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New Article: American Gladiators Candy Bars!

Hey, anybody want an American Gladiators Chewy Nougat Bar? Made in 1993 by Dr. Channard, the criminal candies mixed fruit flavors with puttylike nougat to create the snack no kid would ever want to eat. Even with pretty pictures of Zap and Turbo all over the boxes, nothing could save this horrific edible from its rightful resting place in Hell. Review also includes a quick intro about some of the other Gladiator-related merchandise we've seen through the years, and ends off with crossed-out nougat jokes. Enjoy.

Posted by Matt on 03/23/2004. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 115 comments

Contendors READY?!
Gladiators READY?!

Chestnuts roasted by Nachokhaki @ 03/23/2004 6:47 PM

The scribble image only makes sense if you know Yaz’s Situation song. I do, and it does. :)

Chestnuts roasted by Yaz @ 03/23/2004 6:47 PM

don’t ever eat dairy product from the american gladiators

Chestnuts roasted by nelson @ 03/23/2004 6:47 PM

I actually bought a sealed box of these at a dollar store a few years ago (1997 or 98 I think). They were 5 for a buck (the candy itself), so they made me buy an extra one just to even things out. So I did eat the spare one. The lemon-lime one. I do remember it actually being in the shape of a bar and being rather pale green in color. I don’t really remember the taste though, but don’t remember getting sick or anything from it. I think I might’ve liked it even. I’m not touching the rest of the box though.

I also started opening theee year old Star Wars Episode 1 fruit snacks just to get some more space in the box they were in, I’m still debating whether or not I should try eating any of them. The regular shaped things anyway, not the roll thing. That stuff is REALLY nasty looking now…

Chestnuts roasted by Lim @ 03/23/2004 6:48 PM

Christ Matt, I would’ve loved to be in the same room as you when you opened those things up. The flock of "Ewww!!! Gross!!!! Bogus!!!" was probably great in numbers. I loved/love American Gladiators though, is that free hat offer still available? I also remember the International Gladiators, the foreign female glads werent very strong but damn were they hot. Especially that one from austrailia. I still remember my favorite competator, I forget his real name but his nick-name was Bam bam. My favorite gladiator was always Nananananitro cuz he was a badass. Anyway whens that next CHia plot gonna see the internet?

Chestnuts roasted by James @ 03/23/2004 6:48 PM

Ok, thanks, Matt… Now I can say I’ve done an internet search for Yaz lyrics… I’ve lived a full life.

Chestnuts roasted by Nachokhaki @ 03/23/2004 6:56 PM

The first season of Gladiators ruled over all others. They had the Executioner guy as the ref, and instead of hiding behind big silver shield-dealies in the Assault game, they hid behind bushes. Dead bushes. First season was Badass. By the end they were running track on the ceiling…

Chestnuts roasted by Yeah... @ 03/23/2004 6:56 PM

Matt, a quarter to eat the orange one!

And edible Donald Duck contraceptives? Since when are you so kinky about Disney?!?!

Chestnuts roasted by TOP1214 @ 03/23/2004 7:09 PM

Best disgusting old food article EVAR! PS I never cared for American Gladiators. PPS I like grape flavored candy. I know I’m a freak.

Chestnuts roasted by Meatwad @ 03/23/2004 7:24 PM

That Yaz thing is the funniest thing I’ve seen in an unbelievably long time.

NOUGAT!

Chestnuts roasted by Nekopan @ 03/23/2004 7:28 PM

Holy Mary Mother of God. I almost spilled my spaghetti when I saw those bars. Spilling the spaghetti is worse than tossing cookies, cause cookies taste better stupid!!!

Anyway, it brings back fond memories of watch Urkel and Carl Winslow competing on American Gladiators. Didn’t Urkel win by a nose, and they showed a picture of Urkel touching the finish ribbon with his nose just before Carl.
Ha!!!!!!!!

Chestnuts roasted by Don't Touch, Willy. @ 03/23/2004 8:05 PM

fierra pan also made some fruit snacks that tasted like Farleys. I started watching American Gladiators in the 94-95 season when I moved to my new house. I was always a Sky fan. Remember that kids verson of the show that was hosted by that god awful Ryan Seacrest before he had like 500 jobs.

Chestnuts roasted by pikachulover @ 03/23/2004 8:06 PM

I had those American Gladiators figures talked about in the article, still do actually. I lost Nitro, but can still claim possesion of Turbo, a red opponent guy, and my favorite gladiator, Gemini. Gemini kicked ass.

