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Hrm. Let’s give this a try…

Today's Stupid Poll: What's the worst movie you've ever seen in theaters? Though "Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie" seems oddly entertaining to me now, I forced my mother to bring me home no more than 20 minutes in. Other candidates include "Career Opportunities" and "Murder By The Numbers," but that last one wasn't by choice. Leave your picks in the comments...

Posted by Matt on 01/20/2004. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 257 comments

Not that anyone is still reading this thread, I’m sure, but Saving Silverman. And Any Given Sunday: I thought that expression about asses falling asleep was only an expression ’til I saw that stinker.

Chestnuts roasted by Molten @ 01/24/2004 6:17 PM

Easy. "Monos the Hands of Fate." Not even the crew on the Sattelite of Love could save it as a MST3K.

It was like a violent cold to wach.

Chestnuts roasted by The Ponderer @ 01/25/2004 10:45 AM

Supernova…

I took my wife (then girlfriend) to it and quickly regretted it. The previews looked good, and there was quite the lapse of a good sci-fi movie.

When the alien started having sex with people in the zero-g room… we just shook our heads in disbelief.

Chestnuts roasted by Chiablo @ 01/25/2004 6:28 PM

Everyone I went to the Time Machine with fell asleep.

Chestnuts roasted by drezdn @ 01/25/2004 7:04 PM

How can you possibly not like Straship Troopers? It is literally my favorite film ever, the reason being: It’s all tongue in cheek, like Robocop with the cheese turned up. I have a theory that this kicked off a series of intentional cheese fests, not the least of which was The Devil’s Advocate. That film is so funny, especially because they didn’t tell keanu that it was all a joke.

On a different note Underworld was like watching a thirteen year old goth girl’s wet dreams.

Chestnuts roasted by DukDuk @ 01/27/2004 5:56 AM

Unbreakable = worst movie ever.

Chestnuts roasted by katya @ 01/27/2004 11:39 AM

Volcano

Never to young to Die

Chestnuts roasted by Dawn @ 01/27/2004 12:09 PM

Not that this is a contest or anything, but I think I’ve got everyone beat. Howard the Duck. In the theatre, no less. I will never get those 2+ hours back ever again.

Chestnuts roasted by hellzbellz @ 01/27/2004 3:24 PM

Ha, I saw Howard the Duck in theaters too. I thought it was awesome. Of course, I was 9 years old, but hey…

Chestnuts roasted by Kevin @ 01/27/2004 7:02 PM

I stongly disagree with katya’s entry. If you think Unbreakable the worst ever(I enjoyed it quite a bit), you haven’t seen:
1. "House of the Dead"
2. "Feardotcom"
3. "The Postman"
4. "Waterworld"
5. "Batman and Robin"
6. "Beverly Hills Cop 3"
7. "Body of Evidence" (Madonna film I was thrown out of for heckling)
8. "Rocky V"
9. "Mchale’s Navy"
10. "Michael"

And to those who put in any "Star Wars" film I’m sorry,I know the prequels aren’t as good as the original 3, but they shouldn’t be listed here.

Chestnuts roasted by skorch @ 01/28/2004 2:22 AM

Where to begin…

Battlefield Earth (wanted to walk out within 5 minutes)
Batman and Robin
The Beach (I tried to walk into another movie midway through…luckily, Danny Boyle rebounded with "28 Days Later"
City of Angels
Mighty Joe Young
The Hulk

I managed to sleep through Primary Colors and The Beautician and the Beast too.

P.S.: I liked Matrix Reloaded AND Revolutions.

Chestnuts roasted by Citizen Flynn @ 01/28/2004 2:19 PM

Aaarghh….I forgot about Waterworld…thanks for reminding me of that shitpile, I thought it was permanently erased from my brain. Damn you, Costner, damn you all to hell.

Chestnuts roasted by hellzbellz @ 01/28/2004 3:26 PM

Oh my, someone remembered my performance? Why that’s grand. I believe that Young Einstein was the wrong career choice at the time. My room mate, Julia Ormond, warned me about that, but alas, after Smilla’s Sense of Snow, she and I are once again room mates in Tucumcary.

What has the world come to?

Chestnuts roasted by Odile Le Clezio @ 01/28/2004 3:36 PM

Some notes to the above comments:

Stephen King sued over having his name attached to the Lawnmover Man. Some filmmakers went off and took the rights to his short story, and made something completely different out of it. It was so different, that King says he sued (and he won, by the way) over the fact that it had nothing to do with his work. Only thing the film has in common with the story is a guy who mows lawns.

Also, you should know that about 30 cats died during the making of Milo and Otis — particularly during reshoots when the cat get thrown over the cliff, I think. They made it in Japan where there were no laws against cruelty to animals while filming. AFAIK, those logos you see at the end of films these days from the ASPCA (?) are *because* of the carnage on Milo and Otis.

That all said, worst films I’ve seen that I can remember:

Super Mario Bros.
Anaconda (thank God I didn’t pay for it)
The 13th Floor (Matrix knock-off)
Vanilla Sky
Any film by Dwayne Esper

But the worst film of all time is something you guys probably haven’t heard of. I was in film studies and they showed us this fucked-up film called The Chronicles of Anna Magdalene Bach, or some such thing. Marxist German film from 1967. Here’s the movie: The filmmakers (some husband-wife team) show you a bunch of quick random shots of trees and church steeples, then a few shots of a woman playing with her babies. This is then followed by long single-takes of J.S. Bach playing his music on a harpsicord WITH HIS BACK TO THE CAMERA for 11 solid minutes. Repeat process again and again until movie simply ends or film breaks. Whatever happens first.

Needless to say, I was one of the only people left in the screening room when it ended. I was such a nerd when I was younger. That’s 90 minutes I’ll never get back.

