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X-E meets the World’s Smallest Woman at the Carnival!

You won't believe your eyes in the two-page spectacular, X-E Visits The Carnival. Once a year, my local mall's parking lot is converted into one of the most makeshift amusement parks a person could see, featuring everything from broken rides to shitty prizes, but above all else...THE WORLD'S SMALLEST WOMAN. There's a lot to see in this incredible tale of goldfish-winning and Spidey-hunting, so grab yourself ten gallons of life-giving liquid and prepare for a trip down one of the strangest lanes yet to be featured on the site.

Posted by Matt on 06/14/2004. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 167 comments

Every so often, Little Brother and I mess around with an idea about opening a cafe that only serves carnival food. Corn dogs, gyros, indian tacos, and fried cheese for the main items. Fried Twinkies, cotton candy, Sno-cones, and the like for dessert. Skee-Ball, Ring-The Bell, and Clown Town along one wall. Mainly, we just work on the menu. It might work, but we’ll never know.

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 06/15/2004 12:03 PM

The carnival painting on the side of the funhouse/hall of mirrors(?)is like a bad Robert Williams painting. Did sommeone else already mention this? I did not have time to read all the posts….!
Blessed thee is thy carnival midway trash.

Chestnuts roasted by Chris @ 06/15/2004 12:19 PM

In West Virginia, we have a huge coal company that will have a carnival come in and do stuff in our city. Sounds about like yours, but our games were play until you won. I got one of those knock-off Spidermans for FREE! It only lasted awhile though. It just deflated one day. Oh, well. We had a few different games, though, like human fooseball. I waited in line for 15 minutes for it and saw one id leave with a broken/dislocated finger and one kid with a bloody nose. I still did it, though and it’s the best time I’ll ever have strapped to a pole!

Chestnuts roasted by Justin @ 06/15/2004 12:42 PM

That makes me wanna go to a carnival. I remember going to the state fair and they wouldn’t let me in the Indiana Jones thing because of my leg even though I had already been in it about 30 times at other places, bastards. Speaking of that thing… you would think they’d paint it to look like something a little more modern. Do kids old enough to go on it now even know who about Indy? Keep up the reality articles, they’re almost my favorite type here (#1 is food/toy reviews, oh yea!).

Chestnuts roasted by Trampus @ 06/15/2004 12:55 PM

I don’t like carnivals one bit, and the small lady creeps me the fuck out. Like a animal in a cage or some shit. no fucking way no no no no no i hate that carnival. not a fun read. no no no.

Chestnuts roasted by no no no no no no and no no no @ 06/15/2004 1:01 PM

Goldfish are the most delicious of carnival foods.

Chestnuts roasted by fghsh @ 06/15/2004 1:40 PM

sad and creepy as hell. (much worse than the "roadside zoo" article…) awesome job.

haven’t been to a carnival in years. they can be truly terrifying places.

those carnies can be crazy, trying to get you to play their games. i remember walking with my sister through one place (was it rye playland?) — i was probably 12 or 13, my sister was 16 or 17. this carnie hollers out to us, "hey, chink, win your girlfriend a prize…!" we’re about to pass him and he throws a dart toward my feet!

my (idiot) sister says, "you should give that back to him…"

as soon as i get close enough, the fucker forcefully grabs my arm and pulls me closer and starts insisting i play a game!

i ran like the friggin wind…

Chestnuts roasted by M. Alice @ 06/15/2004 1:48 PM

Poor Gloria. When they close up and move on, I wonder where she sits? in a truck, in a bus? I hope they don’t just hook that house onto a hitch and drive.

Do carnies get to leave the premises for their days off? if so you could see and meet Gloria at the laundry mat, or coffeeshop or something. I feel a tv series happening.

Chestnuts roasted by Bitsy&Roary @ 06/15/2004 1:54 PM

Does the "scary old man stands tall at a balcony in the Hall of Not Mirrors" look like the Keystone "Bitter Beer Face" man. I saw him at a Catholic Festival last fall, my 3 year old daughter was on the ride that he was "running". He would smile and she would mock the bitter beer face back to him. I laughed so hard, beer came out of my nose, well not really but almost.

Chestnuts roasted by sixpointsix @ 06/15/2004 1:56 PM

I almost forgot, did Gloria ask you when the Cobra Chia Plot would be finished?

