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11/02/2003: New Article: Texas Chain Saw Massacre REVOOEDDD.

I couldn’t help myself. We spent part of Halloween night watching the original “Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” and I was touched, so here’s a really fucking long review. It’s more of a recap, actually — I wrote it keeping those who’ve never seen the film in mind, because I’d assume those unlucky souls might be a bit curious as to what the movie was actually like. Well, this review should explain it. Every last bit of it. Tons of pics, too. And now it’s 6:30 in the morning. Shoot me, shoot me please. Writing the review was juxtaposed with us painting the apartment a deep crimson, and considering which film I was writing about, it all seemed to blend together appropriately. Hope you enjoy — if you don’t, please don’t tell me. I spent way too long on it. You’ll crushy me spirits ye will. Okay, so Halloween is over, finally, and if you missed it, the Halloween Countdown for 2003 has been completed. Kinda late to mention now, but I did two Halloween-themed articles for UGO last week — a quick look at some cartoons, and eleven of my picks for great Halloween flicks. Get the season out of your system — it’s November godddaaammmit. Speaking of which, you’ll like what’s coming up this week on the site. I know I do.


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Discussion Thread: 87 comments

Ive nver seen this movie but it kinda reminds me of house of 1000 corpses. And the dinner scene is reminiscent of rocky horrors dinner scene. Also i hope matt does a review of the new or old dawn of the dead when they remake that movie soon.

Ghosted by the corinthian @ 11/03/2003 10:47 PM EST

Thanks "in"

I must have overlooked that exerpt in the opening of Matt’s article…

TCM looks like a good afternoon matinee movie. (If I end up pissed at the movie, I will have only spent 1/2 the cash.)

Ghosted by TheCleaner420 @ 11/03/2003 11:09 PM EST

okay holy friggin crap matt.. i just went to UGO to read your cartoon article.. you conjured all sorts of awful images with this little tidbit..

"…The story focused mainly on Linus’ stern belief that a mystical "Great Pumpkin" arrives at pumpkin patches on Halloween night to give presents to all the good boys and girls. Sally tags along for the unfruitful wait despite her better judgment, evidently because Linus is one sexy mofo and a night spent alone with him is worth it even without getting presents. "

now, i may be completely mistaken but i always thought linus and sally were brother and sister.. who needs TCM when youve got that lil image running through your head…

Ghosted by FreakinCrazay @ 11/04/2003 12:25 PM EST

Sally is Charlie Brown’s sister. Everyone knows that! :)

Ghosted by Matt @ 11/04/2003 12:30 PM EST

Matt,
You’re one secksy ass bitch. Keep up the good work, mofo!

Ghosted by Brenna @ 11/04/2003 12:34 PM EST

Too afraid to watch horror movies?

Wussies.

The good horror movies are the ones where you get emotionally beat up watching them.

The original TCM is one of those movies.

Ghosted by Bloodcat @ 11/04/2003 12:35 PM EST

you are so right, my bad, i was thinking of lucy instead of sally.

i feel downright silly now.

but on the upside its good to get those nasty thoughts outta my head.

Ghosted by FreakinCrazay @ 11/04/2003 12:36 PM EST

i should really know better than to doubt you.. when have you ever steered us wrong?

Ghosted by FreakinCrazay @ 11/04/2003 12:37 PM EST

I like both the movies, the new one and the old one for different reasons.

The old one had a better meta-textual message (the same sort of thing that House of 1000 Corpses aspired to), wherein that despite yourself as an actualized person in the universe, sometimes…you’re f**ked. Its pointless and arbitrary violence for no good reason.

The new one was a far better movie for me because I thought it was simply better made. Better cinematography, better editing, better effects, and characters I sort of actually found myself caring about (for a reason that I don’t fully understand yet). But Noam Chomsky and Carl Jung would be proud of this piece of moral propaganda in the vein of every Friday the 13th movie and urban legend you’ve ever heard. Because they injected Leatherface’s motivation, the presence of a pinata full of marijuana, and even a little livin’ in sin – Leatherface loses his facelessness and purposelessness and becomes a cosmic harbinger of universal order. Its just not scary when the madness is totally methodical.

But I must say, the ending ruled.

Ghosted by Cannibalizer @ 11/04/2003 1:24 AM EST

Smurfy!

> That said, the more you read about TCM, the more interesting it becomes. It’s sort of
> the same thing for fans of "The Exorcist" — all kinds of kooky shit happened in and
> around the sets

KInd of like this piece of news:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/3209223.stm
Even as a hardcore skeptic-atheist, that’s a pretty impressive coincidence. God done smoted him twice, and he done been smited. ;)

Speaking of which, when did Mel Gibson learn to write Latin and Aramaic? Not that I’m casting aspersions on Mel Gibson’s intelligence [cast, cast] but. . .I’m guessing that that was the other co-writer’s job.

