X-Entertainment.com X-Entertainment.com A Proud UGO Affiliate
X-Entertainment loves Christmas and will not stop talking about it, ever.
« [Main Index] »

Shrek Crap: Volume V.

Shrek Crap: Volume V:
Yesss, more Shrek Crap. I apologize. I thought it was over. It's not. It'll never be over. It's like Kane and Lita. I was just sitting there minding my own business, and thar blew she did more Shrek 2 commercials. One was for Burger King, another was for some small device that crapped out edible candy hair. Finally, Dunkafuckingroos. This isn't an intro that explains much in detail, but fret none, the photos are big thunderclaps of Shrek Crap clarity....

Shown above is Burger King's contribution to the Shrek 2 hooplahrgh, a Kid's Meal with one of eight different free Shrek toys (I got a watch, shaped like Donkey's head), your choice of the usual crap food, and if so desired, a green-dyed cherry limeade Shrekky Icee monstrosity. Unbelievably enough, this is only the second official Shrek 2 slushie seen thus far -- 7-11 had theirs first. Burger King was never known for setting the trends, but that might just be the pissyface inside me talking. I still haven't forgiven them for discontinuing production on those neat paper crowns.

The slushie, whatever it's called -- it's good, but only for a few sips. Picture a half-melted green Flavor-Ice. Not too bad, but picture eating like 89 of 'em in a row. That's what we're up against. The Donkey Clock toy was certainly passable for a fast food freebie, so no complaints there.

If interested, click here for Burger King's official Shrek site. Note how they picture the Icee in the classic Icee cup. Mine didn't come in that. For this there will be trouble. The rest of the toys seem a bit cooler than the Donkclock -- there's even a Puss in Boots bobblehead. See? Burger King listens.

Next up, Dunkaroos: Shrek Edition. You know the Dunkadrill. You've probably seen some of the older commercials with an Aussie roo dunking and rooing. Chances are, you've eaten some Dunkaroos. Small crackery cookies arrive alongside a just-generous-enough helping of Don't You Dare Call It Cake Icing, and now it's Shrek's turn to feel the glories.

The cinnamon graham cookies come in assorted Shrek shapes -- his head, his initial, his girlfriend, DONKEY, and something that looks like a dragon but I can't say for sure because I still haven't seen either of his movies. The frosting is vanilla, with rainbow sprinkles. The sprinkles explain Shrek's giant smile. Shrek does love his sprinklinies.

Finally, here's something a little stranger than Shrekaroos and slushies. HAIR.

"Crazy Hair" is a new kind of candy from the Lucas Company, and though Shrek seems to be the biggest part of their global takeover, he's by no means the only recognizable character gracing the bottle tops. Basically, you pull off Shrek's torso, turn the makeshift dial on the bottom, and slowly, candy strands ooze out of several holes on top -- just like hair! It's vile tasting stuff ("Swampy Sour Green" is the flavor), but I guess I can see the attraction. Just to drive the point home that Crazy Hair is crazy, there's a big picture of an irrelevant cartoon duck plastered on the tube. Not much more to be said. It's disgusting, and it's candy.

I passed up on a can of official Shrek 2 Silly String. In retrospect, I should've bought it. Just so I could say I did. Maybe I could just lie about it.

No More Shrek.

Posted by Matt on 06/10/2004. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 81 comments

We have crowns here in Nova Scotia

Chestnuts roasted by Isca @ 06/10/2004 3:42 PM

My vote for the Lucas bird goes to the seagull… White plumage, sunglasses, candy hair, Members Only jacket… c’mon, it can only point to a seagull.

Chestnuts roasted by Nachokhaki @ 06/10/2004 3:48 PM

And Matt, what’s the expiration date on that Crazy Hair stuff? I think you should pull it back out then (or ten years from now, as is your tendency) to see how well it fares over the years… oh, and leave it in your car during the waiting period… that should make things interesting.

Chestnuts roasted by Nachokhaki @ 06/10/2004 3:52 PM

Tamarind, to my horror, is used in almost everything. Well, tamarind extract anyway.

The grocery store I go to every so often had resorted to making all of their employees wear Shrek ears (or whatever they are) for the sake of a dollar. Thankfully it’s over now, but it’s still sad to see so many people forced to sell their souls to an animated green ogre just to keep their jobs.

Chestnuts roasted by Gorex @ 06/10/2004 4:02 PM

Interestingly enough, the tube claims that the candy’s good till 2007.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 06/10/2004 4:03 PM

I have an anecdote regarding those Burger King crowns they used to distribute. I was four years old and I was a lamb in the manger’s scene at the town church (where my father had been pastoring at the time). One day, my family went to Burger King and my dad snagged a buncha those crowns, which really sparked my curiosity. What could he be using those crowns for? Anyway, the dress reheasal came around, and I noticed something about the crowns for the wisemen. They were nothing but Burger King crowns decorated with glitter and crap. Talk about a cheap church. Another funny thing was that when the curtain went down, I continued to try and look under it at the audience. As for me, I was mostly running around on the stage and out to my mother in the audience and crap, and no one seemed to even care. Hell, as the curtain was going down, I continued to try and look underneath it at the audience until I was lying on the floor of the stage. And I know what you’re thinking. Typical four-year-old, right? Wrong. I can honestly say that all the other four-year-old lambs on that stage were standing there nicely, not doing a damn thing.

The enxt time I played a lamb was when I was six at a different church. I distinctly recall getting really annoyed with this one girl who couldn’t have been more than three or four years old. All the other kids were trying to shut her up, but she kept wanting to know who was playing baby Jesus. Jesus was being played by a fucking doll. Stupid kid.

Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 06/10/2004 4:11 PM

Okay, so maybe I rambled on and on a bit there, but it’s true. I remember most of it, and my parents confirmed it and even told me about the whole cutain thing, which I did not remember.

Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 06/10/2004 4:13 PM

we still have the BK crowns here on Long Island, poor you!

Chestnuts roasted by Emily @ 06/10/2004 4:17 PM

hrm, last year when I took my date to burger king before prom, they had crowns. I’ll have to go check and see, but I would think they’re still there.

and then she wouldn’t wear one with me into prom. I was sad.

Chestnuts roasted by quentin mcalmott @ 06/10/2004 4:19 PM

Dear sweet lord when will it all end. Matt I seriously advise you to never talk about Shrek again. Its straining my relationship with your site, which I love so much. =(

Chestnuts roasted by Don't Touch, Willy. @ 06/10/2004 4:24 PM

There are still crowns at the burger king in my city. They’ve always had them. But the bad part is that we only have one burger king in the entire city. We used to have like 3 or 4 but they all went out of business.

Chestnuts roasted by redslurpee @ 06/10/2004 4:28 PM

I saw a dude wearing a paper crown just last week. They’re for adults too.

Chestnuts roasted by jkhfkjf @ 06/10/2004 4:30 PM

Quentin-Dude. You went to Burger King for your prom? Lemme guess. Your parents were too cheap to send you somewhere decent. But anyway, shame on her for not wearing a BK crown. Girls like that suck.

Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 06/10/2004 4:33 PM

Well, i tried mailing it to you, Matt, but it bounced TWICE. prolly you have a ‘shrek-related’ filter set up on your inbox. that or a latino filter. the thing is, i’m in mexico, and here the shrek crazee hasn’t hit so bad. ‘cept for movie tickets.

http://img66.photobucket.com/albums/v200/Zefiel/Photos/shrek2.jpg

Lucas’s a duck. we’ve always seem him as a duck, starting from his humble origins here, selling dusted chili as a seasoning. now he ‘s a SELLOUT. meh. even the candy hair idea he stole from another product here. back in the old time, the old product, non made by lucas, would have different characters for you to grow tamarind hair.

And tamarind grows in trees as a pod, and does help lots with constipation.

Chestnuts roasted by Zefiel @ 06/10/2004 4:41 PM

Is tamarind subjectively or objectively disgusting?

Chestnuts roasted by Nachokhaki @ 06/10/2004 5:02 PM

Hey Matt, whilst I was browsing the local KB Toys store I noticed something. It was a Hostess Treats Baking oven, so you could make like..twinkies and shit, but not real ones just those "There as close to twinkies as well let you get" kinda. Anyway Shreck shit is still going strong here, also at the KB was one of those large dancing talking figures, theyc ome in various celebs like Rocky and so on. Only it was Shrek. Blahr.

Chestnuts roasted by Mr. S @ 06/10/2004 5:02 PM

Mr. S — I actually have it, still sealed up in the box. It’s on deck for sure….you’ll see an article on it soon.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 06/10/2004 5:06 PM

Well, Nacho, it depends on whether "helps" means it relieves or causes constipation.

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 06/10/2004 6:06 PM

Sally Struthers: "Do you like colon blockage? Sure, we all do! That’s why I endorse tamarind."

Challenge: Next person you see, just say "Fart." Guaranteed it will make you smile.

Chestnuts roasted by Nachokhaki @ 06/10/2004 6:15 PM

I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!!!! MATT!!! READ THIS!!!!!

Strange but true: TV Guide is COMPLAINING about the Shrek Crap! Taken from the weekly "Cheers & Jeers" in the June 13-19 edition of TV Guide:

"JEERS to DreamWorks for trying to sqeeze too much green out of "Shrek 2." Don’t get us wrong, we liked the movie, but we could have done without the promotional tie-ins with Burger King, Pepsi, General Mills, Baskin-Robbins, Dial, M&Ms, Hewlett-Packard, Hasbro, Activision and the U.S. Postal Service. This seems like an egregious case of ogre-exposure."

Yep, you’re heard it. There is TV Guide, kicking and screaming amongst the ever growing pile of Shrek Crap. Hope you’re happy to read this turn of events, Matt.

Chestnuts roasted by NES Boy @ 06/10/2004 8:11 PM

…….

Chestnuts roasted by Graves @ 06/10/2004 8:13 PM

For god damned shuks shrek sake, matt, go see the movie.

You know you waaaannnaaaaaaaa

Chestnuts roasted by Max @ 06/10/2004 8:36 PM

nate:

actually, neither of us were really into going all that much; I was just bringing her because she was a sophomore and wanted to go to senior prom, so we decided that we didn’t need to spend 80 bucks on food.

I was surprised she didn’t wear it; she’s the type of girl who you would think would. feh. anyway, yes, that did suck. and not in the good way.

Chestnuts roasted by quentin mcalmott @ 06/10/2004 8:56 PM

Hey Matt, I was walking down the chip aisle safeway and saw these chips called pep’eronis, they claim to be made with real peperoni. I’m too scared to try them but they could make for a funny review.

Chestnuts roasted by Gnarkill @ 06/10/2004 10:02 PM

If they bring out a Shrek bottle of Pepsi that tastes like Pepsi Blue I am so there.

Here in Australia the Shrek crap is just starting its invasion. PREPARE THE DEFENCES!

*Goes back to quest for Pepsi Blue now*

Chestnuts roasted by Troy @ 06/10/2004 10:06 PM

Add A New Comment!


This entry was posted on Thursday, June 10th, 2004 at 9:16 am and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.