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01/22/2004: New Article: Shitty Board Games!

Today’s article focuses in on five of the worst board games I’ve ever owned, a list that will shock and appall you to no end. It’s a good mix of old favorites and old hated pieces of crap. We’ve got games based on He-Man and M.U.S.C.L.E., Tetris, 90210 and the game that broke the mold: “Full House.” Are you ready to party? On another topic, I changed the main page a bit. Got rid of the title graphics on the article list, swapping ‘em out for text. Probably won’t kill your eyes as much anymore.


Posted by Matt. E-mail me!

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Discussion Thread: 293 comments

I think that "Mouse Trap" had an inherent design flaw that made it one of the worst board games ever: building the damn thing was so much fun it made actually playing the "game" unnecessary. I can honestly say, as an owner of the game since the 80’s, that I’ve never ONCE played a single game. However, on Saturday afternoons, after the ‘toons, I probably built that contraption on the living room floor at least fifty times… Alone…
During American Gladiators…
Gemini?

Ghosted by D-d-dave-some @ 01/24/2004 4:01 AM EST

D-d-dave-some just gave me an A-A-Awesome idea:
Construction toys that focus on the type of fun messing with Mouse Trap provides

Ghosted by Rewolf J @ 01/24/2004 4:15 AM EST

We used to use the Mousetrap board with GI Joes. It was an elaborate trap machine thing set up by Cobra and the Joes kept getting their dumb asses stuck in it. =)

Ghosted by Killer Duck @ 01/24/2004 4:32 AM EST

Pitifully, I never played with G.I. Joes. So I’ll just imagine it was Galvatron saying, "The trap is set! Here comes the net!"

In the same vein as "Grape Escape" was a game called "Splat." (I think.) It involved Play-Doh bugs for playing pieces that would get "splatted" if a certain card was drawn. I played, and enjoyed, it with my little sister even when I was a bad-ass 16 year-old.

"You can’t get away from IT! It. From. ThePIT!!"

Ghosted by D-d-dave-some @ 01/24/2004 4:52 AM EST

Whoa, I’m late. Some points I’d like to make:

- Good jeorb as always, Matt.

- I don’t think I ever even played the MUSCLE game, but I remember being excited about owning it. I mean, NEON characters!

- I could’ve sworn there was another He-Man board game that was much better quality. The cardboard figures were actually cut-outs and the game involved the characters carrying gray, plastic swords. I remember me and my friends would just do away with the cardboard cut-outs and use the action figures. Especially since the swords fit their hands.

- I owned the Transformers board game, but me and my brothers never played it. It was so big and confusing that the idea of opening it caused brain hemmoraging.

- Carol the Theologian: Funny you talk about that Guess Who ad. There was some documentary (I think on HBO) when I was younger where they were talking about commercials and/or kids. It’s all fuzzy to me. But they talked about Guess Who and these kids were complaining about how the cards don’t talk like they do on the commercial and how upset they were over it. And I watched it, maybe a year or two older than them, wondering what the hell was their problem.

Sure enough, months later, they added the line about cards not being able to talk. Cripes.

- I got a kick out of the DJ from Full House/DJ Cat line. This is because my brother always called her "DJ Fat" as a joke.

- On a trip to Mexico about ten years ago, I remember seeing DJ Cat’s show on TV. Only it was in Spanish. And not as in dubbed, but as in with Mexican actors.

The most bizarre and awesome thing I’ve seen since French Alf.

Ghosted by Gavok @ 01/24/2004 5:02 AM EST

…Dear God. Dear, dear God.

Joey Joke Cards?

I don’t think I can live on a planet that produced Joey-f’ing-Tanner Joke Cards.

I…I’m going to go cry now.

