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03/23/2004: New Article: American Gladiators Candy Bars!

Hey, anybody want an American Gladiators Chewy Nougat Bar? Made in 1993 by Dr. Channard, the criminal candies mixed fruit flavors with puttylike nougat to create the snack no kid would ever want to eat. Even with pretty pictures of Zap and Turbo all over the boxes, nothing could save this horrific edible from its rightful resting place in Hell. Review also includes a quick intro about some of the other Gladiator-related merchandise we’ve seen through the years, and ends off with crossed-out nougat jokes. Enjoy.

Posted by Matt. E-mail me!

Discussion Thread: 115 comments

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I don’t see what everyone’s gripe is about Nougat. I personally like him as an artist and think that Cat Scratch Fever is one of the best songs out there. Oh and that stuff on the page was pretty gross, looks like wood filler or something

Ghosted by Yertu @ 03/25/2004 4:32 PM EST

I like it when he shoots flaming arrows at his guitar. TWANG!

Ghosted by kingklash @ 03/25/2004 4:53 PM EST

You know, I actually like some of the stuff from Ferrara Pan. Especially those Lemonheads. They have the perfect tangyness to them.I also like that Cherry Clan stuff…oh yeah…and Jawbreakers.

Ghosted by Nate @ 03/25/2004 9:30 PM EST

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention fireballs. Thos things burnt the roof off of my mouth, but I didn’t give a shit. I earned bragging rights by being the only kid I knew who kept the damn thing in his mouth entire time without drinking any water. Okay, I’m bragging too much.

Ghosted by Nate @ 03/25/2004 9:33 PM EST

Seth: Yeah, I remember that show. It was kinda retarded. The warriors seemed reminded me of WWF wrestlers, only these guys were not at all cool.

Ghosted by Nate @ 03/25/2004 9:36 PM EST

American Gladiators used to be my life. I watched a rerun not long ago on USA and that one guy, Dylan Bruno, was a contestant before he was an actor. He was the asshole guy in The Rage: Carrie II. He was also in other crappy movies of which I cannot name off hand. Just an interesting fact…And the candies look like when dry dog food chunks like Ol’ Roy get all wet from being out in the rain and they turn into mush balls. That is nas-tee.

Ghosted by macks @ 03/25/2004 10:23 PM EST

Where’s the Malibu bar?

Zap showed her tit and a whole lot more in a 90’s playboy spread.

Ghosted by garbage pail kid @ 03/26/2004 5:15 AM EST

I love grape blowpops. I will take a grape blowpop over cherry or any of the other flavors. It’s true. I’m not lying.

Ghosted by Laurie @ 03/27/2004 1:03 AM EST

YOU SHOULD BE WRITING ARTICLES FOR MAXIM. EXCELLENT ARTICLE MY FRIEND. VERY ENTERTAINING.

Ghosted by KEVIN @ 03/27/2004 3:23 PM EST

It’s really Odd how coprate america is starting to push the mass consumption of Blended goodness of used Gladiators gym socks and rancid fruit rollups

Ghosted by Sam Sinn @ 03/29/2004 1:46 PM EST

OMG…

Ghosted by PZelda @ 03/31/2004 6:16 PM EST

This article gets an A+ for the most use of colourful imagery, similies, and metaphors.

Ghosted by RedBaron @ 04/11/2004 11:44 PM EDT

you guys,
GEMINI
from the bitner blog
is this THE GEMINI?
did bitner fall for a Gladiator?
say it ain’t so!

Ghosted by valarie @ 04/20/2004 3:33 AM EDT

Oddly enough, I’ve eaten these! It was a few years back, and they weren’t deformed, so maybe nougat is good until about year 8 or something. In any case, even fully formed they were horrible. I got them at Big Lots, so maybe that explains it… I was hoping for some sort of fruity nougat experience kinda like Mamba… No such luck.

Ghosted by Jennifer @ 05/09/2004 5:21 AM EDT

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 23rd, 2004 at 4:14 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.