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New Article: Shitty Board Games!

Today's article focuses in on five of the worst board games I've ever owned, a list that will shock and appall you to no end. It's a good mix of old favorites and old hated pieces of crap. We've got games based on He-Man and M.U.S.C.L.E., Tetris, 90210 and the game that broke the mold: "Full House." Are you ready to party? On another topic, I changed the main page a bit. Got rid of the title graphics on the article list, swapping 'em out for text. Probably won't kill your eyes as much anymore.

Posted by Matt on 01/22/2004. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 295 comments

Worst board game I ever owned is easy—Transformers.

Of course, that’s freakin’ Jenga compared to the Full House game *shudders*

Anyway, speaking of Full House, I used to love Dave Coulier back in the early 80′s when he was the host of Out of Control, which is incidentally where "Cut…it…Out" originated. Odd thing, on Out of Control he was actually FUNNY. When he came to do Full House, he was annoying.

One wonders if Dave Coulier’s complete lack of funny was not so much his fault as his comedic talent getting denied a work visa at the US/Canadian border. I couldn’t believe that jackoff was the same guy that entertained me so much on Nickelodeon back when the network was worth watching and had COOL programs like Out of Control, You Can’t Do That on Television, Turkey TV (Own up to the fact that Ivan Tellalie pwned ur a$$ d00d), Count Duckula and the show that spawned it which was the best of them all, Danger Mouse (how I’d kill for a DM DVD set).

Anyway, those Joey Joke cards were…interesting. And by interesting I mean skin-peelingly bad.

So just letting you guys know that "Cut…it…out" was part of Dave Coulier’s crap excuse for an act years before he was doing it on Full House. I remember watching a rerun of him doing that and after he did "Cut..it…out" I mimicked the same gesture going "You…suck…dick".

Just to amuse meself.

Chestnuts roasted by Kev @ 01/23/2004 3:33 AM

Yeah, sucks that the cast was saddled with that whole Full House stigma, because they really weren’t too bad in the other roles they’ve had. Bob Saget is particularly misjudged — he actually has a good sense of humor. And Stamos! He was in the Kokomo video!

If I remember correctly, the series wasn’t cancelled so much because of sliding ratings, but because they’d amassed too big of a cast. For a show like that, they had a lot of salaries to hand out. Oh well — when TGIF first started being called that, I used to love Friday nights. The shows were annoying and crappy, but still amazingly watchable, and that two-hour block was a good way to pass the time.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 01/23/2004 3:45 AM

Sorry, Kev, we may have given America mad cow disease (which is a vastly overblown concern, but this isn’t the time or place to discuss that), but, nope, Dave Coulier is yours (assuming you’re American), not ours. He was born in Detroit, Michigan, USA, which is almost in Canada, but not quite. (Though I’m sure, from his French-Canadian-sounding surname, that he had ancestors migrate from Quebec or Acadia (Atlantic Canada).)

Chestnuts roasted by Steve Brandon @ 01/23/2004 3:51 AM

when was it that game boards were invented. i mean past the conventional ones like chess checkers and backgammon. werent like the first ones dont break the ice and catapillar or jumping beans. then they made UNconventional games like puzzlemania where you had to build a puzzle from game cards you found off the board which only consisted of 9 peices

Chestnuts roasted by reso @ 01/23/2004 3:51 AM

I Return! And an awesome article is bestowed upon me! I just laughed my ass off when i saw full house on the main page. Then the 90210 just made me speechless and i felt depressed and amazed at the same time while looking at it.

My favorite board games were candyland, chutes and ladders, life, monopoly(longest game ever), and uh, thats it… now i must sleep.

(”(@_@)”) Rawr!

Chestnuts roasted by heeloyd @ 01/23/2004 5:24 AM

Wow, that Tetris Board Game looks amazing. They should make a Video Tetris Board Game. That would be so cool. Actually, no, it wouldn’t, but, whatever.

Anyway, does anyone remember when the movie Jumangi (I think that’s how it’s spelled, but i’m not sure) came out, someone thought of the great idea to release an actual Jumangi game? I never actually saw the game in stores or anything, but I remember seeing commercials for it. It was just like the game was in movie or the book, only without all the wild animals coming to life and trying to eat the players. Either the people who designed the game were too stupid to realize that that’s the only thing that makes the game even remotely interesting or they were just hoping to con really little kids into thinking wild animals really would try to eat them.