Ghosted by TheNovak @ 01/24/2004 5:24 AM EST

Hey guys, He-Man is about to die, and we don’t have a bad board game from the new line yet! Please do your part to save He-Man! Go to this webpage for more details: http://geocities.com/jt_carter/80s/

Ghosted by Jason @ 01/24/2004 9:50 AM EST

Man, you guys got to "Mouse Trap" before me. I lost or broke all the pieces before I ever got to play, but since I was an only child and didn’t have anybody to play board games with, I was a videogamer anyway. Couple of things real quick:

I was never really into the M.U.S.C.L.E. figures, mainly because I would buy a new WWF figure every week, but I did have a championship belt thing that had holders on each of the little plastic "plates" for the M.U.S.C.L.E. figures. We used to wrestle in backyards (before it was trendy), and I remember that belt being one of the most realistic toy belts of it’s time, and I don’t remember what happened to it. I think I lost it in a match.

Second, my ex and I always used to play Monopoly. We had about 12 different versions of it, including a couple of the "Late for the sky productions" knockoffs. Here’s a quick list… the bitch still has them all, so I don’t know how accurate it is.

Monopoly
Simpsons Monopoly
Wizard of Oz Monopoly
Disney Monopoly
.Com Monopoly*
Pokemon Monopoly**
Powerpuff Girls Monopoly***Star Wars Episode One Monopoly
The 60’s
Whoville-opoly
Make-Your-Own-Opoly

I think there was more, but I can’t think of them. Anyways, the ones with the asteriks have special rules as follows

* a Mr. Monopoly (that still sounds weird, why did they change his name from "Rich Uncle Pennybags?") token could be used, i think it was if you roll doubles or something, you could put it on a spot that you don’t want to pay rent on or something like that.

** When you rolled doubles, you could battle an opposing player for a property they own, provided they don’t have a monopoly on that color. you would each roll one die, and whoever had the higher roll won the battle

*** Cutout villan pieces, although I don’t remember what they were for.

Anyways, I also have that VCR WrestleMania game. We couldn’t really figure out the instructions, but I was like 6 at the time (the clips are from the time of wrestlemania 4).

Perfection was a cool game, but them pieces hurt when you step on them barefoot.

I had a game a long long time ago with the SuperFriends or something like that. I don’t really remember much, there were plastic pieces and I think buildings or something, anybody know what I’m talking about?

This is getting long. I’ll shut up for this post.

Ghosted by SKiTZo from stupid5pin.com @ 01/24/2004 10:02 AM EST

How I would kill Danny Tanner off (X-E extended version, yay!)

After coming home from a long day at work on "Wake Up San Fransisco," Danny reaches for his favorite sponge, getting ready to wash the sink for the 7 billionth time today, when the sponge, tired of getting chemical burns from all that bleach, comes to life and spits the bleach in Danny"s face. Blinded by the bleach in his eyes, he reaches around to find the sink, so that he can rinse his eyes out, but instead, sticks his hand in the garbage disposal. Joey comes home to find Danny bleeding all over the kitchen. "Danny," Joey says, "You"re messing up your kitchen. Cut – it – out." Seconds later, he realizes that Danny is hurt, and doesn’t know what to do. The kids are all at school, so they can’t help, so he yells out Jesse’s name. He figures that Jesse is in the basement, so he decides to go look, but alas, the red light is on. So he dials his operator and asks the number for 911. She laughs, not at what she figures is a joke, but at Joey’s stupidity. So Joey figures out the number on his own and calls. The dispatcher recognizes his voice and says "hey, you’re that weasel from TV." Joey talks to her in the weasel voice, then his bullwinkle voice, and then his popeye voice. Then sees that Danny has fallen to the ground and asks the dispatcher to send an ambulance. The paramedics arrive on the scene, but alas, Joey’s terrible comedy routine took too long and Danny had already bled to death. The end.

Hey Matt, I have this domain that I don’t have any clue what to do with, it’s toyaction.net. I figure you could use it for that "action figure theatre" thing you do. If you want it, you can have it, you just have to pay the transfer fees. Otherwise I’m probably just going to sell it off.

Ghosted by SKiTZo from stupid5pin.com @ 01/24/2004 10:11 AM EST

Come now, TheNovak…. They’re Joey-F’ing-Gladstone Joke Cards.

