07/30/2003: New Article: The Snake & Animal Farm!
New Article: More coverage from my Poconos trip last weekend — read about our trip to Route 209’s Snake & Animal Farm, the filthiest place to see monkeys and big clam shells in the whole entire world. Yessir. But, you know, they sold rock pencils, and that pretty much makes up for all the dirt and disease.
I’m back on track for the rest of the week, next article’ll be up tomorrow. Thanks for your patience, and thanks for the Medicare. Yes, I’m fully aware than the most recent gamut of articles have been a little off X-E’s usual theme. Hermit crabs, animal farms, oatmeal, blah blah. I’ll try to bring our usual suspects back into the fold for the next post…
Discussion Thread: 49 comments
Variety is the spice of life, so I haven’t had any complaints with the recent articles. Also, rock pencils are a tough act to follow.
As for the articles being on unusual topics as of late…I like it. Where else can I read about hermit crabs and dinosaur oatmeal on the same website? As the Baron said, variety is good.
Posted by
Paul @ 07/30/2003 3:21 PM EDT
What the hell do you use rock pencils for? Can you write with them as with a normal pencil? This is the first time I’ve ever heard of them.
Oh, yeah: "The last exhibit was a series of unused and/or broken cages, all of which are capable of aiding you in experiencing the scent of most any animal’s urine."
Definately the best line of the article.
Posted by
YetiMcSasquatch @ 07/30/2003 3:25 PM EDT
Rock pencils are regular pencils, with the eraser end of the shaft being a clear tube containing a bunch of tiny, polished stones. We love them here in Hell.
Posted by
Matt @ 07/30/2003 3:27 PM EDT
Ahhhh, I see. Well, I learn something new just about every time I visit this site.
Posted by
YetiMcSasquatch @ 07/30/2003 3:31 PM EDT
Hay matt ive been coming to X-E for about a month now. Ive also read a few of your older aticals. I dont know if you did one on COGS but i rember them as a kid and they were great. they were those little discs that you like fliped at eachotor.
Posted by
Jared @ 07/30/2003 3:48 PM EDT
Write about whatever you want Matt. I used to enjoy the animalia articles. The hermit crab piece was good. I had one when I was a kid, and you made me want one again. Especially if it was a giant one. That’s usually when common sense slaps me in the face. But anyways, it’s your site and I’ll read whatever you post.
Posted by
mutton72 @ 07/30/2003 3:51 PM EDT
Pffffft. Knock off that talk. Sometimes there’s only so much nostalgia you can take at once, and that’s when it’s time to bust out the hermit crabs and oatmeal.
Rock pencils effing RULE!
Coming from the world’s biggest Animal Planet dork (mmm, Agent Lucas!!), I say on with the reptile/small mammal/crustacean fun! Matt, have you ever considered having the Pet Psychic in to do a reading for your chinchilla? I bet she’s got a lot of repressed anger (the chinchilla, not the Pet Psychic).
Posted by
Queen of Ill Repute @ 07/30/2003 3:57 PM EDT
Really, veriety is good for this website. It also shows how zany you really are, Matt.
They sell alligator heads along the road to panama city florida. They have cute lil’ signs with smiling gator heads that read "buy us". It’s fun 
Posted by
Kennef @ 07/30/2003 4:37 PM EDT
The monkey and scorpion haikus made that article.
Now review "Mac and Me"
cruiz@scotsmanality.com
AIM:cruizifiction
Posted by
A-wel Cruiz @ 07/30/2003 4:47 PM EDT
ROCK PENCILS!!!!!
hot stuff. whenever we went on a class trip to the Coney Island aquarium (which was approximately 47 times a year)everyone HAD to stock up on rock pencils - god forbid you were absent that day and were too shortsighted to ask a friend to pick you up a rock pencil- you would automatically be lame, until the fat kid pissed on himself, thus grabbing (or piddling) the spotlight away from you.
Posted by
julia badtouch @ 07/30/2003 4:52 PM EDT
Peanut M&M’s Rule!
Did that shell say 500lbs under it? Somehow it doesn’t seem like it weighs that much. But I’m still debating whether its real or not anyways. Maybe it’s just concrete or plaster?
