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06/14/2004: X-E meets the World’s Smallest Woman at the Carnival!

You won’t believe your eyes in the two-page spectacular, X-E Visits The Carnival. Once a year, my local mall’s parking lot is converted into one of the most makeshift amusement parks a person could see, featuring everything from broken rides to shitty prizes, but above all else…THE WORLD’S SMALLEST WOMAN. There’s a lot to see in this incredible tale of goldfish-winning and Spidey-hunting, so grab yourself ten gallons of life-giving liquid and prepare for a trip down one of the strangest lanes yet to be featured on the site.


Posted by Matt. E-mail me!

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Discussion Thread: 167 comments

God, this reminds me of the world smallest woman at our local fair a few years ago…only difference is that she was an AMPUTEE. I think I put like $10 in her tip basket because I felt so bad at her exploitation….carnie code of ethics my ass!

Ghosted by B-Dawg @ 06/14/2004 4:43 PM EDT

Holy. Shit.

Ghosted by Uhh. @ 06/14/2004 4:55 PM EDT

I haven’t read the article in full yet, but the background makes me dizzy… :)

Ghosted by Cameron @ 06/14/2004 5:06 PM EDT

That Riethoffer’s Midway site has a virtual tour, and one of the places you can see on the tour is Crystal Lil’s. Crystal Lil was the name of the mother from Geek Love (http://www.strangewords.com/archive/geek.html), that book I mentioned a few days ago here. Shoutout!

Ok, back to reading the article.

Ghosted by trajeal @ 06/14/2004 5:07 PM EDT

YES!!! NUMBER 3.

Yes, my heart does go out to the world’s smallest woman. I have to be honest, I did chuckle ever so slightly. But really, that kind of exploitation should be illegal.

If you think carnivals are bad, you should check out the county fairs here in West Virginia. 3 rides, more lousy games, and old laides entering their apple pies in competitions.

Speaking of carnies, in 2003, I went to the San Antonio rodeo with my girlfriend (now finacee). We took her little sister and brother (who has Downs’ syndrome) with us.

It had a similar pricing structure of the carnival in the article (paying extra for tickets, etc).

Anyhow, as we were walking to the different rides, shows, exhibits, etc.. the carnies kept asking me to play their stupid games. They would get right up in my face and ask me to play. They targeted me specifically. They would ask if i wanted to win a prize for my daughter (my girlfriends’ sister) or brother. If was rather irritating. After about the 10th carny asked me that, I told him to "leave me the HELL ALONE!!! I DON’T WANT TO PLAY ANY OF YOUR STUPID GAMES. I’m not gonna pay $3 to win a god-damn fish doll!!!!!" I don’t think he knew what to do. I felt very good after that outburst!

Here’s the carnival! Something we hate, yet we go to every year

Ghosted by SHANE! @ 06/14/2004 5:09 PM EDT

The worlds smallest woman looked like a Mini-Oracle. Call up Neo!

Ghosted by Sweetie @ 06/14/2004 5:13 PM EDT

That article was great Matt. Gloria, the super midget, is probably one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen…all day. Thank God you threw that limerick in there at the end. Cheered me up and I believe it cause my to fecate my scivvies! Peace!

Ghosted by Blake @ 06/14/2004 5:14 PM EDT

Awesome, awesome, article…but yeah, sideshow attractions should be outlawed.

Matt, are there any comparisons you can give to show just how small Gloria was? Because of the photo being in a custom room, she looked regular sized to me.

Ghosted by Behonkiss @ 06/14/2004 5:24 PM EDT

Check out her arms in the second pic for proof of midgetry.

Ghosted by Matt @ 06/14/2004 5:25 PM EDT

why does bootleg scooby-doo’s shirt say Bling Bling and a # symbol? what a prize.

Ghosted by bunky @ 06/14/2004 5:32 PM EDT

#11!

Even though its true that most of those fish don’t last a day, I’ve had 2 that lasted quite a while that I won at the same time. One lived to be 5 years, while the other lived to be NINE YEARS OLD until my uncle overfed it when I was on vacation ><

Ghosted by Invader Norbert @ 06/14/2004 5:40 PM EDT

Hey Matt, is that last picture your house or a booth at the amusement park? Because either way, the laziest of examinations reveals a lot of bitchin’ stuff.

Also, in the US according to the book ‘The Real History of the American Circus’ which was later made into a bunch of good documentaries by A&E, freak shows are outlawed in many, many US states and entirely banned in Canada. So unfortunately, as this carnival company travels around the country Gloria can’t work everywhere.
The only way to circumvent this law is to be a working freak; this means that you can’t just have a medical disorder and look mutated, you also have to do something amazing. So working freaks become geeks, eaters, acrobats, contortionists, etc. in order to work for a living. Most working freaks today have no overtly obvious medical conditions, but are instead body modified persons who elected this route for themselves.