And I still don’t know why he moved in with them. As for John Stamos’ amazing career now, when he’s not on stage, or playing drums for the pale shadow of the Beach Boys (Wilson Brothers we hardly knew ye) You can check him out doing Collect Call commercials. YUP! Johnny-boy’s joined the ranks of Terry Bradshaw, Hulk Hogan, Carrottop and ALF… Now if they could only get that new ALF show back in the works. Project A.L.F. just wasn’t enough

Ghosted by Trippy the 8th Dwarf @ 01/24/2004 10:13 AM EST

Yes Gavok, that kiddie consumer documentary was on HBO, and it was produced to make kids aware about deceptive advertising, including a neat clip about fake food props (lard or Crisco in place of real ice cream because the studio lights would melt the real thing away). But the kids who complained about Guess Who were sure a bunch of dummies. Those idiots ought to be fed with that Crisco ice cream prop for that. My sibbies were laughing their butts off at the stupidity.

I do remember "Instant Insanity", a two player game with group of four cubes with different colors on each face. I guess that the goal of the game is to have your colors be on top. Weird thing, especially that they used Napoleon XIV’s "They’ve Come To Take Me Away, Ha Ha!" tune to advertise.

The Brunching Shuttlecocks have a Book of Ratings section, and it has ratings for Monopoly tokens:

http://www.bookofratings.com/monopoly.html

Ghosted by Carol the Theologian @ 01/24/2004 10:41 AM EST

ME, did you get "Wax Face" for Robert Z’Dar from my post in the blogs months ago, or is a common reaction to that stupendous face that Rob has?

Ghosted by Richard @ 01/24/2004 11:31 AM EST

I’m not crazy, I found a site with that M.U.S.C.L.E. belt thing I mentioned earlier:

http://www.newellsystems.com/muscle/collecting/belt.asp

Ghosted by SKiTZo from stupid5pin.com @ 01/24/2004 12:18 PM EST

You know what game I love? The Game of Life. But you have to play it with the special ghetto rules. Like the ‘Salesperson’ is actually ‘Arms Dealer’ and the ‘Travel Agent’ is ‘Columbian Drug Runner’. Also, you’re not allowed to buy insurance and you can sell your children or your car to whoever wants to buy them. And you have to be drunk. Then it is the funnest game ever. Oh, and anybody who gets Policeman as a career gets shot immediately and has to go back to start.

Ghosted by Gabbylicious @ 01/24/2004 12:57 PM EST

Here’s the synopsis of the first episode of Full House:

In the series opener, San Francisco sportscaster Danny Tanner, who works for KTMB channel 8, is understandably still saddened by the death of his wife Pam, who died 4 months ago. Danny’s mother Claire leaves to go back home to Seattle after staying with Danny and his three daughters D.J., Stephanie, and Michelle for 3 months in order to help out after Pam’s death. Danny’s best friend Joey Gladstone and Pam’s brother Jesse decide to move in for a few months to give Danny some needed help with the girls. Jesse moves into Stephanie’s bedroom, and Stephanie becomes D.J.’s roommate, even though D.J. would much rather continue to have her own bedroom. D.J. thinks everything that means something to her is beginning to disappear, beginning with Pam’s death, then Claire going back home, and now not having her own bedroom anymore, so D.J. decides to move into the garage so she can have her own bedroom, and the guys try to talk her out of it.
_____

Guess Michelle wasn’t a foundling child.

D. Dodge Silver

Ghosted by D, Dodge Silver @ 01/24/2004 1:02 PM EST

Instant Insanity is based on an old puzzle, I had a book on how to make one with wooden blocks, you can use different color veneers for the faces of the cubes or even coins. If you map out the faces, you can figure out how to arrange the cubes so only four different faces show along the long sides. What was the name of that game where you placed marbles on a board and then pushed sliding levers back and forth to make your opponents drop out? I remember the commercial tagline was a kid saying "I’m the sole survivor!" kind of like a bad Boris Karloff impression. It’s one of the (very) few TV-related things that has slipped out of the vast trivia database that is my brain.

Ghosted by kingklash @ 01/24/2004 2:40 PM EST

That’s the first one? Damn. And here I was thinking the one where Jesse and Joey try to change Michelle’s diaper was the first one.

