Shrek Crap: Volume V:
Yesss, more Shrek Crap. I apologize. I thought it was over. It's not. It'll never be over. It's like Kane and Lita. I was just sitting there minding my own business, and thar blew she did more Shrek 2 commercials. One was for Burger King, another was for some small device that crapped out edible candy hair. Finally, Dunkafuckingroos. This isn't an intro that explains much in detail, but fret none, the photos are big thunderclaps of Shrek Crap clarity....

Shown above is Burger King's contribution to the Shrek 2 hooplahrgh, a Kid's Meal with one of eight different free Shrek toys (I got a watch, shaped like Donkey's head), your choice of the usual crap food, and if so desired, a green-dyed cherry limeade Shrekky Icee monstrosity. Unbelievably enough, this is only the second official Shrek 2 slushie seen thus far -- 7-11 had theirs first. Burger King was never known for setting the trends, but that might just be the pissyface inside me talking. I still haven't forgiven them for discontinuing production on those neat paper crowns.

The slushie, whatever it's called -- it's good, but only for a few sips. Picture a half-melted green Flavor-Ice. Not too bad, but picture eating like 89 of 'em in a row. That's what we're up against. The Donkey Clock toy was certainly passable for a fast food freebie, so no complaints there.

If interested, click here for Burger King's official Shrek site. Note how they picture the Icee in the classic Icee cup. Mine didn't come in that. For this there will be trouble. The rest of the toys seem a bit cooler than the Donkclock -- there's even a Puss in Boots bobblehead. See? Burger King listens.

Next up, Dunkaroos: Shrek Edition. You know the Dunkadrill. You've probably seen some of the older commercials with an Aussie roo dunking and rooing. Chances are, you've eaten some Dunkaroos. Small crackery cookies arrive alongside a just-generous-enough helping of Don't You Dare Call It Cake Icing, and now it's Shrek's turn to feel the glories.

The cinnamon graham cookies come in assorted Shrek shapes -- his head, his initial, his girlfriend, DONKEY, and something that looks like a dragon but I can't say for sure because I still haven't seen either of his movies. The frosting is vanilla, with rainbow sprinkles. The sprinkles explain Shrek's giant smile. Shrek does love his sprinklinies.

Finally, here's something a little stranger than Shrekaroos and slushies. HAIR.

"Crazy Hair" is a new kind of candy from the Lucas Company, and though Shrek seems to be the biggest part of their global takeover, he's by no means the only recognizable character gracing the bottle tops. Basically, you pull off Shrek's torso, turn the makeshift dial on the bottom, and slowly, candy strands ooze out of several holes on top -- just like hair! It's vile tasting stuff ("Swampy Sour Green" is the flavor), but I guess I can see the attraction. Just to drive the point home that Crazy Hair is crazy, there's a big picture of an irrelevant cartoon duck plastered on the tube. Not much more to be said. It's disgusting, and it's candy.

I passed up on a can of official Shrek 2 Silly String. In retrospect, I should've bought it. Just so I could say I did. Maybe I could just lie about it.

No More Shrek.