The X-Entertainment Blog

07/31/2003: New Article: Supergirl! (plus reader mail!)

New Article: In 1984, with Christopher Reeve swearing off the Superman franchise, the powers-that-be decided to take a stab at bottling lightning with Supergirl. Starring Helen Slater, Faye Dunaway and the Phantom Zone, it was a critical and commercial failure…but I liked it. The review is around 72,000 words, so grab your sodas before clicking. Sodas or…blood.

Not sure what’s coming up next, but rest assured, something’s coming up next. Click ‘more’ to read a couple of e-mails regarding recent articles…

First, Zandor Vorkof (always planned to name my son that, go fig) chimes in with more information on the infamous Ugly Ball…

“I remember the Ugly Ball. In fact, I possessed one during my youth. If they are as rare as your article suggests, I may be the ONLY person to have ever owned one. It may still exist, hidden amongst the carefully preserved relics of my childhood (in some random plastic storage bin in the utility room).

I’m not quite certain if I hounded Mom into buying ten Bonkers packs at once or if I actually had the discipline to save them all over time. I’d actually bet on the latter, because it would have been the perfect chance for Mom to teach me some Responsibility.

What I do remember is that I ran screaming from the room the first time I saw the Ugly Ball commercial; it’s frozen in my mind like a grainy home video. When the UglyMother appeared on the TV I jerked upright on the couch into a flight posture with an expression of shocked horror. When the Ugly Kid leaped from behind the couch I bolted so fast it must have nearly torn a hole in the space/time continuum. Their hollow, soulless eyes were bad enough but when their mouths moved — brr, still gives me a chill. The Exorcist didn’t make me bat an eye as a wee tot, but starving actors in cheap masks terrified me every time.

Anyway, just thought I’d let you know that someone did, in fact, own an Ugly Ball. On a side note, I also had the Bonkers Watch. I ate a LOT of Bonkers back then.”

REPLY: A few others have written in about the Ugly Ball — you’re not the only one who had one, Z-Man, but you’re certainly one of the few. And yes, the commercial was scary as all Hell. Especially to those of us who had older brothers with very similar masks.

Here’s one from Greg, who also visited the Poconos’ Snake & Animal Farm…

“After your review of the Poconos Snake and Animal Farm, I thought I just had to write a quick note about my trip there as well.

Well, from your pictures, I can see that the place hasn’t changed in years. I was there myself in August of 2000, and it looked just as it did now. Those M&Ms wrappers that they had inside the clam shell where there as well. I think there was even a tiger in there from what I can remember, but hell, I saw lots of tigers that year.

They did have a sign outside just before you went in asking people not to bring cameras in. But we managed to sneak a peek and get a picture of those gators outside. I also felt pretty bad for most of those hopeless creatures, but I couldn’t really take any of them home with me, and those monkeys scared the crap out of me. I suggested that they were rabid and would attack anybody who got close, and guess what… They did. They went bouncing of all the objects and going all ape crazy. I started sweating more then ever after that encounter. From how hot and humid it happened to be that day, those monkeys didn’t help at all.

After reading a few newspaper articles that they had, about either gators or giant snakes, we went through the gift shop. Though there was no scorpions the time we went through, they could have been hidden away with the cage open or something, waiting for someone to stick their hand in, and then free food for the monkeys. But all in all, that trip was okay, and made for an interesting tale for friends to hear when I came back.”

REPLY: Yeah, it’s not a bad place, just wish they had some more money to throw around. To their credit, my city’s officially funded zoo is often in much worse shape.

“Z8″ posed an extremely important question about characters made of rock:

“I was just thinking about rock creatures and I had a question, but it isn’t the sort of question that you just ask anyone. There are a lot of cool characters made of rocks, but which one is the best? I asked my girlfriend, but she didn’t know, so I thought I would ask you.

Stonedar & Rokkon, Collosor or one of the mountains that Skeletor converted in Masters of the Universe? General Traag from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Granok the Granite from the Inhumanoids? The slimy spit of Ivan Ooze from Power Rangers? Do Rock Narlies even count? Do lava creatures count as rock creatures?”

REPLY: Granok, definitely. (and the Granites, while we’re at it) They didn’t offer much on the toons, but good God — look at the action figure…

Sometimes I shower with him.

