X-Entertainment's Christmas Season & Advent Calendar, 2008.

11/02/2003: New Article: Texas Chain Saw Massacre REVOOEDDD.

I couldn’t help myself. We spent part of Halloween night watching the original “Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” and I was touched, so here’s a really fucking long review. It’s more of a recap, actually — I wrote it keeping those who’ve never seen the film in mind, because I’d assume those unlucky souls might be a bit curious as to what the movie was actually like. Well, this review should explain it. Every last bit of it. Tons of pics, too. And now it’s 6:30 in the morning. Shoot me, shoot me please. Writing the review was juxtaposed with us painting the apartment a deep crimson, and considering which film I was writing about, it all seemed to blend together appropriately. Hope you enjoy — if you don’t, please don’t tell me. I spent way too long on it. You’ll crushy me spirits ye will. Okay, so Halloween is over, finally, and if you missed it, the Halloween Countdown for 2003 has been completed. Kinda late to mention now, but I did two Halloween-themed articles for UGO last week — a quick look at some cartoons, and eleven of my picks for great Halloween flicks. Get the season out of your system — it’s November godddaaammmit. Speaking of which, you’ll like what’s coming up this week on the site. I know I do.

The countdown was the best thing ever. I wish someone had given me candy in a Ziploc when I was a kid. So many uses.

So…any hints as to what’s going to be on the site next week? You can’t leave us hanging, Matt!

I just realized–after that very thorough and well done review of TCM, it wasn’t in the Top 11. I think you need longer Top ## lists.

Is the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie really that bad? I haven’t heard anything positive about the film at all. I actually bought the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre film on DVD for a friend not long ago (it was only released recently in Australia where I live). I actually didn’t mind Freddy vs Jason though, for what it was worth, humour violence and sex. But I would definitely agree that Texas Chainsaw Massacre is one of the most disturbing. Very cool film.

Awesome "recap" Matt, I don’t think I’ve ever read a review that complete. You really did it justice! Gonna have to pull out my dvd and watch it again.

I’ve seen the second tcm, so I dont think the first is going to do anything to me at all, because I know the second is kind of a spoof.

Great review. Having just picked up the Special Edition DVD, I’ve been looking all over for an in-depth, witty, well written piece on classic TCM and lo and behold, X-E is there. Thanks Matt.

Oh yeah, and review Army of Darkness or He-Man in space. You know you wan’t too.

One of the problems with the new TCM is I was more afraid of the Lee Ermy "Sheriff" character than Leatherface. He seemed more sadistic and real than Thomas Hewitt(Leatherface), who was played off as a picked-on freak that seems to be told by Mamma it’s ok to slice up the people that make fun of him.
No Family-tradition bits that sets up the Hewitt freaky family as generational evil.
I live in Kentucky, and have seen families that looked a hell of a lot like this, sans the murder/cannibalism… though I never been in the houses they live.
Hmm.

I sat through the remake haven’t ever seeing the original, and I knew then it was crap. Then I promptly went and saw the original and truly understood the true meaning of disturbing. The remake forces itself to be scary. In the original, the shit happens more naturally. No wonder everyone in the theater was muttering ‘garbage’.

side Note: In NTCM they changed the name to Hewitt over the classic Sawyer… Didn’t want people thinking a family named Sawyer using Saws to kill was hokey? Jeeze.

Another thing… damn movies like this pop all kinds of memories in your brain that you recall at odd moments.

Remember the overweight trucker running down the other direction at the end of the film? That dude is so screwed… We have a pissed-off Leatherface, the family honor in danger, and a missed dinner of Sally Stew.
Fat trucker BBQ is no doubt coming.

ME WANT MATT BBQ!!!!!!!!
ME WANT MATT BBQ!!!!!!!!
ME WANT MATT BBQ!!!!!!!!
ME WANT MATT BBQ!!!!!!!!

just got done reading the article and i thought it was really well written. I thought it was more like a term paper for a "movie appreciaton class" in college. And with a movie you respect so much, i would have expected no less. good article!

