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01/22/2004: Today’s Poll: School Troubles!

I’m working on a new article as we speak — should be up by this afternoon. Meanwhile, let’s get another one of those surveys going. Okay, kind of a shitty one, but I’m curious nonetheless: in your various travels at school, from nursery up to high school, what’s the most trouble you’ve ever managed to get yourself into?

I have a couple of good stories, but the best one is really embarrassing, so I’ll save it for the comments section later today. Post yours!

Posted by Matt. E-mail me!

Discussion Thread: 111 comments

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Well, I didn’t actually get in trouble, but it’s too good to pass up…

In my 8th grade science class, I was doing some work with this girl I sat with. We didn’t like each other, but fate had put us as lab partners, so there we were.

We got into an arguement over the correct answer for a question. It got to the point where she stabbed me in the leg. Three times. With the pointy end of a compuss. I got up and yelled. My teacher got mad at me, but when he saw how messy his floor was getting, he quickly ran me off to the office…

Ghosted by Mr. Mr. Mr. @ 01/22/2004 10:17 PM EST

I was mentally tormented from kindergarden through fifth grade, to the point where even today, I panic or get all huffy when someone makes so much as a teasing comment in my direction. Kids of both genders played practical jokes and called me every ugly name in the book. I yelled, screamed, cried, pushed, and shoved, but the only thing that resulted was my being sent to the guidance officer and/or the principal several times. Neither was any help, though I’m sure they meant well. They both basically said "ignore them." I did. The tormenting only got worse, especially when my body decided to enter adolesence at age eight and I developed curves Dolly Pardon would envy overnight. I was finally moved to the Special Services school for kids with learning, social, or mental problems, or all of the above, at the start of my sixth grade year.

I’ve avoided trouble like the plague ever since. I was scared shitless of the really, really "bad" kids in the Special Services schools who got into fights, and both intrigued and disgusted by the mature older girls who discussed boys, sex, and New Kids On the Block. When I was placed back in regular high school in my sophmore year (they had me going both places my freshman year, with the result that I felt out-of-place in both), I made friends and aquantainces in every clique possible. Drama geeks, band geeks, jocks, dancers, math and science geniuses, artists, cool kids, not cool kids – I knew at least one from every crowd. I was still teased a bit for my lack of interest in dating (the guys in high school simply did not interest me), but by that point, I’d developed my defensive shell and would shrug off their comments.

Ghosted by starwenn @ 01/22/2004 10:38 PM EST

I have another tale school naughtiness,despite what I said earlier: In my sophomore year of high school,I developed a bad habit of calling girls who got on my nerves or who were real bitches the "C" word. Some of them told my English teacher,and she told me I better stop before I got in trouble for sexual harrasment,so I did.

Ghosted by Overlord @ 01/22/2004 10:41 PM EST

First time poster. Have heckled Matt to write an article on Monkey Magic if he finds an episode or two but apart from that I’m just an old fan.

Hardly ever got into trouble at highschool, but I came close to completely ruining my future on at least two occasions (was never caught).

In year 11 (2001) me and a group of mates noticed that the schools flagpole was hled on with bolts, and, as such, could be removed with a monkey wrench and taken home. So we planned to go to a friends house (who lived near school) get drunk (Australia, legal drinking 18 but under age all the same) and then come back for the flagpole after midnight, then send postcards of the pole to the principal, in the age old tradition). We’d give the pole back anonymously a month or two later, no harm done.

So we get hammered, I kill half a bottle of vodka, and we trot off to the school. We get there, and a big friend of mine, whose like, 100+ kilograms, can’t move the bolts on the pole. We try for ten good minutes, but can’t move it. So me and a few others give up and wander around the school causing mischief (putting steel bins in random places, graffit, etc), but three or so guys go back to the house without telling anyone.

So half of us are getting drunk down at the schools oval, a bit depressed due to our failed plan, when we hear the others return with some extra tools, and one of them, the guy whose whole idea this was in the first place, comes up and says: ‘Guys, were not going to unbolt the flagpole anymore. Were going to cut the bitch down!’. I’ll never forget the insane look of determination in his eyes.

So the flagpole comes down, and we carry it 2 or 3 kilometers through a heavily populated area, then we cut into little pieces and used it to fuel a fire so we could cook sausages. I finish the bottle of vodka and throw up before going to bed.

So, the next monday back at school, despite our best efforts to remain silent, everyone in the school seems to know that it was us that cut it down. My English literature teacher (the BEST teacher to have ever lived, ever) came up to during a class and asked me if it was me (he laughed out loud when he first saw the flagpole gone, so he was completely cool with it). After a few minutes of him cajoling everntually I admitted it and he laughed his arse off. Then it started to go sour. Police came to the school and took away one of the guys involved for question, and the Principal indirectly accused another of my mates a few days later:

‘the reason we have to have gates put up now outside the school is because (now looking straight at us) some people come into the school, cut down things and then drag them back to their friends houses and burn them’. We were shitting ourselves. The cops kept away at it for a few days, but eventually they gave up, and we got off scott-free. It turns out that all the teachers knew it was us but had nothing but hearsy and rumours to support them. So they had to drop it. It was beautiful.

As a footnote, a few weeks later, when really cool english teacher left to go to Japan, we went to his going away party (most of the teachers were there) and gave him a vial of flagpole ash. He stood up in front of everyone (minus principals and Vice-principals) and declared that we had just given him flagpole ash as a present. We shat ourselves, but pretty much all the faculty just laughed at it and went back to drinking.

Sorry for the huge post. Hope it was worth it.

Ghosted by Damien @ 01/22/2004 10:59 PM EST

We used to have contests in middle school to see who could throw the largest item out the huge window during art class (on the third floor). My friend (also named Matt) was the all-time winner with successfully tossing a full-sized ladder out.