Also, everybody go see Jim Rose’s Sideshow Circus if it comes to your town…the most depraved shit you’ve ever payed to see outside the average Vegas boxing match.

Ghosted by Cannibalizer @ 06/14/2004 5:52 PM EDT

Last pic is where these articles come from.

Ghosted by Matt @ 06/14/2004 5:53 PM EDT

Welcome back, my friends,
To the show that never ends.
We’re so glad you… Woah, Butthead, look! Midget Woman!

I kinda miss the sideshows. Used to have stuff like that down here during The Annual American Indian Exposition here in Anadarko. No more. Just crappy rides, crappy carnival food, crappy carnival prizes, and booths selling crappy knock-off merchandise. I always try to buy a knock-off Japanese robot or a laser pointer. C’mon down this August! I’ll be the dumpy galoot enjoying the breeze coming off the Gravitron.

Ghosted by kingklash @ 06/14/2004 6:03 PM EDT

Haven’t read it yet, but I love gyros. Didn’t know they were fair type material.

Ghosted by Piscez @ 06/14/2004 6:06 PM EDT

Very good article. Better than most of the recent ones, but then again, I’m just a sucker for the road-trip ones!

The last pic is pretty cool.

Too bad about the midget lady. You should have given her one of the small goldfishes. :)

Ghosted by Pee-Caaaaaa-JEW @ 06/14/2004 6:38 PM EDT

Oh god. That was the most disturbing and or amazing article yet. I think?
That’s one creepy, gross carnival.
I think the bling bling # bootleg Scooby say it all.

And I really love how the smallest woman’s picture’s file name is "holyshit".

Ugh. I hate carnivals so much now.

Ghosted by Denise @ 06/14/2004 6:39 PM EDT

Man oh, man… If that wasn’t the saddest little person I have ever seen. You can see the pain behind her smile tring to break through, but the thought of losing her tips keeps her forced smile going. D-pressing.
Corn dogs rule!

Ghosted by Bettie Boo @ 06/14/2004 6:43 PM EDT

Er.. trying.

Ghosted by Bettie Boo @ 06/14/2004 6:44 PM EDT

Hey! No funnel cake? That wormy looking crispy sugar coated confection has got to be one of my favorite parts of carnivals/fairs. Even without any funnel cake goodness – gotta say the cotton candy monster rocks!

And Gloria the midget – whoa. Very sad – I have no words.

Ghosted by MaryFran @ 06/14/2004 7:03 PM EDT

Really, to be totally honest here, what would Gloria do for work outside of the carnival? She’s so tiny, I bet she would have a hard time finding work (well, maybe not recently, but she looks to be about 60 or so, so when she was younger, before employers were more accomidating (I know that’s spelled wrong, sorry)). Although, she does have a satellite in there w/ her tv, so at least she can catch The Sopranos in between standing up and smiling for people.

I thought for sure that there would have been a link to the Glofish article. what w/ all of the sadistic goldfish treating that was going on. I bet their little bowls get hot under those lights, too. Sniff.

Ooh, did you notice the orb in the photo of the psychic tarot stand? Either she really is psychic, and she was calling in the spirits, or that parking lot is haunted. Or, you had a spot of water on your digi cam lens. Either way, you could sell it on Ebay.

Ghosted by trajeal @ 06/14/2004 7:06 PM EDT

Seriously Matt, we need a virtual tour of your office.

Ghosted by KMC @ 06/14/2004 7:08 PM EDT

In a weird sort of paralell-universe moment, I recently watched a History Channel program on sideshows. Back when sideshows were first tried to be outlawed, the people who stuck up for them most were–the sideshow freaks themselves! Strange, but that seems mean right there.

I have this awesome blue dragon I won at a carinval. He inexplicably has a pouch. But he’s cuddly.

Ghosted by Freezair @ 06/14/2004 7:09 PM EDT

AWESOME!!!!!!!!

Ghosted by SuperStar @ 06/14/2004 7:16 PM EDT

wow…I laughed, i cried, i saw a giant hulk that didnt look like him at all!!

HULK ANGRY! THAT NOT REAL HULKK! THAT IMPOSTER HULK! SMASH IMPOSTER BALLOOON HULK!

Ghosted by heeloyd @ 06/14/2004 7:21 PM EDT

freezair, is that dragon a DragonTale? Pardon me for knowing way too much about kid’s shows, but there’s a show on PBS about flying, marsupial dragons wearing necklaces called DragonTales. The blue one’s name is Ord.
Also, I saw that History Channel show, too. That’s what made me post about Gloria not having much choice in work earlier. It seems exploited to us, but some of them were really happy to show off their "freakishness".

