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Shrek Crap: Volume IV!

In what for the good of mankind must be the last Shrek-related article to ever appear on this site, I present the fourth and final installment of Shrek Crap Our last look at the ogre's massive attack on everything sold everywhere includes his revamp of Milton Bradley's Operation, a wacky dress-up kit and a Play-Doh set that lets children create & mutilate Shrek's teeth just for the Hell of it. The movie's out now and doing extremely well. Is it because it's really funny or because everyone ate the green popcorn?

Posted by Matt on 05/25/2004. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 168 comments

That Shrek Play-Doh thingy looks like it could give a kid nightmares. I know i’ll proboly have some.

Chestnuts roasted by The Dragonrider @ 05/27/2004 12:33 PM

Oh, I forgot to mention. I saw Shrek himself at Borders. (book store)guy in a big, scary Shrek costume. It’s a good thing that costume covers the face because I would NOT want anyone I know to see me in that costume.

Chestnuts roasted by The Dragonrider @ 05/27/2004 12:36 PM

Aaactually, kingklash… (WARNING! WARNING! GEEK OUT MOMENT AHEAD! GEEK OUT MOMENT AHEAD!)

Space isn’t cold. It’s not "near absolute zero," as you claim. Why? Because space is pretty much empty. In order for their to be heat, their must be atoms, for heat is caused by the vibrations of atoms and molecules. However, since space is mostly empty(not a pure vacuum since that’s pretty much impossible), it cannot have any temperature at all. However, because it’s empty, the energy that makes molecules vibrate can be transfered very readily out into it, making anything that isn’t properly insulated freeze almost instantly. But space itself is not cold. Ya?

Chestnuts roasted by Freezair @ 05/27/2004 12:39 PM

To continue with Freezair’s comments, Donkey would be in a dire situation on his way to space. In order to exit Earth’s atmosphere, Donkey would have to travel through numerous layers of the atmosphere, in which he would either freeze or boil, until he reaches the thermosphere (upper portion of ionosphere) where violently vibrating ions would incinerate him instantly. It would only be Donkey’s oxidized molecular remains that would experience the Sierra-like chill of space.

Yeah, it’s kinda like that…

Chestnuts roasted by Nachokhaki @ 05/27/2004 1:53 PM

heh. And Little Brother calls me a Science Geek. One of my favorite Asimov stories is "Marooned Off Vespa" which had a great description of boiling water freezing as it left its holding tank. All things considered, I like the idea of Donkey smacking the ground like a chunk of frozen poo off a high altitude airliner. Given the apparent height of his re-entry, that’s one hell of a crater. On a side note, continuing my facetious premise, since all movement stops at Ab-Zero, something would have went poof either as a total dis-intergration, or collapse causing very dire consequences to any nearby objects. But lets leave facts at the door along with our brains. Enjoy tha’ movie.

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 05/27/2004 2:22 PM

That’s "Vesta." I have FLCL on the brain today.

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 05/27/2004 2:24 PM

I was at Shopper’s Drug Mart here in Fredericton, New Brunswick and I saw SHREK ENERGY/DIET BARS. I know when I go to the gym I think of Shrek for inspiration. I think having a big fat ogre promoting healthy diet bars kinda defeats the purpose….but still, I guess "adults" need their Shrek promotions, too!

Chestnuts roasted by Muppet Baby @ 05/27/2004 3:25 PM

all this shrek mania has gotten to my nephew. he is shrek crazy, wants everything with shrek on it. he freaks out when we go to the grocery store. hey kingklash do you understand FLCL, cause i love the cartoon but it does not make sense to me.

Chestnuts roasted by redslurpee @ 05/27/2004 6:19 PM

No more Shrek Matt. Please! Enough is enough!

Chestnuts roasted by GIllespee @ 05/27/2004 6:44 PM

Hey I already said, this was the last X-E Shrekkin.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 05/27/2004 6:46 PM

Hey, Matt, How about covering the Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban items coming to stores? I saw the coloring and poster books at Hannaford today!

Chestnuts roasted by AngeFaitore @ 05/27/2004 7:34 PM

Matt, did you ever bake those Shrek cookies? Any chance we could get an article out of it–like have Skeletor try to make Shrek cookies?

Chestnuts roasted by Luap @ 05/27/2004 10:00 PM

Luap — Gilesspe said I can’t write about Shrek no more no more.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 05/27/2004 10:02 PM

But Matt, It would be about Shrek Cookies… and Skeletor, not just Shrek. And maybe if we say pretty please… you could add in a chia pet.