Ghosted by Justin @ 01/23/2004 1:20 AM EST

Nope, sorry, I was only a good kid, and I never got into any trouble on field trips, though, once, on a trip from my high school in Sainte Anne de Bellevue (on the far western tip of Montreal island) to Quebec City, some 200 miles or so from Sainte Anne’s, I didn’t pee the whole day because I was very "pee shy" as a teen, and we left Macdonald High School at about 5 a.m. and didn’t get back until around 10 p.m. and I went to McDonald’s and drank a couple of more Cokes elsewhere during the day, so the 200 mile trip home was agony, and, the retarded thing is, there was a bathroom in the back of the bus, I just didn’t feel like using it. Damn, that is embarrassing now that I think about it. If only real life was like The Butterfly Effect (now playing at a theatre near you; check local listings… a little plug since they’re sponsoring X-E). I’d go back through time, and, since tiny things in the past can cause great big things to happen in the future because of the chaos theory and all that, by using that bus washroom back in 1990 rather than holding it in, I’d probably be married to Taiwanese model/actress Shu Qi.

That Quebec City trip was infamous because one of the teachers and several students got piss drunk to the point where Mac High was so embarrassed that it didn’t offer it for quite a few years after, but I had nothing to do with any of that.

Ghosted by Steve Brandon @ 01/23/2004 1:37 AM EST

Well, here’s my story, shortened because I’ve gotta get some work done…

Not sure how many of you good Catholics out there had to go through "CCD," an acronym for something having to do with God. Basically, throughout the years until Confirmation, one afternoon after school (or in the worst years, on Saturday mornings) all of us kids had to head to the nearest Catholic school for a short class about…well, Jesus. Religion aside, we knew the truth: this was just MORE SCHOOL, and everyone shared a massive hatred for the classes. The teachers, usually volunteers who meant well, ran the gamut from overly strict to downright fanatical: in the year this story stems from, our teacher literally told us that if we weren’t at church every Sunday, we’d be going to Hell. Keep in mind, almost none of us went to church. We were only there because our parents wanted us to get "Confirmed" — for people only casually religious, that’s about the height of the participation. Plus, the rumor was that you couldn’t get married in a Catholic church without receiving Confirmation. That’s neither here nor there, so here’s the story.

Anyway, the school had this nasty old dean, and everyone hated her. Just an absolutely militant bitch who managed to offend, alienate, embarrass and yell at every student in the classes. And, since we were young, the dean was an object of great fear. As much as we hated her, we knew better than to do anything wrong when she was around. By our math, it’d only result in being hand-fed to the Helldemons she surely kept in her office.

Classes ended up being more like social events than anything else. My fellow students were the same fellow students from "real" school, and we behaved much more poorly than usual. This story takes place during my first year of junior high school, which as I’m sure you all know, is a time spent mostly trying to fit in and look cool. How did I reach those ends? Well…religious pornography.

Using one of the softcover textbooks we used throughout the years, I doodled extremely inappropriate, offensive things over all of the religious pictures. I’m talking serious, criminal-level drawings — put God and Mary in the worst positions you can think of, and I swear, my doodles were a hundred times worse. The students around my desk, of course, got a big kick out of these drawings. So much so that I made the mistake of letting my guard down.

The dean entered our classroom, going through her usual routine of walking between the desks, making sure we were all doing our work. I was too busy trying to LOOK busy that I hadn’t realized the open-faced textbook right there in front of her. As she passed by, she picked up the textbook and began reading. I knew what was coming, and God was starting to look pretty scary.

Grabbing me by the head, the dean dragged me just outside the classroom (close enough for everyone to hear and see what was happening, but the meeting was ostensibly in private) It was here that she informed me that my doodles were "a disgrace to her as a woman," orally tearing me at least sixty new assholes in the span of two minutes. I could hear the giggles coming from the classroom, but my biggest concern was just making it out alive. After being reprimanded seemingly forever, she sent me back into class with a blood red face and the startpoint of several tears. Yet, I still didn’t know which doodle she’d looked at. Some were worse than others…

I sat in my chair, and looked at the still-open textbook. You want to know which drawing the nasty dean saw? Using a picture of the Virgin Fucking Mary, I tacked on a thick, grasping wand of pubic hair that attacked all the religious icons she was standing with. Mary even had a word balloon: "TAKE THESE PUBES IN THY NAME OF CHRIST."

It was probably one of the worst hours of my life, and goes a long way in explaining why I’m not very religious today. I mean, what’s the point? I drew pubes all over the Virgin Mary. If I was religious, it’s not like I’d foresee great things in my afterlife.

Ghosted by Matt @ 01/23/2004 1:40 AM EST

Haha. Nice one, Matt. The best stories always come from catholic schools.

Anyways, I was a pretty boring kid in school. The only remotely bad things I can remember doing was throwing mud at the windows back in kindergarten or first grade or something. The punishment from the principal was just that I had to wash the windows. The REAL punishment came from my parents, who wouldn’t let me watch Ninja Turtles for a week, because they thought it was making me too violent.

And in highschool, all me and my friends did was silly petty shit. Like throwing TVs and old computer monitors off the gym roof. We stole a lot, too, but most of that wasn’t from school. Although, at grad, one of my friends managed to steal this really big, really expensive mohogany box they were using to keep the teabags in at the hotel where prom was being held. Still don’t know how the hell we managed to sneak that out in my other friend’s little purse. It was hilarious.

Ghosted by Evin @ 01/23/2004 2:17 AM EST

I won’t elaborate, and I’m not all that religious either, but I’m just glad you got that sort of profane (in all senses of the word) humour out of your system as an adolescent since I enjoy your sarcastic-but-never-too-mean tone you write with now just fine.

Ghosted by Steve Brandon @ 01/23/2004 2:22 AM EST

When I was a senior in my small high school, I decided to attend "BOCES’" graphic design classes. (BOCES was generally regarded as the place they sent dipshits to so they could work on cars so they wouldn’t fuck up the mean test scores in the regular high school classes. In other words: "Camp Retard.")

I used BOCES as an excuse to spend half my school day fucking around with Photoshop (which I still have no clue how to use) and acting like a wierdo.

Since I only joined for the final year of a two year program, I hadn’t had the "opportunity" the previous year to learn how to give a fuck about anything except my own entertainment.

One morning, in a fit of self-amusement, I stood next to the prettiest girl in class (pretty in a relative sense), and began rapidly unzipping and zipping the zipper on my pants. (I’m positive I was just aping an MTV commercial for their then-new show "THE TOM GREEN SHOW.")