*is embarassed to know that.*

Ghosted by Onslaught Six @ 01/24/2004 2:58 PM EST

Watching Mad TV with guest star Rebecca Romijn Stamos and my roommate asks me, "What does she look like?" I answer the best way I can: "She’s um…got blue skin and scales…" Roommate was unimpressed and accused me of lying. Roommate also thought Rebecca Romjin Stamos was Jesse’s wife on Full House. I said, "No, his wife WAS Rebecca but it was a different Rebecca. That was just her TV name."

Isn’t the song "They’re Coming to Take Me Away" as opposed to "They’ve Come…" ? Oh, and I think the person who said Michelle was left at the Tanner’s door was joking. At least I truly hope so.

Ghosted by Killer Duck @ 01/24/2004 3:29 PM EST

Where life is beautiful all the time, and I’ll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats.

Ghosted by kingklash @ 01/24/2004 3:33 PM EST

Reading this most excellent article made me remember the time I met Dave Coulier, when Full House was one of the top shows on t.v. I gained a complete understanding of what the term "total pompous ass who thinks his two-bit part on a smarmy sitcom starring monkey-faced children makes him a freakin’ deity" means. What a creepy jerk.
Whew, glad I got that off my chest.

Ghosted by sweet polly purebred @ 01/24/2004 5:40 PM EST

Yeah, if you had the misfortune of fucking Dave Coulier, why would you admit it, let alone write a bitter song about your break-up? Sleeping with one of the Full House men would sort of be like sleeping with a children’s entertainer. Or may that’s just my creep-out.

Ghosted by Molten @ 01/24/2004 6:12 PM EST

"It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced are you thinking of me when you f*** her?"

Scary to think of Joey Gladstone f***ing anything. And who is the "her" he is doing instead of Alanis?
If you want to see some rabid messed up things about Mr. Coulier, go to IMDB.com and look up his profile. Then read the message board topics.

Ghosted by Killer Duck @ 01/24/2004 6:19 PM EST

I wasn’t joking about Michelle being adopted, I seriously remember that happening… But it may have been just been something like "they were standing on the front porch while singing a song about child abandonment" (I was no older than 6 when I last saw that episode). I’ll just assume that I’m right and there’s a all-powerful conspiracy that loves to make me look like an idiot in instances like these by making sure all of my instincts and memories are false…

Ghosted by Rewolf J @ 01/24/2004 6:23 PM EST

You know, Killer Duck, when I’m on my death bed, there are three things that I’m going to kick myself for wasting so much time on:

* shopping for and buying so many handbags,
* watching bad Angelina Jolie movies on the (likely) chance that I’ll see naked boobies, and
* speculating online about the mystery woman in Alanis’ song.

Since I’m already going to regret it anyway, I guess a little more speculation won’t hurt. :D

Every time this discussion comes up, someone answers it to my satisfaction, but I can’t seem to retain the name of who the other woman is. One thing I do remember is that Dave was about fifteen years older than Alanis and she was a teenager (on the older end) when he started banging her. While he left her for an older woman, it wasn’t Rue McClanahan, Betty White, Bea Arthur or Estelle Getty. Now that I’ve narrowed down the field, maybe we can start making some headway. ;)

Ghosted by Molten @ 01/24/2004 6:51 PM EST

Rewolf, in hindsight I think I remember an episode where the guys are trying to take care of the girls on their own and accidentally leave Michelle on the porch in her little baby seat thing. Then someone remembers and go and gets her. I don’t believe any singing was involved but one can never know what with Jesse’s band and all.

Molten, you got me laughing and curious…buying handbags and looking for boobies…?

Ghosted by Killer Duck @ 01/24/2004 9:03 PM EST

I’ve sat through my own share of Angelina movies hoping for titties. So far the only ones that didn’t disappoint were the uncensored versions of Gia and Original Sin.