Posted by Matt. E-mail me!

YAY! I remember this movie used to air on the "Superstations" in my area. I too became a big fan of this movie, so yay! Keep it up, Matt.

How could you do an article on Supergirl, and NOT include a vid cap of the mink coat scene??? A plague on your first born!

I never saw the movie but someone gave me Supergirl pjs that looked like her dress. On the label it said "child cannot not actually fly". What a silly disclaimer!

LMAO, you shower with him. Matt you never cease to amuse me. Keep up the great work.

Just went to the store and found…..Monopoly cereal. Guess Matt can buy a few boxes of it so he can put it away and give a review of it in 12 years.

And when exactly did the Monopoly character become the extremly lame sounding "Mr Monopoly"? He’s Rich Uncle Pennybags darn it!

The supergirl article down in the summary area dealy is linked to the snake and animal farm article, just thought you’d like to know early on to avoid any embarassing incidents. Oh yea, keep up the good work, love the site, you rock and other encouraging phrases.

I was wondering the same thing about Rich Uncle Pennybags. :/
Mr. Monopoly? PAH.

Oh yeah, the cereal isn’t that bad, but it still can’t hold a candle to TMNT cereal.

Let me holla at cha playa. You know Matt, I don’t want to put down your readers or anything, but I’m calling out Greg right now so I can have Rodney Mack make him famous in less than 3 minutes. Beelee dat playa. You see Greg, we know what you meant by the scary monkeys. Yeah, go head and wrap dat whole zoo excuse around it, but upstate, we know you don’t be seein no brothas thuggin and buggin up in that piece. Beelee dat playa. So as soon as you see the Black Man, Whitey start sweatin and getting nervous like we gonna attack. Beelee dat playa. But I got news for you. Even when Whitey was beating us down, it was all about non violence. I bet you thought that those "monkeys" should have been caged. Beelee dat playa. Then you woulda left with all ya wits in tact. But then you go home and you start sweatin again, don’t cha, you nervous cracka? Start assassinatin the Black Man’s character talkin bout da scary monkeys. But beelee dis playa, you better change your ways, or you’re gonna be da victim of a Mack attack.
And Matt, you almost a superstar. Beelee dat playa, but if you don’t do a Top 11 Classic Wrestlers list and make the top 5 Black superstars, where day deserve to be, you gonna see a lawsuit of epic proportions and I’ma have Al Sharpton all up in this. Beelee dat playa.

Great piece on a forgoten movie, I’ve always felt that it was the red headed stepchild of the Superman family even though Superman IV the Quest for Peace was exponentialy worse. The two main reasons being the crappy villains (this is the Superman movie Hackman should have ducked instead of II and III, the atomic bad guy had the range of a dented radiator and the nephew had the acting ability of a coked up lemming not to mention being the worst punk rock caricature ever, with the exception of Avril Lavigne) and the substitution of Hemingway as the romance interest was utter crap. Supergirl does have the honor of being one of the most off base comic adaptations ever with possibly the exception of Howard the Duck which was a pretty intelligent and violent comic back in it’s day.
Mr.Theodore R. Long continues to be hysterical and a great observer, however I have to ask, how do you know that Greg isn’t African American? Do you have some type of gaydar but for black people? And if so do all black peple have it or just you (I’m assuming that you’re African American)? Also, RD Reynolds wants to know why was Rodney Mack and Goldberg the same shade when they fought yet you still called him cracka? Finally, are you going to comment on Matt’s Alien list and it’s lack of soul brother aliens. I guess what I’m trying to say is Don’t Trust Whitey!!

I got the special edition 2 disc Supergirl dvd last year for $4.99 at KMart. Good stuff.

Didn’t read the Supergirl article yet, but it’s a slow day at the mines here…

I did want to comment on cool rock creatures. My choice would be Igoo the rock ape from the Herculoids. First of he’s incredibly powerful and pretty much indestructible. Second, he’s a monkey! Nuff said…

I remember seeing Supergirl in its original theatrical release when I was eight,and I loved it. I had a hardcover storybook of the movie,I believe. I don’t remember seeing Helen Slater in her panties,but the comics adaptation did,IIRC.