Well, the teacher of the class saw me, found my behavior grossly inappropriate, and sent me to the BOCES Principal’s Office. (trademarked)

I’d seen the VICE principal before. He was all business, with a suit and tie, and he was a self-important pushover. Compared to him the crushed-velvet-track-suit-wearin’, Cabo-San-Lucas-livin’, Metamucil-drinkin’, 85-years-of-livin’ REAL principal should be a snap.

Or so I thought.

As soon as I get in there, the principal is already holding the phone, just begging me to give him one good reason to call the cops. "Huh? Wha? Why?," I asked. He then proceeded to rattle off something about "sexual harassment, zero tolerance, …in my day…to guys like you in PRISON?!!"

My ears were filling with blood so I couldn’t really hear all he was saying, but with the rate that this Ghost of BOCES Future was throwing stuff at me…I think I may have gotten something in my eye.

I was seventeen on that fateful day. And, no, I did not go to prison. But to this day, I will watch no original MTV program unless it bears the name Real World, Road Rules, Taildaters, Newlyweds, Jackass, Real World/Road Rules Challenge, Room Raiders, Wild Boyz, Viva La Bam, or The Osbournes. A guy’s gotta learn when to say, "No."

Ghosted by D-d-dave-some @ 01/23/2004 3:48 AM EST

biggest "innocent" trouble that i ever got into was when i was in 2nd grade, and a friend and I were climing on top of the toilet in the bathroom so we could climb into the ceiling(we thought it would be cool like mission impossible and stuff). The toilet ended up breaking =\

We got in pretty bad trouble for that.

non-innocent…..probably the time i got caught with 10 hits of acid. The teacher saw them and tried to take them away, but i hauled ass around the corner and ate all 10 and asked what the fuck she was talking about. Got suspended for 2 weeks. I would have been expelled and arrested, but there was no proof.

Ghosted by frank @ 01/23/2004 3:48 AM EST

Oh, and I have been accused of fscking up school computers before. Everyone pointed the finger at me because I was the only one who actually knew shit anything about the things. I didn’t do it, of course. I would’ve left a bigger footprint instead of just changing the wallpaper and installing AIM. Like leave the bitch without BIOS or a floppy drive, or distribute 3 gigs of hardcore pr0n .jpegs through the school’s mail server on an admin account. I’m still waiting to get back at them for accusing me of that, too.

Ghosted by Omni @ 01/23/2004 4:39 AM EST

For the sake of humor, I unfortunately never went to a Catholic school. I did however, go to a non-denomenational Christian high school for my freshman year. So on the last day of the school year, this guy I knew (who had his hair buzzed short) had some markers with him, and a few of us signed our names on his head, yearbook style. Later in the day, during the last period, we all got called to the principal’s office, where we had to wait out the rest of the day, and they even escorted us off campus. The principal said something about not wanting us to start writing on the walls. I guess that’s not so much trouble as an incident that makes you wonder what the hell is wrong with people.

Ghosted by marioshoku @ 01/23/2004 5:08 AM EST

I got confirmed because I was promised money…. if I only knew what i was getting myself into.

Ghosted by chad @ 01/23/2004 8:45 AM EST

I never got into too much trouble because my mom worked at the high school and secondly i was smart about my dastardly deeds so i never got caught. Although I’d say I almost lost it the day i decided to be a fucking moron and take 5 hits of acid before school started. I have no idea how I made it through the whole day without freaking out. It really sucked because everyone knew i was fucked up and kept fucking with me all day. I was suprised my teachers didn’t notice or maybe they just didn’t give a flying shit. Oh well, thats my lame ass story.

Ghosted by phunqsauce @ 01/23/2004 9:17 AM EST

When I was younger, I had to go to Catholic School, and I hated it. So whenever they’d let me on the playground, I’d climb to the top of the jungle gym and refuse to come down. Well, one day this really old nun tried to come after me, so I kicked her in the face. They sent me to the Mother Superior’s office, and before she came in, I’d grabbed the fire extinguisher and hosed her down.

I’m going to hell.

Ghosted by Lakini Malich @ 01/23/2004 10:19 AM EST

Ha ha… I remember this one great time in highschool I got in semi-trouble in Spanish class. It was a small class, since it was advanced Spanish, so it was pretty intimate, and we had regular conversations in Spanish. We were discussing a story we had just read and the teacher asked my friend a question. He wasn’t the best in conversational Spanish, so he kinda faltered a bit. We always ragged on each other, so I just looked over at him and said, as clear as day, for everyone to hear, "Puta!", and the class goes silent. (’Puta’, for those not familiar, is the equivalent of ‘whore.’)

Well, my friend died out laughing, but my teacher wasn’t too impressed. Luckily, we had a good relationship, so we just had a talk after class while my friend made faces at me through the classroom window. Definitely one of those things you had to be there to see. Zero restraint. Funny, yet very embarrassing.

Ghosted by Nachokhaki @ 01/23/2004 10:22 AM EST

Geez, not like there’s any kind of link between Catholic school/forced religion and later resentment of said religion, right? Beyond Mom asking me to say my prayers back when I was 8, my parents never pressured me into religion at all… and now I appear to be the only one here who still practices it. Not that I’m implying there’s ANY sort of correlation there, of course. Gotta love that whole "Believe what we believe or go to hell!" mentality…
:p

Ghosted by The Lucky One @ 01/23/2004 10:33 AM EST

Oh, and I got into big trouble because a friend french-braided my hair. Remember, I’m a guy and I went to a very conservative Southern private highschool. It’s a wonder I was even allowed to grow my hair long. Anyways, it was an issue to them since it was apparently gender-bending and borderline homosexual. Ha!