Ghosted by squee4242 @ 01/24/2004 9:13 PM EST

more on Alanis and Dave:

Throughout her career, Alanis Morissette has railed in a similar manner at an unnamed lover from her past, a mysterious figure described only as an older man from her days at Nickelodeon. But now, on the promotional tour for Under Rug Swept, Morissette has bravely revealed the identity of her bitter muse: Dave Coulier! That’s right, when Morissette had one hand in her pocket, the other hand was giving the finger to Uncle Joey on the 80s television hit "Full House." It was like ray-eee-ain on your wedding day when her and Dave Coulier broke up. And yes, the person she went down on in a theater was… Dave Coulier. The man don’t mess around.

This was taken from http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/record-reviews/m/morissette_alanis/under-rug-swept.shtml

Ghosted by Skitzo from stupid5pin.com @ 01/24/2004 10:41 PM EST

I have to admit that between watching/subjecting myself to Gigli, I was online half-heartedly trying to see if there was any info on the mystery woman, but I didn’t come up with anything. Anyway, I’m not sure what’s worse: watching Ben Affleck fake an orgasm or thinking of Joey From Full House getting head. You know he probably does the stupid Popeye impression during sex.

Must…scrub…the imagery… from my head!

Uncut Gia was indeed a good movie for Angelina titties, squee4242. :D There was a tease in Tomb Raider but nobody really expected anything in that anyway. Killer Duck: looking for boobies and hand bags are some of my favourite things (but I usually don’t do them at the same time. Though there was this one salesgirl…). ;)

Ghosted by Molten @ 01/24/2004 11:21 PM EST

A few years ago I found a Vanilla Ice board game at the thrift store. It had a gameboard and a microphone. You would place rhyming word pieces on the gameboard and rap out a song. Definitely worthy of shitty board game status.

Ghosted by cody @ 01/24/2004 11:24 PM EST

What!? Vanilla Ice’s board game shitty!? *cancels bid on Ebay*

Ghosted by Rewolf J @ 01/25/2004 12:22 PM EST

I NEVER HEARD OF NONE OF THEM GAME. AND YES JARED I TO REMEMBER A DRINK CALL MONGOS. WHAT HAPPEN TO THEM?

Ghosted by FC4 @ 01/25/2004 1:05 AM EST

Was in TRU today; looked at board games. Didn’t buy it, but saw a "Big Brother" game, based on the TV show. I got a kick out of, though, b/c the first thing I thought of was: "WAR IS PEACE. FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. IGNORANCE IS STREGTH" Great values to instill in our youth, huh?

Oh, and Oppurtunity is on Mars now! Hooray for NASA! :)

Ghosted by Cameron @ 01/25/2004 1:19 AM EST

Does anyone remember the mechanical game with four wheels, red and green marbles, and you had to trap all the marbles?

That game was loud, but it rocked.

Ghosted by Die Harder? @ 01/25/2004 1:22 AM EST

I can’t believe no one mentioned the Rubik’s Cube game the worst game in history….

Ghosted by Tikibob @ 01/25/2004 2:16 AM EST

I actually don’t LIVE in Chagrin Falls. I live in Bainbridge Township which is right next to it. I found it hilarious when I realized that the artwork on the back of The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes is a giant-sized Calvin destroying downtown Chagrin Falls!! Life would be sweet if that actually happened because Chagrin Falls is a stuck up, snobby bitch town.

One board game that sucks is Pig Pong. You used these hand held pig devices in which you squeezed to produce air to propel a cloth "ball" back and forth over a net. The problem was is was nearly impossible to keep the "ball" in the air. Fucking piece of shit…

My worst board game memory was the Christmas when I recieved the game Bedbugs from like 5 different relatives. Its not like I lobbied for that game, I mean I never asked for it from ANYBODY. The game was alright but nothing spetacular….

Ghosted by phunqsauce @ 01/25/2004 2:59 AM EST

oops- I meant Indespensible Calvin and Hobbes…..

Ghosted by phunqsauce @ 01/25/2004 3:28 AM EST

Yes, Captain Planet and the Planeteers are real: http://www.johnrm.com/cptplan/captainplanet.wmv

Ghosted by ME @ 01/25/2004 5:51 AM EST

I remember the marble game mentioned a few days ago. All of the marbles had their own little spot, and you would pull a lever on your side of the board one notch, and the marble either stayed or dropped through a hole in the board. I think there were black and white levers, depending on which side of the board you were sitting on. I liked this game b/c, as on only child, you could theoretically play this game by yourself w/o cheating.