I saw Monopoly cereal while in Florida last month. The good people at Kellogg’s lobbed this one up to you Matt, you just have to knock it out of the park. Cereal + Monopoly = Great Article. I literally screeched in my tracks, causing a huge pile-up, and screamed "Matt!!" So now that old ladies’ bruised shins are on your head Matt!!

Teddy, you are the true player, believe that! There are some good wrestles out there for the list. SD Jones, Koko B. Ware, JYD. But the two best have to be: Butch Reed, you have to love the bleach blonde hair! And by far the #1: Does anybody remember Rocky Johnson (I think his name was Johnson, not the Rock’s dad)? He was this really skinny jobber with Gerrycurls who got creamed every Saturday night on TBS. In 10 years I don’t think I ever saw him get a punch in. He’s my vote.

I think that you’re right Matt: I hate to say it, but as much as I liked the Superman movies, I think that the Supergirl flick did appeal to me more. But fuck Jimmy Olsen; he’s a whiny, santimonious little pussy. Dorothy Zbornak’s sis-in-law should have crushed him like an ant. Think happy thoughts…think happy thoughts…

Academia is making sure I don’t get my full dose of X-E (stupit book larnin’ — wish I got ta go ta skool in my jammies and have ‘em let me inta skool with no creds) but it’s good to know that great articles like this are waiting here for my downtime. Like a forbidden mistress.

Hey Y2JB78 Koko B. Ware used to live next door to me when I lived with my parents in a Memphis suburb.

Helen Slater was a favorite of mine when I was younger, mostly for The Legend of Billy Jean. How long has it been since there’s been a decent rebel movie that wasn’t all postmoderny and ironic? They don’t really make them anymore, because the us vs. them, youth empowerment thing has sort of faded out…

Oh yeah, follow-up post: Bianca/Dorothy Zbornak’s sis-in-law, Angela (Brenda Vaccaro) in all her glory. http://www.mum.org/barbvacc.htm

Mmm….Supergirl. Definitely among the top of the list of comic book characters I’d like to do, or CCCILFs for short. Just something really sexy about a chick who can crush you to a fine powder.

All must kneel at the feet of screenwriter David O’Dell. He wrote two stoopid classics in "Supergirl" and "Masters of the Universe." Thanks to Jim Henson’s story and hard work, "Dark Crystal" was enjoyable; seems O’Dell also wrote for "The Muppet Show." He also wrote two movies for "Karate Kid" director, John Avildsen, before he went mainstream.

Matt, if you want a bad movie see the only feature O’Dell directed, called "Martians Go Home," with Randy Quaid.

Um, Theodore R. Long… Are you talking to me. Because my name on my site’s Greg and all…

Great! Thanks for answering my question. I can now be confident that I know the ultimate rock creature.

Y2JB78, I know the guy you’re talking about, but I think his name was Rocky King. Poor guy. I think he even came back briefly as a referee in the final days of WCW.

Fun review Matt…hey just a suggestion but have you ever thought of doing a review of Phantom of the Paradise?? I also think like someone mentioned recently another good review to do would be Teen Witch (of course you KNOW I loved the Worst Witch one ;)) but Teen Witch was a thousand times worse with those cheesy songs like "I Want to be the Most Popular Girl" and "We Like Boys". I remember my friends in college raved about this movie like it was a cinema masterpiece. Anyway, have a great weekend!!

Mojo!!! Let me holla at cha playa. For the purposes of helping Whitey understand "us", I will be quoting and answering you.

Q: "how do you know that Greg isn’t African American? Do you have some type of gaydar but for black people? And if so do all black peple have it or just you (I’m assuming that you’re African American)?"

A: Plain and simple Brotha. The Black Man would neva run away from the Black Man. The Black Man would embrace his Brotha and not want to see him caged up. Beelee dat playa. You see Mojo, the first thing these crackas do when they see us is get nervous. I mean dat just aint right. Beelee dat playa. Mista Greg was tryin ta be subliminal and I can see right through those devil eyes. As far as Theodore R. Long being Black. What kinda cotton pickin question is that. You don’t watch Monday Night Raw much do ya playa? I can’t blame you tho. It’s not like they give the Black Man enough TV time to shine that you would see me. Beelee dat playa.