Well either way I won’t be going there anytime soon, I mean ever…
Posted by
heeloyd @ 07/30/2003 4:56 PM EDT
That reminds me of something we have around here, only we got it much better… It is a nice nature park, filled with snakes that would kill you if they could and a few hamsters and baby alligators. There is even this nice beehive. No monkeys, but I hate monkeys anyway so I don’t care. They don’t have any live wolves or big cats or bears, but they have a stuffed diorama showing off all the cool creatures Louisisana used to have before the Spanish and French came in and killed them all off. While they keep the cages much cleaner, I think it is all offset by the fact that they don’t have rock pencels… or ANYTHING for that matter.
Posted by
Paul Ortego @ 07/30/2003 5:02 PM EDT
I laughed very hard at that article, but it was mostly nervous sad laughter, helped along by the animal hakus.
That was the saddest thing I’ve read since, uhm… Fark had that article on the dog that visited the spot where his master died. Which was recently, but a sad article, none-the-less.
Posted by
Melanie @ 07/30/2003 5:06 PM EDT
Now is the perfect time, the season is just right, you can play all day and dance into the night…
at the beatiful mount airy lodge all you have to bring is your love of everything!!!
too bad you dont love everything matt, or you would have enjoyed the poconos more.
Posted by
julia badtouch @ 07/30/2003 5:07 PM EDT
Googling the brand name "Fruitblend " seems to have revealed another dirty secret of the farm….they’re feeding bird chow to the monkeys. Good thing as Matt said the thing is rusted closed.
http://www.ferretstore.com/3lbzupavfrui.html#
Posted by
Garrison @ 07/30/2003 5:13 PM EDT
Erm, is it just me, or did the picture of the turtle near the start of the article look kinda mutated? i could swear that that flipper it has looks like a bald head of a chicken :-.
Ive never heard of rock pencils either. we need pictures matt, clear pictures, so we (me and whoever else hasnt heard of them) can bask in their loveliness!
Posted by
Vyle @ 07/30/2003 6:09 PM EDT
POGS…ugh, 5th grade flashbacks. I even had a lucky slammer and a few illegal pogs.
Posted by
Lucky Cat @ 07/30/2003 6:37 PM EDT
Finally, someone else who’s been deprived of these apparently god-like rock pencils.
Posted by
YetiMcSasquatch @ 07/30/2003 6:50 PM EDT
I’m here waiting for you to answer on aim and I know you are probaly really busy…so I’ll just keep waiting. Some of those animals you talked about reminded me of the ones I saw at the fair yesterday.
lambs are better than goats
Posted by
pikachulover @ 07/30/2003 6:54 PM EDT
Matt, I love your haikus. They are by far the best ever. You have caused my love of haikus to return. I now speak quite often in haiku. I asked before, and I will ask until I get an answer, next time I’m in NY, wanna go drinkin’? I’ll buy the first round!
Posted by
Bansheex @ 07/30/2003 7:43 PM EDT
Hey Matt,did they have any keychains? I collect keychains,and I was just wondering if they did.
Posted by
Overlord @ 07/30/2003 7:49 PM EDT
A haiku:
I sit and read it
Laughter flows forth from my mouth
Matt does it again!
Another Haiku:
Camera for his head
Bastard offspring of Bitner
Where is my Photog?
One more Haiku:
Friend to us all
His words fill us with great joy
Spread the word of Matt
Thank You
Posted by
Bansheex @ 07/30/2003 8:02 PM EDT
POGS?! i could have swarn they were called cogs. i even had the machine that you could make em with.(humm i wonder if thats still in my closet)
Posted by
Jared @ 07/30/2003 9:44 PM EDT
That’s pretty sad, those poor guys have no money and all those animals are all living the crappy life.
OMG ROCK PENCILS LOL.
Posted by
DuudMeister @ 07/30/2003 10:08 PM EDT
OH MY GOD!!!! Rock pencils RAWK!! I discovered these little joys of heaven in fourth grade after a trip to the planetarium where I bought one. Very shortly afterwords, approximately one day, I knew one rock pencil would not do. I conned my mom into taking me to the park so I could go back to the planetarium gift shop to purchase several more. The goal? I was CERTAIN someone would have accidentally put a diamond or some gold in with the rocks, making me a rich tyke.
This was about a year or two before Sugar Crisps started offering world coins as a prize in the box. And one in a million contained an actual gold coin. I never ate so much freaking cereal in my life.
To think, I’m 24 now and am still looking for gold that comes at a price of $1.50-$3.00.
