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05/17/2004: X-E goes miniature golfing!

Heyyy, we went miniature golfing. The “Safari Amusement Park,” featuring a course littered with dirt and broken animal statues, has long delighted the locals around these parts with its charming blend of pastel-colored golf balls and a mysterious “19th Hole” tucked away inside a Tiki hut. They’ve also got gas-powered bumper cars, and they’re very proud of this fact. Not the best mini golf course in the world, not the worst mini golf course in the world, but it’s the only one I’ve seen with anatomically correct lion statues. Share in the adventure.

Posted by Matt. E-mail me!

Discussion Thread: 100 comments

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great article…a little disturbing to know those kinds of places still exist(the lion).Anyway who goes there anyway?

Ghosted by Mr.Fun @ 05/19/2004 7:29 PM EDT

Hahah, I’ve been to that mini golf course. That was years ago, though. Too bad I’m still stuck in this crap-hole borough. Anyway, I can’t believe that the course hasn’t changed in forever. It’s a good thing that Matt didn’t mention that the place is a stone’s throw away from the largest garbage dump in the world. Thankfully the view is blocked by an abandoned highway overpass.

Ghosted by Joe @ 05/19/2004 7:48 PM EDT

Man, Safari Golf Rules! It is FRIGGIN WEIRD to see all these things online that I see in every-day life. Seeing the haunted house that’s down the block from my best friend’s house on dat dem dere internet – awesome! A movie at the Atrium, pizza at the place next door then Safari Golfing. A perfect date. Now if only anyone would actually go out with me. Hey Matt, hook me up w. some Island geek chicks.

Ghosted by Matt (the third) @ 05/19/2004 10:21 PM EDT

I see Jim Morrison in the window of the tiki hut.

Mini golf is fun. I keep looking for a Seven Wonders of the World course, ala Overboard. I wonder, what did they do w/ the other 11 holes, once they used up the seven wonders?

Ghosted by trajeal @ 05/19/2004 10:32 PM EDT

Oh, bettieboo beat me to it.

Ya know, I seriously thought the reason the blog blew a gasket today was b/c Matt finally put up the Chia pet article and the site had some kind of fit in joy. Oh, well.

Ghosted by trajeal @ 05/19/2004 10:35 PM EDT

Those are not the worst bumper cars ever. I went to a small park in Omaha once while visiting some family and they had the same type of cars, yet the area to drive around in was like 12 cubic feet. Pretty sad.

Ghosted by ChaosJunkie1024 @ 05/19/2004 11:22 PM EDT

I can’t shake the image of the lion’s asshole…..ugh….shiver me timbers

Ghosted by phunqsauce @ 05/20/2004 12:17 PM EDT

The first time I played miniature golf, I was five. That was also the last time. Enough said already!

Ghosted by Andrew T. @ 05/20/2004 12:29 PM EDT

I like performing a little experiment on my local mini-golf course every summer. A friend and I bring our own ball and a full bag of clubs and play from open to close, or until the (usually) lone employee gets tired of our assholery. There’s nothing better than crushing the ego of some douche trying to impress his girlfriend when I hit a chip shot in his hole from the sidewalk, while he can’t putt accurately from 2 feet away.

Ghosted by King Shazbot @ 05/20/2004 12:42 PM EDT

Minature golf courses in the southern New Jersey area range from huge, fancy "entertainment centers" complete with fake waterfalls and nicely landscaped and themed courses to cheap, family-owned variations on the place Matt visited. My favorite, though, is the one next to Rainbow Ice Cream Palace in North Cape May. It’s been around as long as the one Matt described, but it has three advantages: it’s been upgraded at least somewhat over the past few years (broken statues have been replaced or repainted, and there’s no barbed wire), it’s next to North Cape May’s only combination ice cream parlor/doughnut shop, and at least last year, it only cost two dollars a person. I take my brother there at least two or three times a summer, and we always have a great time, even though we never bother keeping score.

Ghosted by starwenn @ 05/20/2004 12:51 PM EDT

Hey, I’m behind in my reading of X-E but I wanted to share a few pictures of some Shrek crap. I have been taking them with my new camera whenever I see them in our local grocery store in Texas. It is interesting, but at one HEB nearby there is Shrek shit everywhere, but another maybe a mile away has hardly any. I think even here it may not be as intense as other places.

http://www.kitoconnell.com/Photos/0405/shrek1.jpg
http://www.kitoconnell.com/Photos/0405/shrek2.jpg
http://www.kitoconnell.com/Photos/0405/shrek3.jpg
http://www.kitoconnell.com/Photos/0405/talkingshrek.jpg

Ghosted by Kit @ 05/20/2004 2:21 AM EDT

Great article, Matt. Sad, but hilariously sad.

My favorite Mini-Golf would have to be the one in Red River, NM. Tiny place. Run down, but definately in better shape then Safari Golf. Favorite hole: A volcano that you had to have the ball go up a conveyor belt, then go down to the hole via a mystery tube. Almost impossible to get a hole in one.