Ghosted by Nachokhaki @ 01/23/2004 10:36 AM EST

Well, in Jr. high school, I set up my own little escort service. My locker was right next to the janitor closet so I had a perfect location to set up my "clients" with my "employees". We didn’t have much money in middle school, so blowjobs were only $5 and sex was only $10. I’d get half and the employee would get half. Business was booming. I’m not quite sure what happened, but one client apparently left some "evidence" on the janitors desk one day, and he suspicious and left a video camera running in his office the next day. So they got it on camera, me taking money from some kid, giving it to my employee, walking out and then the two in the closet going at it.
So I got called down to the principals office, they had me arrested, i was in JD hall for a few months. I went to a new school, then to high school, but I dropped out. Those lessons in 7th grade taught me alot though. I now have my own real business going and am proud to say im making a fortune.

Ghosted by PimpOfTheYear @ 01/23/2004 10:58 AM EST

I was such a goody-goody, I hardly ever got into trouble. But I did something in third grade that I will never forget. There was this assembly with some puppeteer lady, who had overcome dyslexia or something so that made her special. Anyway, she let students ask her questions, and out of nowhere I snapped and I asked her "Does the puppet have stinky feet?" I don’t know where the hell that came from, and I didn’t get detention or anything (except the teacher did call my parents). When I was in sixth grade she came back, and this time, before she took questions, she asked that the students only ask "serious" questions. So not only did I scar myself for life, I also scarred this puppeteer lady with dyselxia.

Ghosted by Darth Monkey @ 01/23/2004 11:02 AM EST

Real quick look at a couple of reasons I was picked on in school: Being Native American and/or Having a near-genius IQ. Now to vent. I HATE SCHOOL1 I’M 34 YEARS OLD AND I STILL HATE SCHOOL! ADJECTIVES FAIL ME! GIFTED CLASS SUCKED, GOING TO A SCHOOL FOR THE GIFTED SUCKED, GETING TEASED FOR BEING FROM OKLAHOMA SUCKED, BEING TEASED FOR HAVING LIVED IN CALIFORNIA SUCKED, HAVING GONE TO NINE DIFFERENT SCHOOLS SUCKED, AND BEING HELD BACK BECAUSE ONE STATE SAID I WAS BORN AT THE WRONG TIME SUCKED!!! of all the cam-jammin’, Crack-smokin’, Butt-Pushin’, Spud-Motherin’, Asinine, Retarded Things That Have Contributed To Make Me The Barely Coherent Man I Have Become Today, My Entire Overall Experience With Public Education Is Not Something I Would Wish On MY WORST ENEMY!!! I would like to take all of our traumas and frustrations that have been spoken of here and toss them into the nearest singularity, but then, without my personality defects, I would have no personality. I was too geeky for the norms, but not geeky enough for the geeks. Ah, well….

Ghosted by kingklash @ 01/23/2004 12:40 PM EST

Well, I was always "the smart girl" in school, so I managed to stay out of trouble for the most part. I guess the worst trouble I got into was in the 7th grade. I had a crush on of my Tech Ed teachers "Mr. V." I was so in love with this guy. I found out at the end of the year, he was leaving to go to another school. I was crushed and literally begged him not to leave. Embarrasing. But the next year came, and he was gone, and we had a new tech ed teacher to replace him. I decided that I *hated* this new guy, because he replaced my beloved Mr. V. I made it very clear to him that I didn’t like him.

One day, I looked up Mr. V in the phone book and got his number. I called him up and left a message on his home machine saying :

"Hi Mr.V, it’s me so and so from tech ed last year, I just wanted to say that this year SUCKS without you, and I HATE the new guy, and I hope to see you again before I die"

I guess using the words "before I die" was not a good choice because his wife got the message, and she is a social worker, and she took that to mean that I was gonna commit suicide if I didn’t see him again, so she called the school, and talked to my new tech ed teacher, and he called my parents, and we all had this big meeting at the school…I had to explain that i was NOT suicidal, and that I just had a crush on this guy etc…
It was horrifying.

To make matters worse, when I went to high school the next year, I found out that the "hated" tech ed teacher was now my Computer Aided Drafting teacher for the next 4 years, a class I couldn’t drop since I wanted to be an architect. It was rough.

Ghosted by B-Dawg @ 01/23/2004 2:11 PM EST

I think my story is worth telling considering that half of you are prolly lying and most of you didn’t get in "real" trouble. I’m a senior in highscool so I still could do worse things in the next 5 months, but My shining moment of defiance came almost exactly a year ago when I was a Junior.

The new Quarter had statred and I was reallly not looking forward to going to classI was having issues with friends and my then boyfriend and the last thing i was thinking about was school. Now normally if i asked my mom can I stay home she’d say sure and write me a note the next day. As long as I passed my classes she didn’t mind me taking a break everynow and again. Well on this day she denied me. This of course had never happened so i decided I would suck it up and ditch anyway having it be unexcused. When I showed up to school I found two of my friends and convinced them to join me on this adventure, we ended up Going to the San Diego Zoo that day, Hanging out at the Mall and lying on the beach. It was really awesome.

Well when we got to school we were in a lot more trouble then we thought we would be. Supposedly the sister of one of my friends saw us leave and called thier parents. That morning she had supposedly threatened she was going to run away from home. So when her parents heard they called the police. My other friend who was driving us was now charged with kiddnapping since he was the driver and we had to be at school. The Crazy parent then proceed to go to the drivcers house to get his license info so the police could put out a warrant for his arrest.

Meanwhile at school all of our frined got pulled out of there classes for questioning

When we finally got back to school the driver checked his cell phone to see he had 30 messages. All saying what the hell are you doing where are you the cops want to arrest you.

In the end all of us just got saturday schools where we spent the morning playing poker and building card houses (are school isn’t that tough)

To this day a bunch of kids still call me Ferris Bueller. All True.

Ghosted by Ally @ 01/23/2004 4:32 PM EST

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Future of America.