Q:"Also, RD Reynolds wants to know why was Rodney Mack and Goldberg the same shade when they fought yet you still called him cracka?"

A:Let me say I am big fan of what Mista Reynolds does. He is one of da true White peoples doin his thang. And I respect him for exposing the Man. Belee dat playa. But let me tell ya bout Rodney Mack. Bill Goldberg is Jewish. I don’t know if his mama was mixing it up in Oklahomla with a Brotha but Rodney Mack is 1/8 Black, and you know, just one drop of our culture and all of a sudden you just a nigga. Beelee dat playa. I am tired of his character bein assassinated. Beelee dat playa.

Q: "Finally, are you going to comment on Matt’s Alien list and it’s lack of soul brother aliens. I guess what I’m trying to say is Don’t Trust Whitey!!"

A: You know playa. my knowledge in the field of Aliens is not up to par brotha. And while dat neva stopped Theodore R. Long before, I’m gonna have to take the L on that one. Although I’m pretty sure Matt at least tried to splash some "color" in the list. Beelee dat playa.

And as for ya Gramma, take it from Theodore R. Long. Dat aint nuthin but da King’s English, and all da King ever did was take us from Africa and teach us his Cracka language. Beelee dat playa.

Goggles, you’re right! Thanks for the correction. He truly was a King among men. But he was no Iron Mike Sharpe.

Teddy, you so crazy!! Mad props for keepin’ it real. Keep in on the down low bro! (Not D-Lo, he sucks. Balee DAT playa)

Greg is the person who wrote the email that Theo was responding to. Do you remember writing that email? If not, my guess is he doesn’t mean you.
T.L., I like your style. Do you take commisions? I think I could use the urban viewpoint for a few pieces. Belee dat. There would be no monetary compensation, though I do have about 45 nude photos of Drew Barrymore that I could pay you with.

Ok, nice Superman pills at the top of the Supergirl article! Can’t say I’ve tried those, I’m a big Mitsubishi fan.

Goldarnit, why don’t *I* have an urban viewpoint? Why should Teddy be offered Drew Barrymore nudie pics while we poor, opressed Appalachians git nuthin’? Damn the man!

you’re all probably to young to remember them, but the Von Erics were my fave rasslas. and i cant believe nobody mnentioned the thing from fantastic four.

Search for Helen Slater on Google Images with "Safe Search Off". You’ll get some interesting matches.

Last night my b.f. and I were talking about smuggling and drug laws and etcetera and he said "You know, anybody who’s taken ecstacy a bunch of times has taken at least one pill that came out of someone’s ass."
Now, why don’t they make PSA’s that say that? That would save the world from a lot of heartache and E. Coli.

The Von Erichs (I prefer that spelling since it’s closer to their original family name) are legends back where I come from being a Texan and all. One of the greatest wrestling familys ever with the inclusion ofthe Harts (Bret, Owen, Stu) and Maivias (the Rock, the original Rocky Johnson, Snuka, and just about everyone else that came from Samoa or some other Polynesian island). People might now Kerry as the Texas Tornado and their family tragedy. I also believe that in that top list of African American wrestlers would include Tony Atlas, Norman Smiley, Ron Simmons aka Farooq, and of course my fellow Houstonian brother of another mother Booker T. Thre are others that come close (New Jack, Mustafa, Kama aka Godfather, Ahmed Johnson) but we got to keep it tight.

Matt is the only Golden Girls fanboy I believe I’ve ever encountered. Seriously, that’s pretty disturbing.

Matt, did I offend you with my previous post? If I did, I am truly sorry. I am bitter about everything, so forgive my anger. I still say this wasn’t the best article you have done, but you are allowed a few of sub-superb quality, seeing as how you create so many better-than-everyone-else’s articles. I just need to vent my tiny-minded anger. Forgive me. I will now slam my fingers in my car’s boot to make up for offending such a talanted person. I can’t be mad at anyone who includes a picture of an Inhumanoid ripping Serpentor in half. Jolly good show.

