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01/22/2004: New Article: Shitty Board Games!

Today’s article focuses in on five of the worst board games I’ve ever owned, a list that will shock and appall you to no end. It’s a good mix of old favorites and old hated pieces of crap. We’ve got games based on He-Man and M.U.S.C.L.E., Tetris, 90210 and the game that broke the mold: “Full House.” Are you ready to party? On another topic, I changed the main page a bit. Got rid of the title graphics on the article list, swapping ‘em out for text. Probably won’t kill your eyes as much anymore.

Posted by Matt. E-mail me!

Discussion Thread: 293 comments

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trajeal that’s it heh. I still think the best one was Nick Arcade, best due to the fact that if I ever got on it I would have owned.

Dark Tower, now that was a great game. We used to play it alot at a friends house, his mother got it for him cuz he was still a little too young to play D&D. Anyhow we stopped playing it after the big D&D scare of the 80’s took place. Ya know how any game like D&D will drive a kid to satan worship, heavy metal, drugs and the like. Needless to say in our town one of the PTA/Born Again Mom’s gave this big fit about how we shouldn’t be allowed to play ‘evil’ board games thus no more D&D and Dark Tower. Back to Battleship and Risk…

Ghosted by Beaker Mike @ 01/26/2004 10:36 PM EST

My dad got me that Masters of the Universe game for xmas a year or two ago as a nostalgic gift. (I am 21 by the by) He’s the type of guy who thinks everything is going to be worth a lot of money some day so he was adamant that I not open the packaging and keep it in mint condition.

Ghosted by brite @ 01/26/2004 10:40 PM EST

Wow!! What a cruel joke to pull on your own child. I’d punch my dad in the face if he did that to me….well not really but it would be nice. Once again I’m glad to see others who appreciated the "genius" of the Pizza Party jingle. I swear I used to go nuts when i saw the commercial..

just remember..

You’re gonna lose if you have to switch,
So you’d better think hard,
You’d better be QUICK!!

PARTAY!
PIZZA PARTY!!!

Ghosted by phunqsauce @ 01/26/2004 11:08 PM EST

Hey chad, I’d be your drummer if i still had drums. Maybe we could cover the Pizza Party jingle…….

Ghosted by phunqsauce @ 01/26/2004 11:12 PM EST

Ahh yes, Nick Arcade. They had this modified version of Sonic The Hedgehog that looked cooler and more difficult than the Sega Genesis version. But I would’ve kicked your arse on that show Beaker. Hey, maybe we should all meet up someplace, bring our game systems, get some contestants, a video camera, a magna doodle, and some public access television time and do our own version of Nick Arcade. That’d be kinda cool.

Anywho…

scroll way up toward the top of this page and click on Phil the scumdog’s link. I was at his site the other day, it made for a good read (and a good way to kill an hour). While your at it, why don’t you stop by stupid5pin.com (CHEAP PLUG!). It’s not so bad itself. As for me, I’m at work, so I better get offline and finish this paperwork up.

Ghosted by Skitzo from stupid5pin.com @ 01/27/2004 12:50 PM EST

Hey creaturetheatre. Topenga did have a mostly gradual change from her earlier personality to her later one, it happened when she started seriously dating Corey. He of course did fall for her when she was a nut-job, so I was OK with the whole thing. Personally, I found Eric the most entertaining character on the show. Oh the shenanigans!

Ghosted by Gabbylicious @ 01/27/2004 1:19 AM EST

Yeah, Eric was definately one of those characters that I think got much better as the series went on. He was at least kind of amusing even in the beginning, but towards the end I think he became, without question, the funniest one on the show.

I think I must have missed a lot of the in-between episodes. I saw a bunch when they were kids, and a bunch when they were in college… but come to think of it I don’t really remember much in between. Kind of like real life!

And with that I go off to turn in my velvet cloak and Bauhaus albums, as my admission to liking ‘Boy Meets World’ has just gotten me excommunicated from the goth scene. (no big loss)

Ghosted by creaturetheatre @ 01/27/2004 1:57 AM EST

The best board game was SURVIVE! which featured a volcano destroying an island and you having to shuttle your little colored pieces to safety, except when other players could control the shark and eat your players or something. The island was made up of hexagonal-shaped cardboard pieces that you put together at the beginning of the game, and each player got to remove a piece of the island at the beginning of their turn. Dumping your opponent’s little colored pieces into the water was fun. If you took the piece that had the big explosion underneath it, the entire island was destroyed. I loved it.