Ghosted by kingklash @ 01/23/2004 4:49 PM EST

I ditched more school than I attended my senior year. I don’t think that even constitutes "trouble" even if you are dumb enough to get caught.
In that same year, I was a teacher’s aide for a history class that was taught by my english teacher. The big midterm that she was giving her history class was a map of Europe that they had to label. She sent me to the office to make photocopies of the test, and while I was in there I saw a kid from class whom she had sent to the principal’s office. I made an extra copy of the test (which again, was simply a blank map) and handed it to him right there in front of the principal’s office. He gave copies to his little friends, one of whom was stupid enough to leave a copy in another teacher’s class. It didn’t take long for the blame to make it’s way back to me. The only trouble I got in was that from then on I wasn’t her T.A. anymore, and should spend my time in the counseling office for that period. Of course, I simply saw it as an opportunity to stop attending either of her classes, which meant that for me, school started an hour later and ended an hour earlier.
I was coerced into CCD as well, and by my teen years I resented it enough to try and get kicked out of the class. I thought showing up in a Marilyn Manson shirt would be enough to do the trick (post columbine days, where a MM shirt and black eyeliner were enough to get you blacklisted as a puppy murdering terrorist). The other kids in the class were appalled, and asked the teacher why she didn’t care about the terrible shirt I was wearing. The poor old bird squinted at the shirt, and said, "Marilyn Manson? Who is she?"

Ghosted by squee4242 @ 01/23/2004 5:08 PM EST

I was never a trouble maker. My entire goal was to get through school as fast and un-noticed as possible. Well it didn’t always work out.

The only detention I ever got was in 6th grade, when we weren’t supposed to be talking during a math exam and somebody asked me how to spell sphincter? You see I can even spell it to this day! All I said was, "I don’t know." BOOM!!! Detention all the way.

Besides that I never did much. Had a few arguements about the teacher not letting me put guns in my paintings in art class(oddly even now grown up and being a professional artist I dont use guns in my work, musta been fighting for just the principle of the thing).

I also became a total smart ass in gym class. There was nothing worse than gym. Nothing more painful and embarissing(I have not one athletic cell in my body). So I just stopped trying. I’d screw up the games by calling ball and not going for it, etc… Besides all my gym teachers were either men hating lesbians or ex-military screw balls ala Full Metal Jacket. Fun to screw wit ‘em.

Ghosted by Don't Touch, Willy. @ 01/23/2004 5:53 PM EST

My big "trouble" incident was in high school… a friend (Hi, Andra!) and I wrote on the bathroom walls early one morning when we go to school… Just a couple of small designs on the tampon dispenser. Thought nothing of it, of course. Then, at about 1pm, we get called to the office. Thinking we could talk and apoligize our way out of it, we go to the priciples’ office and meet 2 of our other friends in the office. We had no idea why they were there! Anyway, without warning, the principle procedes to tell us that we are going to receive 1 week of suspension, we have to clean the bathroom, and this will be a "mark" on our permanent school records. They then procede to take us to the bathroom to find that our other friends had taken our idea one step further… they had covered the mirrors, walls, stalls, ceiling, and even doors with graffiti. Seems that the principle knew what was ours vs. theirs (ours was done in a different color) but we all had to be punished. But, it gets better! Next day, we show up to clean the bathrooms and the janitor gives us about 5 bottles of unlabled cleaners (each a different type) to clean with. Within an hour or so, the fumes from the cleaners have made us high and we’re having a ball… we even have other kids coming in on breaks to enjoy the fun. Word gets back to administration that something is wrong, and the 4 of us are sent home. Once home, our parents (including my friend’s mom, who’s a nurse practioner) realize that the fumes are on us and even after 3 showers, the smell isn’t going away. Next day, school admin. gets a call from my friend’s mom threatening to sue the school district, saying she’s going to due every type of blood test known to make sure we haven’t been poisoned. Long story short, school admin. got the daylights scared outta them, and we didn’t have to do detention! But I do still occassionally have these strange headaches and blackouts… hmmm… ;-D

Ghosted by Chez Zoot La-la @ 01/23/2004 5:56 PM EST

Here are some stories not my own.

A associate of mine started her schooling in England. While in Kindergarten her friend and her decided they didn’t like a certain boy and thus proceed to cut the tip of his nose off with a pair of dull kiddie scissors. She can’t remember what happened in punishment, to me that means she had those memories beaten out ah her.

My father started Kindergarten in a Catholic school. These nuns were overly crazy to the kids. If they didn’t clean up their toys after play time the nun would tell them they were all going to burn in Hell. This gave my dad nightmares about burning in Hell and nun laughing at him. Seeing how distressed my dad was my grandma took him outta there and put him public school.

Ghosted by Don't Touch, Willy @ 01/23/2004 6:17 PM EST

B-Dawg that is the most appalingly embarrassing story I have ever heard. I am so sorry. Holy crap.

Seems like quite a few of us were "good kids". Must be b/c we were so bored by not geting into too much trouble that we had plenty of time to study the 80’s in its entirety. Otherwise, we probably wouldn’t be here, reading about M.U.S.C.L.E. men and Mare Winningham.

Ghosted by trajeal @ 01/23/2004 8:51 PM EST

PimpOfTheYear, I’m sure that all happened, what are you? 8? I went to a christian school. Waste of time. The resident priest was found to be STEALING MONEY FROM THE SCHOOL. Good old father Peters.

Ghosted by Fitch @ 01/24/2004 12:25 PM EST

I rarely caused trouble either (but I frequently got punished for things other kids did to me), but here’s a story worth mentioning:
Near the end third grade (summer-time), I came in early from recess and sat at my desk. I began fanning myself with a paper fan and the teacher bursts in with "You know that waving that fan will only make you hotter?", but I ignored her because I only cared that it felt good RIGHT NOW (and in retrospect, I don’t think moving my wrist back-and-forth would’ve given me freakin’ heat stroke). Then she’s like "JEREMY! I TOLD YOU TO STOP THAT!!".