I’m not trying to offend. I’m not a bad guy, just British. You know how we can’t stand anyone having a good time and not find something wrong with it. You know, like Simon from American Idol. They were all good, but Simon had to bust balls. Well, Matt, I’m your Simon. Bollocks to fun, what, what? Pip, pip, cheerio, and all that rubbish. Until I am needed to ruin someones day, I remain ever vigilant, Mr, Critic.

Matt, what Mr. Critic is saying is that he truly enjoys your work, but he feels the need to find fault with everything. He’s a pesimist. And I think he mentioned something about how since all your work is so wonderful, if you don’t top yourself, he feels violated. Just deal with him, and let him vent. That’s my advice as an American DJ. Or I could be completely wrong. Whatever.

Read your article–funny enough, Helman’s is called Best Foods on the west coast. So, I suppose it was all those jaded mid-westerners that truly killed poor Helen’s career.

The Von Ehrichs. Such a tragic wrestling family, with all the suicides and disease.

Back to Supergirl, this movie is what made me "interested" in Kara, or whatever she is now in the comics. I don’t think she changed her haircolor, though. I thought Kara just threw on a wig for "Linda". I don’t understand why DC fanboys drool so much over Wonder Woman when they have Supergirl.

Two points: the comic adaptation actually spells "Omega Hedron" as one word, "Omegahedron", possibly connected to it’s shape. And you left three interesting characters: the female "Bulk & Skull" wannabees at the college, and Nigel, one of Kara’s teachers and Selena’s mentor in black magic until she turns on him. Watching him make fun of Selena’s run for power, turned into an old man, and still lambasting her is great fun.

Excuse me, I hate to break up the party, but the best rock creature is clearly the Brick Man from the M.U.S.C.L.E. line of action figures. You remember, the guy who looked like he was made of bricks and had laundry rollers in his chest? And sometimes he would be a spinning top, an upside-down pyramid, or even a stone archway?

According to the "Ultimate Muscle" tv show, his name is "Sunshine". Because no other name would be appropriate for a giant, transforming, laundry-pressing wrestler made out of bricks.

I’m sorry, Waffle but the greatest rock man of all time is Rock Biter from The Neverending Story.

Damnit! How can you review a movie and mention the star in panties and then NOT SHOW A PICTURE OF SAID STAR IN PANTIES?

Just finished skimming through the Supergirl DVD and I have one comment, how much money did the producers pocketed from all those PRODUCT PLACEMENT deals. I know there is a somewhat of a tradition of this in the Superman movies (Cheerios box, a Marlboro truck, large electric Coke sign), but come on. The movie must of had every product ever conceived in it. Supergirl smashing into an A&W pop machine, hanging out at Popeye’s, I even noticed a Stayfree billboard. I know this kind of marketing happens in most, if not all, movies, but some movies subliminally add product better than others.

Jimmy Olsen: "He’s probably on drugs and he’s going to get creamed, if he is not too careful….Just like BILLY BOB’S CREAMED CORN" (holding can of corn up to camera), "You’re gonna need a steel stomach to digest this stuff."

Lucy Lane: pouring A&W Rootbeer over Jimmy’s head "Don’t be such a Dinkleberry!"

So, my question to you all is, "What movie have you seen that blatantly pushes products in its viewer’s face?"

I agree, Matt…where’s the pic of Helen Slater in her panties? I despise those people who badger you for the same thing over and over again, but…damn, that’s something we need to see…

Matt, this is one of my favorite reviews of yours. "Supergirl" is one of my favorite cult/cheesy films. In some weird ways, it reminds me of another comic book-style film featuring a strong female character you reviewed - "Elvira, Mistress of the Dark" (BTW, another cult flick I like). Both involve strong but outcasted females who use magic, tight outfits, and brute strength to fight a really over-the-top villan while romancing a guy who barely registers in the flick as anything but a "love object." Both have their flaws, but are generally funny, exciting, and likeable.

I used to see "Supergirl" every now and then on cable (most recently last year on WPIX), and I always enjoy it. Yeah, it practically defines cheese, Faye Dunaway chews every bit of furniture in sight, and there are plot holes you could drive a Buick through. The action sequences still hold up, the script could be worse, and Helen Slater makes a convincing (and, as many of you have noted, droolable) Supergal.

At any rate, it’s better than the so-so "Superman III" and a world away from the awful, preachy "Superman IV - The Quest for Peace."

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