It’s a mad, mad world. Mad, mad worlds need something to personify just how mad they really are. Hmmm. Decisions, decisions. Hey wait, I know! LET’S ADD BLUE CARROTS TO APPLE JACKS! BLUE CARROTS IN THE JACKS! KALE COUSIN IN THE KELLOGG! Folks, against all rhyming reasons and better judgments, I proudly present the most inane and obscene “hey, we’re still here” promotion since Pepsi made their syrup invisible. Without further ado, with a heavy heart, with jacks and apples, here it is: Kellogg’s Apple Jacks cereal…with blue carrots!
Okay, so it’s weird. So what? I would’ve went insane for something like this as a kid, which takes us back to my theory about kids being attracted to pretty much anything they can’t understand. It seems odd that Kellogg’s would work something like this into Apple Jacks, though, as despite its sugary content and attention to being candylicious, that’s still one of their more “natural” kiddy cereals. I’m not sure if the blue carrots came into play to spark flailing sales or just because someone high up in the company has a fetish, but…uhh…they’re here. If you’ve seen the commercial for this sickening display, there’s no way you’ll ever forget it. A bunch of kids in blue carrot costumes going absolutely batshit over the new cereal. It’s the kind of thing that skips past your CD-RW memories and burns itself so far in that it’s only classifiable as CD-R. If you don’t understand what I mean, that makes two of us.
Still, there’s an issue at play, having to do with flavor, and having to do with blue carrots. Despite the old advertisements touting Apple Jacks’ penchant for actually not tasting like apples, people still regard ‘em as such. A quick look at the ingredients confirms our beliefs: there’s real, honest-to-goodness apple bits in there. So when you’re adding carrot-shaped entities to a cereal previously established as having real fruit flavors, there’s going to be a fairly large chunk of consumers staying the fuck away in fear that those blue carrots make the Apple Jacks taste like — you guessed it — carrots. THANK GOD FOR LABELS THAT EXPLAIN ALL.
“Same great Jacks’ taste! No apple taste! No carrot taste!” I’d argue that they do taste a bit like apples, but it’s nice to know that I can find my traces of beta carotene flava elsewhere. They say it’s available for a limited time only, which makes sense considering that it’s probably the stupidest idea ever conceived by large corporation. I kid; I love blue carrots. Not sure if the rest of the world will, though. Guess we’ll find out when Kellogg’s goes through with something even stranger than adding blue carrots to Apple Jacks: polling people to see if they like the blue carrots they added to Apple Jacks. Again — it’s a mad, mad world.
And that’s what they look like. Blue carrots. Actually, they look more like microwaved buffalo wings someone dropped behind the couch and forgot about for months. I’d say that they don’t taste the same, but really, I’ve never tasted moldy buffalo wings, and presumption is 9/10ths of what’s wrong with the Internet. If nothing else, they add some much needed color. You know, blue. BLUE. BLUE CARROTS.
Posted by Matt. E-mail me!
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what next orange onions, purple corn, pink peas, green apples????