Ghosted by Molten @ 11/04/2003 6:01 AM EST

Ah, thanks for the link, Inkmage… they even did a review of Deathrace 2000! Been interested in that flick ever since I played Carmageddon. Sweet :)

Ghosted by Trent @ 11/04/2003 1:22 PM EST

this is your ass
(_o_)
This is your ass in jail
(_O_)
Peace out biotches

Ghosted by moo @ 11/04/2003 4:33 PM EST

i didn’t like TCM when i saw it but you’re review made me see the film for what it was, i was expecting scares and a plot…but it was meant to be gross out and mindless violence .. silly me guess i should go onto imdb and apoliogise for my bitching ….good review!

Ghosted by NatE @ 11/05/2003 12:56 PM EST

i didn’t like TCM when i saw it but you’re review made me see the film for what it was, i was expecting scares and a plot…but it was meant to be gross out and mindless violence .. silly me guess i should go onto imdb and apoliogise for my bitching ….good review!

Ghosted by NatE @ 11/05/2003 12:57 PM EST

Good job on the recap/review of TCM. The first time i saw TCM had to have been 4 or 5 years ago and it scared the bejesus out of me and i’m someone who watches these fucking things all the time! Im still debating wether or not i want to see the remake or just ignore it. Love XE man and the halloween countdown, Fucking Hilarious! Keep up the good work, and thank you for sitting through so many shitty movies.

Ghosted by Dave @ 11/05/2003 8:26 PM EST

You said that already

Ghosted by Byrd_man @ 11/05/2003 10:16 PM EST

hey all, first off: great article Matt, your review definitely has me all ashamed of not having seen TCM. Luckily it’s on tomorrow (here in Holland), dunno if I’ll tape it or watch it at night…Any advice?
Judging by the comments, it has a huge ‘chilling’ factor, I’m kinda surprised that I didn’t hear the ring (or Ringu, eh Matt : ) ) mentioned, when the pieces started falling together there I was stunned…Still, I suppose the ring leaves another impression because the ‘well on tv’ scene hoggs up all the memories. Man, when even the walk is evil, you don’t care what her story is.

*shudder* anyway, I’d like to hear all of your opinions on the ring as well.

Secondly, I saw a great stupid movie a while ago, and I HAVE TO KNOW WHAT IT IS. The plot involved a mutated dog that got mixed up with a million other animals giving him superior speed and hearing etc…If not given remedy, he’ll get all evil and stuff. Anyway, the flick had some very memorable scenes, I remember distinctly the ones where superdog rapes another dog, and where he swallows a cat (Who isn’t sold on this thing already?) I think it’s movie is cut out to be reviewed here on X-E , perhaps you should check it out Matt? Anyone who has: please tell me the name!

Ghosted by David @ 11/06/2003 11:55 PM EST

That movie sounded like Watchers, but I would try Badmovies.org or RottenTomatoes.com because it’s probably been written about already.

And I liked reading the summary just to see what I missed from watching it the first time around. I never considered that the truck at the end could’ve been bringing her back. Now that is a creepy thought…

And thanks for mentioning Jacob’s Ladder. That is one weird ass movie and the ending is superb. Maybe you could do that one next Matt.

Ghosted by jason1551 @ 11/07/2003 1:37 AM EST

That stupid dog film sounds like "Man’s Best Friend" from 1993 and starring Ally Sheedy and Lance Henriksen.

Ghosted by F-13 @ 11/07/2003 6:53 AM EST

Man’s best friend, that’s the one, thanks F-13. I had so much fun watching it… According to some reviews, it’s not that bad though, even made 15 million or so. Guess seeing it at 2 am with your cousin makes it a whole lot funnier than it actually is…

Ghosted by David @ 11/07/2003 11:15 AM EST

Thinking of these horror movies makes me miss Saturday Night Frights on USA. They showed the coolest damn movies.

Ghosted by jason1551 @ 11/07/2003 6:47 PM EST

I just want to say, congrats, Matt. You managed to creep me out majorly with your review of TCM. Of course, I’m a big wuss, but I was seriously squirming in my seat as I scrolled down. Keep up the good work!

Ghosted by evilsmurfette @ 11/07/2003 9:23 PM EST

Regarding Ring/Ringu:

I’m not the kind of guy who usually puts effort into seeing the "originals" when a movie gets Americanized, but in the case of "The Ring," "Ringu" is far superior on almost every level. Don’t get me wrong — for what it’s worth, "The Ring" stands up very well against most of the most horror crap we’re fed, but Ringu was just a creepier movie all around. When the little chick comes out of the TV set in the Jap version, she’s a whole lot scarier. It’s worth seeing just for that.

