaged (well, except maybe his pride), but it gives us a good story to tell every year at his Fourth of July picnic.

Chestnuts roasted by trajeal @ 07/04/2004 9:35 AM

Tried postin’ yesterday, but something kept me from being able to do so. . .anyhow, I’ve been getting as fat and as drunk as I can for the past two days and blowing up a ton of fireworks. Luckily my uncle works for a police dept – you can only imagine the numerous amounts of fireworks he gets from confiscations!

~You see what we have to work with here?!

Chestnuts roasted by Bang-Droppin' Mugzy. . . @ 07/04/2004 10:41 AM

I have about 800 dollars worth of firework here in Florida, I am going to pissed off everyone in this shitty little town. Screw smoke bombs I got freaking shells boxs of them. I like ground blooms, their best when you a army man in fron of them light the fuse and wait for the carnage to come. flaming balls being shot in the sky and no pissed wife in sight god bless america

Chestnuts roasted by Daniel @ 07/04/2004 12:25 PM

sorry about the typos I am so freaking excited about the shear about of noise I will inflict upon the quiet citizens and crackheads of this towns. A crackhed freaking out and screaming the devil is after him as a result of the fireworks is worth 400 points.

Chestnuts roasted by Daniel @ 07/04/2004 12:38 PM

amount of noise I mean goddamn typos.

Chestnuts roasted by Daniel @ 07/04/2004 12:39 PM

I never liked lighting firecrackers….I was always afraid my hand would blow off, but remember those Mini Bombs from years ago? They used to come with the cards like "Bat Warfare" and "Mutant Worms"….and you’d throw them on the ground and they’d make a noise? Ah yes, noisemakers for us scared kids.

Chestnuts roasted by Pete @ 07/04/2004 1:05 PM

Great fireworks article, Matt, laughed my ass off. You have captured perfectly the proper "fireworks mindset." Recalls my high school days back in the 60s, when you could mail-order genuine M80/Silver Salute/cherry bomb casings, waterproof fuse (110 feet for a buck!) and the chemicals to make the flash powder, right from the ads in the back pages of Popular Science magazine. Even now, at the doddering age of 52, I can’t spend more than 30 seconds inside a fireworks store without having to suppress a big grin.

Chestnuts roasted by Miguelito @ 07/04/2004 2:06 PM

Matt, please at least make a gif of your younger self appearing from within a smoke bomb. I always wanted to do the same thing for my videos, but the only time I could get the smoke bombs was at the St. Patrick’s Day Parade here in Boston. If the state troopers didn’t watch the New Hampshire border fireworks stores for Massachusetts plates this time of year I would run up to get some goodies today.

Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 07/04/2004 2:09 PM

Oh my god. The Black Cobra’s look like black, coaly, pieces of shit. I would have nailed a friend in the forehead with those poppers. Exploding Snaps. Hmmm.

Chestnuts roasted by Mikayla @ 07/04/2004 3:05 PM

My town had their "Honor America Day" last night at the park. When it came time for the event-ending display, I was right across the river (small river) from the launching area. Suckers were TH-BOOMing right over my head. In the event of a firework war, always have a Saturn Missle Battery handy. The big 30-plus launcher, if you can find one. I’ve never know a time when one didn’t clear the area in record time.

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 07/04/2004 3:14 PM

WHOOOOSSSHH! KA-BOOOMM!

click me

Chestnuts roasted by Light kingklash, then get away. @ 07/04/2004 3:21 PM

In Ohio it’s legal to sell fireworks, but not to set them off. How screwed up is that? Anyway you go to the store and get your fireworks then sign a paper saying you won’t set them off in Ohio and you are taking them out of state to some addres you could just make up on the spot.(I did not do that, but it is probable that someone could)

Chestnuts roasted by candybar @ 07/04/2004 3:35 PM

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