Chestnuts roasted by gmfbrown @ 01/23/2004 6:27 AM

Oh My God… Remember in Amelie when she finally figures out who the bald dude is and the light flashes over her and she orgasms and floods the entire train station? I just had that shit happen!

OK, as a kid who played extensively with M.U.S.C.L.E.S. and who, like Matt, ditched them when they started turning purple, and actually got mad when they turned neon, I thought I knew all there was to know about them. I’ve even read most of the articles on X-E about them… I think. But one HUGE fact has somehow escaped me.

M.U.S.C.L.E.S. are Japanese spawned creepers! Not only that, but they’re based on the Muscleman Comic, which is fucking hugely known in Japan. On the picture in this article, Muscleman even has the Kanji for "muscle" right on his forehead!

The only reason I caught this was because some of the kids pulled out old copies of the comic today, by chance, before i logged on to read this new article. This is like crazy ass coincidence after coincidence. Fuck, i’ve got to re-scan the site now. Am I the only one who assumed M.U.S.C.L.E.S. were from the states?

Also, every Japanese person I know likes Full House.

am I the only one here in Japan? It seems unlikely… but possible i suppose.

Chestnuts roasted by Chopstick Sensei @ 01/23/2004 7:59 AM

I love my M.U.S.C.L.E. figures. I went home last year for my brother’s wedding and was looking through some of my old junk and they seem to be scattered evenely in every box and drawer that holds my old memories. Along with Garbage Pail Kids and Star Wars Micro Machines.

By The way, I really liked the M.U.S.C.L.E. Nintendo game. That was the Smash Brothers of the time at our house.

Chestnuts roasted by Stilewalker @ 01/23/2004 8:15 AM

Stilewalker, do a search for MUSCLE on the main page. I actually reviewed that game. Wasn’t a huge fan, but the characters were fun.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 01/23/2004 8:18 AM

holy crap, is that a gang-style execution happening on the front of the 90210 box!?
and yeah, dave coulier is from detroit. i know a couple people who swear they’ve knocked on his door, or seen him at the gorcery store or whatnot. i hope i never run into him…

Chestnuts roasted by urquidez @ 01/23/2004 8:36 AM

If Full House earned a board game why didn’t "Perfect Strangers" have a board game? The show was a million times better. Imagine assuming the role of Balki or that cocaine and speed freak known as cousin Larry. I could see dozens of "Don’t be rediculous!!!" strewn across the board. I guess the goal of the game would be to score with Jennifer or Mary Ann. How did Larry have a hot girlfriend? Larry seems like the type who would get busted with child pornography. I recently found out that Mark Lynn Baker (Larry) is currently starring in a musical based on the popular Frog and Toad books. How fucked up is that??

Chestnuts roasted by phunqsauce @ 01/23/2004 8:44 AM

When I was a kid, I loved the Far Side. I got the first (at least, I’m pretty sure it was the first) "collection" book, which featured a rare picture of Gary Larson himself on the back cover. He was sorta obscured by hiding behind a plant, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that he was indeed Larry from "Perfect Strangers."

So, at the time, I thought "Perfect Strangers" starred the guy who drew "The Far Side."

Kids are dumb.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 01/23/2004 8:46 AM

Crossfire….?

Is it anything like crossbows and catapults?

Crossbows and catapults was a game were two players built a castle on opposite sides of the room, on top of a little mat, with a picture of a throne on it. The object was to knock down the opponents castle with a toy crossbow or catapult until you could see the other guys throne under the rubble of his castle. It was great. Dangerous though. I remember one day we superchraged the crossbow with like the tightest rubber band ever and nearly put holes in the wall. Made the game one sided too.

Kev, there is a Dangermouse box set for sale. I found it a year ago in Melbourne for like 70$ Aus (50$ US). It was NTSC only too so it must be available in the states.

Chestnuts roasted by Damien @ 01/23/2004 9:08 AM

someone up there mentioned the garfield boardgame, which my grandmother had, and the point was to collect lasagna.

Another terrible boardgame was the ghostbusters game because you had to set up an entire fake cardboard haunted house before you could actually play, but it was actually a reallycool game with interactive background peices and stuff. what an awesome game…. I actually remembered it being horrible, but now that I’ve described it, I wish i still had it.