Ghosted by Matt @ 11/08/2003 3:14 PM EST

I’d like to see ringu, availability is kind of an issue though when you’re living in the stupid Netherlands and and can’t make use of a creditcard. Did do some browsing though, seen some ringu pics, scariest one I found was "the eye", looks pretty creepy.
Of course there is only some much one can gather from pics, so I can’t really compare. Man have to land me a copy of the original.
Still, what got me in the remake’s version of that awesome scene was Samara’s mouth, come on, admit it, that’s an evil snarl.
In fact I can’t stop thinking about that snarl. You guys have to help me out: Is it me, or does Samara’s face bear a remarkable resemblance to Ann B. Davis’ pouty face in Matt’s ‘a very brady christmas special’ article?
It’s really freaking me out!

Ghosted by David @ 11/08/2003 9:17 PM EST

Ringu (the original) is widely available in the Netherlands. Go check out you local videostore dude. Here around Rotterdam they are easily obtainable.

Ghosted by Benjamin Groeneweg @ 11/11/2003 5:23 AM EST

Yeah,I guess the Ring is better than..say…Ghost Ship, or Feardotcom, or Dreamcatcher.But it’s still a F’in horrid idea for a movie.A video that kills you? Get back to the Blockbuster Racks.

Ghosted by Icymatt @ 11/13/2003 1:51 PM EST

Just wanted to toss some info. There’s another horror J-flick called, "Audition." It may not be the most scariest thing. But, when ever I talk about the film with people that have seen it, they tell me that they got messed up in the head. I even have friends that hate the film because it disgusts them. I think the movie is dope; it starts with the feel of a romantic comedy, then it severely takes a walk on the darkside. If you are looking to get disturbed, check the film out.

Ghosted by poison @ 11/30/2003 3:05 PM EST

Just wanted to toss some info. There’s another horror J-flick called, "Audition." It may not be the most scariest thing. But, when ever I talk about the film with people that have seen it, they tell me that they got messed up in the head. I even have friends that hate the film because it disgusts them. I think the movie is dope; it starts with the feel of a romantic comedy, then it severely takes a walk on the darkside. If you are looking to get disturbed, check the film out.

Ghosted by poison @ 11/30/2003 3:05 PM EST

This also happened in Wisconsin, not Texas

Ghosted by asdf @ 04/10/2004 3:03 AM EDT

nice

Ghosted by jake @ 04/10/2004 8:33 PM EDT

This could have been scarier,like the movie!!!!!!!!!!!

Ghosted by Funky Monky @ 04/10/2004 8:36 PM EDT

I really liked The Texas Chainsaw massacre. I saw the remake first, and I thought "Eh, another stalk slasher." Well, that, and "how the hell do you chase someone down with a running chainsaw and only one arm???". Some days afterwards, I got the original out. It made the remake look neutered, no balls whatsoever. It was so bizzare and otherworldly. A+ for the original, C for the re-make. I also liked the freaky hitchhiker dude.

Ghosted by EhhEff @ 06/17/2004 4:43 PM EDT

Great article. You wrote it well. But, ironically, it makes me not want to see it rather than see it (like you intended).

:D

Ghosted by Erik @ 06/19/2004 8:10 PM EDT

i saw the remake first and thought it was good, until i saw the original, and decided the remake sucked for multiple reasons. for me the worst thing about the remake was the fact that i wanted all the teens to die…i’m not sadistic or anything, i don’t think, just i didn’t feel an ounce of pity for them. they seemed so much less innocent than the original teens, espcially the couple getting it on in the back of the van at the very beginning, i mean WHAT THE HELL?? anyway, by the time people started losing limbs in the remake i was cheering Leather Face on. when i saw the original i was drowning in sympathy for all the kids…even the retard. plus the original is so gritty (even though it’s probably because it’s old) and, like you mentioned in the review, there’s lack of reason for the events, the fact that its just happening, i love that. it’s just awesome. great review/recap, i can’t even avoid this site anymore when i’m online, keep it up!!!

Ghosted by fightclubjack @ 10/01/2004 5:23 PM EDT

what the heck that freeked me and my cousin out was that the real pitchers i can not bealive that happend that was so weird and why was the guy humpping the girl mabby because he did not have a girl friend he was ugly u ant got no alibly hes ulgy YA YO my cousin says HI good bye faggets

Ghosted by jackedup @ 03/26/2007 12:20 PM EST

i love the texas chainsaw massacre so much this movie rules c-ya

Ghosted by Tess @ 03/27/2007 2:36 PM EST

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