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01/04/2004: New Article: “Critters 3″ Movie Review!

I really want to finish off the “Critters” series, so here’s a movie review of “Critters 3.” We’ve already looked at this first two — this is where the action really got bad. Only notable as Leonardo DiCaprio’s film debut, the flick was a low budget pile of crap and the result of two guys halfheartedly interested in making movies having thirty bucks and an afternoon to spare. Not really recommended for “Critters” fans, since it’ll ruin your interest in the creatures. Can’t really recommend for anyone else, either. You be the judge — the review includes a few video clips, mainly showing alien porcupines shooting needles at bunny slippers.

Posted by Matt. E-mail me!

Discussion Thread: 59 comments

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You know, I really think that Critters 2 is the worst. It doesn’t have LEONARDO DICAPRIO going for it. And, I’m sure you realize, Critters 4 is the greatest ever.

Ghosted by Joshua @ 01/04/2004 6:50 PM EST

Damn…so close to #1 yet so far off.

Anyways, I think that Critters 2 is the best of the series. You can’t go wrong with the rolling critter ball of doom.

Ghosted by Diabetic Dinosaur @ 01/04/2004 7:34 PM EST

Wasn’t the boy played by Dominic from Kindergarden Cop? I guess Leo isn’t the only celebrity HUH?! I hope you’re in the mood for Part 4 soon, can’t wait!

Ghosted by Mikey @ 01/04/2004 8:17 PM EST

Dominic = GOTTA GET MY LASERS!

How did it feel to hit that SOB?

Ghosted by Kristal @ 01/04/2004 9:19 PM EST

Matt, I liked the IMDB quotes at the end of the article. Nice touch. Is this sort of thing going to become standard around here?

Ghosted by Cameron @ 01/04/2004 10:11 PM EST

Hey look it’s the Eggplant Wizard from Kid Icarus!!! I never saw Critters 3, thank gods and eggplant wizards. I remember Seeing the first one because my sister had this thing for the bratty redheaded boy in it. That was the movie that taught me how to make a flamethrower out of a can o hairspray.
Thing is, I love Matt’s style of writing. It’s the things that can’t quite be explained that make it what it is. I dunno I just hope you don’t stop any time soon.

Ghosted by Killer Duck @ 01/04/2004 10:11 PM EST

Heh. Eggplant. Awesome.

Ghosted by Evin @ 01/04/2004 10:46 PM EST

I was really pumped for this movie after seeing 1 and 2. This one was so bad I never took the chance of throwing away 2 hours of my life on 4. someone let me know if i’m missing something.

Ghosted by naturekid @ 01/04/2004 10:48 PM EST

Hmm… You know, I really think Leo killed "Family Matters"…

Then again, you can’t really kill something that was dead to begin with…

Ghosted by Mr. Mr. Mr. @ 01/04/2004 11:41 PM EST

good review been awhile since i read a "vengeful" matt really tear into soemthing good job

Ghosted by Scourge @ 01/05/2004 12:21 PM EST

I don’t think Leo was on Family Matters. He was on Growing Pains, though. Family Matters was the one with Urkel. I think someone shot that show to put it out of its misery.

Ghosted by Killer Duck @ 01/05/2004 12:54 PM EST

long time reader, first time poster…

love the site, love love love.

anyway, as someone who has never seen any of the Critters movies EXCEPT part 3, I’d like to thank Matt for clarifying just who the hell Charlie is, and for making me feel a little better about my experience when I saw the movie, which went a little something like this:

watching, watching, watching…
credits roll…
blinking…

"i’m gonna ask you some questions, and I want you to answer them immediately"

Ghosted by Geek America @ 01/05/2004 1:45 AM EST

There was no clip of the bowling footage as I was expecting. Did I miss it? Was it hidden? I Love Stock Footage!!

Awesome review choice! Which critters was the one where they all formed into a big ball and rolled around on a farm or something, and they ate a cow?

