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01/22/2004: New Article: Shitty Board Games!

Today’s article focuses in on five of the worst board games I’ve ever owned, a list that will shock and appall you to no end. It’s a good mix of old favorites and old hated pieces of crap. We’ve got games based on He-Man and M.U.S.C.L.E., Tetris, 90210 and the game that broke the mold: “Full House.” Are you ready to party? On another topic, I changed the main page a bit. Got rid of the title graphics on the article list, swapping ‘em out for text. Probably won’t kill your eyes as much anymore.

Posted by Matt. E-mail me!

Discussion Thread: 294 comments

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Got the Jurassic Park Board game floating around. It’s got really neat little dinosaur pieces. Only prob with it is that it is impossible to win when you play as anyone but the dinosaurs, so it’s a little one sided.

But there is something perversly satisfying about enicircling Newman with velociraptors…..

oh and invader norbet, if it’s too horrible for words please at least post some pictures somewhere i’m dying to know how the ebay board game worked. What was the goal? To rip off all the other players until you had all the money?

Ghosted by Damien @ 01/23/2004 12:01 PM EST

Rainbowfeet – I have always wondered about the mystical "make out party" as well. I know that Blossom went to one too (memories of her and Six and turtlenecks).

As for the Full House "orgy", Gia certainly looked as though she was enjoying herself! I remember thinking she was a lil slut and that Steph was tight with no tits.

Ghosted by Kristal @ 01/23/2004 12:02 PM EST

Haha Matt, I just like that you managed to mention "Charles In Charge". That show had one of teh worst theme songs ever, and I love it for that…Oh, for anyone who cares (Duck, I’m lookin at you,) the Bowie concert was awesome! I’ve now heard Rebel Rebel and Ziggy Stardust performed live, so my life is now complete.

Ghosted by Gabbylicious @ 01/23/2004 12:27 PM EST

The best game ever that wasn’t a video game was Baboon Ball. My brother had it and it actually didn’t break for a month or so

I hate Joey on Full House. His stupid jokes make me want to attack my ear drums with toothpicks. Worst is his stupid "cut-it-out" thing. Although it was kind of funny when him and jessie were doing advertising together and they did the cat food commercial with the cats coming out of a briefcase.

Our frickin heater broke tonight. It is 12:40 am and we have a man from the gas co. in our cellar fixing it and probably making $1,000 an hour. And my dog in his infinite wisdom and thinking he needs to protect the world is barking like a nutcase.

Ghosted by Killer Duck @ 01/23/2004 12:46 PM EST

90210 Entangler has got to be the most painful game in the world. Well, at least it would be painful if both one’s given name and one’s surname also coincidentally happen to be the names of major characters on that show. (I get so much 90210 crap if I do vanity searches for myself.)

About Full House: it’s a show I enjoyed as a young teenager, hated as an older teenager, but now, at 29, I find myself having an overall positive view of the series in retrospect, because, while the laugh track was indeed obnoxious, that was just par for the course for ABC sitcoms of the era besides The Wonder Years, and I recognize a sincerity a lot of other family-oriented sticoms lacked, including Step By Step, also from Miller/Boyett Productions. And I do respect that they only ever used the Olsen twins (whom, believe it or not, are fraternal twins, not identical twins as is widely assumed) to play Michelle from the first episode to the last episode. The baby didn’t magically age five-to-ten-years soon after it was born (hello, Andrew Keaton on Family Ties… or, for that matter, Molly O’Brien on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, though there may have been a wormhole incident involved there; I forget, and I know of no sort of computer network which might have limitless repositories of Star Trek information which I could easily check). And, yeah, I like the theme song. Coulier did ruin Venkman though.

Ghosted by Steve Brandon @ 01/23/2004 12:54 PM EST

Hey… The eBay board game is actually pretty good. It’s not good for many repeat playings, but it’s worth the $4 you can (could) get it for at Target or WalMart.

