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Snowman. Not Mista.

The next article will be up tomorrow, and it's looking to be a doozy. I can usually guess how I'm going to like an article by how excited I am to write it, and with this one, I'm like...floating around with Cupid hearts and little tiny Campbell's Stars spinning around my head. By the way, I think I'm up to around ten e-mails from readers naming "something red that has to do with winter but not Christmas;" another testament to why I should never make blanket statements and ask people to prove me wrong. Someone named Aaron wrote in with the Rose Bowl: "Last I checked, Rose is a shade of red, and
New Year's Day falls right in the middle of winter." I don't know who this Aaron character thinks he is, but I just put the order out to explode his balls.

Anyway, a few posts down, I mentioned us being stuck here last weekend during that big snowstorm, with nothing but an 18-pack of overpriced Michelob holiday beer to entertain us. It was one of those sampler pack deals, and you know how that works -- anytime you're faced with the issue of actually contemplating a beer's flavor, you realize just how terrible it tastes. That's not a universal law (I like the taste of plenty of 'em), but when it comes to something like a Michelob 18-pack featuring beers that aren't good enough to be sold year round, there's bound to be some trouble. Some were pretty good, others tasted like wet socks rung out over pails of sick. Using each beer as a backdrop for different Christmassy activities, the fact that we were stuck home in a snowstorm made our first mission a natural choice -- we had to make a snowman.

God's Cooler.

It was a lot colder than we were anticipating, so we skipped out on the traditional process and opted to create a snowman more open to interpretation. I used the excuse that my girlfriend didn't know how to use a digital camera to get her to all the work. Not wanting the Arctic touch clamming up my poor hands, I pretended to have all sorts of problems getting it to operate properly and focus correctly, so she didn't complain. Hey, we only had two pairs of gloves, and she got the thicker ones.

There's our snowman. He's not going to win any awards, but that's okay -- I would've never figured out a way to lug him to the snowman competition sites anyway. The arms are actually branches ripped from a tall bamboo tree we banished to our front porch during the summer, while the eyes and buttons are -- appropriately enough -- beer bottle caps. Hardest part was getting the carrot to stick in there, but whatever... I wasn't the one who got stuck with that job. It pays to be the photographer.

Posted by Matt on 12/12/2003. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 20 comments

And God Bless us, Everyone!

Chestnuts roasted by Mr. Mr. Mr. @ 12/12/2003 12:29 PM

I think it’s a smashing snowman. Or dashing. Or something.

It’s too bad you had to drink that "beer" while trapped. There are moments when it pays to be a Canuck.

But novelty beers are bad no matter where you are. At least you found a bright spot in the snowstorm. Drinking.

Chestnuts roasted by Sean @ 12/12/2003 12:45 PM

I can’t really judge snowmen b/c where I live it doesn’t snow.

Chestnuts roasted by pikachulover @ 12/12/2003 1:20 AM

next time, make a yellow snowman…if you know what i mean…heh heh..yellow snow….aahahaha…get it?

I’ll go sit in the corner now…

Chestnuts roasted by heeloyd @ 12/12/2003 1:28 AM

Give the Snowman a beer next time.

also if you can i’d like to see a review of the old Tales From the Darkside episode Seasons of Belief. I saw this when i was about 10 or so. Freaky christmas episode. I haven’t seen it in about 15 years and need a refresher. You seem to have ease in finding weird crap like this so I thought I’d suggest it to you.

Chestnuts roasted by Rattrap007 @ 12/12/2003 1:50 AM

I’ll keep an eye out for that, but Tales from the Crypt is kinda tough to review. (semi spoof) What I’d really like to find is the old episode of "Tales from the Darkside," where the unassuming lost young girl temporarily moves in with some nice old couple of strangers that turn out to be cannibals. The climax scene features the old wife knocking her out while she’s in the bath, revealing that the entire tub was actually a pot of boiling water. Awesome stuff, especially for its time.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 12/12/2003 1:54 AM

It never snows in Texas either. Man where’s Ronald McDonald when you need him :(

Chestnuts roasted by Spiffy McKracken @ 12/12/2003 3:26 AM

The Tales from the Darkside series was awesome. I remember a Christmas episode where these giant alien hands broke into this house and killed some kids. I wish I could remember the entire plot but that’s all that was burned into my brain.

Chestnuts roasted by wack0 @ 12/12/2003 3:29 AM

Holy crap i just found it!

