It’s not easy being green and everywhere.

In Shrek Crap: Volume III, a not-so-untypical promotional rampage takes a turn for the more insane, as DreamWorks’ star ogre establishes himself ahead of every other movie character in history as the one with the most junk food named after him. I’m always surprised at how far the various studios and snack companies will go with this sorta stuff, but I just can’t see any flick coming along and matching Shrek’s thoroughosity (new week, new word) punch for punch. Many would call it overkill — and it probably is — but it’s still sorta fun to see the entire planet renegotiate itself into a living advertisement for Shrek 2.

Maybe it’s the best way to go. We’re told daily that these are troubled times, that we’re living through a period of intriguing disharmony. If splattering Shrek’s green head on every other street corner and on every kind of soda bottle helps to take the edge off, why the Hell not? And why stop there? Next time Bush interrupts our regularly scheduled programming, tack a Shrek button on his jacket. Have him glumly begin the speech, building everyone’s worst fears only to reveal that the conference was being held to introduce 9 Lives’ new “Puss In Boots Chicken” flavor. If we could persuade everyone in the world to shift their attention to Shrek 2 and Shrek 2 Doritos, I bet people’ll convert their secret fallout shelters into secret Shrek worship altars in no time. Stupid yes, but a lot less macabre. I don’t know if Shrek can save the world, but he sure can make a trip to 7-11 more surreal.

In Shrek Crap: Volume I, we helplessly witnessed the arrival of Shrek’s popcorn, Fruit Roll-Ups, fruit snacks, Go-Gurt (yogurt wands, because we needed them), and a marshmallow-filled cereal fortified with animated wonder.

In Shrek Crap, Volume II, Baskin Robbins hopped on the bandwagon with eighty different Shrek-related ice cream flavors featuring worms as a prevalent theme. Even more interesting was Shrek’s new brand of Waffle Sticks, including “green swamp syrup.” Rounding out the lot was Betty Crocker’s Shrek cookies, Shrek Kudos bars and Shrek’s Swampy M&Ms. A whole lotta Shrekkin goin on.

Can Shrek Crap: Volume III top the previous installments? Depends on how interested you are in Sierra Mist-flavored Slurpees. If that’s your bag, Volume III is God.

On the trip back home from scouring Easy Video over in Woodbridge for more cheap movies and expired candies, a banner on a roadside 7-11 caught our eye. That’s right, folks — the official Shrek Slurpee. With all of the hooplah, if Shrek 2 banks anything less than seven billion dollars during the first three hours of its opening day, someone at Dreamworks will be sent to the firing squad. You know, to get shot.

Let me remind you that I’m only covering the sorta kinda oddball items. Shrek’s reach extends much further; he’s on all the chip bags and soda cans as well. If interested, 7-11 is certainly a good place to begin your Shrekquest. With innumerable sightings of the ogre’s head on virtually everything sold within, the only thing I noticed without a Shrek connection were those strange chicken eggroll deals they had rolling around inside a Hot Machine. My theory: Shrek has his standards.

The famed Slurpee™ machine boasted few flavors I was familiar with, but the “Shrek-a-Licious” Sierra Mist Slurpee is a new kind of tasty danger. I can’t say for sure what we the people feel about Sierra Mist, but I’d rather drink liquefied elephant skin. There’s just something about it I find completely foreign and disgusting, and the leading candidate for what that something might be is Sierra Mist’s flavor: liquefied elephant eyeballs. I feel the same way about Mountain Dew, though, so opinions may differ.

Regardless, the fact that 7-11 was willing to let Shrek take over the Slurpee section is a huge, huge deal. We’re talking about holy ground sacred territory end-all be-all place to be. An endorsement from Slurpee Center is about as good as having God spread the clouds. hang his giant face over the horizon and yell about what an A-rate movie Shrek 2 is. In some ways it’s even better, since most of the world is more into Slurpees than religion.

Another view of the machine, because you can never have enough.

The 7-11 ran out of official plastic souvenir Shrek glasses, which they described in those very same terms. “Plastic souvenir Shrek glasses? Sorry we’re out.” Daunted but not defeated, I used one of the regular crappy cups and found solace in the fact that it was appropriately green.

As mentioned, I think it tastes pretty awful. Guess it’s passable if you’re into Sierra Mist, but I’ve yet to encounter a soul who is…maybe we’ve hit an impasse here. Mist fans, know that you’re in a minority. Speak up. Demand your rights.

7-11 also housed a more widely available slice of Shrek crap, and I still can’t believe it exists. I’d heard the rumors, oh yes, but who woulda thunk Chester Cheetah capable of disgorging Cheetos that turn your tongue green? Cheetahs are so rarely magicians.

It’s no joke. Shrek 2 Cheetos Twisted look perfectly natural and orange, but as you chew, you mock photosynthesis.

Quit mocking photosynthesis, ya jerk.

Something interesting: how many poor souls will go to a 7-11 or some other deli, grab a bag of Cheetos but not really look at it because nobody really looks at bags of Cheetos, and find themselves in the position of having green shit all over their mouths with no idea why there’s green shit all over their mouths? Thousands, I’d bet. In the time it took me to fuck up this paragraph, I bet six more people gunned to the emergency room with a spontaneous case of the ol’ greenmouth.

And if that’s not a reason to love Shrek…

There they are. Cheetos with superpowers. See how normal they look? Like if someone was coloring Q*Bert and didn’t want to switch crayons when they got up to Enemy Snake Coily? Even those with amazing eyesight would fail to note any differences between these twisted Cheetos and regular twisted Cheetos. I’ve created this small presentation to introduce you to the greatest miracle since glowing popcorn:

Eh, I guess that wasn’t a presentation. Just a picture, of a Cheeto in water, slowly releasing its inner puddles of green dye into the atmosphere — on in other cases, your mouth. Be thankful I’m not showing you what a half-eaten magic green Cheeto looks like on top of a slimy tongue, because I did take that picture and it’s pretty disgusting. For the record, I’d mark it more of a deep, deep emerald than green. The orange still permeates enough for the combined mixture to be more brownish, and brown-stained tongues with little bits of something gooey all over them won’t win any popularity contests.

Some other things picked up for this round…

The official Shrek 2 Bellywasher, “Swamp Punch.” Shrek’s head is spring-loaded, though I haven’t quite figured out why. I’ve not yet developed a reason to crack open a drink called “Swamp Punch.” Perhaps this day will come. When, I cannot say.

Here’s Shrek’s Fruit Gushers, in “Fruitomic Punch.” When Dr. Frankenstein took DNA from Freshen-Up gum and mixed it with atoms split off Fruit Wrinkles, the public at large welcomed Gushers: snacks with slime in the middle. Each box contains a free Shrek 2 figurine. I got the donkey. Again.

Down below are some quick, gritty pics snapped from my 23rd century camera phone. Can’t remember where. Looks like a supermarket.

If I find more Shrek crap, my reports will be swift like ogre. If you haven’t already, check out Volume I and Volume II. Shrek says to.

Posted by Matt. E-mail me!