I really want to know if Hall of Mirrors Fred got packed up w/ the carnival rides and shipped off to the old Ames parking lot in Albany (or wherever that Carnivale is heading next).

Ghosted by trajeal @ 06/14/2004 7:33 PM EDT

I remember going to a fair in Yonkers, NY about 4-5 years ago, which had the same World’s Smallest Woman/Horse attractions. Don’t remember for sure if it was the same woman, but I do remember that she was black.

Also that Spiderman’s cock was funny as hell.

Ghosted by Dean @ 06/14/2004 7:52 PM EDT

$6 for a ferris wheel? Holy shitaki. I wouldn’t go to a carnival unless they had the classic $20 hand stamp for unlimited rides.

There was one year where I was on a first name basis with the Tilt-a-Whirl operator. I rode that fucker 50 times, at least. My friends left me behind because of it.

Me: "One more time BAY-BAH!"
Them: "Fuck you."

Poetry.

Ghosted by Rein @ 06/14/2004 7:53 PM EDT

Carnie Folk. . .small hands, smell like cabbage! A good majority of you should know where that line comes from!

~I ain’t a New Jack, nobody gonna Wesley Snipe me, it’s less than likely!

Ghosted by Mugzy. . . @ 06/14/2004 8:20 PM EDT

Awesome article. Too bad I had to wait till I got home to post since your site banned my work IP from posting.

Anywho, the baseball-looking Madball is "Screaming Meeme" (not "Screaming Meanie" as you called him in an earlier article).

I think it is a baseball reference, but my being an absoulute sports fag and baseball being absoulutely boring to the point of unwatchability unless the company puts me up in the suite with an open cooler and hot dog warming machine, I wouldn’t know.

Ghosted by klatubaradanikto @ 06/14/2004 8:21 PM EDT

Yes gyros do have lamb meat in them, but i have a funny feeling that the canival gyros probably consisted of rat and/or dog meat and old Chinese newspapers.

And satalite or no, living in what looked to be a dilapidated reptile house must really suck. Poor Gloria.

Ghosted by Seburo @ 06/14/2004 8:24 PM EDT

Religously check for updates and I feel like i was just given the gift of a life time. Tremendous article – even better than the movie review of BasketCase the google search that started it all… sniff sniff

Ghosted by He who randomly kisses ass @ 06/14/2004 8:25 PM EDT

Well, I doubt she actually lives there. It’s probably just where she works. I’m sure she has her own trailer w/ much more comfortable living arrangements. It may be mean to gawk at her, but I seriously doubt the carnival PTB kidnapped her and forced her to perform while living in a tiny open ended crackerbox.

Ghosted by trajeal @ 06/14/2004 8:29 PM EDT

Up where I live we have a huge Fair/Carnival every year called The Sussex County Farm and Horse Show. It has the usual rides and games, but has a lot more. As the name implies it has horse shows, and boring farm crap. There are also many exhibits there and a shitload of free stuff. One year I got a free Archies ham Radio Adventure comic. The comic was one of those so bad its the funniest things ever type of book. You havne’t lived till you ahve seen midgets floating down a river on a cello. The fair also has a demolition derby every year.

Ghosted by Bright Noah @ 06/14/2004 8:31 PM EDT

Hooray for crappy prizes… (like what I’m guessing are horrendous Care Bears knock-offs in the pic before Bling-Bling Scooby) although occasionally you’ll find something legit.

I’ll never forget when my boyfriend (now husband) spent over 20 bucks at Kennywood (our local amusement park) trying to win a plush Charizard. He never did get that sucker until he shelled out ANOTHER 20 bucks for one on ebay.

Note: he *wasn’t* trying to win it for me. :)

Ghosted by Team Rocket Rose @ 06/14/2004 8:55 PM EDT

a really well written atricle matt :o ) the worlds smallest lady was heartbreaking- does she actually live in that little room?

carnies give me the creeps. i think i have said this before but in Australia we have the royal show but it is of better quality- although a ride crashed a couple of years ago but no-one was killed luckily.

you know the medium sized spongbob plush toy, well the last time we went to the show my nephew spotted one as a prize for a game that cost about AUS$3 to play. the ones where you throw the bouncy ball in the bucket but it is difficult because of the way the bucket is tilting. so we spent, like AUS$9 trying to get it but then we didnt and he ended up crying. so we gave the carnies a look like "look at what you’ve done!". later we bought the spongebob at another stand for AUS$12. and thats my story.

oh, end they had all types of blow up cartoon characters as well…

Ghosted by Rachel Cakes @ 06/14/2004 8:56 PM EDT

That is the most depressing thing i have evr seen i think the Spider-Man blow up was bigger then her.