The above comment means I’ve finally seen it. Still haven’t seen the new one though. So yeah. There. Love it forever.

Just wanted to say that I really enjoyed the review. I was a huge fan of Chainsaw years ago, but I haven’t seen it for a long time. The review brought back a lot of memories.

I also like the way you’ve been laying out the recent articles. Feels more personalized.

Matt, you do justice to everything you touch. I guess I am one of those snobs who likes to call TCM a masterpiece, but you and I know that there is nothing out there that comes close to depravity like this thing does, and pulls it off without making you think it’s trash. I had forgotten the scene where the guy is smacking Sally with the broom and laughing. That’s so messed up. His laugh, that crazy shifty look in his eyes–I firmly believe this stuff to be the art side of exploitation.

Okay, so I’m not a horror film person. Scariest movies I’ve ever seen are the TV-editted "Carrie", "The Faculty", and "The Sixth Sense". So, not very bad at all.

But, in any case, I am now positive that I will never watch TCM. Ever. Gahhhh. I feel dirty after reading the review, and I couldn’t even tell what was going on half the time. Ewwwwww.

wow man,you are brilliant.you did that movie a justice i havnt seen.ever.you captured how sadistic and wrong that movie really was.now i have to go watch that creepy damn thing

I’m with Melanie - good movie or not, I’m just not a horror movie fan. "The Worst Witch" is probably the only one of the Halloween movies he mentions that I’ll get anywhere near.

So, that leaves the cartoons. I wish I could see some of these now. "It’s the Great Pumpkin" is, of course, avalible on video and DVD, as are several installments of the Simpsons "Treehouse of Horror." I actually have a (falling apart) comic book version of "Garfield’s Halloween Adventure" called "Garfield in Disguise." My parents taped "Disney’s Halloween Treat" off the Disney Channel in the late 80s, and I believe some variant is avalible on video. "Halloween is Grinch Night" was recently re-released on video and DVD along with several other Dr. Seuss-based cartoons.

The others seem to have fallen through the cracks. I very vaguely recall seeing "Witch’s Night Out" on cable when I was a kid, but I haven’t seen it in ages; ditto the Pac-Man special.

Yeah, yeah, I’m with Melanie too… holy frickin’ cripes, just Matt’s review alone scared the holy hell outta me! I guess, though, that was the whole point of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, right? Still… BLEARGH! :(~

Matt, two things: One, in the new TMNT(I know you don’t watch it, but what the hey.), Krang’s species has shown up! We’re not gonna see the actual Krang himself, but this is where the old writers got the idea.

Two, could you maybe sometime review what’s become my all-time fave holiday film, The Nightmare Before Christmas? It’s begging for your kind of dissection. Just missed Halloween, but maybe come December?

To Melanie, Starwenn, and Trent–don’t worry about not having a stomach for horror films. I understand what it’s like. Watching a movie for the expressed purpose of being frightened seems like a self-destructive thing to do. What you might want to do, if you have any curiosity is tackle some of the ridiculous horror movies made in the last twenty years. Matt’s reviewed quite a number of those gems. They’re horror but they’re so poorly done that you can’t take any of it seriously and simply must laugh. I’d like to point out Evil Dead 2. It might be pretty hardcore and you probably want to stay away, but you can’t watch the film seriously. Sam Raimi and company did it as a joke homage to their previous efforts. Sure a man cuts off his own hand with a chainsaw in it, but the expression on his face and the ridiculous amount of blood becomes so laughable that it’s not disgusting anymore. If you don’t care for horror movies on principle I understand and we don’t judge you, but I think maybe you should give some a shot. I’m sure as a board we could recomend a great quantity of crap horror.

Hey there Inkmage, good points, I might just rent out Evil Dead 2 or somethin’ like that… while I’m not into the rape/torture scenes and that kind of crap, I’m always up from some bloodshed if it’s in the name of good fun — yeah, make some suggestions!