Also, when I was in 4th grade, I got into a really nasty brawl with a former-friend-turned-enemy. We were really going at it in the middle of the playground, but the teachers never did a damn thing. I don’t remember how the fight ended, but I recall his clumsy attacks not even fazing me as well as getting a good strike at his back (not to mention I was too fueled by hatred to allow him to feel he was anything but stupid and worthless), so he couldn’t have been that tough for me…

Ghosted by Rewolf J @ 01/24/2004 4:01 AM EST

Hey Cameron, your math book story reminds me of this bitch of a substitute I had in grade 9 or 10. I call her the Rotundra of the North, ’cause this woman was one huge motherfucking woman. Don’t get me wrong — I love curvy girls even though I’m a gym/health nut, but this bitch was O-bese. And a cunt. One day I showed up for French class and she was the substitute. She basically told us to do work in our book, but I had forgotten the book and told her so three times. I’ve always been a good student (as far as grades go, anyway) and it’s not like it was a huge fucking deal for me to do the homework at home. So I took out my Chemistry book and started doing that work instead. The next thing I know, this huge monstrosity of a woman is bearing down on me screaming her head off. She’s so huge that as she was barreling down the aisle (to this day, I sit in the back of my classes even in university) she actually got caught around the thigh area between two desks and she had to turn sideways and actually dislodge the desks and send them scattering (even though there were students sitting in them). So after causing a minor earthquake she plants herself in front of me and yells at me for literally five minutes without let-up because she "told me to do [my] French work." After she was done working herself up towards the inevitable heart attack, I calmly told her that I’d already told her three times that I didn’t have the book (I wish I’d told her to pull the blubber back from her ears). She just mumbled something about pairing up with someone else, which I did, but I was so indignant I just blatantly kept doing my Chem work and glaring at the cunt.

Sort of related to Matt’s story, I’ve always kind of had a warped sense of humour and I have a really hard time not joking around when other people are doing it or when something strikes me as funny. I went to a public school run by a bunch of Catholics and nuns (because everyone but my family is Catholic where I’m from) so, of course, humour is strictly forbidden. So one day when we were in grade 5, we had to draw a bunch of shit in art class. I can’t remember what the assignment was (but it was probably religion-oriented) and me and this guy in the class were both probably the most artistic and the biggest jokers — basically, we cracked each other’s shit up even though I was the smart girl and he was the jock. Being a particularly crude little girl, I guess, we decided to outdo each other drawing vaguely sexually related shit (to the extent that 10-year-olds know about this shit). It was just a sheet full of tits and vague genitalia. I was smart enough to hand in some bullshit and not what I’d drawn with this guy, but he thought it would be funny to hand it in and shock the teacher. Anyway, the poor kid had his parents called in and got a trip to our paedophile principal’s office, and the whole nine yards. The kids were pissed that it happened to him, but he took it with his usual good humour and grace and was totally my hero for ages.

That guy was the only thing that made those horrible sex ed. videos we had to watch a few years later tolerable. We had this teacher who was an absolute cunt — he was always on the rag (yeah, I know: trust me, he’s the first male to rag. I’ve had girlfriends less PMSy than he was) — and if we so much as snickered during a Sex Ed. video, it was a huge chewing out, detention for a month, and off to the paedophile’s office. And this guy was a sensitive brute: if you breathed the wrong way it counted as laughing. But those videos were just too funny, and he and I could not resist joking the whole time. Of course, we spent hours each week doing that thing where you desperately try not to laugh in class ’cause you know you’ll have your ass whipped: it got to a point where we were literally stuffing our hands in our mouths, tears running down our faces, turning purple as we desperately tried to regulate our breathing and hysterical laughter. Of course, once the lights came up, all that effort at containing our frenzy made us look like ass. The teacher saw us and looked shocked, but since we hadn’t laughed or done anything wrong (that he could prove) we always got away with it.

Ghosted by Molten @ 01/24/2004 12:45 PM EST

Omni, I forgot to tell you that the same thing happened to my evil genius boyfriend in high school. He’d always been interested in comps so, of course, in the early 90s when the whole system had a minor, temporary glitch in my backwater high school, the teacher in charge of the computer lab blamed him (falsely, and solely on the basis that he was the only one smart enough to pull it off). I’m not sure if someone else had caused the glitch or if it was just natural, but I know it genuinely wasn’t him. Since backwater schools tend to be filled with inbred, mullet-sporting ‘tards who love to see the two or three literate kids go down, a couple of people (like a pitchfork-wielding mob) also made up some nonsensical shit about how he’d done it. Of course, he denied causing the problem but the asshole teacher kept insisting that he was the only one in the school who could fuck up the computers (because, you know, computers never fuck up by themselves). Being the ever-sly and calculating evil genius that he was, and realizing that they were determined to blame him, he stoically took his punishment and waited until everything died down. Then, a few months later, he unleashed a bitch of a Trojan on the whole system that just absolutely fucked it over a hundred times worse than the original glitch had. He actually didn’t get blamed for this one, and felt compensated for his trouble. Evil Genius always came up with the best paybacks: I’m glad I lost my virginity to him.

Ghosted by Molten @ 01/24/2004 1:37 PM EST

When I was a freshman in HS, our mechanical drawing teacher (who also taught all the "industrial arts" courses) looked exactly like Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.

He wore a lab coat when he was teaching, because the course was held in the wood shop, and he was trying to keep his clothes neat. However, since he was no geeky scientist, he had a special black lab coat he wore.

Well, one day, we jacked a glue gun and some glitter from Home Ec across the hall, and wrote "The Brain" on the back of his lab coat in glue and glitter. He didn’t notice it, until we started snickering everytime he turned his back.

Well, he took the coat off and saw what we did, and we were ready for the teacher to friggin’ kill us. However, he loved it. Turned out, he was a wrestling fan himself, and he thought we were paying him a compliment by saying he was as smart as "The Brain."

D. Dodge Silver

Ghosted by D. Dodge Silver @ 01/24/2004 2:44 PM EST

"You’ll be seeing a lot of nuns where you’re going, TO HELL!!!"- Chief Wiggums to Snake.

Ghosted by kingklash @ 01/24/2004 3:42 PM EST

well hell I got into trouble a lot, but it’s because people acted first and asked questions later. the main one that was my fault was in 4th grade I was playing football at recess, the bell rang just as I was cathing a pass, I of course didn’t catch it, clumsy that I am. I went to pick it up and the resident artsy kid kicked the ball out of my hand in reverse charlie brown style. I of course biffed it. When I stood up, I looked strait at him, and said the worst thing I knew at that age "F%#^ you, you F%$^er" there was of course a teacher right behind me. I got sent to the Principal’s office, and of stupidly told him I was using my first amendment right to freedom of speech. I was forced to stand on the yellow "time out" square durring recess for the rest of the week.

