X-Entertainment | New Article: Shitty Board Games!

New Article: Shitty Board Games!

Today's article focuses in on five of the worst board games I've ever owned, a list that will shock and appall you to no end. It's a good mix of old favorites and old hated pieces of crap. We've got games based on He-Man and M.U.S.C.L.E., Tetris, 90210 and the game that broke the mold: "Full House." Are you ready to party? On another topic, I changed the main page a bit. Got rid of the title graphics on the article list, swapping 'em out for text. Probably won't kill your eyes as much anymore.

Posted by Matt on 01/22/2004. E-mail me!

Discussion Thread: 295 comments

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i remember "mall madness" — i was mad that i didn’t get it (i knew of someone who had the game, it was cool back in the early 90′s) have another game called "meet me at the mall" — same idea, but not as cool

jumanji was released (i think) in 94/95 and starred robin willams and kirsten dunst — was rather odd and frightening (for a nine/ten year old, very creepy) — more can be said at imdb.com by all means

big fan of full house back in the day for some reason, i remeber the "don’t smoke drugs cuz they’re bad" — steph was using crayons to "show" how cool she was if she "smoked" (it was a rather odd episode) — i always liked dj’s boyfriend steve (he sounds EXACTLY like aladdin)

i would definately kill michelle tanner (olsen twins are byproducts of the devil and should be burned…grr…they’re eighteen and they make money from selling sheety movies and crappy clothes at wal mart…)

fyi: love this site (very random but still enjoyable for a college student to read)

Chestnuts roasted by happybunnydemon @ 01/23/2004 5:23 PM

turn the terrible tank, turn the terrible tank. The terrible tank is headed for you!

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 01/23/2004 5:39 PM

I am ashamed to admit that we own the 90210 twister game. Even more ashamed to say that I have played it. I will accept my punishment now.

Chestnuts roasted by greatrambino @ 01/23/2004 6:21 PM

Blimey! Tetrus bord game? That must have been a card board blood bath.

Chestnuts roasted by MillywiggZ @ 01/23/2004 6:23 PM

Matt, I’ve read almost all of the articles on the site, and I don’t remember ever seeing one about those sticker books that you filled by buying little packs of stickers that you could collect to fill in the sticker book. When I was reading about the pocket rockers, it reminded me of those because the little vending area at my backwoods school sold the books and stickers, and kids would buy the packs of stickers like mad. I even had one that was hockey-themed even though I hate sports. They also had a Nintendo Mario/Zelda one (back in the days of 8-bit) and I seem to recall a She-Ra one too, amongst the millions of themes that had their own book.

Also, it’s true that DJ wasn’t too annoying (compared to the others) but I totally hate her now when I catch a rerun, just because Candace Cameron’s brother is Kirk and I can only think about what a dink her brother is.

Chestnuts roasted by Molten @ 01/23/2004 6:51 PM

Me and my brother actually had a pair of some of the strangest, crappiest board games ever. I’m not sure if they were based off of larger, more legitamate board games but they came in the form of little audio cassettes. The one I had I could swear was a knock-off of Mall Madness berevified for the tiny size of the board.

Now you may wonder "if it came in the shape of an audio cassette, what’s the dealie with the board? That thing must have been microscopic!".
And you’d be wondering with great panache indeed. The board itself was hard plastic that tri-folded up and stored into the centre of the cassette-shaped holder. You’d supposedly "flick" the tape in your hand to extend the board. In a compartment on the top of the tape were some magnetic round peices. And there was a button I’m pretty sure that if you pressed it, made the tape wheels spin, acting as dice for the game.

You don’t get much more 80′s stylin’ than a board game that’s stored in a shrunk-down audio cassette. What made it awful? There was no place to properly store the instructions, and for an eight-year-old the rules for both games were incredibly convoluted. So that bombed once I lost the instructions.

Am I the only one that’s hair-tearingly afraid of that live action Last Unicorn remake? I have pristine clouded-over memories of that movie from when I went to my first proper birthday party for my friends’ sixth birthday or so (proper being watching cartoons, playing Twister, eating McDonalds and tri-colour jello bars, and getting a treat bag full of actually awesome little toys. Nothing else really rated on the cool-ometer without that combination of things when I was a kid).