Second best game was CANDYLAND BINGO. Bring it.

Ghosted by Spatch @ 01/27/2004 3:44 AM EST

The absolute worst game I own is "Stock Ticker", which combines all the fun of investing in (amongst other things) wheat, with the thrill of calculating your dividends payable to the thousandth decimal place. The funny part is that there are kids on the box. Somehow they expected children to go wild for a game where the most exciting thing that can happen is when somebody rolls a "dividends payable".

Ghosted by BulletRiddled @ 01/27/2004 4:49 AM EST

Killer Duck – Terrible Tank was first introduced in the 70’s I believe.

Damien – I totally agree with you on the clipped bird issue. I just don’t feel right caging a bird and not allowing it to ever fly again just because I think it is pretty. My friend’s bird has free roam of his house. They only put him in the cage at night, which he goes to willingly. Gotta deal with a little more random droppings, but he is getting pretty good at housebreaking him.

Ghosted by Stilewalker @ 01/27/2004 7:19 AM EST

I just thought of a couple other games I had. I had 5 or 6 board games that came with the video tape that you played along with. Some you pressed play at certain times (ex. if a certain card was turned) and some the tape played throughout the game.
The first one I ever had was a calafornia dreams game. All I remember is that you would play the tape when it was your turn and there would be a scene with a guy surfing or wind-boarding or something and if he did a good run you could go, but if he wiped out you lost your turn or something.
I also had a Star Wars video tape game…on this one the tape was played the whole time. I think you were on the death star and every once in a while Darth would show up to say or do something. You had to complete the objective before the tape timer ran out.
I also had a scary one where the taped continuously played throughout the game and a crypt keeper guy would show up and do something. They played spooky music while you played.
I had a couple more, but I can’t remember them.

Ghosted by Stilewalker @ 01/27/2004 7:30 AM EST

I have the classic version of Dungeon, a great game if you have someone like Sis-in-Law’s brother, who’s a real rules lawyer when he’s losing, but cheats when he’s ahead. He chooses the Paladin, the only dude who can heal himself. On the upside, he can heal others, for a small price, but if you have no cash, he still has to heal you, being a paladin and all. Best part, you can ambush other players! Hoo-Ha! So we gang up and FORCE the lunkhead to heal us. For a real bloodbath, though, Little Brother challenges him to Monopoly.

Ghosted by kingklash @ 01/27/2004 1:00 PM EST

I have played many of the games listed above, but I still think the greatest board game of all time was torpedo run.

It was for 2 players and you each had a big battleship and 3 destroyers that you set up on a huge board, something like 4′x8′. Then you had a submarine that shot little plastic discs about the size of a nickel across the board at your opponents ships. If you hit the ship in the right spot some of the towers would explode off the ship. The first one to blast all the towers from the other persons ship one.

I have to say the game with catapults and crossbows knocking down castles sounds really cool too.

Ghosted by Beerstalker @ 01/27/2004 3:11 PM EST

I had one of those Muscle wrestling rings. That thing kicked ass, until the wrestling got overzealous and the little plastic arms holding the figures just snapped right off.

Ghosted by hellzbellz @ 01/27/2004 3:14 PM EST

Stilewalker, tanks (har har) for the info. I can’t remmeber the game but I wish I did.

**Birdlovers of the world unite!** There is a company that makes bird diapers! I can’t remember the name of the company but I know they sell online. I saw a thing recently on Animal Planet about it. I imagine a search would turn them up.

Ghosted by Killer Duck @ 01/27/2004 4:03 PM EST

I own a VHS board game hosted by Joan Rivers. It’s a parody of soap operas, and at specific intervals you get to put lines in the actors mouths. It’s actually worse than it sounds.

Ghosted by BulletRiddled @ 01/28/2004 3:33 AM EST

I can see it now, Matt hosting from the Seaside Park boardwalk in lovely NJ. We’d get kids walking by looking at all of us fighting over who has the higher score in Lifeforce. Then again Nick Arcade had nothing on that one show that started out as a Cartoon with Bigfoot, the Cop from NARC (who sadly didn’t blow up any drug dealers with rockets.) And that guy from Ironsword. It then changed around and became this gameshow where if you won you’d run around this maze full of Video Games grapping whatever you could. And looking for that one game that would win ya a Neo-Geo.