Two bad games: Fetch The Ink!, where you play as a dude working in a publishing company (similar to Candy Land).

and

Bee-Safe or Bee-Sorry, a game designed for kids aged 6-8, but the game cards talk about the dangers of pornography, strangers who want to kill you, adult movies on tv, and so on. And this game was made in the ’70s!!

Ghosted by Justin @ 01/23/2004 1:15 AM EST

I had the He-Man game and it was a blast. I don’t know if Matt didn’t read all the directions or what but the coolest feature was th
at some of the spaces made the whole board spin. It’s hard to explain but you could be closing in on the victory when WOOSH the board spins and your way out there. THen again you could be suffering with all these penalties and then woosh up to the front. It added a whole wacky kink to the game.

Ghosted by Joe in ATX @ 01/23/2004 1:18 AM EST

Cameron… that train game you talked about, was that Double Crossing? My dad has it.

Worst game I ever got was the Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego game. I tried to play it once, couldn’t figure it out, and tossed it on the shelf where it’s been sitting for the last 13 years. I seem to remember tons of game pieces and a novel-like instruction manual.

A friend of mine actually has the Dr. Laura game. I refused to actually be in the same room when she opened the box. She also has the board game based on the "For Dummies" books. I forget the name of it, anybody know? The game is absolutely stupid. They should have replaced the word "Dummies" with "Retards." My friend’s grandma is one of those creepy old ladies with lots of cats who goes to every freakin yard sale in the city. She buys almost every board game and pair of shoes she sees. Kinda creeps me out…

Ghosted by xtacy @ 01/23/2004 1:20 AM EST

Joe, you’re sure it’s the same game? I’ve got it right here in front of me, can’t find whatcha talking about.

Though calling this article the "worst five" may have been a bit too promotional: only three of the games are really bad — M.U.S.C.L.E. and He-Man was just things I wanted to fit on the site somewhere.

Ghosted by Matt @ 01/23/2004 1:22 AM EST

Any crappy game fans here want the Carmen Sandiego game? Up for grabs!

Ghosted by xtacy @ 01/23/2004 1:24 AM EST

Now as for a really cool game that I could never finish- Shot Glass Checkers. I think you’re supposed to use beer, not whiskey and vodka. Tried to play it with my friend twice and we never could finish it. It was pretty damn fun though!

Ghosted by xtacy @ 01/23/2004 1:26 AM EST

I remember getting some cheap board games for Christmas. One was called Acrobat. It is like a barrel of monkeys. You had an arch and you hung bats from other bats. The goal was not to make all the bats fall.

Another game I got was spider wars. Each player had his or her side of the vertical board. Your goal was to knock off the other spiders. I also had a Dinosaurs card game. I have no idea what that one was about. “Not the mamma!”

I had the Turtles board game. The dice flipper became a catapult.

Ghosted by Fk27 @ 01/23/2004 1:43 AM EST

"Crossfire! You’ll get caught up in the…Cross-FIYAAAA!!" That game rocked.

Anywhoo, with all this recent fish talk, I began a reminiscin’ and a ponderin’ …what ever happened to that chinchilla? Is it dead or just boring?

Ghosted by D-d-dave-some @ 01/23/2004 1:52 AM EST

D-D-Dave, it’s d-d-dead.

The crabs, Siamese fish, cats, GloFish and parrot fishies all live on, though.

Ghosted by Matt @ 01/23/2004 1:56 AM EST

xtacy: Yes, that was Double Crossing. One of my favorite games, actually. Made by Lionel. I don’t know what happened to it, though Maybe in the attic?

Ghosted by Cameron @ 01/23/2004 1:57 AM EST

I remember playing that Tetris game at 2am at a friends house way back when it first came out. We couldn’t figure out how to play it either.

That’s not why I’m posting, though.

I have an incredibly old board game called "Exploration" that is based around (I swear) purchasing land drilling rights from around the world and drilling for oil. You put these giant plastic tectonic plates under the board and push a pin through the board to see if you strike a plate. There are magnets in some of the plates, which you can find by doing surveys with iron filings. I have no idea where it came from, but it’s so horrible I can’t help but love it.