Ghosted by trajeal @ 01/25/2004 8:51 AM EST

Ah, board games. I no longer have my kiddy ones, but I do remember them.
I liked to play Don’t Spill the Beans and Don’t Break the Ice.
I had such games as Pig Pong, Pizza Party, Ninja Turtles, and Inspector Gadget. I had games based on TV game shows that were actually fun: Jepoardy and Wheel of Fortune. Sadly, I abused my games and I lost many pieces from them.

Ghosted by JG! @ 01/25/2004 11:12 AM EST

Carol the Theologin: Funny you should mention that game! I was at Bookman’s yesterday–a used bookshop around here that also deals in other things like movies, music, video games and board games–and we saw that game! I looked at it and immediadetly began thinking: "DUDE! I used to see TONS of commercials for this thing…" my sister would probably love it.

Ghosted by Freezair @ 01/25/2004 11:46 AM EST

Ahh yes, I know what game you guys are thinking of with the marbles and levers and such. It’s called Kerplunk. Anyways, thank you Matt for bringing up the topic of board games. Now it’s going to drive me insane trying to figure out what the hell that superfriends or dc comics thing was that I had. I don’t remember much except the little plastic pieces and the buildings, and a quick search on the internet found nothing. And to bring the topic back to these so-called "makeout parties," if you add in a few elements, we had something like that, except we were all drunk and stoned and playing truth or dare and spin the bottle, except we had special rules for spin the bottle after you got past a certain number of times landing on the same person. The 40oz was a participant too, when you landed on it, you would have to chug. Anyways, the basic end result was everybody making out and going down on each other and feeling each other up. No, the guys didn’t do anything to each other, but the girls did :-D

Ghosted by Skitzo from stupid5pin.com @ 01/25/2004 12:27 PM EST

that wheel of fortune game mentioned in an earlier post, That used to be one of my favorite games, one of my friends used to have it. I was at the grocery store a couple weeks ago, they’ve remade that one and the jeopardy one.

Ghosted by Skitzo from stupid5pin.com @ 01/25/2004 12:32 PM EST

Kerplunk has marbles, but no levers. It does have sticks, though. I found the other game. It’s called Stay Alive!. Check here: http://www.neighborhoodvalues.com/nv/Toys&Games/035tg.htm

Ghosted by trajeal @ 01/25/2004 2:00 PM EST

I stand corrected. Hey, I know a couple of people mentioned the VCR Wrestlemania game earlier, and as somebody who owns the game, I think it’s hillarious that of the ones availible on eBay, one of them that is complete has no bids, but one that is missing the videotape has two bids. Go figure.

Ghosted by Skitzo from stupid5pin.com @ 01/25/2004 3:05 PM EST

No no no Pig Pong was great! Sure it was near impossible for a kid (or an adult) to assemble the "balls" and playing the game was just as hard and as exciting as watching paint dry but it had four little piggies with it!
Kerplunk is like the bastard child of Pick Up Sticks and marbles.

Ghosted by Killer Duck @ 01/25/2004 4:25 PM EST

Does anyone remember this game with clear-colored "bricks" that you had to knock down with a little jackhammer? I loved the game when I was little. But the jackhammer broke and the bricks were also broken or lost. :(

…maybe Matt already reviewed it…

Ghosted by marril159 @ 01/25/2004 8:55 PM EST

…or maybe not…

Ghosted by marril159 @ 01/25/2004 9:05 PM EST

Marril, was it "Don’t Break the Ice"?

Ghosted by Killer Duck @ 01/25/2004 9:11 PM EST

Or Thin Ice…memory sucks today

Ghosted by Killer Duck @ 01/25/2004 9:11 PM EST

It may be "low tech", although you’ll never forget the first time you played it.

My dad showed me maybe when I was six years old.

"52 pickup" sucks.

Ghosted by ibinsomniac @ 01/25/2004 9:28 PM EST

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