As for those VHS Board Games, those where bad. I had the Robocop me and a few friends played it once. After about 5 mins we said the hell with it and popped in a copy of Robocop.

And I can’t remember the name of it, but anyone remember that board game that had a snake pop out and wrap around your wrist? And oh yeah here’s a bad game for ya, ‘It from the Pit’. That was bad, that was really bad.

And lastly I don’t know if anyone remembers this but the Odyssey 2 had 3 video board games. I know one was some kinda Lord of the Rings clone. Another was a cold war kinda thing. I forget the last one tho.

Ghosted by Beaker Mike @ 01/28/2004 10:41 PM EST

Beaker- You are talking about VIdeo Power starring Johnny Arcade!! It started off asthe tips/tricks/cartoon and then became a gameshow where the winner got to run through a maze with shitty games and had to stick the merchandise to their bodies and make it to the finish on time. I fewlt bad for all the kids who picked up the Neo-Geo in the maze because I’m sure they didn’t know the games were like 200 bucks back then. Something definitely worth reviewing if Matt gets a caopy of it somewhow…

Ghosted by phunqsauce @ 01/28/2004 11:43 PM EST

Actually, the M.U.S.C.L.E. Megamatch game wasn’t a ~BAD~ game– it had some strategy and was well made. Much better than the Ultimate Muscle CCG they released, translation wise.

Ghosted by Orgg @ 01/30/2004 4:40 PM EST

KNOCKOUT!! THAT’S WHAT IT WAS!

Ghosted by marril159 @ 01/30/2004 10:28 PM EST

Hey Bullet-riddled! I have the 21st century version of the "Stockticker" board game…. It’s called "On Trial for Insider Trading!". Comes with color-coded handcuff keys and an equal quantity of "Chance" and "Get Out of Jail Free" cards from Monopoly. Talk about crossovers.

Ghosted by ibinsomniac @ 01/30/2004 11:44 PM EST

OMG…I must own the 90210 piece o’ shit…I’d hang it on my wall.

Where do you FIND this crap?! lol

Ghosted by Devin @ 01/31/2004 2:32 AM EST

I’m ashamed and amused at the same time to admit my brother had that M.U.S.C.L.E boardgame. Actually, it may be still in the attic.

Ghosted by Stezton @ 01/31/2004 9:14 AM EST

One other awful board game I have is a keychain version of Mouse Trap. Not only is it nearly impossible to set up measuring at two square inches, but the bot kicks the bucket so hard the ball flies off the board.

Ghosted by BulletRiddled @ 02/02/2004 1:04 AM EST

I’ve never been fond of board games in general, maybe it’s because it requires social gatherings..something which I try to avoid like the plague. I have always been a video game junkie, and thankfully I was spoiled early on with Atari.

Ghosted by Guitarmageddon @ 02/02/2004 3:16 AM EST

90210 Entangler

*spin* and….
Crotch on Jennie Garth’s face. Great game.

Ghosted by lyfemist @ 02/02/2004 10:25 PM EST

I’m quiting

Ghosted by matt @ 02/03/2004 8:05 PM EST

Someone mentioned the Ungame, which reminded me of when my mother bought a copy from a yard sale (or possibly from the Salvation Army… I wasn’t there) and brought it home along with a couple of other old board games.

Upon looking at the rules for the first time, my sister and I were seriously underwhelmed.

The board vaguely resembles a Monopoly board, but instead of property, the spaces contain text instructing you to tell the other players something about yourself or ask another player to do the same.

There’s no goal of any sort – you play for however long you feel like, and the instructions state that after that, "everyone wins". In reality, we all ended up agreeing that the only way to win is not to play, and the box was shelved, never to be opened again.

The box mentioned that it’s good for therapy sessions, and it seems to be telling the truth there – one would have to be completely insane in the membrane to derive any meaningful enjoyment from playing this game.

Ghosted by Deltoid P. Hamsterlicker @ 02/05/2004 8:28 PM EST

I was suprised the Saved By The Bell board game didn’t make the list. Boy did that game blow chunks.

Ghosted by JohnnyBbad @ 02/06/2004 5:00 PM EST

You overlooked the Pacman boardgame. I think it played similar to the Tetris game (namely, no one had any idea how to play, win or lose). It had lots of marble ‘pellets’ and an overly elaborate Pacman that would ‘eat’ the marbles (some of the time). Each game had players randomly doing whatever they wanted until the marbles disappeared or until the board was nudged and all the marbles roled onto the floor and under the couch.

