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02/22/2004: ALF gets ‘em out.

Last night, completely by accident, I stumbled onto the quickest way to get people out of your house. We’ve all been there — you have a few friends over, you drink a lot, time flies and flies…before you know it, it’s the middle of the night and you just want to go to sleep. An understandable predicament, but not always the easiest problem to solve. This wasn’t exactly the case last night — I was perfectly happy nodding off on the couch even if the guests were still here — but I’ve found the solution all the same. It’s a little known DVD called “The ALF Files,” containing three loooong episodes starring everyone’s favorite Melmacian hairball, ALF. I suggested we throw the DVD on, because really, the only shot ALF has at being genuinely funny these days is to an audience of really tired drunk people. It, uh…it didn’t go over quite so well. One by one, my friends scratched at their throats in quiet frustration, unsure of how to field their angst but thoroughly adamant about getting the fuck away from my television set. ALF successfully ended the gathering. Everyone grabbed their coats and didn’t even bother coming up with a cover excuse for leaving: it was simply understood that they couldn’t handle another ALF skit. So, if you ever need to clear the home of people who don’t live there, buy the ALF Files DVD.

I’ll have to remember that one. First, I shall find some friends. Yeah, good plan.

That’s why I make my house dull so my friends don’t come over. I go there. It also helps I live in a city close to the ones my friends are in.

Well I screwed up my email in that last post. Not that it matter since I doubt i’ll get any email

Ha! I kill me! My brother bought that DVD almost a year ago…I guess it was just cheap enough to not pass up. I didn’t even open it until Christmas time when I decided that I was just drunk enough to throw ‘er in and weep like a bitch over the Christmas episode. It all came back to me…the lonely black man on the bridge…Alf in a santa suit…the fact that I was always secretly pissed off that my name wasn’t Tiffany…I could go on forever baby!
Drunk or not…if you don’t cry at the end when Alf goes to the hospital and waves good-bye…have fun burning in hell

So in conclusion, if you threw that baby on and I was around, I’d pop some corn, dollface!

So that’s what was going on at the end? They kept flipping between ALF and that girl in the window waving goodbye…like for ten minutes straight…and we just sat their with our jaws to the floor wondering what the fuck was going on. I think that was the point where our first guest took his leave.

Was his girlfriends name in the cartoon Ronda? Or am I confusing that with something else.

Matt, this might be a movie you could review:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0228687/
"When a childless couple learn that they cannot have children, it causes great distress. To ease his wife’s pain, the man finds a piece of root in the backyard and chops it and varnishes it into the shape of a child. However the woman takes the root as her baby and starts to pretend that it is real. When the root takes life they seem to have gained a child; but it’s appetite is much greater than a normal child."

Don’t your friends know the old Flemish saying, "If you want to visit a house where there is zero percent possibility of your host showing something stupid-but-with-nostalgic-value from the 1980s, for the love of God, avoid Matt Caracappa’s house!"?

They’re lucky that you only put on something really mainstream like ALF and not something a lot more obscure, like, say, Doctor Snuggles. (Okay, I’m sorry, I’m still really, really thrilled to know that there is an official Doctor Snuggles website, which wasn’t around the previous time I searched for Doctor Snuggles information a couple of months back.)

Is the ALF DVD really that bad, Matt? I don’t understand! My friends and I worship ALF like a second god. I just cannot fathom bad ALF. Are all the regular cast members in it, or is it ALF on his own random escapades? If Willy’s in it, I cannot see how bad it can be!

Oh no, it wasn’t bad, but ALF’s an acquired taste. My friends aren’t into all of this kinda shit, so for them, a Saturday night spent with ALF probably wasn’t high on the want list.

Say, have you got the G.I. Joe "Season 1 Part 1" DVD box set yet? I remember seeing it on your Amazon.com Wish List. There’s a couple moderately wacky episodes in that set that I’d love to see reviewed here, like "The Phantom Brigade", "Lights! Camera! Cobra!" and "Where the Reptiles Roam", though all the really, really good "wacky" episodes, the ones that would make the absolute best episode reviews, like "Eau de Cobra", "The Gods Below" and, my absolute favourite episode (for the lameness of the main joke in the episode as well as for the absurdity of Cobra’s Antarctic recreational base), "The Viper Is Coming", shall be in the second box set, which, if I had any money, I would buy two copies of, one for me and one for you because seeing reviews of those three episodes would easily be worth the $50-60 Canadian it would cost me.

Matt, did you see the Made-For-TV ALF movie from a few years back? Is it on the DVD?

I love ALF that would have been the highlight of the evening for me. Oh and ALF’s making a comeback he’s getting his own talk show.

"I am de viper. I haff come to vipe your vindows". You can almost hear the muted trumpets go "Wah wah wah waaaaaaaah."

Yeah, I think that the "Viper" gag was a bit of a stretch. But, the way it lead to all these insights into Coba’s plans was funny. How many of Cobra’s troops died because C.C. was searching for a possible info leak?

*random bystanders point and whisper, then run along to their own obscure 80’s shrines*

As good as ALF is at clearing the gathering, this movie is better. It’s called "Adventures In Dinosaur City" and even the most hardened of drunk/sober bad-movie fans will vomit in boredom. Its sheer inanity has cleared out entire PARTIES at my place, which isn’t a bad thing considering I didn’t want them here in the first place.

I saw that made-for-tv ALF movie. I believe it was called Project ALF or something. It was weird because everyone in the movie was being all serious about stuff and ALF was being his usual wacky self. I believe Martin Sheen starred in the movie but i could be mistaken. It was a pretty bad movie as i can recall.

""When a childless couple learn that they cannot have children, it causes great distress. To ease his wife’s pain, the man finds a piece of root in the backyard and chops it and varnishes it into the shape of a child. However the woman takes the root as her baby and starts to pretend that it is real. When the root takes life they seem to have gained a child; but it’s appetite is much greater than a normal child.""
That movie was on Channel 4 in England a few weeks ago, its pretty spiffy and the baby is creepy as hell

That comment about Alf only being funny when you’re drunk was totally below the belt. That show is much funnier/wittier than people give it credit for. It is one of the highest rated shows for Season DVD sets on tvshowsondvd.com And yes, Alf’s new talk show is airing this month on TV Land. Hopefully, reruns of his old sitcom aren’t far behiend.

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This entry was posted on Sunday, February 22nd, 2004 at 1:40 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.