I'm sure a lot of you are gone for the weekend, but for those who can hearrrr me know, X-E's celebration of Independence Day comes in the form of this pictorial guide to shitty fireworks. Well, not shitty...just cheap. Smoke bombs, snake eggs, and a whole bunch of other junk we found yesterday in a paper bag leftover from last year. I've got another article on deck, probably for Monday, earlier if I don't feel like celebrating, but I probably will, because yay tequila. If you're taking off, have a great 4th -- may it be filled with the legendary vodka-filled watermelon and much meat.
Posted by Matt on 07/02/2004. E-mail me!
Chestnuts roasted by 
The 4th of july for my group of friends is that special time in the year when we can mame each other guilt free. Nothing is off limits when the sparks fly be it face,groin, hair, gas tank or clothing. We don’t use no pussy snap and pops though we use the good stuff. We find roman candles to be the most accurate at direct hits but the bottle rocket should not be under estimated when in the hands of a professional. Saturn rockets although less harmful than good ol’ roman candles are the scariest sounding and fastest shooting fireworks ranging from 24 to 64 shots. The saturns will clear the battle feild quickly and hilariously. Next would be the spark shooting happiness fireworks we like to use as hand grenades. They are also the most dangerous burning at thousands of degrees and ending in a dazzling burn. But the grand daddy of murder fireworks would have to be the festival ball. This bad boy is meant to be shot out of a mortar to heights of hundreds of feet ending in a very large explosion. We find them much more fun to throw at each other. just lob one in any direction and hope to god it doesn’t hit you. the festival ball expolsion can reach up to a twenty foot diameter or death. This year we each spent a good 200 dollars a peice on fireworks. The good stuff isn’t the most expensive either around here you can get a 6 pack of roman candles for 1.75 and 144 bottle rockets for the same. Festival balls will range from 1.00 a peice for the single shot to 3.00 a peice for the triple shot. To make it even more fun this year i bought 50 dollars of rubbing alchohol and filled my super soaker 2000 with it. It shouldn’t be so easy to make a steady 20 FOOT FLAME. Unlike gasoline rubbing alcohol does not explode and burns at a lower temperature so it’s less emergency room fun and more HOLY SHIT! YOU JUST SHOT A 20 FOOT STREAM OF FIRE kind. On my first try i accidentally caught my best friends shirt on fire while standing the twenty feet away. Luckily since it’s only rubbing alcohol he mearly patted it out and it did not even leave a mark on his shirt and no burns whatsoever, God bless rubbing alcohol. Better yet was when i made a flaming stream on the grass and the slid down a trail of fire as though Marty McFly.Let me get even more off subject by saying that rubbing alcohol is the greatest invention known to man. It’s 50 cents a bottle a dollar at most and you can have hours of fun with it! Anyway i guess my ramblings all lead up to the point that if you can’t attain fireworks where you live get the God blessed life blood of America rubbing alcohol and go nuts.