Chestnuts roasted by Rob @ 03/23/2004 8:26 PM

You know, from licking and eating such bizarre and disgusting things I bet Matt’s built up some wicked rare immunities. Like a superpower almost… Anyway Willy, once I threw up and a spaghetti noodle came out my nose.

Chestnuts roasted by Gabbylicious @ 03/23/2004 8:31 PM

Heyya Matt, what’s your medical insurance rates look like considering you do this for a living?

Chestnuts roasted by Cannibalizer @ 03/23/2004 8:42 PM

Anyone ever catch "Battle Dome" a few years back? It was a Gadiator-like show with wrestler-type characters and stories. Bobbie Brown, of Warrant "Cherry Pie" video fame, was the best known person on the show, but Terry Crews aka T-Money’s acting career has since taken off. My friends loved the show for a while; especially the blond guy since they had seen him in the slightly-more-than-meterosexual "International Male" clothing catalog that came to their apartment out of nowhere.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0233032/
http://www.etv.co.za/PRESSLIST/att-0144/02-Cast.jpg
http://stuntrev.com/images/2000/ohern9.jpg
http://www.petersreviews.com/battledome08.jpg
http://www.internationalmale.com/

Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 03/23/2004 8:47 PM

I watched American Gladiator after all the Saturday Morning Cartoons ended and we got to the really boring adult shows. That show was fricken awesome! Better than WWF (because my parents didn’t let me watch WWF), more exciting than an episode of Power Rangers (but I didn’t know that back than) and it was the only show were muscles actually made the women look good (however, my privates were hairless at the time, so it’s a moot point).

Great article, Matt. Matty.

Chestnuts roasted by Mr. Mr. Mr. @ 03/23/2004 9:15 PM

ME: Yeah i watched it afew times back when. I remember that one biker guy was in the audience with his monkey, and the monkey started smokin and he was like "Hey dont do that smokins for losers!" and the Ed Mc. Man wannabe was like "Thats right kids, smokins for losers!" It was okay but didnt beat Gladiators. They need another newer cooler, faster, uhhh gnarleyer show like AG for the modern days.

Chestnuts roasted by James @ 03/23/2004 9:37 PM

Ok, now to state the obvious – those so-called candies were the most outrageously disgusting things I’ve ever seen. Matt, I can’t believe you didn’t mutuate or something just from touching those things. Have you checked for a third arm or super strength or the ability to wield nunchuckas with a shell on your back yet?

My family didn’t have cable during much of "American Gladiators" heyday, and I didn’t see the point, anyway. I thought (and still thought) it was all pretty darn silly. I also related it to wrestling with better-looking actors, and I’ve never been a huge wrestling fan, either.

Chestnuts roasted by starwenn @ 03/23/2004 10:05 PM

Any one remember the time when they where on the monkey bar obstical where one of the women got her pants/panties pulled down?That was true comedy..

Chestnuts roasted by chris @ 03/23/2004 10:15 PM

Just a few weeks back we pulled up the American Gladiators game on the trusty old emulator (i’m guessing snes?) but the controls/game mechanics were so awful that it became a test of who could get their misshappen sprite through the Gauntlet through sheer willpower and screaming. It kept the rest of us entertained for quite some time though.
Can somebody explain to me why there was no delicious Nitro nougat? Did the candy go into production after he had made the switch from Gladiator to ringside reporter guy? There’s a long list of dirty candy bar jokes I want to make right now, but I’m going to be the bigger person and refrain.

Chestnuts roasted by squee4242 @ 03/23/2004 10:41 PM

Red scribbling still confuses me :(

Chestnuts roasted by Kristal @ 03/23/2004 10:50 PM

I had Turbo, Nitro and Laser American Gladiators figures.

Chestnuts roasted by Fangry @ 03/23/2004 11:05 PM

Ok, what is that mp3? I’m listening to it and I think I’m getting addicted to it.

Or maybe just anything is better than the J-pop I’ve been listening to.

Chestnuts roasted by d @ 03/23/2004 11:12 PM

Woohoo number 50! um.. anyway…

You just keep pulling them out of your ass don’t you Matt?
I love the "easter egg" too, nice theme song to listen to as I read the article.
Much better than the theme from 2001.

Seriously though..
You should have included a warning at the start of this whole thing.
Thank god I wasn’t eating.
And you’re telling us that you actually licked all five of those disgusting thing?
Yeesh, The things you do for us loyal X-E readers :P

Chestnuts roasted by Cyanyde @ 03/23/2004 11:33 PM

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