Ghosted by cat @ 06/14/2004 9:06 PM EDT

Another article that reminds me why I’ll always consider X-E the #1.

Ghosted by Vin @ 06/14/2004 9:12 PM EDT

You’re so funny Matt. I really like your passive agressive nature and sarcastic humor. It rocks my sox.

Your limerick was inspiring too. *laughs*

Ghosted by Camila @ 06/14/2004 9:30 PM EDT

Hey Matt,

How about the kick-ass carnival art they used to paint on all the "Flying Bobs" rides (you have one in your article) that always had the 1970’s ski scenes on them? I miss those things.

Ghosted by Matt @ 06/14/2004 9:36 PM EDT

Unless county fairs and carnivals are the same thing, I’ve never been to a carnival. I go to my local fair though a lot of summers, but I never ride the rides. The people that put them up look too much like Cletus from The Simpsons. They put the rides up in under a day, but somehow I’m not trusting them enough to expect them to know what they’re doing. I just know as soon as I hand over my money and take my seat on the ride, the whole thing will just go because of some slack jawed yokel that didn’t put it together right.

Wow that was long about carnies or whatever. Guess that was building up since last summer.

Ghosted by Stacey @ 06/14/2004 9:49 PM EDT

Most carnivals are pretty poor, but every summer I look forward to going to the New York State Fair in Syracuse. It’s a bit larger than your average carnival, and it has more rides, from Strates shows, that are usually in pretty good shape.

By the way, Matt, did that carnival have any dark rides? Most carnival dark rides aren’t very thrilling, but a lot of them, like the ones at the NYS fair, usually have cool artwork on the facade.

Ghosted by Number5 @ 06/14/2004 10:03 PM EDT

The statue of the guy in the toxic barrel was from the only moderately dark ride, but we didn’t ride it. It was set up like a movie theater coaster for "Scream 2."

Ghosted by Matt @ 06/14/2004 10:06 PM EDT

Wow…

In comparison, our local fair sucks!

http://www.parnasas.com/PopArena/Articles/fair1.html

Ghosted by Mr. Mr. Mr. @ 06/14/2004 10:09 PM EDT

Anyone in the philadelphia area ever go to the willow grove mall when they had those kick ass carnie style posters hanging from the ceiling? It’s been about a billion years since I went there, and I don’t know if they still have them or not, but…I remember being really little and thinking they were the GREATEST THINGS ever. I still do, and if they’re gone now…I’ll always wish that they had sold them all to me.

on another note, my friend rocked the coney island freak show one summer. She contorted and did the electricity show.

Ghosted by isleptfunnyhaha @ 06/14/2004 10:11 PM EDT

Hah, I went to this the other night. Dead on on all points, but you should’ve talked about the parking lot outside….home of the REAL freaks.

Ghosted by Shaolin @ 06/14/2004 10:14 PM EDT

Every year in July,my town has the National Baby Food Festival,becuase my hometown (Fremont,MI) is the home of Gerber Baby foods. It used to be called the Old-Fashioned Days,but I guess corporate interests just had to get involved. When this goes on,the whole town just turns into a madhouse,with Main Street filled with rides and game booths. There are even some rides that that been showing up since when I was younger,like a motorcyle merry-go-round with seventies-sytle colors. I try to stay out of it as much as I can since I’ve gotten older,but it’s pretty hard to do,since I have younger cousins.

Hey Matt,Spencers Gifts sell those large rubber duckys,but with a little sailor’s hat on them,since that’s where I got mine.

Ghosted by Overlord @ 06/14/2004 10:18 PM EDT

Good Stuff Matt!

I saw the exact same ‘World’s Smallest Woman’ at the Tennessee Valley Fair here in Knoxville, like 7 or 8 years ago. The same lady! I guess it’s not just a job, it’s a career. She had a smaller set up when i saw her, just a little couch, a tv, and her tip basket, but it was definitely Gloria. And i had the same reaction… I was so pumped to see her up until i did, then i just felt horrible. But, supposedly she has a son (who’s twice her size) so at least she’s getting some lovin’.

Ghosted by Scott P @ 06/14/2004 10:22 PM EDT

I’m pretty sure I’ve seen her on TV! Or at least another black woman playing the part of world’s smallest woman. The chick I saw on TV was Jamaican I believe, and took the job b\c she wasn’t healthy enough to find other work.

Ghosted by Mickey @ 06/14/2004 10:39 PM EDT

Speaking of dark rides, this site’s a nice way to kill some spare time.

http://www.laffinthedark.com/main.htm

Ghosted by Number5 @ 06/14/2004 10:47 PM EDT

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