Ghosted by BulletRiddled @ 01/23/2004 2:06 AM EST

Wow. 90210: Twister. Full House: The Board Game. You could get away with that kinda stuff in the 80’s, but during the 90’s, you threw everything out the window. The early 90’s was too weird a time for me to talk about. These games are perfect examples. I used to play the Tetris Board Game a lot, though never knowing what I was doing. I crushed the Game Boy version, but I’d just end up throwing my pieces on the floor and crying into my pillow with said board game. I couldn’t play my Game Boy for days on end. Thanks, Matt, you’ve brought back some harsh memories….

Ghosted by Armagideon Time @ 01/23/2004 2:07 AM EST

i semi recently aquired some strangee games from my friends yard sale one was BIBLEOPOLY the unholy game where you played with human sacrifices and bought bible chapters with those lives. Whoever had the most worshipers won. The other one was called DINO-MITE and you used cool little dino figures to manuver around the board and avoid tarpits without becoming EXTINCT.

Ghosted by reso @ 01/23/2004 2:08 AM EST

also i need to know what cross fire was the game is so familiar but i cant remember it would someone post what it was.

Ghosted by reso @ 01/23/2004 2:14 AM EST

Kristal- thanks! I’m glad I’m not the only one thinking about that. I brought it up at a friend’s house and they brought up the Blossom example as well. I wouldn’t know, I never watched that show. I swear some other shows dealt with make-out parties, too, but it’s late and I can’t think of anything.

Man, Crossfire. I never came into contact with the game, but I remember the commercial well. I probably could have gone the rest of my life without ever thinking of it again. Thanks, D-d-dave.

Ghosted by Rainbowfeet @ 01/23/2004 2:25 AM EST

Crossfire involved shooting little metal balls ("BB’s?") into a battle arena. That, by default, makes it the coolest game this side of Thunderdome.

Ghosted by D-d-dave-some @ 01/23/2004 2:29 AM EST

Your description of Steph it´s the most near-to-truth.
DJ looks a little like Nadine Janssen

Ghosted by Erasmo @ 01/23/2004 2:34 AM EST

Dont feel like goin through the whole list of posts here…just had to chime in.

The only bad thing I see about the Full House game is the fact its Jesse and Joey sans mullets.

I’m tryin to remember a board game the neighbor kid had when i was young…ya built a castle or a mansion, there were hidden passages maybe? I dunno, i can tell ya it was pretty fun, any game you have to build always rocked. Maybe the game itself was nothing but spin and move, but you got to build.

Ghosted by JimCognito @ 01/23/2004 2:50 AM EST

Crossfire was an OK game. I realize it is pretty popular with the "reminiscing" crowd but I have to wonder how many of those people actually played it. You have the guns, the balls and the little rolly target things. You need to use the balls to get the targets to the opponent’s side. Not as simple as it sounds. Especially after you inevitably start losing the little balls. Pretty soon you have one left and have to take turns with it…

I was watching the tube a bit ago and was reminded of another old game we had. The Hawaiian Punch game. You made little clay dudes (with the included mold) in different colors and that was your playing piece. There was a plastic piece that was the Punchy guy and if you landed on certain spaces Punchy would flatten your dude. You’d have to go back to start and remold.

Ghosted by Killer Duck @ 01/23/2004 2:59 AM EST

The worst board game I ever had the misfortune of owning was some stupid sailing game which came complete with cryptic instructions ordering you to throw the dices over and over for like a million times every turn to get authentic wind conditions or something.. and the most boring time ever was had by all. I think we played it only once and that was more than enough..

Ghosted by Iivuli @ 01/23/2004 3:00 AM EST

Worst board game I ever owned is easy—Transformers.

Of course, that’s freakin’ Jenga compared to the Full House game *shudders*

Anyway, speaking of Full House, I used to love Dave Coulier back in the early 80’s when he was the host of Out of Control, which is incidentally where "Cut…it…Out" originated. Odd thing, on Out of Control he was actually FUNNY. When he came to do Full House, he was annoying.

