The Garbage Pail Kids return to X-Entertainment with a review of Imperial's GPK Tacky Snappers.  What were they?  I dunno…some kinda slime wands with character-shaped handles.  I think.  The article features a hands-on look at the beasts, plus a bonus section that rewrites an old blog entry about GPK's assortment of "Cheap Toys & Crummy Candy."  I've been dying to open this stupid Tacky Snapper for like a year now.  Now that I have, I'm not sure what to do with myself.  Maybe I'll take up stained glass.  When you're finished with that, feel free to go back and read my review of the unprecedented pile of torment known as Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie.

Here's that Transformers "Alternators" review I promised.  Of the two I've seen in stores, Sleek Red Sideswipe absolutely blows away the other guy — can't remember his name, but he was blue and green and read all over.  I'm reading that Sideswipe's cousin has a cooler robot mode, but you won't catch that from the box.  I've also noticed that most children skipped right past the available Alternators for other TF toys — that hideous new Prime combiner seems to be the leader of the gimme gimme pack, but to me, the thing looks like something an upscale closeout store would hock at 5.99 alongside fermented bags of Gummi Lifesavers.  Even while in Hasbro's showroom at Toy Fair, I couldn't get past the idea that Hot New Combiner Optimus looked like an awkward rainbow of plastic crap.
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Which animal would you steal from the zoo?

Well hello there.  Long time no chat.  How are the kidddss???  Today's article focuses on the finer points of Saint Patrick's Day, written from the non-Irish perspective because I am absolutely not Irish.  We'll take a look at such holiday staples as green beer, McDonald's Shamrock Shakes, Cookie O'Puss and beyond.  There's even a wild, woolly relative of Grimace hidden inside.  I think the Chia Plot is on hold till next week, so I hope rambling about green beer can compensate.  No?  Aw come on.  Back with more tomorrow!

I was really tempted to order Wrestlemania last night, but the one-two punch of having too much due for today and the PPV's price tag of ten trillion dollars made it a no-go.  From what I've read, it was a pretty great show — had the right ending, at least.  The first of these events that I've seen was "Wrestlemania 2," at some kid's birthday party at an ice cream parlor in Jersey.  We watched it on video — this was right before the big Hulk Hogan/Andre thing.  Save for King Kong Bundy's big head, the only thing I remember is the birthday boy throwing up his ice cream at the precise moment SD Jones was throwing up in the middle of the ring after Jake "The Snake" Roberts threw a python on him.  Everyone went home right afterwards.

As for last night's show, I was especially interested in seeing my old favorite, the Undertaker, return to the gimmick that made him famous.  I used to be completely obsessed with this character, to the point where I'd fashioned homemade ripped sleeve shirts in junior high, walking around school trying to roll my eyes back in my head and failing miserably.  For those not wise to the ways, old school Undertaker was sort of like having a literal zombie pro-wrestler.  He's gotten a lot older and isn't as beloved nowadays, but it would've been cool to see the ol' act again.  Sadly, from all reports, the tribute to vintage Taker played out more like a guy who really didn't want to do it.  If Wrestlemania was Jim Ross' last day of work, I'm sure he would've snidely worked in a "shades of LOD 2000" as Taker made his way down the aisle.  Okay enough…

Instead, I devoted an hour to The Sopranos.  Last week's season opener left a lot to be desired in my opinion, but this week's show more than made up for it.  Steve Buscemi is only one episode into his run, and already he's the most fascinating act they've got.  I wasn't the only one who hated most of the previous season, and it seems like they're adhering to public opinion with the new crop.  In other words, stuff is actually happening this season.  It's not just a buncha talk with some thrown-in scenes of Aida shoving things up Joey Pantoliano's ass under the guise of smart entertainment.  So far, so good with the new season — let's hope they can keep with the momentum.

My apologies for being so sparse this week, I've had a lot going on.  Couple of assignments, couple of fires.  Actually, we've been doing loads of construction work in our Don Lapre apartment for the efforts of creating me some kind of office (I hit the wall with the amount of times I lost work because a cat knocked out the plug or pissed on the outlet), and that's just about done.  In this, I bought some fancy office furniture from Ikea, and in that, I now vow to never touch, look at or speak of a fucking Allen wrench again for the rest of eternity.  Those God damned Swedes.  Anyway, now that I'm done pretending to know how to put planks of wood together, I'm free to write more articles on bad movies and stupid cartoons.  Few of those coming up.  Meantime, check out my last word on this year's Toy Fair — a look at the cream of the crop.  My personal picks for the eleven best toys and action figures that've either just come out or will debut sometime in 2004.  Oh, the Transformers "Alternators" are on that last, but I'd like to add one thing: as great as those figures are, they're also real cheap.  I totally wasn't expecting a 20 dollar price tag on figures that seemed poised to fetch at least double that.  I'll give you a review on one of 'em tomorrow.

A mysterious reader mysteriously donated these, so let's review 'em.  During the 1990s, the Howard Johnson hotel chain teamed up with Sega.  It was the era of Game Gear, and every HoJo was stocked to the brim with portable video game systems and Sonic the Hedgehogs.  That's all well and good, but as a direct result, we've got two of the worst videos I've ever seen, where a Howard Johnson employee pesters an ugly hotel guest about playing video games and being radical.  Really brutal stuff.  I've included a bunch of video clips.  Why should I suffer alone?

Oh, in case you've missed it, Nabisco struck back with yet another Oreo variety: "Spring Oreo Cookies," with sky blue creme filling.  They're gonna run out of colors soon.  Evidently, "Spring" is our new nondenominational code word for "Easter," much like "Christmas" has become "Winter" or "Holiday."  It's God fearing of a different kind.  Save for the weird creme and a few strange scenes on the cookie tops, they're the same as you remember.  Click here for a closer look.