Ghosted by heeloyd @ 01/05/2004 2:06 AM EST

where was the bowling scene? i was expecting a video clip of that. Oh well, good review anyway. I’m still trying to make my was through Nukie… but I just really think it’s impossible.

Ghosted by chad @ 01/05/2004 9:45 AM EST

For the sake of all bad movies everywere Matt must at least once in his life watch this movie, the king supreame of all that is cheesey, a unholy mishmash rivaling Even Killer Klowns for outerspace, a tour de crap that makes Devil rain look oscar worthy…(Drum roll)….

JESUS CHRIST VAMPIRE HUNTER!!
http://www.badmovies.org/movies/jesusvamp/index.html

You know a move has to be bad movie gold when i has quotes like this:

Praetorious: "We’re running low on skin. I suggest we harvest another lesbian

and

Atheist Woman: "Hello Jesus. You don’t know us because we’ve never talked to you before. We are the atheists."
Guy Atheist: "Look Jesus, we’re taking your second coming ass down!"

Ghosted by Mr Mango @ 01/05/2004 10:37 AM EST

"I remember Seeing the first one because my sister had this thing for the bratty redheaded boy in it."

Scott Grimey. Hee.

I wanted to add a comment from something said a few days ago. I’m also of the female gender. I wonder how many of us there are here?

Ghosted by trajeal @ 01/05/2004 11:34 AM EST

I imagine there’s probably a bit more male readers here than female…but not much
Yes, Scott Grimes. He was on Star Search or something and my sister LOVED him. Yuk. Heeloyd, the giant ball was either in 1 or 2. Matt reviewed those and I think there’s a link in the article.

Ghosted by Killer Duck @ 01/05/2004 12:00 PM EST

Both "Gremlins," first "Ghoulies," and the first two "Critters" are among my favorite "Let’s write a story that’s a rip off of the reproduction angle from ‘Trouble with Tribbles’" school of pop video culture. Even that old Partridge Family cartoon had an episode like that. ye gods, i’m old…..

Ghosted by kingklash @ 01/05/2004 12:18 PM EST

so Titanic was mostly cast with actors from the various Critters movies? that explains a lot.

Ghosted by akbarium @ 01/05/2004 12:42 PM EST

Yup, king, you are.
So you are saying that the tribbles reproduced by getting wet?

Ghosted by Killer Duck @ 01/05/2004 12:43 PM EST

I think that, following the resounding box office success of Freddy vs. Jason, they should make Ghoulies vs. Critters.

Ghosted by gmfbrown @ 01/05/2004 1:28 PM EST

Last night on PPV they had a wrestling classics episode of GLOW…yes, that GLOW. I was so little at the time it was out I never realized how corny it was, but believe me. Right down to the horrible puns and bad 80’s hair and studded jackets. Matt, let me know if you want a copy and I will send it. It just SCREAMED X-E review.

Ghosted by Y2JB78 @ 01/05/2004 1:30 PM EST

Ok, thanx fer th’correction, Duck, but stiiilll…. Last tall girl I knew also kept me on my toes, so to speak. A five-nine Kiowa vs a six-one Amazon? Sprite had a definite leverage advantage on me. Little Bro has a favorite scene in Titanic: When Leo-sicle sinks beneath the waves because the rich chick won’t move her fat caboose to give him room. Combine this movie with "Critters" and "Pirates of…Black Pearl" and maybe you got something. Zombie Jack fighting Crites in the bowels of the sunken ship. maybe not…

Ghosted by kingklash @ 01/05/2004 1:33 PM EST

I think Gremlins vs Critters vs Goulies…but not the dumbass goulies that were like midgets in costumes. Im talking 100%puppets. We don’t need no stinkin’ computer animation!
Y2J-my sibs and I used to watch GLOW in the late hours on one of the local stations many moons ago. There was this fat ass polynesian lady who used to do this dance thing…and they always were shilling the shampoo where they’d be shopping at the supermarket and a fight would break out over the shampoo. And the announcers were worse than Jerry Lawler with his puppies comments, if that’s possible.
I’m surprised no one ever made Leo from Titanic ice pops. Look, it’s Leonardo with a stick up his ass! What’s so unusual about that…

Ghosted by Killer Duck @ 01/05/2004 1:50 PM EST

Ok, everybody just tuning in for the first time, all together now: WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!?