My other best one didn’t happen in any way related to school, but I was a senior at the time. My best friend and I were gonna go over to his brothers house after school on a friday to hang out and do all sorts of stuff we weren’t supposed to. His brother forgot to leave us the keys. We simply broke in through the open back window and started burning cd’s and watching movies. there was a knock at the door, so my friend went to answer it. he was gone for a while and soon I hear a "BRANDON, ARE YOU IN THERE?" I didn’t have a clue what was goin on, so I go upstairs and am immediatly pinned down and searched. after holding us for about an hour while contacting his brother they finnaly let us go, but not w/out confiscating my pocket knife and brass knuckles. funny thing is, they’re legal in Idaho, so I got em back about a month later, and still carry them to this day.

damn these stories are long.

ok last one. I was an exchange student to austraila for 6 months. I was usually a good kid, despite what you may have heard, so I had my 18th birthday in austraila, the party went long enough that I was still drunk the next day at school. because of the size of my class and the limited dark rooms we had to have 4 or 5 people developing film at one time and there were enough problems when we were sober. I was having a hard as hell time trying to develop pictures in a dark room while drunk, and lost my balance. I had a general idea of where people were in the dark room 2 of them being what I considered the best looking girls in school, so I aimed for them. I got kicked from that class, no big deal, I had already earned enough credits in the u.s. to graduate. but the coolest thing, is that whoever that was, was my firt boob.

Ghosted by brandon @ 01/24/2004 4:32 PM EST

oh yea, I almost forgot in 6th grade my band (I was and still am a band geek, even though I don’t have a band right now) went through 6 teachers. and I dont’ mean substitues, I mean "you’re hired, be here on monday" teachers. there’s no way I could keep track of all the subs we went through. anywho, it was just a standard of all 62 of us not doing a damn thing. we just sat in the back and played games. the last teacher that stayed for the next 6 years got to the point of throwing anything she could reach at the kids when they’d talk over top of her or stupid stuff like that. I acctually got hit w/a drum stick (drummers rule!) when the teacher said "do you know the muffin man" (refering to the class to take out the music for that piece) I replied "no, it looks like you ate him before I got the chance" she wasn’t huge or anything, just a little "chunky," luckily because she knew what she did was wrong too I didn’t have to go to the musical administrator (my dad). I did whatever the hell I wanted to in band for the next 6 years, when my dad changed schools, as did Ms. Waltermelon.

Ghosted by brandon @ 01/24/2004 4:49 PM EST

My sister, not the oldest one, the one who died once already, got into a fight in high school, and won. But the principal decided that both girls needed to get punished, even though the other girl jumped Sis in the bathroom. Well, corporal was the type he recommended, and Ma and Pop were in his face like Galactus on a Jupiter-sized ChocoDile. In fact, Ma stood up for the instigator as well, asking why was principal insisting on paddling two teenage girls anyway? She was ready to bring up race as well, but a veiled accusation of perverseness was enough to change things to writing an essay. Principal tried to go over their heads and talk to the Super, but he is a distant relative and knew Sis never starts fights, just turns them into battle royals, and was the one who recommended essays. He was happy Sis won. She still remembers the fight, and tells her two sons about it.

Ghosted by kingklash @ 01/24/2004 5:20 PM EST

I only really remember smoking my first ciggarette just outside the school thinking it was OK outside and i wasn’t breaking any rules…of course the police disagreed and i’ve never smoked agaaain…oh yeah i also puked like ten minutes after in geography on a test then again in the tecahers lounge but didn’t get sent home because apparently i’d eaten a sweet while being sick?

Oh yeah and once i pushed some guy of a bench and his head started bleeding

Ghosted by Rory @ 01/24/2004 6:27 PM EST

once i put a gif of a masturbating peach on my teacher’s computer (i’ve since lost the link but i found it by typing "peachy" in google image search). it wasn’t really that graphic, he just had his hands in his briefs and his eyes were rolling about in ecstacy. the teacher flipped though, and i had to see the vice principal. it was worth hearing him say "masturbating peach" though, and i also got to show him the gif in his office, on his computer. plus both the VP and the teacher that happened to be in the office for this talk (unrelated to the incident but a former teacher of mine) were both jews. double jews means double funny, like kosher doublemint. anyways it amounted to three saturday schools, nothing that bad really.

of course much debate followed about whether "peaches and cream" or "tempted by the fruit of another" was a funnier joke. obviously, peaches and cream won out.

Ghosted by mikey @ 01/24/2004 9:02 PM EST

> masturbating peach

Hee! I wonder if I can work that into an essay. One of the things we had going at school was coming up with the most ridiculous dirty/nondirty pre-determined (before we knew what the assignment was) word combinations into school assignments. You’d be amazed what you can get away with. Like "masturbating naughty bits." Shakespeare’s great for that stuff.

Ghosted by Molten @ 01/24/2004 10:00 PM EST

My moment was in the making for years. Its started when I was in grade school when I got a habbit of "borrowing" things indefinently from people, action figures, toy cars, I didnt seem to have a gauge to realize how fucked up I was being. It never grew into anything big like shoplifting, just a thing here and there that I liked. It reached a climax my senior year when I swiped a DVD boxed set from a friend. He immediately knew it was me who had it after realizing it was gone but I held out on admitting, even implied that another friend did it *sigh*. Soon the whole thing blew up in my face as all my friends turned on me and rightfully so untill I finnally admitted to it. I learned alot about myself in that month, and in the 2 years since have been trying in everyway I can to try to vindicate myself.

Ghosted by Zero Handle @ 01/25/2004 11:01 AM EST

Ok, this post is a day late, and a dollar short… but hell, it happens.

The worst stuff I ever got caught doing in HS was moderately bad I s’pose… It had to be.

Being the biggest nerd on campus… I had a get-out-of-class free card. I just had to make up an excuse. So, that gave me alot of opportunity to do nasty things without getting caught, like pissing in the hand-soap dispensers in the bathroom, or breaking into classrooms after lunch. or during lunch, and pasting the ceiling with wet toilet paper.

