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09/08/2003: Hulk Ball Still <3’s Shortcake Ball.


hulk never be the same hulk without shortcake ball love. will now forever resort to old wine and saké to overcome girl loss. hope she and surfer ball happy. if today was opposite day. strawberry whorecake. ah ha ha.

but wait. me have trouble getting over ball. god, give hulk a sign. if hulk should continue obsessing over scented vixen, give hulk sign.

hey!

god how come you no answer hulk when hulk’s mom was dying?

oh no. this is a sign. shortcake sunglasses. hulk doomed.

hulk doomed, and hulk silly. everything look like candy. odd. not all candy is pink. hulk need different sign, god. this one feel like fluke.

who keep throwing shit at me?

three signs! god give hulk three signs! this mean i get to make shortcake shrine. finally. something for hulk to do.

wait here second. shortcake is a donut?

shortcake is a donut! oh my sweet pea cake woman. why you turn into ball and leave hulk for other balls? we should be together and snugglerous like mama and baby panda. less platonic though.

should hulk eat shortcake dessert roll? hulk sign his heart away with each bite. a slave to strawberry love. little debbie make forbidden fruit. wonder if she single?

must resist temptation. shortcake no want hulk. only silver ball. i eat and i doomed. but pastry look so tasty. hulk am powerless. am ball too.

no no no! stop me hulk must stop! cannot eat girl cake, but cannot look away from girl cake’s swirly center. if only it did not magically break into easily managed and perfectly posed sections. then hulk be able to resist. now not. hulk ball weak. weak with passion.

hulk had time of his life. no hulk never felt this way before. hulk swear…it the truth! hulk owe it all to youuuu.

Hulk? Jesus Christ, look at you! I just stopped by to pick up the last of my things. The Surfer and I are moving to Meggigo. That’s how they say “Mexico” in Mexico. “Meggigo.” I’d ask you to come, but I’m sure you’d feel uncomfortable watching your ex trying to copulate with another kickball. Say, what are you eating, anyway?

hulk eating you.

Hmmm. Maybe I should come back later?

with hulk body and soul. hulk want you more than you ever knowwwww.

Hey wait a second, you don’t even have a real mouth!

ang lee teach hulk symbolism last year.


Posted by Matt. E-mail me!

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Discussion Thread: 48 comments

First comment?

Anyway… this is the dirtiest I’ve ever seen kickballs be, besides the obligitory nut shot on America’s Funniest Home Videos. And I like it.

Ghosted by Scelestus Unus @ 09/08/2003 2:45 AM EDT

Oh, and how did you get the damned cake to stay on the ball?

Ghosted by Scelestus Unus @ 09/08/2003 2:46 AM EDT

Ah, sake. Or should I add an "accent aigue" (ALT 130) to distinguish saké from the English word sake (rhymes with cake)? Anyhow, I’m quite the animé fan (in my case I’m more of a fan of series than the sort of one-shot animé films that critics and Academy voters like) and animé is Japanese, just like saké. So, for a couple of Christmases in a row, since I like one thing that’s Japanese, my parents get me some saké to complete the "liking Japanese stuff" circle. Now, I had tried saké once before, at a restaurant, and it’s pleasant enough tasting, tasting sort of like rice and sort of like wine (well, duh, it’s rice wine). But, it’s not the sort of thing I can drink every night, like beer, and it’s not the sort of alcohol I can really mix into a drink, like with vodka. So, basically, I had three bottles of the stuff lying around for a couple of years, until I made a remarkable discovery… the stuff is excellent to drink if you wake up an hour or two before you actually want to get up and want to get back to sleep, but you don’t want to drink a whole beer or a vodka screwdriver and either knock yourself out for many hours, or wake up in a woozy state. It gets you relaxed enough to get back to sleep if you’re a little nervous (like I always am), but the effects are completely gone by the time you wake up. Okay, I’m sure any other not-too-hard liquor would probably work just as well, but saké is actually meant to be drinken warm, so you can keep a bottle of the stuff in your room and not have to walk all the way to the fridge, and, of course, saké is actually fairly cheap compared to most non-malt liquor alcohol. So, I can produly declare, doing my finest Sean Connery impression, that, yes, "I like sacky".

Ghosted by Steve Brandon @ 09/08/2003 3:51 AM EDT

By the way, when I talk about having some saké to get back to sleep, I mean one or two little sips, from one of those little ceramic cups that saké usually comes with (at least at Quebec SAQ locations)… I’m not talking about pouring yourself a whole glass of saké, because, you know, if you drink that amount, then you are drinking something 3 or 4 times stronger than beer, and you will be out like a light for hours.