One wonders if Dave Coulier’s complete lack of funny was not so much his fault as his comedic talent getting denied a work visa at the US/Canadian border. I couldn’t believe that jackoff was the same guy that entertained me so much on Nickelodeon back when the network was worth watching and had COOL programs like Out of Control, You Can’t Do That on Television, Turkey TV (Own up to the fact that Ivan Tellalie pwned ur a$$ d00d), Count Duckula and the show that spawned it which was the best of them all, Danger Mouse (how I’d kill for a DM DVD set).

Anyway, those Joey Joke cards were…interesting. And by interesting I mean skin-peelingly bad.

So just letting you guys know that "Cut…it…out" was part of Dave Coulier’s crap excuse for an act years before he was doing it on Full House. I remember watching a rerun of him doing that and after he did "Cut..it…out" I mimicked the same gesture going "You…suck…dick".

Just to amuse meself.

Ghosted by Kev @ 01/23/2004 3:33 AM EST

Yeah, sucks that the cast was saddled with that whole Full House stigma, because they really weren’t too bad in the other roles they’ve had. Bob Saget is particularly misjudged — he actually has a good sense of humor. And Stamos! He was in the Kokomo video!

If I remember correctly, the series wasn’t cancelled so much because of sliding ratings, but because they’d amassed too big of a cast. For a show like that, they had a lot of salaries to hand out. Oh well — when TGIF first started being called that, I used to love Friday nights. The shows were annoying and crappy, but still amazingly watchable, and that two-hour block was a good way to pass the time.

Ghosted by Matt @ 01/23/2004 3:45 AM EST

Sorry, Kev, we may have given America mad cow disease (which is a vastly overblown concern, but this isn’t the time or place to discuss that), but, nope, Dave Coulier is yours (assuming you’re American), not ours. He was born in Detroit, Michigan, USA, which is almost in Canada, but not quite. (Though I’m sure, from his French-Canadian-sounding surname, that he had ancestors migrate from Quebec or Acadia (Atlantic Canada).)

Ghosted by Steve Brandon @ 01/23/2004 3:51 AM EST

when was it that game boards were invented. i mean past the conventional ones like chess checkers and backgammon. werent like the first ones dont break the ice and catapillar or jumping beans. then they made UNconventional games like puzzlemania where you had to build a puzzle from game cards you found off the board which only consisted of 9 peices

Ghosted by reso @ 01/23/2004 3:51 AM EST

I Return! And an awesome article is bestowed upon me! I just laughed my ass off when i saw full house on the main page. Then the 90210 just made me speechless and i felt depressed and amazed at the same time while looking at it.

My favorite board games were candyland, chutes and ladders, life, monopoly(longest game ever), and uh, thats it… now i must sleep.

(”(@_@)”) Rawr!

Ghosted by heeloyd @ 01/23/2004 5:24 AM EST

Wow, that Tetris Board Game looks amazing. They should make a Video Tetris Board Game. That would be so cool. Actually, no, it wouldn’t, but, whatever.

Anyway, does anyone remember when the movie Jumangi (I think that’s how it’s spelled, but i’m not sure) came out, someone thought of the great idea to release an actual Jumangi game? I never actually saw the game in stores or anything, but I remember seeing commercials for it. It was just like the game was in movie or the book, only without all the wild animals coming to life and trying to eat the players. Either the people who designed the game were too stupid to realize that that’s the only thing that makes the game even remotely interesting or they were just hoping to con really little kids into thinking wild animals really would try to eat them.

Ghosted by gmfbrown @ 01/23/2004 6:27 AM EST

Oh My God… Remember in Amelie when she finally figures out who the bald dude is and the light flashes over her and she orgasms and floods the entire train station? I just had that shit happen!

OK, as a kid who played extensively with M.U.S.C.L.E.S. and who, like Matt, ditched them when they started turning purple, and actually got mad when they turned neon, I thought I knew all there was to know about them. I’ve even read most of the articles on X-E about them… I think. But one HUGE fact has somehow escaped me.

