It's time for Commander Frack and his troops to pay the piper.  In Cobra's Chia Plot: Part IV, our heroes finally get to meet up with the one and only Cobra Commander, who isn't too pleased with the pitiful sack of wilted Chia sprouts he's been delivered.  Will our friends make it out alive?  Will G.I. Joe make good on their vow to end Cobra's terrorist ways?  There's surprises and dead bodies at every turn in our continuing story about Cobra soldiers who grow Chia Pets.  Sorry it's late, been a busy week.  As for this week, many a new article a'comin.  Stay tuned…

I think it's time for another stupid survey poll thing.  Let's see hm hm erm ahm.  Okay, here we go: name your dream vacation spot.  I know it's a lame question, but I'm voyeuristically curious.  Your dream vacation spot can be anywhere on the planet and can be someplace you have or haven't already visited.  If anyone feels like getting extra creative, name the best vacation spot you've actually been to, along with the worst.  Post in the comments…

I've been amazed at the amount of "limited special ultra edition" cereals that've come out in this past year, but recently, the number has been unreal.  Whatever's fashionable with youth is now eaten for breakfast, and you're going to have a hard time locating a box of Cheerios under the piles of sugarcrap based on holidays and Nickelodeon cartoons.  Recently, I came across three that were just too unusual to resist.  While our kitchen cabinets are already overflowing with boxes of stale cereals once reviewed, I couldn't fight the desire to archive the existence of such strange bowl-fillers.  If interested or hungry, don't forget…these won't be around for long.  Now is the time.

"Special Edition Lucky Charms"
Lucky's back, and this time, he's really pushing the Irish bit.  The all-green half-foil box of "Special Edition Lucky Charms" features everyone's second favorite leprechaun peddling "bigger clover marshmallows."  Gone are the purple horseshoes and red balloons, cast aside in favor of a springtime collection of three different clovers and bright pots of gold.  The cereal's lack of its former variety is well compensated by the super-sized marshmallows — they're nearly twice as big in this "Special Edition," and don't feel anywhere near as chalky.  The game-filled back of the box features all sorts of stupid riddles.  "What has four legs but can't walk?"  IZZA TABLE!  Go Lucky, go go go.

"The Fairly OddParents Cereal!"
I gotta be honest — "The Fairly OddParents" remains the one Nicktoon I just can't get into at all.  I've seen a lot of people talk it up and pay it compliments, but for me, it's just too damn loud and grating to get through.  While I'm usually able to tune out the television while working, this is the one show that gets my ass running to the power button 100% of the time.  That said, it's an interesting cereal.  The pastel blue box is eye-catching and unique, and as for the grub itself…hmmm.  Described as "sweetened corn, wheat n' oat stars," I'd consider it more as the closest thing to eating a bowl of cookies for breakfast outside of literally eating a bowl of cookies for breakfast.  These things are more like cookies than "Cookie Crisp."  They're also covered in candy sprinkles, and the five-sided stars really do a number on your throat.  Also: why does everyone on this show look like a hamster?

"Apple Jacks: Jack-In-The-Box"
Well, Kellogg's has gone truly insane with the Apple Jacks brand in recent times.  First we had that whole "blue carrots" fiasco.  Now we've got Apple Jacks actually shaped like jacks.  Everything else remains as was, so I'm a little curious as to why this necessitated a huge ad campaign.  Are kids really going to be excited that Apple Jacks are now 50% jack-shaped?  I mean, if blue carrots didn't inspire big sales, what chance does this have?  I guess they're just trying to compete with a breakfast market that now includes ninja star-shaped cereal bits based on Nicktoons and marshmallow clovers the size of Iran.  There's a saving grace, though.  Mixing the old and new pieces found in each box, you can now play Tic-Tac-Toe while eating Apple Jacks.  The back of the box invites kids to join up with a team of hiply dressed preteen sleuths who solve crimes related to cereal.  That's an interesting niche.

Wrapping up the series, here's my review of "Critters 4."  It's the last call for the Crites, who do their best to make one final impression with the help of Brad Dourif and Angela Bassett's ass.  Not the way I envisioned the Critters saga concluding, but hey, at least they tried something different.  Set fifty years in the future, the Critters are back in outer space and ready to eat more people you couldn't give two shits about.  Review includes two video clips and three pictures of the aforementioned ass.

Toy Fair is a pretty difficult thing to cover, mostly because everyone is only interested in pics pics pics, and there's really not much to add.  By the time UGO got a video crew down there, I realized that my worth as a reporter had fell down to "guy standing in the background looking somewhat interested."  So, I tried to think of something different to add.  Here's what I came up with… Toy Fair 2004: The Best of the Rest features ten toys seen at the Javits Convention Center that — perhaps with good reason — you probably won't see covered anywhere else.  It's not just about Transformers and G.I. Joe at these events; there's more distributors than anyone could possibly visit in a span of three days, and while they're not peddling items that are going to see their stars shine in the aisles of Toys 'R' Us anytime soon, there was a lot of cool stuff.  Shrunken heads!  Inflatable ninjas!  Carrot growing kits!  Baboochi!  Check it out.

Monday starts early with the latest article, a tribute to Milton Bradley's "Crossfire."  It's the game where two opponents vie for the championship by loading, aiming and firing endless rounds of marble bullets at two weird pucks.  Plays better than it sounds, believe me.  I've also included a download for the old commercial, which had a jingle that's probably a hundred times more remembered than the actual game.  By the way, they still sell Crossfire, so even if you haven't thought about it in ten years, it's still out there, waiting for you.

Last night, completely by accident, I stumbled onto the quickest way to get people out of your house.  We've all been there — you have a few friends over, you drink a lot, time flies and flies…before you know it, it's the middle of the night and you just want to go to sleep.  An understandable predicament, but not always the easiest problem to solve.  This wasn't exactly the case last night — I was perfectly happy nodding off on the couch even if the guests were still here — but I've found the solution all the same.  It's a little known DVD called "The ALF Files," containing three loooong episodes starring everyone's favorite Melmacian hairball, ALF.  I suggested we throw the DVD on, because really, the only shot ALF has at being genuinely funny these days is to an audience of really tired drunk people.  It, uh…it didn't go over quite so well.  One by one, my friends scratched at their throats in quiet frustration, unsure of how to field their angst but thoroughly adamant about getting the fuck away from my television set.  ALF successfully ended the gathering.  Everyone grabbed their coats and didn't even bother coming up with a cover excuse for leaving: it was simply understood that they couldn't handle another ALF skit.  So, if you ever need to clear the home of people who don't live there, buy the ALF Files DVD.