Though I think I might have just been turned off by the badness that live action movies can do to something that was meant to be in a different format. Or vice versae if you consider the animated Lord of the Rings movie.

I myself never liked Full House. I didn’t like the result of that huge mutation of a family living together experiencing bad drama and sharing awful jokes. Plus I think I used the word "bimbo" for the first time in reference to DJ. I really hated DJ. The character, not the actress of course.

Though I wasn’t into the stuff the other kids were into, so I can’t dig too hard on people who did like it. Like New Kids (I’m pretty sure I swerved playing a board game based on them at a birthday party once), Babysitter’s Club, Sweet Valley High, or the other teenybopper type franchises I was just a bit too young to understand.

This is the trouble when you have to share everything with a brother who’s at least two years older than you are. You get stuff that’s way too advanced/crazy for you.

Chestnuts roasted by Tonnica @ 01/23/2004 8:13 PM

The board game I remember most from my childhood was this one game involving penguins that you had to get from one iceberg to another and float them around, but a big polar bear could eat them. "Polar Dare," I think it was called.

YAY! Matt reviewed the Tetris board game! Nice!

Chestnuts roasted by Freezair @ 01/23/2004 8:22 PM

Sheesh, Matt…twelve comments in one thread?

Shouldn’t you be working on updating the site or something like that?

Chestnuts roasted by Paul @ 01/23/2004 8:35 PM

OK, there was this game I had that I can’t remember the name of. I am inclined to wonder if it was a local monstrosity because I also don’t remember seeing commercials of it as a kid and when I got it as a gift was kind of surprised because I’d never heard of it. It was sort of like a tabletop foosball or arcade hockey game but with dolphins. Yes, dolphins. And they were playing I guess it was a cross between soccer and basketball (my memory is very vague here). There were two teams of dolphins and I seem to remember a high up net, though that could just be my stupidity. I do remember having a goal tending dolphin that squeaked when it moved side to side. The other dolphins were set into the little pool-ish playinhg area and you’d push a little lever on your side and the dolpin would pop up a bit and nudge the ball. It was out around the same time as Baboon Ball but I can remember Baboon Ball being about hockey playing Congo rejects. This was definitely dolphins. There was a little white fence around the playing area and stickers.

Not as good as Pig Pong, though. Nothing will ever be as good as Pig Pong.

Chestnuts roasted by Killer Duck @ 01/23/2004 8:37 PM

I had both the Sweet Valley High and the Babysitter’s Club games. The SVH was far superior. We actually enjoyed playing it, whereas the BSC was played once and tossed under the couch.

Did anyone else have Fireball Island? It was a relatively large game made out of raised moulded plastic about seven inches high in the center, where the volcano was. You went around the board and occasionally the other players would get to push a marble out of the volcano and hope to hit you.

I got it for Christmas one year and my mother has never let me forget the hassel she went through to find it. Especially since I only played it once or twice.

Chestnuts roasted by allicat @ 01/23/2004 9:02 PM

Does anyone remember the game Date Phone, or something like that? You had this monsterous pink phone and it would ring with some guy saying he liked you? Even way back then I realized that the guys were gay and could care less if they liked me or not. I played it once and tossed it under my bed where it wasn’t seen again till we moved.

Chestnuts roasted by Stacey @ 01/23/2004 9:10 PM

happybunnydemon-
The reason why "Steve" sounded like Aladdin is because… he was.
Scott Weinger:
http://imdb.com/name/nm0918334/

Chestnuts roasted by Rainbowfeet @ 01/23/2004 9:43 PM

Hmmm, Triple Zombie, I don’t think that was quite the same thing but it sounds like more fun. It sounds like you had a much better catapult (the one in crossbows is shiteworthy).

Dizzy Dizzy dinosaur. I still have it. I’m staring at it right now. It was great, but a family friend broke it when she tried to fold the board back the wrong way and snapped it in half. The dinosaur couldn’t role over the board with all that masking tape after that. Sob. Dinosaur still works but.

I’ve got loads of others, but most of the games I owned were pretty good. About the most obscure one was cat burglar, where you had to get into a safe and steal a gem without setting off the alarm.