Chestnuts roasted by sixpointsix @ 06/15/2004 2:06 PM

No way, that’s why I love her.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 06/15/2004 2:07 PM

Oh I love carnivals. We get the creepy travelling ones here, usually at various locations in the city during the summer. But everyone ignores them. Know why? Because in July we get THE FREAKIN CALGARY STAMPEDE!!!! Haha damn I love the Stampede. All the rides and food places and everything come from one of those travelling carnival companies, but they only bring the best of the best. And there are beer gardens and drunken cowboys and livestock. And the Casino. And did I mention beer gardens? Every year my friends and I go carny hunting, which just means that you spend the entire day looking for the creepiest carny in the park and then tell everyone about the guy operating the zipper with the crazy eye and only two teeth.

Chestnuts roasted by Gabbylicious @ 06/15/2004 2:13 PM

Oh, I forgot to mention how funny it is to see the tourists who bought brand new authentic cowboy boots just for the Stampede and who wear them for the first time on the Stampede grounds. FYI everyone, cowboy boots need to be broken in and the first time you wear them, they’re gonna hurt especially if you walk all day and don’t stay in the beer gardens where you’re safe and drunk.

Chestnuts roasted by Gabbylicious @ 06/15/2004 2:15 PM

Matt,
Do you love your Chia pet? Is it still alive?

Chestnuts roasted by sixpointsix @ 06/15/2004 2:17 PM

And another thing, where was Gloria’s 8 year old son? Who is raising him? Carnies?

Chestnuts roasted by sixpointsix @ 06/15/2004 2:26 PM

Amazing article Matt, thanks. But…

Will you please stop teasing us!!!! Here we find the Joes, Cobras (Gremlins) and Turtles yet again, just standing there on the shelf… taunting us… tormenting us. AAAARRRGH!!!

Give us out well deserved conlusion pleeeeeeease! That chia-pet must be a right bloody mess by now right?

Chestnuts roasted by Rattus @ 06/15/2004 2:26 PM

Carnivals are creepy and I’m addicted to buying the crappy jewlery with pewter wizards and swords. That is such a 90s trend, those pewter fantasy things with those little rainbow balls…
The carnival is also a good source for pentigrams. I’ve got one. Creeps the hell out of me and everytime I touch it, something bad happens to me. The carnies cursed it with their Satan Wish!

Chestnuts roasted by AngeFaitore @ 06/15/2004 4:34 PM

i think the worst carnaval ride is the star trooper ride that was at my local carnaval (vegas)
Peace to the little lady
~Tink

Chestnuts roasted by Tink @ 06/15/2004 4:39 PM

OMG! That picture with the psychic lady has a friggin’ ghost Princess Diana!!! I shit you not! Look just next to the left shoulder of the lady in the black shirt. She’s staring at me! I’m scared, someone hold me.

By the way, the smallest horse:
horse

Chestnuts roasted by Cobra Soldier #18 @ 06/15/2004 4:56 PM

HOLA MATT
YOU SHOULD BE A DOCUMENTALIST ,THIS ARTICLE WAS VERY FUNNY LIKE THE OTHERS, BUT THIS ONE WAS MOVING, I DROP MANY TEARS FOR THE LITTLE BLACK LADY,
(TEARS IN X-E, THAT IS NEW).
YOU ARE A GREAT STORYTELLER MATT, CONGRATULATIONS.
THE CARNIVALES IN MEXICO ARE MORE BIZARRE THAN THE USA, AND WE DON`T
HAVE FREAKS SHOWS.

GRACIAS MATTEO

YOUR ONLY MEXICAN FAN

ERASMO RODRIGUEZ

Chestnuts roasted by ERASMO FROM MEXICO @ 06/15/2004 5:05 PM

Truth to tell, the only tears I found in X-E are tears of bitter resentment. Or, in the case of Photog, Bitner resentment.

Spader-Man, Spader-Man.
Does whatever James Spader can…

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 06/15/2004 5:20 PM

91 comments, and I’m the only one who comments on the use of the phrase "made my balls jiggle" in the article? That ain’t right… both the mental image that turn of phrase conjurs up, and the lack of comment. Bleh to both.

Great article, tho’.

Chestnuts roasted by The Lucky One @ 06/15/2004 5:29 PM

And the carnies thought Matt was smuggling goldfish in his pants.

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 06/15/2004 6:01 PM

Dude, my brother used to pull his pants partway down and buck his hips so you could hear his balls bounce off the bottom of his asscheeks. In public. (Ok, not sure why I brought this up, but had something to do with the ball-jiggle thing.)

Chestnuts roasted by Bobby B @ 06/15/2004 6:15 PM

Damn.

Chestnuts roasted by Nachokhaki @ 06/15/2004 6:23 PM

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This entry was posted on Monday, June 14th, 2004 at 4:39 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.