Shrek 2 Crap: Volume I: Okay, this was originally intended to be a regular article, but a couple of things went wrong. First off, I know as much about Shrek as I do hydrolophysics, and if “hydrolophysics” isn’t a real word, I didn’t know that either. Secondly, I didn’t feel that many of the products required any kind of lengthy description, and I ain’t running no picture gallery. Third, I got a bunch of Hellraiser and Christmas Story figures, and was more interested in making Ralphie go to Hell. Instead, I’ll put the shit here. This is the first of two parts; the second has the extra good stuff, so check back tomorrow for the rest…

I’ve never seen Shrek, at least not in full. Think I watched fifteen minutes of it on one of the movie channels before heading back to the familiar embrace of Nick@Nite. I’m sure it’s just as great as everyone says, but the teaser ads featuring shots of Mike and Cameron belting their lines into microphones with their hands on their ears and their eyes morphing into small slits of something foreign totally turned me off to it. Whenever the characters spoke, that’s all I could think about. I mentally superimposed Mike Myers’ image over Shrek, and under those circumstances, Shrek sucked.

But I’m sure it’s a wonderful movie.

DreamWorks’ Shrek 2 is about to hit theaters, though I’m sure you already knew that. The gamut of print, radio and television ads have been enormous, with Shrek’s green head being bested out in onscreen prominence only by that guy who wants to sell me a food processor that can grind through solid granite. He’s everywhere you look, and not just in the obvious spots. If you like ice cream or groceries in general, prepare to become acquainted with six million gallons of green food coloring. Shrek has taken over.

Like the Hulk and Spongebob before him, Shrek leaves no stone uncovered even if there’s the slightest chance that the stone might be hiding someone capable of paying to see his movie. He’ll get you in the junk food aisle, in the freezer section — from what I could tell, the local Waldbaum’s was about 93% Shrek.

Braving the potential of having everyone in the neighborhood think I’m some sort of insane Shrek fetishist pervert, I waltzed up to the register with everything Shrek-related to be found. This isn’t even half of the stuff, though, since this particular supermarket is legendary in their promotional limited edition skimpiness. This is why the bomb ticks just below it, waiting for my command. Here’s the Shrek crap:

It’s taken a decade, but finally Pop Secret has returned to the corn that brought ‘em to the dance. Shrek 2 Popcorn is all too reminiscent of yesteryear’s Pop Qwiz, which is to say, POPCORN IN CRAZY COLORS. Unbelievable, and on sale. The box features Shrek’s severed head spraying out popcorn, and you might be too fixated on that happy image to notice the real glory. The popcorn. Is dyed. Green.

Before we get to that, check out the bag. It’s a Shrekky bag. Cool thing is, Shrek’s head expands along with the bag while the popcorn cooks, so when you take him out of the microwave, it feels like magic. Only it’s not. It’s just popcorn.

I see that dyeing popcorn green is a process still as of yet unperfected. Still, a good percentage of it passes the green test, and if you were ever looking for a way to improve popcorn without adding all of those bullshit Cajun spices like everyone else does, this is it. Green or regular, it all tastes the same, but only Shrek’s version looks like something that requires a copy of the 1994 Woman’s Day Halloween Special to achieve.

Sadly a limited edition, we can only hope that Shrek’s Bag O’ Fun opened some doors for future animated icons to dye popcorn again. Additionally, if you feed this to babies, their diaper messes would look like Toxic Avenger props. Give it some extra points if you like your popcorn buttery; the stuff leaves your hands looking like you just fisted Puss In Boots.

A whole lot more awaits…

Betty Crocker hits the green ball twice with Shrek 2 Fruit Roll-Ups and Fruit Snacks, which are no more unusual than the non-Shrek varieties save for the in-your-face packaging and faint traces of triple-skill poison. The Roll-Ups, obviously more important than Fruit Snacks, come in an oversized box with one of four Shrek 2 figurines.

There’s the beasts. This time around, the Roll-Ups are “Screamin’ Green” flavored — doesn’t really explain what you’re about to taste, but I’m pretty sure it’s apple. I can’t identify any of the Fruit Snacks except Shrek, but I hope they didn’t waste that awesome chalky blue on anything but a central character.

Shrek 2 Cereal, from General Mills. The box style is pretty offbeat, lacking the requisite giant red title lettering and vague promises about free gifts. Here’s what you’ll be eating:

It’s the lovechild of Kix and Lucky Charms, and in the world of limited edition movie cereals that are rarely described as edible, this one ain’t too bad. Especially sans milk, downed with a gulp of iced tea so it liquefies into a gooey mass of oaty sugar as it makes its way through your throat. The best breakfasts let you eat like a fly.

I’m still not sold on Yoplait’s Go-Gurt crap. With a strange stance on all dairy products, I just can’t understand eating yogurt that’s been sitting in a lunchbox for several hours, slowly transforming into cheese. If kids are eating it straight from the fridge, cool, but if not, they need to stop before someone ups and explodes. Plus, I just can’t envision yogurt in any container but the traditional cup. I’m sure it’s fine and healthy sitting in those paper tubes, but it still feels somehow wrong. Maybe the term “portable yogurt” is throwing me off. Not sure if I’ve ever encountered a yogurt that wasn’t negotiably portable. What makes Go-Gurt so special?

Okay, I guess it’s interesting. The Shrekked-up packages include these “Magic Mirror” tricks, where only one of a series of symbols remains intact as kids rub their dirty fingers over them. The others vanish with the heat, only returning when warmth is lost. I challenge the idea that heating up yogurt is ever justified.

Coming Up In Volume II: Waffle sticks with green slime, Baskin Robbins’ Shrek-inspired ice cream, and some other shit I can’t remember.

Posted by Matt. E-mail me!