"On Christmas Eve, a couple decide to preoccupy their restless children by telling them a fable concerning a massive, winged creature called "The Grither". The children initially balk at the story, which describes the creature as a proud, hateful beast who becomes enraged when it hears its name being spoken aloud. Although it lives at the North Pole, its humongous ears allow it to hear its name being spoken from anywhere in the world, and the parents assure the children that The Grither is well on its way to their house to kill them. The children become progressively more frightened as the story continues, eventually to the point of utter hysteria. Finally, in an effort to calm their children, the parents reveal that the story is make believe. At that moment, the huge arms of The Grither smash through the windows of the house and break the necks of the parents as the children look on in horror."

Chestnuts roasted by wack0 @ 12/12/2003 3:32 AM

MATT I FOUND YOURS!!!

Episode Number 14
First Aired February 3, 1985

"A young girl fleeing her boyfriend finds herself in a small country home with a genial older couple. They take pity on her and invite her in, and even invite her to their special anniversary dinner. After getting her set up in the hot tub with plenty of wine, they start pouring vegetables in. As she passes out, the girl realizes exactly how the couple will be having her for dinner."

Chestnuts roasted by wack0 @ 12/12/2003 3:42 AM

I’m not a Canadian whom partakes in the national youth sport of America-bashing, but one thing about Canada I have no trouble admitting is that Canadian beer is so much better than American beer. Especially the Quebec microbrewery stuff like Unibroue-produced La Fin du Monde or Trois Pistoles or Maudite, which all have full-bodied spicy or fruity or wooden tastes completely different from the fairly uniform American beers, at least the popular ones. And, the cool part is those beers I mentioned are as strong as malt liquor, but they’re sold in normal-sized bottles, not those 40 oz. bottles which, when you buy them, is pretty much tantamount to admitting you (by which I mean "you" in general, not Matt) have a drinking problem.

If you want a pleasant-tasting Christmas beer, and one which won’t knock you out of commission for the rest of the day (since it’s not malt liquor strength), try the world’s most famous Christmas beer (at least it was a Christmas beer originally), Stella Artois from Belgium.

Also, regarding the Family Circus Christmas special, which I am old enough to remember watching when it was new (or just a couple of years old), I always found it amusing that the (fairly mainstream; I’m not making fun of them) Christian organization Focus on the Family sells Family Circus goods in its catalogue yet they’re not aware that Jeff unintentionally practiced necromancy in the Christmas special. Technically it’s true, he got a message from beyond the grave, I don’t know what else you could possibly call it.

I think there was also an Easter special… I remember something about Billy looking inside an elaborate Fabergé-esque egg with a magical Easter bunny land inside.

Chestnuts roasted by Steve Brandon @ 12/12/2003 4:06 AM

fricks sake, that was almost essay quality…

Also Rose’s come in white, and blue and pink and any other color i missed. Yeah im a smartass.

Chestnuts roasted by Captain Planet @ 12/12/2003 6:10 AM

yup that is the episode in a nutshell.

i missed the last bit because had to eat dinner.

was it just a summery or was it a video file?

Chestnuts roasted by rattrap007 @ 12/12/2003 9:16 AM

i’ll come back tomorrow for the next article. great snowman

Chestnuts roasted by Romo @ 12/12/2003 9:35 AM

One of my friends in college used to call the winter Oreos "ebola Oreos" because when you eat them, it can look like your mouth is bleeding.

Chestnuts roasted by Katie @ 12/12/2003 2:02 PM

Be careful when comparing beers. If you cite Canadian microbrews, be sure you can compare them to American microbrews (see California, Colorado, and Oregon brews). (Admittedly, major American brews are pretty much only good for getting drunk.)

Otherwise, it’d be like comparing a filet mignon with a Waffle House T-bone. Thems apples and oranges, boys and girls.

Chestnuts roasted by Nachokhaki @ 12/12/2003 2:17 PM

My, god, the girlfriend.. She exists.

Chestnuts roasted by Iscabibble @ 12/12/2003 4:21 PM

I rembember an episode, I think it was Darkside or Crypt, but it had Santa and he was chasing a girl with a hatchet or axe… It’s been a long time since seeing it.

Chestnuts roasted by dethstryke @ 12/12/2003 5:28 PM

Silent night, Deadly Night and Elves make great movies to laugh at this time of year.

Naughty!!

Chestnuts roasted by Rattrap007 @ 12/12/2003 8:10 PM

Awwww! I think Matt’s snowman is cute, bamboo arms and all! : 0 )

Chestnuts roasted by starwenn @ 12/12/2003 9:34 PM

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This entry was posted on Friday, December 12th, 2003 at 12:24 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.