Ghosted by kingklash @ 01/05/2004 2:12 PM EST

Duck, that was Mount Fiji. They had a big tribute to her. Remember how each girl rapped before her match about the opponent? They had those too…god they were funny. Along with the most horrible star wipes you’ve ever seen.

Homer: Ned in the shower…and…star wipe.

Lisa: Dad, there are others besides just star wipe.

Ghosted by Y2JB78 @ 01/05/2004 2:20 PM EST

Yes! Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter! Fantastically horrible. There’s a dance number, the goodness sakes.

The best part is Jesus fighting the athiests, the same 5 athiests over and over again. They keep coming out of a van, which I couldn’t help but think of as an athiest spawning point.

And let us not forgot Santos!

Ghosted by Emperor_Zorak @ 01/05/2004 2:32 PM EST

yesterday I went to california adventure and saw that float that was in the rose parade. I figured I would share since there were parades on the site. I got some pics of it if you would like to see them Matt.

Ghosted by heeloyd @ 01/05/2004 2:32 PM EST

HAve you seen the cheap horror movie: Robot Monster?

The monster is a guy in a gorilla suit with a space helmet. Lowest budget movie I’ve ever seen!!

Ghosted by heeloyd @ 01/05/2004 2:34 PM EST

Hey Killer Duck I just looked at your personal page and noticed that you live outside of Boston, which hey, thats right near me. What city/town do you live in if you don’t mind me asking?

Ghosted by Diabetic Dinosaur @ 01/05/2004 2:53 PM EST

Matt, I like the box art links and comments culled from the imdb. Thanks.

Ghosted by Vinz Klortho @ 01/05/2004 3:10 PM EST

heeloyd, don’t forget the bubble machine got a credit. A little boy dreams about the apocalypse. hee.

Ghosted by kingklash @ 01/05/2004 3:14 PM EST

Comedy = The Jerk, Too.

Ghosted by Ubu Rex @ 01/05/2004 3:26 PM EST

Dinosaur-I live in a smallish town about 15 miles south of bean town. I take classes in Brockton.
I have made up my mind, I need to find the Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter movie. The guys who made South Park had it right- Jesus needs to be seen kicking ass and taking names. More people would convert.
Y2j-Yes! Mt Fiji! She used to "sing" that song (my brother still sings it and pause every now and then to say something that was supposed to be witty. I also remember there were several girls in Daisy Dukes who were farmer’s daughter types. All wanting to be Ellie May Clampett. And there was this one psychotic one. Her hair was all messed up…she must not have been buying the right shampoo. Hair pulling jigglefests…I should have been offended but I never was. I was too busy laughing my ass off.

Ghosted by Killer Duck @ 01/05/2004 3:51 PM EST

I heard that Art Frankel was in one of these Critters films. I am a big fan, just haven seen much of him except for his part in the ring. I think Art needs more recognition.

Ghosted by Jando @ 01/05/2004 3:59 PM EST

GLOW girls made an appearence on "Married With Children" and Al got squished.

Ghosted by kingklash @ 01/05/2004 4:01 PM EST

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter totally rawks! To think, Christ, who has apparently been hanging out in Canada for the past 2000 years, comes to the church’s rescue to fight lesbian vampires with the aid of Los Santos and Mary Magnum.

I saw this flick in an alterna art gallery/movie theater here in New Orleans while a Kwanzaa celebration was going on in the adjacent room… There’s nothing like watching Christ going Kung Fu on lesbians while African drumbeats spill through paper-thin walls. Kinda fitting in a "Shaft In Africa" kinda way.