Two of the worst things I got nailed for, happened in the 7th grade… One was setting the bleachers on fire [though honestly, we weren't trying]. Me and a friend started throwing lit "light anywhere" matches at each other under the bleachers in gym… because we ran outta hexpaper for our D&D map. One of them landed in a pile of empty bottles, paper bags, and other detritus… causing a small fire… which we ducked out from. But, since we’re the only students who didn’t participate in gym… we got caught.

The other would be the time that our English teacher had knee-replacement surgery, and was on crutches. Now, before I tell you what I did, and you hate me… let me tell you, she deserved it… she was a 90yr. old evil bitchqueen if ever one existed. Anyway… she had knee-replacement surgery and couldn’t stand up, or walk or anything without her crutches… and she’d once again confiscated our D&D books during the morning wait for the bell because they were "Satanic" [what ever happened to seperation of church and state?]… so, we one-upped her. We broke into her classroom later during lunch, and stole our books back… but amazingly, she’d hobbled off outside for a smoke, and we stole her crutches as well.

The probable meanest things ever, would be 8th grade… the entire year. I skipped class to make erotic claymation films in the library… I kicked random people in the balls… drug a guy around campus by his undies.

The worst thing I did though… was embarass our entire campus in front of a senator… Seems one of the FL senators was in town, and wanting a tour of the school, and some little get-together deal with the students…. so the faculty had to choose a cross-section of students for the "sit in" and since I had a decent record, and was a geek. I got in there… me, and my girlfriend.

Well, for starters… I decided to sit with my current girlfriend [at the time], and an ex-girlfriend, and a bunch of friends. So, of course… being young, and stupid… I have to be too touchy-feely with the girlfriend, which pisses off the ex. Then, mr. senator decides to ask us what we [as teenagers] think is wrong with teenagers lives today, I told him that it was a combination of scott baio and fred savage. So, I get ignored for a little while. Then a while later, back to the issue of teen-problems [it was like a "brainstorming session" for a fucking afterschool special], and someone asks us for our opinions of what should be done to help keep kids outta trouble, and offa drugs. So, being the ultimate posterchild for childish humor… I tell them, that in order to stop drug abuse, and violence, all teenagers should be encouraged to "knuckle shuffle the ol’ piss pipe". That single remark cut everything short, and got me lunch.

Ghosted by gesis @ 01/25/2004 4:55 PM EST

Oh, as addendum… I also got mad at a "game day" in the 4th grade… and pissed on a monopoly board.

Ghosted by gesis @ 01/25/2004 5:00 PM EST

"Knuckle Shuffle….?" That’s a new one to add to the list.

Ghosted by kingklash @ 01/26/2004 11:48 AM EST

i love all of these stories! i wasnt really the type to do naughty stuff but in my catholic primary school i just had this attitude of defiance. it wasnt until high school that i realised how lame my primary (elementry school in usa) was.

Ghosted by rachel cakes @ 01/26/2004 8:25 PM EST

Stories have been good, a lot of you start by saying how ‘good’ you were but your stories mostly seem the same as everyone else’s. My memories tend to be a disjointed mess, but I have a couple. In the 2nd grade, my school at the time had a bit of a hill leading down to the paved area around the school… in the winter we’d slide down and make it a slick ride. Some kids would bring their magic carpets till they weren’t allowed anymore, if i’m not mistaken. Anyway, one day I was going down (we really weren’t supposed to, and being a huge loner, I was alone at the time as usual), and I hit the vice principal who was out on yard duty right in the leg. I think I got the wall for that, standing there looking at it the whole recess was really upsetting, then had to see him in his office, and I was really upset, but thankfully he was nice about it (this at a Catholic school too). This guy, Mr. Phillips, boasted about his confiscated hat collection but I think he took me up on his knee (I’m a girl, so this in retrospect is… interesting), and let me off for all my apparent regret.

In grade 5, Robyn, who was a short little shit in grade 7, probably growth-stunted from jumping out of the tall tree in the yard all the time, got in a fight with me. I didn’t think I was in trouble but apparently I can’t fight and she just threw me down this different school’s hill again and again till I just gave up, and like a sore loser said "Fuck you," and then at some assembly a police officer stuck around afterwards to give us a talking to, or something…

Another time, in grade 4, my bitch of an English teacher, Mrs. Shields, made me cry over my mom calling to talk to her about being such a bitch to me… though I cried a lot at school, this time I ran to my homeroom teacher, nice lady, and then had to have these ‘Pow Wows’ with my school therapist Monique, or something, while she also referreed the teacher and my mom. That was all very helpful…

I was pretty pissed off after grade 6 when everyone started making fun of the me, new kid at this different school… I say everyone cause I always saw it as them versus me, even though I was told otherwise. I really don’t know how it stacks up to everyone else’s experiences with having been belittled, but I was an awkward kid who kind of asked for it. The ones who didn’t outwardly make fun of me were patronizing little pricks. A picture I drew of an Esso truck and explosives parked beside a crudely-drawn "school" building that I found on the back of an assignment from the time, shows how much I really hated it. After a while I just slipped under the radar as much as possible and gave them nothing to work with against me, so everyone just forgot I existed till almost the end of high school and I was happier for it. School sucks.

Ghosted by knic @ 01/26/2004 10:22 PM EST

Schools are good for one thing, creating clones. Educating oneself is the better solution to aiding ones’ needs in the learning department.

Ghosted by Anatomy @ 01/27/2004 2:58 AM EST

In 9th grade I got in trouble for not saying "Hi" to a teacher while passing them in the hallway. He held me after class and chewed me out. Somehow the principal got involved and told me to write an apology and give it to this teacher. Although I was a timid 9th grader, I was pissed off enough at this point to blow everyone off. Eventually everyone must have realized that the teacher was a complete wanker because I got off without real punishment. And ironically, in the 4 years of high school, I had that teacher for a total of 3 english classes and 6 sports trimesters. After graduation, he got his comeuppance because my friends and I found his house, drove an hour out of our way, and trashed it with eggs, anchovies, mustard, ketchup…

Ghosted by TwoEvL @ 01/27/2004 12:11 PM EST

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