But hey, I ain’t worried about being judged… say what you want man, I’m fully willing to admit I’m a big old ‘fraidy cat

And I have seen *parts* of the Evil Dead series. Hell, every time I pick up a shotgun in a video game, I yell, "THIS IS MY BOOOOOOM STICK!"

Matt, how can you call it a waste of $?? You can write all the stuff you bought and wrote about as a work expense, can’t you? It must be fun to do your taxes when you get deductions for fake blood.

congratulations matt! since we dont have halloween in australia, you did a great job making me feel the "halloween spirit" and thats a very hard thing to do indeed.

its been a great halloween countdown! the countdown is how i celebrated really, since i didnt do anything on the 31st XD

An X-mas countdown does sound nice but a thanksgiving/turkey day countdown sounds even more delicious…you could count down the best/worst side dishes to go with the turkey. Just a suggestion

Haha some Australians make lame attempts at Halloween celebrations, I know we had about 2 kids come to our door for trick or treats.

When I first started reading reviews for the new movie with everyone comparing it to the original, I thought: "I wish Matt would review it, cause I sure know I won’t find it anywhere down here." Lo and behold, Matt delivers. Way to go, Matt!

On a side note, I just translated and subtitled for Brazilian cable a movie called "The Dungeonmaster". It’s filled to the brim with bad costumes, bad effects, terrible lines and a script that shouldn’t really exist. And it even opens with a gratuitious tit shot that has nothing to do with the overall story of the movie! Talk about a gem, huh? Dig it up, Matt, you’ll like it. But look for the version with the dream sequence on the beginning, otherwise no tits. IMDB says one is the US version and the other is the UX version, but I don’t remember which one is tit-free. I know mine wasn’t.

Excellent Halloween Countdown Matt! You’re the best: I’m having a cigarette as we speak.

Maybe I’ll be able to see The Texas Chainsaw Massacre now. Somehow, it might not be so scary if I know what awful, horrible thing is going to happen next. On the other hand, it might be just as bad: I still jump even if I just know that a jump-out scene is coming. The most impressive thing about the remake of TCM was how during the trailer ads in theaters the lights would go out and you could hear eveything as though you were in the house. Okay, I’m easily impressed.

Roddy, The Dungeonmaster sounds a lot like Nude For Satan, one of a line of sexploitation euroflics that have been liberally coated with cheeze, wherein the opening shot is some woman running full-frontal through a wooded area. Great dialogue too: "What is memory but a fraction of time wrapped in the parentheses of the past?" The special effects are consistent with the overall production quality of the flic, too. Excellent, excellent bad movie.

Roddy — I actually have that movie, and it’s so unbelievable/bad that I’ve not found the motivation needed to do it justice for a review. I will eventually though. For those who haven’t seen it, think Creepshow meets Star Wars meets Evil Dead, with a script penned by a 2nd grader and costumes sewn by a rat.

Was anyone else thinking of Turner Classic Movies as they were reading the review?

I could pretty much watch a Friday the 13th movie in a haunted insane asylum in the middle of the night while chewing on pickled pigs feet soaked in a vinagrette and barbeque sauce and playing with rabid rats, but my memory of the chainsaw massacre dinner scene on a Sunday afternoon 15 years ago still sits with me today. Just like that butt-rape scene in "The Prince of Tides". Anywho, I was thinking of renting the film to see if it was as bad as I remembered, but my wife protested. The review has satisfied any need I thought I had to see it again. If the rest of you haven’t seen it once, do it so the next time you pick up a hammer, you too can act like grandpa at the dinner table.

I think I have an idea as to what Matt has in store for us over the next week. November is here soon, thanksgiving is too lame of a holiday for Matt to do anything on, and November is also the month that comes before December.

Oh, and to answer TOP1214’s question: Yes. TCM did in fact make me think of Turner Classic Movies. (sarcastically) I wonder why.