Ghosted by Nachokhaki @ 01/05/2004 4:56 PM EST

Critters 3 is actually the only one in the series I’ve never seen, but judging by the review and clips, plus the fact that I hated the 4th, maybe that’s a good thing. I mean, Christ.

Ghosted by Behonkiss @ 01/05/2004 5:38 PM EST

Just on a weird tangent, does anyone know if there’s a proper name for the very Eighties font they use for the title screen and the "TO BE CONTINUED…" besides "After Burner Font", since it’s more or less the exact same font used in the classic Sega arcade game After Burner, but I doubt Sega invented it?

Ghosted by Steve Brandon @ 01/05/2004 8:13 PM EST

King-I remember when the GLOW girls were on Married…It’s been so long since I watched that show. I didn’t know it had lasted as long as it did after I stopped watching.
Every time I see King Hippo on the top screen I think of his little theme song. Was I the only one who "sang along" to it (basically making little noises when Hippo opened his mouth)?

Ghosted by Killer Duck @ 01/05/2004 10:54 PM EST

As much as I loved King Hippo, it was Don Flamenco with whom I "sang" along. And when he threw his rose… "Broing!"

Ghosted by Nachokhaki @ 01/05/2004 10:58 PM EST

Since I had no idea what GLOW was, I did a search. Info with video clips:
http://www.tvparty.com/80glow.html

Ghosted by ME @ 01/06/2004 3:40 AM EST

They had a segment on the GLOW PPV where they holding a contest for a new girl, and all the contestants had to go get a complete "exam". The door on the doctors office Drs. Fiel and Grope: Gynecology, Psychiatry and something else. God it was corny. They had the Patriotic girl, the sadistic Russian girl, a bunch of cheerleaders (Vicky Victory was my favorite), about 6 farmers daughters, insane housewifes that used to beat people up with egg beaters. The best was the tag team Hollywood and Vine, who were trashy biker hookers. The commentary is the best corny 80s you can find anywhere!

Ghosted by Y2JB78 @ 01/06/2004 9:47 AM EST

Don’t forget Matilda the Hun! And her patented headlock variation, the Knocker Locker.

Ghosted by kingklash @ 01/06/2004 11:31 AM EST

Yippi, I did it! post # 45! horray for me! lol actually my reason for celebration is that I recently aquired the entire series of Freakazoid! You can buy it outright from the page I linked my name to, or try your luck on one of the auction pages, though you’ll pay a lot more. or the third option (since I"m not stingy) is that I’ll try to copy them to vcd’s and anyone interested can have them merly for the price of the cd’s they’re on and shipping. that is of course if anyone is interested.

Ghosted by brandon @ 01/06/2004 1:44 PM EST

I always like when people put things in their Terms and Conditions document that they think will prevent them from being prosecuted for their blatantly illegal activities.

Ghosted by Ubu Rex @ 01/06/2004 2:05 PM EST

legal shmegal I’m close enought to canada to run if I’m gonna get in trouble for my precious.

Ghosted by brandon @ 01/06/2004 2:15 PM EST

Void where prohibited, prohibited where void, void and prohibited where not allowed, tires and tax not included, pink tutu sold seperately, cards do not talk, if rash develops, discontinue use, do not taunt happy fun ball, and for God’s sake, don’t pick at it or it won’t heal!

Ghosted by kingklash @ 01/06/2004 3:40 PM EST

Oh yes, the Happy Fun Ball. For a list of disclaimers go to : http://www.happyfunball.com/hfb.html

Ghosted by Gozer @ 01/06/2004 5:31 PM EST

To those in the Boston area, am I alone in being freaked out by the commericals for Mary Lou’s Coffee? Since I have never been to one of the stores, I honestly do not know if it is supposed to be a Mom and Pop coffee shop version of Hooters. The ladies in the commericals are "locally pretty" as say Matt Damon is "locally handsome" to the region. I realize that I have already put too much into thinking about these commercials, so for those nice enough to read this you can decide for yourselves:
http://www.marylous.com/commercials.html

Ghosted by ME @ 01/06/2004 7:18 PM EST

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