M.U.S.C.L.E.S. are Japanese spawned creepers! Not only that, but they’re based on the Muscleman Comic, which is fucking hugely known in Japan. On the picture in this article, Muscleman even has the Kanji for "muscle" right on his forehead!

The only reason I caught this was because some of the kids pulled out old copies of the comic today, by chance, before i logged on to read this new article. This is like crazy ass coincidence after coincidence. Fuck, i’ve got to re-scan the site now. Am I the only one who assumed M.U.S.C.L.E.S. were from the states?

Also, every Japanese person I know likes Full House.

am I the only one here in Japan? It seems unlikely… but possible i suppose.

Ghosted by Chopstick Sensei @ 01/23/2004 7:59 AM EST

I love my M.U.S.C.L.E. figures. I went home last year for my brother’s wedding and was looking through some of my old junk and they seem to be scattered evenely in every box and drawer that holds my old memories. Along with Garbage Pail Kids and Star Wars Micro Machines.

By The way, I really liked the M.U.S.C.L.E. Nintendo game. That was the Smash Brothers of the time at our house.

Ghosted by Stilewalker @ 01/23/2004 8:15 AM EST

Stilewalker, do a search for MUSCLE on the main page. I actually reviewed that game. Wasn’t a huge fan, but the characters were fun.

Ghosted by Matt @ 01/23/2004 8:18 AM EST

holy crap, is that a gang-style execution happening on the front of the 90210 box!?
and yeah, dave coulier is from detroit. i know a couple people who swear they’ve knocked on his door, or seen him at the gorcery store or whatnot. i hope i never run into him…

Ghosted by urquidez @ 01/23/2004 8:36 AM EST

If Full House earned a board game why didn’t "Perfect Strangers" have a board game? The show was a million times better. Imagine assuming the role of Balki or that cocaine and speed freak known as cousin Larry. I could see dozens of "Don’t be rediculous!!!" strewn across the board. I guess the goal of the game would be to score with Jennifer or Mary Ann. How did Larry have a hot girlfriend? Larry seems like the type who would get busted with child pornography. I recently found out that Mark Lynn Baker (Larry) is currently starring in a musical based on the popular Frog and Toad books. How fucked up is that??

Ghosted by phunqsauce @ 01/23/2004 8:44 AM EST

When I was a kid, I loved the Far Side. I got the first (at least, I’m pretty sure it was the first) "collection" book, which featured a rare picture of Gary Larson himself on the back cover. He was sorta obscured by hiding behind a plant, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that he was indeed Larry from "Perfect Strangers."

So, at the time, I thought "Perfect Strangers" starred the guy who drew "The Far Side."

Kids are dumb.

Ghosted by Matt @ 01/23/2004 8:46 AM EST

Crossfire….?

Is it anything like crossbows and catapults?

Crossbows and catapults was a game were two players built a castle on opposite sides of the room, on top of a little mat, with a picture of a throne on it. The object was to knock down the opponents castle with a toy crossbow or catapult until you could see the other guys throne under the rubble of his castle. It was great. Dangerous though. I remember one day we superchraged the crossbow with like the tightest rubber band ever and nearly put holes in the wall. Made the game one sided too.

Kev, there is a Dangermouse box set for sale. I found it a year ago in Melbourne for like 70$ Aus (50$ US). It was NTSC only too so it must be available in the states.

Ghosted by Damien @ 01/23/2004 9:08 AM EST

someone up there mentioned the garfield boardgame, which my grandmother had, and the point was to collect lasagna.

Another terrible boardgame was the ghostbusters game because you had to set up an entire fake cardboard haunted house before you could actually play, but it was actually a reallycool game with interactive background peices and stuff. what an awesome game…. I actually remembered it being horrible, but now that I’ve described it, I wish i still had it.

Ghosted by chad @ 01/23/2004 9:09 AM EST

Damien — not really, but that’s a good one too. I guess the best way to describe Crossfire is like an insane version of air hockey. They still make it, btw.

Ghosted by Matt @ 01/23/2004 9:11 AM EST

That’s a scary thought Matt…By the way did you check out my link? KICK ASS video games remixes and remakes!!! Highly recommended!!!