Ghosted by Nizzler @ 02/09/2004 1:44 PM EST

matt, my dear matt. clearly you’ve never played the mr. t game. i don’t know if this has been mentioned here, there’s way too many comments for me to go through and find out. it was made in 1983, and i scored a copy at a thrift store for $8, brand new. there’s not really a point, you just get an a-team character gamepiece, and try to get to 3 different places in town and then to the airport before you run out of time on the clock/spinner thing. you can also ride the A-team bus to make your task easier, but although the directions tell you how to get on the bus, they never tell you how to get off. i love the mr. t game, but it really does suck.

Ghosted by ravencasey @ 02/11/2004 10:38 AM EST

Damien, have you got a copy of the rules for Jurassic Park? or anyone else for that matter.

Ghosted by Jon @ 02/11/2004 4:34 PM EST

Ummm….I think I played that He-Man board game with my cousin. It really was awful. But at least I didn’t play that 90210 or Full House game. Then I’d have to be made fun of.

Ghosted by shelly @ 02/16/2004 3:47 PM EST

The worst game i have ever played was a game called something like, dont melt the ice or something like that. no, not dont break the ice, this was different. it pitted two or more people against each other with an ice cube, and the object of the game was to be the one whose ice cube lasted the longest. you would take turns spinning the little dial and it would tell you to put the ice in hot water or put salt on it. enivitably, i was young so i would just pour salt on my ice cube and eat it. needless to say, i never won.

Ghosted by Ducky @ 02/17/2004 6:42 PM EST

I Remember when i was Really young, i had a Home Alone 2: Lost in new york Game. I Didn’t even know how to play it.

Ghosted by Forgotten sin @ 03/05/2004 3:16 AM EST

i have that full house game..its pretty cool, cept i always lost when i played cuz i never seemed 2 b able to get michelles card..

Ghosted by buggles @ 03/06/2004 5:12 PM EST

i feel sorry for buggles that u even liked the full house game the show was for fags!!!!!and for the collector i really liked tha article verry humerous!!!!!

Ghosted by big papa @ 03/26/2004 3:06 AM EST

Hey – I just picked up the Full House game today but am missing the instructions! Can anyone help me out? Email from my web site.

Thanks

Ghosted by dinosnert @ 05/22/2004 5:01 PM EDT

Ok Well I actually came on here looking for the instructions to Dizzy dizzy dinosaur. I had it as a kid and got it at a garage sale for my daughter and she wants to play but I can’t remember how you are able to stack the pieces and have them go as a pair or 3 stacked up. if anyone knows can u email me at this name at yahoo please.
Although some pretty bad games I remember were Girl Talk and Mall Madness and my brother and I always hated mouse trap you could never get the dang trap to fall right it was always way off or fell when it wasnt supposed to. Crappy and the Full house game and tetris game I think me and my brother slowly left the pieces laying around for mom to throw away then when they were gone she tossed the whole box out.

Ghosted by im2good4foolz @ 08/19/2006 3:37 PM EDT

by the way the clear blocks? and little hammer game also had a man that sat on a block and you had to knock one block out of the tray thing at a time and u got to pick whatever one u wanted to know out and it was “Don’t Break the Ice” I loved that game and played it alone all the time since my brother was too old to play board games with me. The ungame is actually used by alot of counselors and shit.. and man I will never play that game.

Ghosted by im2good4foolz @ 08/19/2006 3:52 PM EDT

Hi, I need help!! I am looking for info about BABOON BALL .
Does anyone know who made the game? And/Or does anyone have one to sell?

PLEEEEASE!!!!!!!
and Thank you, KJ
Email me at : babybear0@yahoo.com

Ghosted by KJ @ 10/04/2006 2:20 PM EDT

the marble game was called stay alive http://www.boardgamegeek.com/image/7080

Ghosted by 1niceharo @ 11/13/2006 9:27 AM EST

Joe, Matt:
I had this game, and yes, the board-rotation thing was the really cool thing about this game. Basically, when you landed on one of the two orange squares, you would rotate the clear grid on the board 90 degrees counter-clockwise. Which meant if you are on the last square, you’d get bumped back to the second row! It actually made this game more than just a snakes-n-ladders on roids.

Ghosted by thaMANSTA @ 12/04/2008 8:03 PM EST

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This entry was posted on Thursday, January 22nd, 2004 at 3:55 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.