We have a Putt-Putt golf and games in Lubbock, but I haven’t been in ages. Good selection of video games, though (at least, there used to be). Oh, and they have Bumper Boats there, and yes, they are awesome.

Ghosted by Cameron @ 05/20/2004 2:56 AM EDT

A Shitty Mini golf course is located at Konocti Harbor Inn, Kelseyville, CA. My wife and i went there ’cause she enjoys a good game. It was icky, like Safari Amusement "park". It was a tour de force of filth, broken down, sad, and just plain eww. Broken bottles adorned certain areas of trees near the 1st and 2nd holes, busted "features", animals, gismos and etc. Kids breaking things, kids in trees selling drugs. Having to reach my hand into puddles (oh no) to retrieve ball. Icky bad yuck…
And on the up-side, the wife and i went to Reno mother’s day weekend, a highlight being smoking cigs and drinking beer walking through a mall. the hilton is empty feeling.

Ghosted by Obelisk @ 05/20/2004 3:31 AM EDT

Great article about the mini golf course. I havent been to one in so long. The one I used to go to didnt have a lion ass hole though

Ghosted by heeloyd @ 05/20/2004 5:12 AM EDT

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&ie=ISO-8859-1&q=%22mini+golf+monthly%22

Doesn’t seem to be a "Mini Golf Monthly" but there is a "Golf Monthly".

Ghosted by gmfbrown @ 05/20/2004 9:21 AM EDT

Cool Matt, I see you’re partial to the "Fuck Shoe-Laces" type of shoes as well. They’re very convenient!

Ghosted by Cobra Soldier #18 @ 05/20/2004 10:05 AM EDT

"Plain Zero"…I read this line in my head with Arnold’s voice, and actually truly laughed out loud.

Funny stuff Matt!

Ghosted by beSharp @ 05/20/2004 10:39 AM EDT

Again…… "No! Don’t make him angry! Don’t you know who he is? He is the Great Ninja Master Tiger No Eyes!"

Ghosted by kingklash @ 05/20/2004 11:32 AM EDT

Our local mini-golf features among other awfullitudes: a giant rabbit with a butthole(indeed this seems to be a common thing), a dinosaur with a golf putter penis (which for some reason nobody noticed for a long time), and a 20 foot tall Peter Pan with low self esteem (yikes). On the other hand the owners know it is a shite factory so they’ll let cha bring beer in. By the way there is…90 minutes away in Waco,Tx…a "kiddie fun land" place with a SUPER SLIDE still in operation…and I thought those were banned 30 years ago!

Ghosted by Blah blah @ 05/20/2004 11:57 AM EDT

Blah Blah:

Having lived in Waco, TX (and living there now), I have been down that Super Slide. I was scared to death of it as a kid. I don’t think it is anymore dangerous than the rest of the usual rides/activities. "Kiddie Land" (at Lion’s Park) Is still in operation, but I think they have removed some of the rides. They do still have a ride-on train that circles the park, as well as a Mini Golf Course, Go-Carts and (I think) Bumper boats.

Ghosted by Cameron @ 05/20/2004 12:22 PM EDT

Mini-golf is the best.

Ghosted by XviviX @ 05/20/2004 12:56 PM EDT

Hey Cameron I was hoping to ride the slide this summer, hope its still there. Got my wax paper, and my burn-off spray and I’m ready to go lose some skin on 200 degree metal!

Ghosted by Blah...blah @ 05/20/2004 2:16 PM EDT

For those on the Gulf Coast, you know it’s all about Goofy Golf on the Redneck Riviera.

http://www.roadsideamerica.com/attract/FLPANgoofygolf.html

Ghosted by Nachokhaki @ 05/20/2004 2:57 PM EDT

Unfortunately for me, i don’t get to indulge myself in the filthy bliss of a rundown, grimy m.g. course. i live in the m.g. capital of the world. there are only about 773,892 m.g. courses in the 20 miles or so between my town and lake george (upstate n.y.) those of you thinking of going on a holy crusade for crusty old m.g. courses in my neck of the woods will be disappointed to find clean, maintained courses. wish i had a grimy course to call my own. bastards!

Ghosted by jcardin3 @ 05/20/2004 3:14 PM EDT

Hey Matt.. congratulations on another kick-ass article! I’m a big fan of your "adventure" pieces. I’m ready to storm Bar Harbor, Maine with you any time!

Ghosted by Brian @ 05/20/2004 3:15 PM EDT

Had kinda a long story about going to Putt-Putt in lawton, but to lazy to reconstruct it. Boiled down: Running around counting coup on each other with putters, brother-in-law obsessed with winning any game, wierd baseball/pinball thing that gives out baseball cards, and a MK machine that lokks like it was raped by the Tekken machine. That, and the fact that I am Zen Master of the One-Handed Putt.

Ghosted by kingklash @ 05/20/2004 3:35 PM EDT

have ta love the lion’s three nostrils

Ghosted by CWH @ 05/20/2004 4:08 PM EDT

That place has go karts and shit now. i havent been there in years, but the one off the ghiway, near todt hill road is much better.