That reminded me a lot of "House of 1000 corpses" which Rob Zombie said was supposed to me simmiler to "clasics" such as TCM. If you ever have the chance to see "House of 1000 Corpses", don’t. Stare at the wall for an hour and a half. It will be much more entertaining. Seriously one of the worst films ever. And now I come to find out a cheap knock off.

Trent, this site: http://www.badmovies.org/movies/index.html
has a great list of great crap horror. Some ones to take notice of, the Troll movies, the Carnosaur movies, the Leprechaun movies. Also look for movies reviewed by Joe Bob Briggs, the man knows his B-horror. But still, Matt has reviewed several wonderful crap horror films. Take a look here at the "Spooky Archive": http://www.x-entertainment.com/spookyarchive/

This movie was really great. My only beef with this movie was that there was too much screaming. Every third and fourth word was "AAAAHHHHHH". I though it was kinda funny how leather face could keep up with her at that size and with a big chainsaw.

Matt, your review was creepier than the movie because listening to Sally scream for an hour really put me off the whole thing. I appreciated a lot of it but just could not enjoy it because of that. If Hooper had had them put a fucking gag on her for a fraction of the time she was captured I would have enjoyed the movie much, much more. By the time it was over, I was praying for Leatherface to get her just so she’d shut the fuck up.

Yeah, I get what you’re saying — still, she’s pretty good at the screaming, at least. Didn’t seem too forced.

Someone else up above mentioned LFace’s strange ability to run very fast despite carrying the chainsaw. Following that, some trivia: Gunnar was in fact so fast that, even while wearing heels, he had to improvise a bunch of quirky gestures during the chase scene so as not to catch up with the much slower (and pretty legitimately banged up) Marilyn.

I tried to focus only on the movie in the review, because it’s unfair to praise a movie based on the surrounding lore and legend since that’s a coup we couldn’t give to most other flicks. That said, the more you read about TCM, the more interesting it becomes. It’s sort of the same thing for fans of "The Exorcist" — all kinds of kooky shit happened in and around the sets, and the cast was really beat up during filming.

Even a bad movie seems more appreciable when you hear about all of the guts and sweat and hard work poured into it. When you actually LIKE the movie though, it’s even more heightened.

This flick is masochistic just to watch (in a good way). It’s the kind of flick that makes you say WHAAAAAA?!?!? at least twenty times. Beutiful.

But then, I also liked the new one. I accepted it, not as a remake of a good film, but as it’s own film. And in that respect, it works well. Much better than most contemporary horror movies anyway.

hey Matt, I’ve been reading your site for a little over a year. your stuff is great.

TCM claims to be based on a true story?
Anyone know of such events?
Matt, should we wait for the "new" TCM to come to video & not waste the $$$ at the theaters? The local papers (Phila.) gave it decent reviews.

If you’re going to see TCM, see it in theaters. Unless you’ve got a real big television and great speakers. I’d imagine there’s probably going to be stuff on the DVD that’s much cooler than anything in the film.

why not instead of asking whether its based on a true story and actually read the article matt painstakingly prepared for us. he himself explains the real life connection…..

Ive nver seen this movie but it kinda reminds me of house of 1000 corpses. And the dinner scene is reminiscent of rocky horrors dinner scene. Also i hope matt does a review of the new or old dawn of the dead when they remake that movie soon.

TCM looks like a good afternoon matinee movie. (If I end up pissed at the movie, I will have only spent 1/2 the cash.)

The old one had a better meta-textual message (the same sort of thing that House of 1000 Corpses aspired to), wherein that despite yourself as an actualized person in the universe, sometimes…you’re f**ked. Its pointless and arbitrary violence for no good reason.