Chestnuts roasted by Punk Rock Poet @ 01/28/2004 7:47 PM

The worst movie I’ve ever seen in a theater would have to be a tie between the pointless Texas Chainsaw-Editing Massacre and The League of Extremely Over-rated Gentlemen. I’ve seen and enjoyed the entire original series of Texas Chainsaw films, well, I liked the first two anyway; I think we can all agree that Leatherface and The Next Generation are barely salvagable crap.
That new piece of shit waste of celluloid though, was a different beast entirely! It wasn’t even a remake of the film it claimed to be; the plot was far more similar to Leatherface and so many of the scenes seemed to ape on the popularity of the vastly superior Freddy Vs Jason, during which I almost literally wept for joy.
As for League, I won’t get into my full rant on it, as I’m sure Matt would appreciate me not taking up all the space here, but I had SEVERAL complaints. If the film had been completely different in nearly ever way other than most of the characters’ names, it may have been a decent effort, but as it stands, Steven Norrington has shat upon the ever-growing pile of celluloid dreck that’s been made from Alan Moore’s visionary comic books and classic literature. Mina’s not a fucking vampire at the end of Dracula, Steve! Captain Nemo’s ship is the Nautilus, not this ‘Sword of the Ocean’ bullshit. Tom Sawyer is a fucking idiot and has no business with the team, and neither does Dorian Grey. Goddammit, I could just keep going on and on and on, and it would be quite some time before I ran out of things to bitch about where this wretched mass of celluloid excrement is concerned.
The worst movie I’ve ever seen is probably Skydivers, and even though it was the MST3K version, I was so bored I had to turn it off before my brain turned to gelatinous goo and spilled out through my ears. Oh, and DareDevil is the second worst of the new crop of comic book movies, edging out the new Catwoman only because it’s not out yet. God, I hate Halle Berry!

Chestnuts roasted by Princess Wuffles @ 01/28/2004 11:49 PM

schumacher! (thunderclap, horse whinnies)

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 01/29/2004 12:04 PM

Sinbad: The Legend of the Seven Seas, or whatever

Chestnuts roasted by Rachel Cakes @ 01/29/2004 8:39 PM

Oh man.

I saw Titanic FIVE TIMES in theatres. I hated it EVERY SINGLE TIME. by the fifth time, I was cackling whenver someone died.

One Hour Photo was just boring. Nothing happened. That was supposed to be scary?

Nobody’s mentioned this yet… I absolutely LOATHED As Good As It Gets. UGH. Made me hate Jack Nicholson. I honestly came out of that movie ANGRY at the fact that it was so bad.

The worst movie I’ve seen outside of theatres was the Smurfs movie (on beta). What a travesty. Terrible voiceacting, awful animation, and there were 15 minute refrains of just flute music while someone skipped across a screen. what. the. hell.

Chestnuts roasted by Zephyrus @ 01/30/2004 12:16 PM

ok the worst movie ever is a tie between the cook the theif is wife and her lover or opperation dumbo drop also coming in at a close second win a date with tad hammiliton thank god i didnt pay to see that one

Chestnuts roasted by Twinkie @ 01/30/2004 1:27 AM

To this day, the worst movie I’ve ever seen is Weekend at Bernies II. It’s the one where they use Voodoo to make Bernie into a zombie. Yes, he’s still dead.

I don’t know what happens in the end, because after 1/2 hour of this drek I left the theater. And I saw it at the 2nd run cheapie theater too. It wasn’t even worth $1. AWFUL!

Chestnuts roasted by Matt from Cleveland @ 01/30/2004 4:12 AM

Speed

Buses don’t jump gaps in the highway. When the pavement ended, so did this movie!

Chestnuts roasted by toast @ 01/30/2004 6:53 AM

Okay, this thread is officially dead I’m sure, but I’m stunned that no one mentioned thae horrible remake of The Haunting. I sat and sat and sat, waiting for the scary, and then the end credits rolled.

My official runner-up is Solaris. I’m sure it would make more sense had I read the book, but I don’t remember the previews telling us that Cliff Notes were required.

Chestnuts roasted by LemonWitch @ 01/31/2004 1:20 AM

"Worst" is not quantifyable. Every cinimatic experience is different and has different qualities for different reasons.

However, I think that Battlefield Earth was the worst cinimatic exposition I viewed, though I had fun with it, as me and my friend had an effectivly private screening of the movie.

Leverage. BWWAAAHAAAHAAAAHAAAHAAaahaaaaa!
Classic B-grade goodness, only dominated by Neil Young’s Human Highway. I’d LOVE to see and hear that one in a theatre.

Chestnuts roasted by Orgg @ 01/31/2004 2:23 AM

If we’re talking strictly in a theatre, I’d have to go with Total Recall. My girlfriend and I were on vacation in Michigan and bored out of our skulls one night; we wandered to the closest megaplex and saw it. Being a HUGE Arnie fan, I was dying to see it. We made it through to the end, but barely. Michael Ironside was the best thing about it, which is pretty fucking scary when you really think on that.

Luckily, Arnie redeemed himself the next year with T2, then with True Lies…then blew it all to hell a few years later with Last Action Hero. Sigh. How the the Schwarzenneger of those two movies and Predator be the same guy who could be in a movie with a ‘Magic Ticket’ or a girl with three boobs?

And now he’s Governor. Go figure.

Chestnuts roasted by Ninj @ 01/31/2004 11:09 PM

A.I. has to be one of the worst movies I have ever been to. The movie just dragged on, and on, and was just a totally mind-numbing experience. I was also on a bad date the night I saw this film, so maybe that had a part in me not liking this film.

Chestnuts roasted by Guitarmageddon @ 02/02/2004 3:45 AM

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