Chestnuts roasted by Damien @ 01/23/2004 10:06 PM

Allicat- my brother had Fireball Island. It was a dull game for sure. It’s kind of amusing to see that mine weren’t the only parents who would tell you what hell they went through to get a gift. I remember WAY back one year for mybirthday I wanted Mr. Mouth (the original NON-FROG version, was a yellow head) and my father searched aall over to find it. He ended up getting it at a Toys R Us in EBF because we had no Toys R Us close by in those days.

Speaking of…anyone remember the game Cat’s Eye where there was the thing full of marbles and four cat trays and you had to fill up the tray with marbles and the only cat’s eye?

Chestnuts roasted by Killer Duck @ 01/23/2004 10:17 PM

Did anyone else play Guess Who?

God, I seriously loved that game. It was so fucking simple, but you felt like Sherlock Holmes when you won. Not to mention the fact that the cartoon pieces talked on the commercial, so you could totally associate them as being real people.

Chestnuts roasted by Chopstick Sensei @ 01/23/2004 10:54 PM

If you think that the jingle for Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaur gets to your head bad, you have not yet experienced the commercial "Pretty Pretty Princess"…with Gwendolyn, the ruler of the entire universe!!!

BTW: Do you remember "Tales of the Crystals", aka the D&D for young girls?

Chestnuts roasted by Carol the Theologian @ 01/23/2004 10:59 PM

Strangely enough, I once had to endure the horror of the "Full House" board game once when I was 7 and my mom took me to a friends house and her daughter forced me to play…. well it was either that or sitting on the floor waiting to leave…I think I should have chosen the floor

Chestnuts roasted by The Blue Meanie @ 01/23/2004 11:15 PM

Guess Who was neat, though the Duh factor was upped when the commercial had the disclaimer "Faces do not talk" on it. I did remember the Hawaiian Punch game. Making the little guy was fun in itself. Monopoly and Life, however, were the top cause of major sib fights.

In college, I spent my freshman year playing Mancala instead of studying Bio 101. I got an A- anyway…

I’ve found the place of Games that Sucketh:

http://www.educationalmedia.com/

Chestnuts roasted by Carol the Theologian @ 01/23/2004 11:19 PM

sorry..I was busy staring at that chick in pink on the right side of the screen. Anyway, I think that 90210 game looks scary. Hold me.

Chestnuts roasted by planet garp @ 01/23/2004 11:30 PM

Coulier gets a pass now that I remember the awful prop comedy of Bruce Baum from "America’s Funniest People."

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/b/brucebaum136881.html
"I don’t kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I’m way too high."
"I don’t know what’s wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."

BRUCE BAUM AND THE RED HOT CHILI HEIFERS’ "COWIFORNICATION"
http://killerstandup.com/brucebaum.html
"You can contact Bruce Baum at WeWantBruce@aol.com for almost any reason"

http://www.delafont.com/comedians/bruce-baum.htm
What Others Say About Bruce Baum
http://www.delafont.com/comedians/Comedian_Reviews/Bruce_Baum.htm

http://imdb.com/name/nm0062070/
Baum worked with Robert "Wax Face" Z’Dar
http://imdb.com/title/tt0303636/

Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 01/24/2004 12:11 PM

"Ungame" (some hippie-dippie feel good game designed to pry into the psyche of kids).

I remember that. It sucks.

If it was an ungame, it would involve taking pot shots at each other. The last one standing also would shoot himself.

Not very fun, but it would sell like hotcakes among the Gothic crowd

Chestnuts roasted by NOT ME @ 01/24/2004 12:31 PM

mondo coolers

Chestnuts roasted by :) @ 01/24/2004 1:11 AM

i think you should do somethin on either the tv show biker mice from mars, or cadillacs and dinosaurs. theyre both memorable epics of my younger years.

Chestnuts roasted by Ryder @ 01/24/2004 1:11 AM

You want to talk boring board games? Look around for a United Nations Game from the early ’60s, players moved their tokens around the board and drew cards, each with a nation’s name it. I think the game ended when every nation’s seat was full and one player had a majority share. If the players were patient enough to get to that point!

Chestnuts roasted by Lute Skywatcher @ 01/24/2004 1:50 AM

I had the little cassette-shaped magnetic board game things, just like Tonnica up there. I mainly used the built-in spinner to make its cool sound, which I interpreted as a warp sound or the sound of a laser gun whenever I was playing pretend with stuff.

Chestnuts roasted by Mars @ 01/24/2004 3:07 AM

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