The new one was a far better movie for me because I thought it was simply better made. Better cinematography, better editing, better effects, and characters I sort of actually found myself caring about (for a reason that I don’t fully understand yet). But Noam Chomsky and Carl Jung would be proud of this piece of moral propaganda in the vein of every Friday the 13th movie and urban legend you’ve ever heard. Because they injected Leatherface’s motivation, the presence of a pinata full of marijuana, and even a little livin’ in sin - Leatherface loses his facelessness and purposelessness and becomes a cosmic harbinger of universal order. Its just not scary when the madness is totally methodical.

> That said, the more you read about TCM, the more interesting it becomes. It’s sort of
> the same thing for fans of "The Exorcist" — all kinds of kooky shit happened in and
> around the sets

KInd of like this piece of news:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/3209223.stm
Even as a hardcore skeptic-atheist, that’s a pretty impressive coincidence. God done smoted him twice, and he done been smited.

Speaking of which, when did Mel Gibson learn to write Latin and Aramaic? Not that I’m casting aspersions on Mel Gibson’s intelligence [cast, cast] but. . .I’m guessing that that was the other co-writer’s job.

okay holy friggin crap matt.. i just went to UGO to read your cartoon article.. you conjured all sorts of awful images with this little tidbit..

"…The story focused mainly on Linus’ stern belief that a mystical "Great Pumpkin" arrives at pumpkin patches on Halloween night to give presents to all the good boys and girls. Sally tags along for the unfruitful wait despite her better judgment, evidently because Linus is one sexy mofo and a night spent alone with him is worth it even without getting presents. "

now, i may be completely mistaken but i always thought linus and sally were brother and sister.. who needs TCM when youve got that lil image running through your head…

The good horror movies are the ones where you get emotionally beat up watching them.

i should really know better than to doubt you.. when have you ever steered us wrong?

Ah, thanks for the link, Inkmage… they even did a review of Deathrace 2000! Been interested in that flick ever since I played Carmageddon. Sweet

i didn’t like TCM when i saw it but you’re review made me see the film for what it was, i was expecting scares and a plot…but it was meant to be gross out and mindless violence .. silly me guess i should go onto imdb and apoliogise for my bitching ….good review!

Good job on the recap/review of TCM. The first time i saw TCM had to have been 4 or 5 years ago and it scared the bejesus out of me and i’m someone who watches these fucking things all the time! Im still debating wether or not i want to see the remake or just ignore it. Love XE man and the halloween countdown, Fucking Hilarious! Keep up the good work, and thank you for sitting through so many shitty movies.

hey all, first off: great article Matt, your review definitely has me all ashamed of not having seen TCM. Luckily it’s on tomorrow (here in Holland), dunno if I’ll tape it or watch it at night…Any advice?
Judging by the comments, it has a huge ‘chilling’ factor, I’m kinda surprised that I didn’t hear the ring (or Ringu, eh Matt : ) ) mentioned, when the pieces started falling together there I was stunned…Still, I suppose the ring leaves another impression because the ‘well on tv’ scene hoggs up all the memories. Man, when even the walk is evil, you don’t care what her story is.

Secondly, I saw a great stupid movie a while ago, and I HAVE TO KNOW WHAT IT IS. The plot involved a mutated dog that got mixed up with a million other animals giving him superior speed and hearing etc…If not given remedy, he’ll get all evil and stuff. Anyway, the flick had some very memorable scenes, I remember distinctly the ones where superdog rapes another dog, and where he swallows a cat (Who isn’t sold on this thing already?) I think it’s movie is cut out to be reviewed here on X-E , perhaps you should check it out Matt? Anyone who has: please tell me the name!

That movie sounded like Watchers, but I would try Badmovies.org or RottenTomatoes.com because it’s probably been written about already.

And I liked reading the summary just to see what I missed from watching it the first time around. I never considered that the truck at the end could’ve been bringing her back. Now that is a creepy thought…

And thanks for mentioning Jacob’s Ladder. That is one weird ass movie and the ending is superb. Maybe you could do that one next Matt.

That stupid dog film sounds like "Man’s Best Friend" from 1993 and starring Ally Sheedy and Lance Henriksen.