Ghosted by Steve Brandon @ 09/08/2003 3:59 AM EDT

I’m glad you cleared that up. I had an image of you battering into, like, a whole bottle. That would definately knock you right out. I’ve never tried the stuff myself, the oppertunity has never presented itself.

Oh, and good job on the continuing kickball tomfoolery, Matt. You truly are a nutcase :)

Ghosted by Sparky @ 09/08/2003 5:50 AM EDT

Against my better judgement, I’m just gonna go ahead and ask this. Why in that top picture of Hulk are his shorts partially opened?

Ghosted by Hellpop! @ 09/08/2003 6:40 AM EDT

Poor Hulk–you’ve really got to sympathize with the guy. I mean, I think we’ve all been there at one time or another. I did it without the wine, but that’s cuz I’m straight-edge. But poor Hulk. "Oh my sweet pea cake woman"? Lol.

Ghosted by Frostor @ 09/08/2003 7:27 AM EDT

"hulk doomed, and hulk silly."

Funnier words have never been written. I love you.

Ghosted by Evin @ 09/08/2003 7:46 AM EDT

The first pic of Hulk in the shades is about the Greatest Thing I’ve Ever Seen…

Ghosted by KDB @ 09/08/2003 8:56 AM EDT

Just think of the children! Who gets custody of the lil balls?

Ghosted by spazzamatic @ 09/08/2003 9:35 AM EDT

"how did you get the damned cake to stay on the ball"

my guess would be gravity.

Ghosted by mannik @ 09/08/2003 9:48 AM EDT

More likely, the cake stays on the ball due to friction and surface tension. Gravity would want to bring the cake down off the ball.

Science!

Ghosted by Sean @ 09/08/2003 10:27 AM EDT

And don’t forget Little Debby goo makes great glue. (Sticky hand kids hair pull and cry action.)

Ghosted by Nachokhaki @ 09/08/2003 12:22 PM EDT

I’m not too clear on my Shortcake history, but didn’t she have fruit-themed friends? Hulk should hook up with one a’ dem. cherry’s better than strawberry anyway.

Ghosted by sharkie @ 09/08/2003 1:49 PM EDT

Rainbow Bright could Kick Strawberry Shortcake’s ass anyday of the week, Hulk should go for her.

Ghosted by Trippy the 8th Dwarf @ 09/08/2003 2:19 PM EDT

Ah… Mmmm… Ooooh…

I got no clue. And I like it.

Ghosted by Mr. Mr. Mr. @ 09/08/2003 2:42 PM EDT

more halloween and other shit than you ever need for all your pagan holidays!

http://www.orientaltrading.com/

gummy skulls

Ghosted by fthdth @ 09/08/2003 3:30 PM EDT

the saga continues….will hulk ever get her back or will he be driven to ball-suicide…

o yeah as im reading this i am eating some TGI Friday’s potatoe skins from your grocers freezer section. You should try them matt they are…well…interesting…Maybe worthy of a review…when i opened the box i was like "WTF is this!" They looked very unlike what was on the box…there are no microwave directions, so i made up some of my own, since i dont like to wait for the slow ass oven to preheat for an ahour… -_-;

Taste-wise…um…random sized from very large to very small, dry half eaten potatos topped with balls of radioactive cheese product(probably not cheese) and more "bacon" than a double western from carls…what’s not to love…but im sure skeletor could devise a plan for world domination with them somehow…anyways later this week im gonna try the chicken qeusodilla wrap thingys of the same brand…we’ll see what happens.

Ghosted by heeloyd @ 09/08/2003 3:30 PM EDT

hulk had time of his life. no hulk never felt this way before. hulk swear…it the truth! hulk owe it all to youuuu.

I will be singing this for the rest of my life. thank you thank you thank you.

Ghosted by squee4242 @ 09/08/2003 3:59 PM EDT

The balls have been set in motion. It is now inevitable.
Prepare for Part III!
Also, didn’t you say the archives would be up by now?

Ghosted by "MR. GAME & WATCH" @ 09/08/2003 4:05 PM EDT

No no no! That’ll take a while, but like the balls, those wheels are in motion. The Halloween theme should be creeping on this week, though. It’s nice. :D

Ghosted by Matt @ 09/08/2003 4:06 PM EDT

maybe hulk can get up with strawberry shortcakes bigger sister? Shes freakin’ huuuuuge! She would easily dwarf hulk though…but thats not a problem if hulk doesnt have any esteem issues.

Ghosted by kennef @ 09/08/2003 4:23 PM EDT

archives?? i remember those…..ahh yes, the good old days when all of x-e’s illustrious history was cronologically laid out for my convienience. but i think they are gone, gone like the quickies and the animalia sections…. it is a dark, dark day. whered i put the sake?

