Here's that Transformers "Alternators" review I promised. Of the two I've seen in stores, Sleek Red Sideswipe absolutely blows away the other guy -- can't remember his name, but he was blue and green and read all over. I'm reading that Sideswipe's cousin has a cooler robot mode, but you won't catch that from the box. I've also noticed that most children skipped right past the available Alternators for other TF toys -- that hideous new Prime combiner seems to be the leader of the gimme gimme pack, but to me, the thing looks like something an upscale closeout store would hock at 5.99 alongside fermented bags of Gummi Lifesavers. Even while in Hasbro's showroom at Toy Fair, I couldn't get past the idea that Hot New Combiner Optimus looked like an awkward rainbow of plastic crap.

Hey look, more negativity: the Alternators probably aren't quite so deserving of my initial gushes. They're cool, no doubt, but I had played them up like God's inanimate missionaries sent to Earth to cure cancer and jock itch simultaneously. No, they're not that good, but for 20 bucks? They're definitely worth 20 bucks.

In Dodge Viper form, Sideswipe looks incredible. Like a model car. Few would suspect an Autobot head hiding in the underbelly. The car form is actually neat enough to compensate for a shitty robot version, but luckily, I think this guy passed the test in both forms. While not made of the same diecast metal as their ancient G1 Autobot cousins, the Alternators are more than double the size. Plus, you're just a few quarters away from having two "Homies" driving your Autobot around. Do they still make those things? Are any of 'em white yet?

The transformation process is pretty long and involved, but with the combination of a step-by-step instruction manual and Magic Hands I've Got Magic Hands, it wasn't too difficult. Course, I'll still suggest that you skip the instructions entirely. With virtually every Transformers toy I've picked up in the past five years, the tutorial seems almost intentionally impossible to comprehend. It's just drawings of the figure from a hundred different angles with arrows pointing in vaguely defined spots. I was able to get Sideswipe going only when I tossed aside the instruction sheet -- but before that, look how he came out...

HEY I AM THAT GUY IN ROBOCOP WHO GOT COVERED IN TOXIC WASTE AND RAN OVER, ONLY NOT BECAUSE HE WAS HUMAN AND I AM A ROBOT, WOE IS ROBOTY.

There's Sideswipe in his robot mode. Decent enough, aye? I don't really peg this guy as a good choice for kids who mash their toys together and throw 'em at walls, so I'm pretty sure the Alternators are really meant for us older types who shamelessly still buy toys and eat Fruit Gushers. Even Sideswipe's sole accessory -- a small, silver-plated plastic gun -- seems like a throwback to the Autobot toys of old.

Other strong points: the head is marvelous; it actually looks like a real Autobot head and not a whimsical screenprinted cake featuring an Autobot head. The figure is adequately tall -- 8 or 9 inches with legs up to here! With the incredible emphasis on detail, there's no part of the toy that feels like it's "just there." Even the guy's feet have all sorts of flippy-around twisty-turny robot parts.

Overall: Recommended. They aren't the end-all, be-all toys I originally pegged 'em as, but the Alternators are nice concessions to everyone who's been asking for revamped Autobot cars all of these years. Some may prefer to just stick with the actual reissues, though. 8 outta 10 -- a high 8. Like 8.7, 8.8.

While we're on the subject of Transformers...

About a week ago, I interviewed Gary Chalk for UGO -- he's the guy who does Optimus' voice on all of the new shows, going as far back as Optimus Primal on Beast Wars. Hell of a nice guy. Unfortunately, I wasn't aware that the reason this interview was setup was because Gary supplied the voice for that new "Prelude to Energon" game. So, I'm throwing him like a thousand weirdass questions, digging pretty deep into his resume (the guy's done voices on everything from G.I. Joe to Sonic the Hedgehog), and by the time I started asking about his role in "The Fly II," someone from Atari chimed and started begging that I talk about the video game. Whoops! So now, anytime I hear anything about Optimus Prime, I'm going to remember the special phone interview where Atari yelled at me and Gary Chalk responded in his Dr. Robotnik voice. Oh well.