The NOT! Dice Game hit store shelves in 1992 and quickly cornered an untapped market of "Wayne's World" obsessed Yahtzee enthusiasts. In that statement alone we learn why only four copies of the game were ever produced, two of which given to the guy who came up with the Noah's Arcade jingle. Not to be confused with something anyone would want to play, the box jokingly refers to it as the "worst dice game ever." Perhaps I've played worse, but such experiences were still better occasions: I didn't have to waltz into a crowded living room holding a box with a big picture of Garth Algar on it.

"Wayne's World" merchandise certainly wasn't a booming industry. Save for the occasional video game and a few whimsical beach towels won from radio contests, there wasn't much. While time has softened the punch of the film, it's still a great, funny achievement with a talented cast and a script that wasn't written over lunch at Koko's Meathouse. I doubt this translated to many fans willing to buy dice games based on the movie, but Mattel knew how to avoid any big losses: it's a cheap piece of crap, involving about forty cents worth of raw materials and creating a field of competitive energy similar to that of "who gets to pour their soda first today?" By no means is this dice game party time excellent.

Awesome Ingredients: 20 six-sided theme dice, 4 dice cups, 4 cardboard shields, 1 scorecard pad, 1 love.

Had they included small plastic player pieces shaped like Rob Lowe and that guy who sent Zeus after Hulk Hogan, I might forgive the fact that everything else inside the box sucks. Though the instruction booklet spends 4,000 words explaining the rules, I think I can do it in 13: roll dice, keep shouting "schwing" until another player remembers where they put Scrabble. For those seeking more of an expertise in the official "Wayne's World" NOT!!!! Dice Game, here's a crash course...

The directions are beyond my brainpower. Don't write this off as mere laziness on my part -- I read them, I reread them, I asked others to read them. We understood the basics of the game, but beyond that it's all a really hip version of Greek. Best as I can tell, each player rolls the dice (shielding their rolls from the other players) after announcing what they think they'll get, and it's up to everyone else to shout "NOT!" if they believe they're being lied to. It's important to say "NOT!" and not just call the rolling player a liar, because swear to God, the instructions demand a 1-point penalty if the word "liar" is used.

Of course, it wouldn't be very Wayneish if we used any regular old dice. No sir, each side of the plastic cubes included here depict some classic Wayne's World bit, ranging from "Dream Sequence" to "Extreme Close Up," not to mention the ever popular "Schwing," and yes, even "Hurl." The cardboard shields helpfully identify the ridiculous icons used to denote each term -- "Schwing," for example, is represented on the dice with a small drawing of Wayne and Garth's crotches. It's little touches like these that make the NOT!!! Dice Game such an unparalleled success.

To make the game seem more involved, Mattel whipped up a few "optional rules" for more intense game play, including:

A) Players may not leave the table unless they say "I am not worthy to play this round."
B) Never use the word "bogus." (penalty, 1 point)
C) The winner of the last round must be referred to as: "O' gifted one."

So, not only are we rolling hollow plastic dice with crudely drawn stickers of Wayne Campbell's head on the sides, but we've gotta say a whole bunch of stupid shit to boot. I'm not the biggest backgammon fan around, but at least nobody makes me perform dated Dana Carvey impressions before flicking a puck.

I gave the game a whirl with some of my more charitable friends the other night, and despite our lacking understanding of the rules, at least the scorecard looked right. After they left, I climbed into bed and fantasized about Mrs. Vanderhoff and Wayne's second cameraman pulling mussels from a shell and eating crullers from the same fork. All in all, a lousy freakin Friday.