And we’re off with Shrek Crap: Volume II! I thought our journey would end here, but alas, there’s still five hundred Shrek entrees waiting to be gawked at. This’ll probably be a continuing series till the flick hits theaters, because if I’m gonna archive some of it, I may as well archive all of it. Here’s the second batch of crud, and believe it or not, the strangest items are yet to come…

Our story begins at Baskin Robbins. Much like the ice cream champions did for the X-Men sequel, Shrek 2 now has an official flavor — albeit for a limited time. Actually, Shrek’s nailed himself at least three or four flavors, just about taking over the entire chain with strange fruity combos nobody over six years old would ever want to order…

The staff of this particular BR was more than happy to let me snap pictures of the backs of their heads as they feverishly whipped up cones and sundaes deserving of the name SHREK. Though there’s several Shrekky flavors available, only one truly piqued my interest: an otherworldly beastly thing known as, drumroll, cymbals, 2001 music, wrath of God — the Shrek Swirl.

Oh look, my lucky day. The Shrek Swirl was in Shrek Stock. Wait till you see this…

Okay, it’s not as enormously ridiculous as the commercial suggests, but there’s never been an ice cream flavor like this before. I’ll let Baskin Robbins do the describing: “Green-colored grape sherbet and purple-colored green apple sherbet loaded with popping candy.” Yup, sherbet with Pop Rocks colored ALL WRONG. Not saying this because you expect me to, but the stuff’s pretty awful. There’s no clear way to prepare for the taste of a Shrek Swirl, as even though I’ve tasted it, fuck me if I can tell you what those flavors were. Grape? Apple? No way, those would’ve been the last two things to come to mind. I hadn’t read the description prior to my first taste, and was mighty surprised when shit started popping on my tongue. After having the situation explained, the surprise turned to delight. And then it turned to depression because, swear to God, they managed to give me the world’s largest scoop of sherbet with the world’s least generous portion of Pop Rocks in history. I counted six.

That’s a Shrek Sundae. Pretty basic stuff — vanilla, chocolate, broken Oreos, broken hearts. The addition of gummy worms was pleasant, if only for the reminder of how god damned awesome gummy worms are when frozen and somewhat wet. Try it sometime. I guarantee you’ll propose to food.

Yeah, you can get a Puss In Boots Chocolate Mousse, too. You can have it all.

Aside from Princess Fiona’s flavor — some kind of pink swirly thing with a chocolate tiara — there was this, a sundae with bananas representing Donkey’s donkey ears.

I’m going to reprint that last paragraph. It’s just not often that I get to throw those words together without some kind of error being involved.

Aside from Princess Fiona’s flavor — some kind of pink swirly thing with a chocolate tiara — there was this, a sundae with bananas representing Donkey’s donkey ears.

Interesting thing is, once you start reprinting ice cream paragraphs, it’s tough to stop.

Aside from Princess Fiona’s flavor — some kind of pink swirly thing with a chocolate tiara — there was this, a sundae with bananas representing Donkey’s donkey ears.

But I will, because it’s the right thing to do.

Aside from Princess Fiona’s flavor — some kind of pink swirly thing with a chocolate tiara — there was this, a sundae with bananas representing Donkey’s donkey ears.

Notice I didn’t say when I’d stop.

Shrek 2 Waffle Sticks seem to lack the requisite oddness of some of our previous entries, but look closer. Instead of regular maple, kids are afforded tubs of “green swamp syrup.” It’s the syrup that gives you a worthwhile followup after telling someone “I ate syrup today.”

“I ate syrup today.”

“…so?”

“It was GREEN SWAMP SYRUP.”

“HOLY. MOTHER OF. GOD!”

See? It’s green. Just like the box said it’d be. Boxes never lie.

There’s also some kind of cookie baking kit from Betty Crocker. The included ingredients are generally typical, but they were sure to throw in a bag of cookie-topping gummy worms. Upon closer inspection, the frosting looks like creamier guacamole. Also stuffed inside: a coupon for half-off baking soda. I absolutely slid that shit in my wallet. We JUST ran out!

Jesus Christ, I can’t believe they still make Kudos bars. Shrek’s variety is topped with “Swampy M&Ms,” bringing me to our final entry for the day…

Shrek’s new “Swampy M&Ms” and “Swampy Sour Skittles.” The M&Ms are pretty interesting, arriving in all sorts of bland, negotiably swampy colors. Added bonuses include a proof of purchase cutout label and a picture of one of those M&M dudes mutated to look like Shrek. In life, it’s all about the little things.

Astoundindedlyblah, this ain’t even the half of it. There’s still more Shrek 2 crap to come. I’ll gather up the next dose when I have the chance, and file my report for your perusal as soon as possible. Figure like, seven months or so.

New article coming sometime today, stay tuned. It’s kind of a stupid one, but I think I’ll end up liking it a whole lot. Did I just jynx myself?

And so the planet suffers for the beat of just one word.

Posted by Matt. E-mail me!