Ghosted by phunqsauce @ 01/23/2004 9:12 AM EST

oh and Matt, I think you should can that side little section… I always read the newest article, and then the blog, and I’m betting that’s what everyone else does as well. I think you should put the all star articles up in that section instead, and make the list a little longer.

I really liked when you would pull a classic article from the vault on the last design… that was cool too.

Just some suggestions to fill the gap.

Ghosted by chad @ 01/23/2004 9:16 AM EST

Yeah, I think I’ll take your advice on that one. There’s a lot of older articles that I’d like to "clean up" a bit — won’t change the text now (I’d rather them suck and be as they were, y’know?), but a lot of the older stuff has bad images that I can do cleaner versions on now….not to mention a hundred articles that I can add com downloads for.

Ghosted by Matt @ 01/23/2004 9:18 AM EST

Speaking of elusive cartoonists, Bill Watterson lives in Chagrin Falls, OH which is 5 minutes down the street from me. Since he hasn’t made any known public appearances for years people aren’t sure what he looks like. I think its cool that the guy wrote illustrated and wrote Calvin and Hobbes,which i think was easily one of the greatest comic strips of all time, lives down the road from me. I wonder why he is so secretive and bitter?
Oh yeah, I just found out they are making a live action GARFIELD movie!!! WHAT THE FUCK??? Bill Murray will voice the fat ass orange bastard since Lorenzo Music is no longer with us…R.I.P Lorenzo

Ghosted by phunqsauce @ 01/23/2004 9:24 AM EST

I’ve seen a picture of him — from what I could tell, he looks amazingly like Calvin’s dad.

Ghosted by Matt @ 01/23/2004 9:25 AM EST

Maybe someone can help me identify an old board game that was advertised all over TV in the 80s. I wanted the shit out of this game when I was a kid, but never got it.

It was a "spy"-themed game, perhaps having something to do with finding "double agents." The gimmick with this one was a plastic-cased electronic device that you put in the middle of the board and it talked (or beeped?) to you, gave you instructions…. maybe even told you how many spaces to move?

There were two games for girls with this same gimmick from about the same time– one in which the hunk "calls" the girl on the electronic "phone" ("You’re right! I have a crush on you!"). The other was based on a mall, where the pink electronic device would help players complete a shopping list by blipping out things like "Sale at the shoe store!"

When I saw commercials for these two games I remember thinking how they were such rip-offs of the "spy game," how the game I wanted was obviously the greatest talking game of all.

Anyone remember this?

Ghosted by SuperLurker @ 01/23/2004 9:29 AM EST

I’d have to say the game with the WORST box art(i know i’m off subject kinda) is the classic Pop-o-matic game Yipes!!! It featured the mummy, wolfman, dracula, and frankenstein. Oh man, the expressions on their faces were funny but incredibly disturbing, especially Drac. He looked like he wanted to jump out and rape me!!! I was scarred for life…Although at the time I found the count on Sesame Street to be extremely terrifying. I almost shit my pants everytime I saw that bastard appear on screen. I’m not really sure what was the scariest thing about him. It was either his insane laughter or his purple skin, maybe it was his razorsharp portruding nose. His eyes were menacing and he had FANGS!!!! Well I’m glad I grew out of that phase…….

Ghosted by phunqsauce @ 01/23/2004 9:38 AM EST

I always thought the most unwinnable game was Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaur. Every time you have 3 cave men stacked up nice and straight the bastard would knock you down. It’s kinda like life, except with a wind up dinosaur…. Well not Life the board game, life the life… you know what I mean?

Ghosted by Trippy the 8th Dwarf @ 01/23/2004 9:51 AM EST

if you do take my advice Matt, that column better be called "the CHAD Column" or my attorneys will be in touch…

you should probably be more worried if I knew how the hell to spell attourney… attorney?

Ghosted by chad @ 01/23/2004 9:58 AM EST

I always thought D.J. from Full House was hot.

Ghosted by gabro @ 01/23/2004 11:16 AM EST

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