Man’s best friend, that’s the one, thanks F-13. I had so much fun watching it… According to some reviews, it’s not that bad though, even made 15 million or so. Guess seeing it at 2 am with your cousin makes it a whole lot funnier than it actually is…

Thinking of these horror movies makes me miss Saturday Night Frights on USA. They showed the coolest damn movies.

I just want to say, congrats, Matt. You managed to creep me out majorly with your review of TCM. Of course, I’m a big wuss, but I was seriously squirming in my seat as I scrolled down. Keep up the good work!

I’m not the kind of guy who usually puts effort into seeing the "originals" when a movie gets Americanized, but in the case of "The Ring," "Ringu" is far superior on almost every level. Don’t get me wrong — for what it’s worth, "The Ring" stands up very well against most of the most horror crap we’re fed, but Ringu was just a creepier movie all around. When the little chick comes out of the TV set in the Jap version, she’s a whole lot scarier. It’s worth seeing just for that.

I’d like to see ringu, availability is kind of an issue though when you’re living in the stupid Netherlands and and can’t make use of a creditcard. Did do some browsing though, seen some ringu pics, scariest one I found was "the eye", looks pretty creepy.
Of course there is only some much one can gather from pics, so I can’t really compare. Man have to land me a copy of the original.
Still, what got me in the remake’s version of that awesome scene was Samara’s mouth, come on, admit it, that’s an evil snarl.
In fact I can’t stop thinking about that snarl. You guys have to help me out: Is it me, or does Samara’s face bear a remarkable resemblance to Ann B. Davis’ pouty face in Matt’s ‘a very brady christmas special’ article?
It’s really freaking me out!

Ringu (the original) is widely available in the Netherlands. Go check out you local videostore dude. Here around Rotterdam they are easily obtainable.

Yeah,I guess the Ring is better than..say…Ghost Ship, or Feardotcom, or Dreamcatcher.But it’s still a F’in horrid idea for a movie.A video that kills you? Get back to the Blockbuster Racks.

Just wanted to toss some info. There’s another horror J-flick called, "Audition." It may not be the most scariest thing. But, when ever I talk about the film with people that have seen it, they tell me that they got messed up in the head. I even have friends that hate the film because it disgusts them. I think the movie is dope; it starts with the feel of a romantic comedy, then it severely takes a walk on the darkside. If you are looking to get disturbed, check the film out.

I really liked The Texas Chainsaw massacre. I saw the remake first, and I thought "Eh, another stalk slasher." Well, that, and "how the hell do you chase someone down with a running chainsaw and only one arm???". Some days afterwards, I got the original out. It made the remake look neutered, no balls whatsoever. It was so bizzare and otherworldly. A+ for the original, C for the re-make. I also liked the freaky hitchhiker dude.

Great article. You wrote it well. But, ironically, it makes me not want to see it rather than see it (like you intended).

i saw the remake first and thought it was good, until i saw the original, and decided the remake sucked for multiple reasons. for me the worst thing about the remake was the fact that i wanted all the teens to die…i’m not sadistic or anything, i don’t think, just i didn’t feel an ounce of pity for them. they seemed so much less innocent than the original teens, espcially the couple getting it on in the back of the van at the very beginning, i mean WHAT THE HELL?? anyway, by the time people started losing limbs in the remake i was cheering Leather Face on. when i saw the original i was drowning in sympathy for all the kids…even the retard. plus the original is so gritty (even though it’s probably because it’s old) and, like you mentioned in the review, there’s lack of reason for the events, the fact that its just happening, i love that. it’s just awesome. great review/recap, i can’t even avoid this site anymore when i’m online, keep it up!!!

what the heck that freeked me and my cousin out was that the real pitchers i can not bealive that happend that was so weird and why was the guy humpping the girl mabby because he did not have a girl friend he was ugly u ant got no alibly hes ulgy YA YO my cousin says HI good bye faggets

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