Chestnuts roasted by Destro's Love Child @ 05/28/2004 12:29 PM

I can’t beleive that it’s possible to give Sponge Bob a run for his money in the Good ole US of A marketing department.

How many times have you all been haunted by those Sponge Bob boxers when you walk through wallmart. *shivers* It’s as if the eyes follow me whilst I walk.

Chestnuts roasted by Novaximus @ 05/28/2004 12:42 PM

What’s next?

Shrekus Maximus?

Shrekius Ceasar?

Shrek Dubbaya Bush?

I have sure I’ve lost my childhood somewhere in all this Shrek crap.

*Is still on quest for final store sold bottle of Pepsi Blue*

Chestnuts roasted by Troy @ 05/28/2004 9:49 AM

FLCL is about itself. Best description I read said that its’ okay if you can’t understand it by your second viewing. Or, even tenth viewing. It is supposed to be about the confusion of adolescence, but that may be a rumor.

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 05/28/2004 11:53 AM

Okay people, break out your pencils, it’s learning time!

Freezaire and Nachokhaki have some good points, but if Donkey were to survive his journey into space, he would not freeze instantly. Let’s say he stepped out of the airlock: According to movie legend, he would turn into a Donkey cube or his head would explode or some such nonsense.

If Donkey doesn’t try to hold his breath, exposure to space for half a minute or so is unlikely to produce permanent injury. Holding his breath would likely damage his lungs, something scuba divers have to watch out for when ascending, and he would have eardrum trouble if his Eustachian tubes are badly plugged up, but theory predicts — and animal experiments confirm — that otherwise, exposure to vacuum causes no immediate injury.
You do not explode. Your blood does not boil. You do not freeze. You do not instantly lose consciousness.

Various minor problems (sunburn, possibly "the bends", certainly some [mild, reversible, painless] swelling of skin and underlying tissue) start after ten seconds or so. At some point you lose consciousness from lack of oxygen. Injuries accumulate. After perhaps one or two minutes, you’re dying. The limits are not really known.

You do not explode and your blood does not boil because of the containing effect of your skin and circulatory system. You do not instantly freeze because, although the space environment is typically very cold, heat does not transfer away from a body quickly. Loss of consciousness occurs only after the body has depleted the supply of oxygen in the blood.
What Donkey does need to worry about, is putting on his Sunblock SPF 2000, because if his skin is exposed to direct sunlight without any protection from its intense ultraviolet radiation, he can get a very bad sunburn.
ANother thing Donkey will probably notice as he opens his mouth in space, is the saliva on his tongue boiling away!

Chestnuts roasted by Stilewalker @ 05/28/2004 12:13 PM

My question is how do you make non connected lines on an Etcha Sketch?

Chestnuts roasted by Stilewalker @ 05/28/2004 12:15 PM

2001: A Space Odessy is a great movie for some accurate unprotected space scenes. The airlock sequence is a favorite.

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 05/28/2004 1:04 PM

2001: A Space Odyssey is a great movie period.

Chestnuts roasted by a piece of milk @ 05/28/2004 3:35 PM

Well…..i succumbed. I saw ‘Shrek 2′ last night at the latest possible show. I got the Shrek 2 popcorn combo that came with a Shrek 2 bag of fruit snacks (must be getting rid of some of the billions of extras). It was actually pretty funny! (some nice jokes just for the adults). A little cheesy in the beginning (ok- a LOT cheesy) and an abrupt ending (its a SHORT movie- maybe not even the hour and 1/2) but stick with it and there are enough laughs for me to recommend it.

Chestnuts roasted by Muppet Baby @ 05/28/2004 3:50 PM

Well, they greenlighted two more sequels. I want a Hope and Crosby type of movie with Donkey and Puss. In Boots. What the hell, put Donkey in boots, too. Put ‘em all in boots, let God sort ‘em out.

Chestnuts roasted by kingklalsh @ 05/28/2004 4:36 PM

That was odd. Key was stuck or somesuch. Anyway, click me for Little Brother’s Blogspot thingamajigger. He likes monkeys.

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 05/28/2004 4:40 PM

I don’t mind FLCL. I’m glad it’s so short, though. Couldn’t take too much of that.
It is, however, "Vespa" with a "p."
It’s Italian for "Wasp," as the manufacturer is Italian. I’m pretty sure they call it that in the dub anyways.

Chestnuts roasted by Spike Spiegel @ 05/28/2004 6:27 PM

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