Chestnuts roasted by chad @ 01/23/2004 9:09 AM

Damien — not really, but that’s a good one too. I guess the best way to describe Crossfire is like an insane version of air hockey. They still make it, btw.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 01/23/2004 9:11 AM

That’s a scary thought Matt…By the way did you check out my link? KICK ASS video games remixes and remakes!!! Highly recommended!!!

Chestnuts roasted by phunqsauce @ 01/23/2004 9:12 AM

oh and Matt, I think you should can that side little section… I always read the newest article, and then the blog, and I’m betting that’s what everyone else does as well. I think you should put the all star articles up in that section instead, and make the list a little longer.

I really liked when you would pull a classic article from the vault on the last design… that was cool too.

Just some suggestions to fill the gap.

Chestnuts roasted by chad @ 01/23/2004 9:16 AM

Yeah, I think I’ll take your advice on that one. There’s a lot of older articles that I’d like to "clean up" a bit — won’t change the text now (I’d rather them suck and be as they were, y’know?), but a lot of the older stuff has bad images that I can do cleaner versions on now….not to mention a hundred articles that I can add com downloads for.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 01/23/2004 9:18 AM

Speaking of elusive cartoonists, Bill Watterson lives in Chagrin Falls, OH which is 5 minutes down the street from me. Since he hasn’t made any known public appearances for years people aren’t sure what he looks like. I think its cool that the guy wrote illustrated and wrote Calvin and Hobbes,which i think was easily one of the greatest comic strips of all time, lives down the road from me. I wonder why he is so secretive and bitter?
Oh yeah, I just found out they are making a live action GARFIELD movie!!! WHAT THE FUCK??? Bill Murray will voice the fat ass orange bastard since Lorenzo Music is no longer with us…R.I.P Lorenzo

Chestnuts roasted by phunqsauce @ 01/23/2004 9:24 AM

I’ve seen a picture of him — from what I could tell, he looks amazingly like Calvin’s dad.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 01/23/2004 9:25 AM

Maybe someone can help me identify an old board game that was advertised all over TV in the 80s. I wanted the shit out of this game when I was a kid, but never got it.

It was a "spy"-themed game, perhaps having something to do with finding "double agents." The gimmick with this one was a plastic-cased electronic device that you put in the middle of the board and it talked (or beeped?) to you, gave you instructions…. maybe even told you how many spaces to move?

There were two games for girls with this same gimmick from about the same time– one in which the hunk "calls" the girl on the electronic "phone" ("You’re right! I have a crush on you!"). The other was based on a mall, where the pink electronic device would help players complete a shopping list by blipping out things like "Sale at the shoe store!"

When I saw commercials for these two games I remember thinking how they were such rip-offs of the "spy game," how the game I wanted was obviously the greatest talking game of all.

Anyone remember this?

Chestnuts roasted by SuperLurker @ 01/23/2004 9:29 AM

I’d have to say the game with the WORST box art(i know i’m off subject kinda) is the classic Pop-o-matic game Yipes!!! It featured the mummy, wolfman, dracula, and frankenstein. Oh man, the expressions on their faces were funny but incredibly disturbing, especially Drac. He looked like he wanted to jump out and rape me!!! I was scarred for life…Although at the time I found the count on Sesame Street to be extremely terrifying. I almost shit my pants everytime I saw that bastard appear on screen. I’m not really sure what was the scariest thing about him. It was either his insane laughter or his purple skin, maybe it was his razorsharp portruding nose. His eyes were menacing and he had FANGS!!!! Well I’m glad I grew out of that phase…….

Chestnuts roasted by phunqsauce @ 01/23/2004 9:38 AM

I always thought the most unwinnable game was Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaur. Every time you have 3 cave men stacked up nice and straight the bastard would knock you down. It’s kinda like life, except with a wind up dinosaur…. Well not Life the board game, life the life… you know what I mean?

Chestnuts roasted by Trippy the 8th Dwarf @ 01/23/2004 9:51 AM

if you do take my advice Matt, that column better be called "the CHAD Column" or my attorneys will be in touch…

you should probably be more worried if I knew how the hell to spell attourney… attorney?

Chestnuts roasted by chad @ 01/23/2004 9:58 AM

I always thought D.J. from Full House was hot.

Chestnuts roasted by gabro @ 01/23/2004 11:16 AM

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This entry was posted on Thursday, January 22nd, 2004 at 3:55 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.