Ghosted by bigcorey @ 09/08/2003 4:48 PM EDT

"Strawberry Whorecake"

Funniest thing I’ve read all week. Possibly all month. :D

Ghosted by ChaosKitty @ 09/08/2003 10:11 PM EDT

I’m sure it’s been said but matt,
f u c k i n g brilliant.

Ghosted by CalmingEffect @ 09/09/2003 2:35 AM EDT

Heeloyd– Fridays’ spinach artichoke dip is scrupmtious and microwaves up like nobody’s business. Don’t nuke it for as long as they tell you to, though– if it’s still cold in the middle, just stir it up and all will be kosher.

On a side note, that Shortcake sure is a ball-buster, eh? Haha, ball-buster, get it? What is it about this saga that makes me have to type all of these terrible jokes…?

Must be the lack of ANY RESPONSE AT ALL to my cries for a Burple article. >_<

Ghosted by freakachu @ 09/09/2003 2:44 AM EDT

hmm…maybe ill try that dip next week :D

The new chili cheese and sour cream onion varieties of cheez-its are really good too.

Ghosted by heeloyd @ 09/09/2003 3:27 AM EDT

Totally innert and innocent objects and you turn them into something dirty and swarmy. Brillant, just brillant Matt. Keep it up. You made my day.

Ghosted by Rogue-13 @ 09/09/2003 5:21 AM EDT

I’ve seen Matt waste so much good food in these articles! First wendy’s and now the shortcake rolls! Stop the insanity Matt!!

Ghosted by Serpentor @ 09/09/2003 10:22 AM EDT

Dagnabbit, this is hilarious!

MORE HULK!

Ghosted by JC @ 09/09/2003 2:29 PM EDT

Oh. My. God.
Matt somehow managed to take snack cakes, kickballs, and children’s toys and create something so utterly, utterly obscene. I feel like I just got done watching midget porn.
…
…
…
Yet another reason why I would gladly let Matt stab me in the face if he wanted to. He’s just that damned cool.

Ghosted by King Sprocket @ 09/09/2003 5:47 PM EDT

Most. Touching. Story. Ever.

Aside from "Blue Velvet", this may well be the greatest romanatic tale of our time.

Ghosted by Karmic Crimewave @ 09/09/2003 9:46 PM EDT

this is way better than JASON BIGGS rammin’ his junk in some ‘ol stupid pie… HULK is an ANIMAL!!! AN ANIMAL I TELL YOU!!! did you see the way he tore into that pastry… that green machine earned his wings!!!

god bless you HULK… god bless!!!

Ghosted by sithlord @ 09/09/2003 9:52 PM EDT

yo, what’s with the rice wine commentary? some tangent you’ve got there.

Ghosted by lumpkin @ 09/09/2003 10:48 PM EDT

God you’re funny. I love this site…

Ghosted by Allie @ 09/10/2003 1:53 AM EDT

"should hulk eat shortcake dessert roll? hulk sign his heart away with each bite. a slave to strawberry love."-Hulk

There has never been such a poignant expression of loss and desire.

Ghosted by Bardas @ 09/10/2003 3:43 AM EDT

Let us all hope that no one points this page to any American Greetings employees.

Ghosted by t00r @ 09/10/2003 4:14 AM EDT

Better be careful, Matt… Last time I saw a website (Penny Arcade) make fun of Strawberry, they nearly got themselves sued!

*sigh* I miss the forums

Ghosted by Beatthepoet @ 09/10/2003 4:29 AM EDT

Too much Matt, Loving the Hulk balls…

*ahem*

o_O

Ghosted by NES @ 09/10/2003 3:06 PM EDT

What do you mean my "rice wine commentary" is a tangent? Well, okay, it is, but at least it’s on-topic, based on something found in the actual article… well… photo story. And I don’t think Matt will ever do an article about any liquid that isn’t Hi-C related.

Ghosted by Steve Brandon @ 09/10/2003 5:19 PM EDT

For what it’s worth, I liked your sake story. :D

Ghosted by Matt @ 09/10/2003 5:32 PM EDT

"And I don’t think Matt will ever do an article about any liquid that isn’t Hi-C related."

Melted popsicles are liquid.

Ghosted by PaloPinto @ 09/11/2003 11:40 PM EDT

no

Ghosted by No @ 10/30/2003 3:22 PM EST

no

Ghosted by No @ 10/30/2003 3:22 PM EST

XD

That was hilarious, Matt!

Ghosted by ApolloBoy @ 11/16/2003 9:07 PM EST

That was funny. But whats up with all the Strawberry Shortcake merchandise?

Ghosted by AS @ 09/23/2006 1:23 AM EDT

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