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New Article: Ancient Chef Boyardee Fettuccine!

Well, the Deli of Christmas Past has struck yet again. You might remember a fairly recent blog entry about some old packs of Jell-O I picked up at one of our local (and really filthy filthy filthy) convenient marts -- I thought I'd finally cleaned the place out of all the foodstuffs capable of killing a person, but check out what we found last night: an ancient can of Chef Boyardee "Fettuccine!" Boy oh Boyardee. My pals Amstel and Orion have the honor of introducing you guys to this lost treasure, so go read the article and try not to smell or taste anything vicariously. By the way, does anyone know if the Chef still makes this crud? We couldn't find any recent version at the supermarket to compare it to. It wasn't a crushing moment, but I think I said "aw man, they don't have any." About three levels away from a crushing moment. Yeah.

By the way, you know those "great articles" I keep alluding to for this month? I started putting the first one together, and by God, get yourselves excited right now. Trust me on this one. I was hoping to get it up by Friday, but that might be tough, so Monday at the latest. (weekend readers might get a early look) Rarely do I get so amped about an article that I don't know where to start, but this one is throwing me for all sorts of loops. You won't believe it. This is the big one. Stay tuned...

Posted by Matt on 11/05/2003. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 99 comments

Mmmm, death by fettucine. To create an entire article out of a can of old and forever dead slop is a journalist’s dream. Matt, you are my dream, and the dreamer is tired. Time for bed! Fare thee well!

Chestnuts roasted by Armagideon Time @ 11/05/2003 2:15 AM

Wow how did i miss that first post… well anyway INSOMICACS UNITE!

Chestnuts roasted by Jared @ 11/05/2003 2:34 AM

Can I be an insomicac?

Chestnuts roasted by Insomniac @ 11/05/2003 2:35 AM

YESSSSS!!!! 4th post!!!

Remember when your teacher would let you grade your own test…and as they called out each answer you would hear a chorus of "yessss". I really loved that :)

Chestnuts roasted by Applesauce @ 11/05/2003 3:46 AM

The minature compostion book is cute.

P.S. I’m not an insomiac I screwed up my internal clock. Eventhough I posted this at 1:00 AM PST

Chestnuts roasted by pikachulover @ 11/05/2003 3:59 AM

I just farted…. and it smells just like stove top stuffing..

extremely odd

Chestnuts roasted by Wicked Nick @ 11/05/2003 4:19 AM

Two things to say, I want a closeup of those demonic baseball players on the mini newspaper, and I WANT THAT CRYSTAL PEPSI! That was the best carbonated beverage ever mixed.

Chestnuts roasted by inkmage @ 11/05/2003 4:52 AM

That image of a gelatinous blob of rancid pasta will forever haunt my dreams… *shudders*

Chestnuts roasted by Xen @ 11/05/2003 8:52 AM

Matt, somehow your expired food and your taste-testing supposed "foods" are some of my favourite articles. And though I’m somewhat disturbed to know how excited I get to see an expired food article, I hope you never stop making them. That said, I gotta ask: what does your girlfriend think about some of the things you do for the site (like having rancid-ass Chef Boyardee smell permeating the apartment (well, his pasta, not Chef Boyardee, himself))? Or does she just chalk it up to you suffering for your art?

Can’t wait for the new stuff: it sounds better than a million orgasms all wrapped up in a bow.

Chestnuts roasted by Molten @ 11/05/2003 9:38 AM

Another quality article, Matt. I have to ask, though – where did you get those Ultimate Muscle toys? They are ace.

Chestnuts roasted by Sparky @ 11/05/2003 9:48 AM

Where the hell did you get the little newspaper and notebook? Also, those figures are really poseable. I’ve never seen a figure with swivel fingers so they could wave. Good job.

Chestnuts roasted by Disco Dave @ 11/05/2003 10:20 AM

i wonder who would win in a fight, McGriddle or old can of Chef Boyardee Fettuccine, I choose you Picachu!

Chestnuts roasted by man at arms is the shizzle @ 11/05/2003 11:03 AM

matt, can you make a story about rancid food with jem or she-ra’s? or maybe even alf or B arthur?

Chestnuts roasted by missy @ 11/05/2003 11:14 AM

applesauce, only the geeks and the cheaters liked grading thier own tests. I had too many guilt complexes and the yes’s didnt help.

Chestnuts roasted by missy @ 11/05/2003 11:15 AM

what kind of review is this?! You should have at least tasted it. Now i’ll never know what canned fettuccine tastes like. Dangnabbit!

Chestnuts roasted by Skiwlz @ 11/05/2003 11:31 AM

You know once I found a canvas camp sack in my parents garage. It had a very well aged can of Hormel Beef Stew rusting in the bottom under all the camp supplies. I cracked it open, nuked it, and ate it. I didn’t die or anything. Someone up top is lookin out fo da spazz!

Chestnuts roasted by spazzamatic @ 11/05/2003 1:32 PM

Man, that Chef Boyardee sure is a fan of that "hearty meat sauce." Pretty much everything he makes is smothered in that stuff…

Chestnuts roasted by Gordo @ 11/05/2003 1:37 PM

Good God, this new article is sure getting a hell of a build-up. Can anything possibly justify the hype? If Matt hadn’t already done it, I woulda guessed Unicron, but now I’m just stumped… and waiting with bated breath.

"Who ever heard of a squash-o’lantern, Kenny? That’s hella-lame!"

-D

Chestnuts roasted by The Lucky One @ 11/05/2003 1:45 PM

The horror…the horror…

I’ve always hated those canned pastas. They all taste like sugary death to me.

Perhaps it’s because I have an Italian Nonna that actually made good pasta.

Except Zoodles. Those kicked ass.

Chestnuts roasted by Sean @ 11/05/2003 2:37 PM

Thank goodness……thank goodness for Chef Boyardee!

And thank goodness for Fettucine!

I wanna die now…

Chestnuts roasted by Does it matter? @ 11/05/2003 3:19 PM

i would have eaten it…i love canned pastas. i eat them right out of the can, no heating needed. :)

Chestnuts roasted by heeloyd @ 11/05/2003 3:19 PM

Matt – do an article on the old Crystal Pepsi

I’m begging you

Chestnuts roasted by Chris @ 11/05/2003 3:38 PM

I have, Chris, though it’s many years old and many years sucky. I’m definitely planning to do a new one very soon.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 11/05/2003 3:44 PM

Matt,

Where did you get the delightful mini notebook, dino poster, and…….. something else was tiny, right? Where were they from? =^^=;;

Chestnuts roasted by jjgoreha @ 11/05/2003 4:02 PM

I’m pretty sure the Chef no longer makes Fettuccine. I’m a regular at his section of the grocery store, and I haven’t seen it. His website http://www.chefboyardee.com/pages/parents_lounge_our_products.html also makes no mention of the fabled pasta. You win the prize, Matt!

Chestnuts roasted by Tony @ 11/05/2003 4:09 PM

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 5th, 2003 at 2:10 am and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.