Ghosted by Dan @ 05/20/2004 8:08 PM EDT

Is this the same crappy place on Arthur Kill road?

Ghosted by drdank @ 05/21/2004 3:47 PM EDT

I finally played mini golf for the first time in years about a month ago. The course wasn’t too bad though. Myrtle Beach, about an hour and a half from here, is the place for mini golf. Or as it is called down here, putt-putt. Myrtle Beach is a big golf area, with courses all over and lots and lots of mini golf. None as bad as the one Matt went to.

Ghosted by Susan @ 05/21/2004 4:38 PM EDT

My high school cafeteria still sells Flintstone push-ups. I love those things. ONly truly crazed establishments can sell those things anymore.

Ghosted by Lady Yate-xel @ 05/21/2004 9:09 PM EDT

My high school cafeteria still sells Flintstone push-ups. I love those things. ONly truly crazed establishments can sell those things anymore.

Ghosted by Lady Yate-xel @ 05/21/2004 9:09 PM EDT

Well, it may not be the West Palm Beach Country Club, but it’s the only game in town.

Anyone from NJ old enough to remember the 20ft tall fiberglass Paul Bunyan who wielded a HUMONGOUS golf club guarding the Putt-Putt on Rt 35 North in Chadwick/Ocean/Ortley Beach?

I swear-to-god he looked just like a bearded, smiling James Garner. Or maybe he looked like that guy who used to paint "happy little trees" on PBS.

I’ll bet there was no assholery(good word, King Shazbot) going on in THOSE links lest you get whacked with that nine-foot golf club by a teed-off (swear to god, no pun intended) 20 ft tall fiberglass giant.

Sadly, the jolly giant must have had a falling-out with the Putt-Putt management, because last I saw, he was employed 75 miles north, guarding a carpet retail store in Jersey City off of RT 440 by the Pulaski Skyway, sans club (did he learn Judo?).

Ghosted by ibinsomniac @ 05/22/2004 12:06 PM EDT

There’s a place to go Black Light miniature golfing in the Katy Mills mall down here in Texas. I ain’t been yet, but it seems mondo to the max.(That phrase rules)ANd the Ninja Hockey player from Running Man was named Sub-Zero I think.

Ghosted by Lonewolf @ 05/22/2004 4:32 PM EDT

that place is in staten island. im always there. the course sucks.

Ghosted by rob @ 05/24/2004 10:07 PM EDT

I’ve had many a pre-teen first date at this place. It might be a sucky minature golf course but it’s a great first step to first base.

Ghosted by Michael @ 05/25/2004 10:21 AM EDT

Cha Cha Chia!

Ghosted by sixpointsix @ 06/01/2004 10:28 AM EDT

Perhaps the bumper cars are there soley for the amusement of the feral children.

Ghosted by ibinsomniac @ 06/04/2004 9:10 PM EDT

Hey! I’ve got those same Kenneth Cole shoes!

Ghosted by Chicago Guy @ 06/09/2004 3:48 PM EDT

I thought for a second you were examining the same mini-golf course that got destroyed by Bam Margera in Jackass: The Movie.

Nonetheless, a hilarious read!

Ghosted by Tim @ 06/12/2004 2:47 AM EDT

wow umm dam i hope it was free

Ghosted by CA sucks @ 06/20/2004 5:06 PM EDT

LMFAO…

that course is on staten island on richmond avenue.

that place is truly horrible… i was about 16 [7 years ago] when i went there and skull-fucked that bengal tiger [its eyes were gouged out!]

Ghosted by RobAtPace @ 07/06/2004 1:05 PM EDT

Man is all that shit real! cause if it is that fucked up mini golf course is the worst place on earth. That includes Newark in the summer and nothing is worse than Newark in the summer!, But at least the good part is it was funny to read.

Ghosted by Mohak @ 07/08/2004 10:35 PM EDT

Hey Matt didja snatch a Ball?

Ghosted by Tad @ 07/14/2004 11:26 PM EDT

Hey Matt didja snatch a Ball?

Ghosted by Tad @ 07/14/2004 11:26 PM EDT

I used to work at Safari Amusement. I started as crappy mini golf attendant picking cigarette butts out of the lion’s ass. Then I was promoted to batting cage guy, where I’d have to hand-feed the balls into the busted arm-mangling hopper while people shot line drives at me. By the end of my short term there, I had been made Go-Kart master, where I was run over no less than 8 times. My claim to fame- I was the first person to ever ride those gas powered bumper cars. They weren’t any less shitty then.

Ghosted by Doornob @ 09/14/2004 2:17 PM EDT

P.S.-I still rock my bright yellow Safari Amuesement staff tee shirt every once and a while.

Ghosted by Doornob @ 09/14/2004 2:20 PM EDT

Safari Golf on the corner of Richmond Avenue and Arthur Kill Road in Staten Island? I live right near it. And I’ve played night golf drunk several times.

Ghosted by Danny DeLz @ 02/12/2007 10:12 PM EST

hey I work there ! ! ! this not that bad

Ghosted by Anonymous @ 04/27/2007 3:05 PM EDT

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