Add me to the list of people who don’t have a freaking clue what rock pencils are.
In all seriousness, this was a bizarrely moving article Matt. Funny, yet depressing as all hell, and a bit nauseating as well. Excellent work, as always.
You should come to Florida some time. There’s a miniature golf place here in Tampa that has a little moat that rings the place, with bridges going over it in places, and in the moat…little baby alligators. Seriously, I can’t imagine how that’s legal, but damned if it ain’t there. Next time I go I’ll take some pictures.
Posted by
Hellpop! @ 07/30/2003 11:14 PM EDT
"thanks for the medicare"…. Golden Girls own you all!! lol
They have rock pencils at Universal Studios…but they’re prolly fake movie rocks. :-p
How on earth can you go through an entire lifetime without once having gotten a rock pencil?
Here’s the one crappy picture I could find.
If you’ve never owned a rock pencil, I have to recommend that you run, not walk, to your nearest museum, planetarium or school book fair. (though I suppose it would be faster to just drive)
Posted by
squee4242 @ 07/30/2003 11:46 PM EDT
I can’t tell what’s rocky about those pencils, are they normal pencils with a rocky exterior or what. Above it seems like they’re pebbles in the top of the pencil but squee4242’s picture just confused me some more. Very good article and somewhat sad, it makes me wonder if animals experiance sadness. Is that snapping turtle depressed that he doesn’t live outside? Does that cobra know how close he came to being some snob’s belt? Is that picture of a microphone stand a recent Carrot Top act? Talk about Hell on Earth.
Posted by
Happnin' Mojo @ 07/31/2003 3:08 AM EDT
matt, how you happened to accumulate such an impressive writing prowess is beyond me. The zoo article is great. Sad yet beautiful.
Posted by
Thought Fu @ 07/31/2003 4:11 AM EDT
Mojo, Matt had a great description towards the top of the blog, but to describe more in depth: First off, they are the length of normal pencils. The actual graphite-bearing/writing portion was really no longer than a golf pencil. Glued to the end of the functional portion of the pencil was a clear, plastic tube with the same circumference of the pencil and capped with an eraser. Inside the tube was the treasure — a few dozen miniscule polished stones of varying shapes and colors. They are real minerals and rocks, so they would definitely be purchased in "educational" venues.
After finishing tests in elementary, we would have to sit quietly at our desks until everyone else was done. At this time, you would take the eraser off the tube and dump the pile of rocks onto your desk and just sorta sort through the rocks. Later, you could trade certain rocks with your friends. Perhaps choose the most dazzling varieties from multiple pencils to create one Uber-rock pencil.
Jared…
"Swarn"?? Did we go to highschool together? Although to get the inflection right you’d have to type "Eyecuddaswarn."
Posted by
Queen of Ill Repute @ 07/31/2003 9:18 AM EDT
I thought this article was one of your funniest in weeks. i like the field trips and the yokel’s dialog. they should meet skeletor.
Posted by
t-rah @ 07/31/2003 11:35 AM EDT
They sell those gator heads everywhere in Louisiana, too. After one trip, my brother brought one home as a souvenir. After a few weeks, it became very evident that the proprietor of the roadside stand’s idea of preservation included cauterization and copious amounts of aerosal hairspray. And then…the dog got it…ugh, I can’t go on, you can use your imaginations…
Posted by
squee4242 @ 07/31/2003 12:22 PM EDT
That story made me sad. The alligators are fine though, they lay on top of each other like that all the time. Plus by the looks of that group in your photo, they are just about the right age to become a nice purse or pair of shoes. It’s always best to stock a lot of alligators on display because it greatly increases the chance that an alligator will actually do something and you might get to see it.
Never had a rock pencil, will purchase one next trip.
Posted by
klatubaradanikto @ 07/31/2003 12:30 PM EDT
I nominate this article for the "Most Likely to End Up as Evidence in a Trial."
Even those crazy cat people mean well.
Posted by
Ubu Rex @ 07/31/2003 12:43 PM EDT
I had a rock pencil in elementary school, but it was all messed up. Instead of a clear tube filled with rocks, this had rocks glued all over the outside making it impossible to write with the thing without getting horrible rock cuts all over your hands. My school book fairs never sold the cool rock pencils.
Posted by
Stacey @ 07/31/2003 1:27 PM EDT
That article was so funny! "I’d rather stroke the aligators or take a ride with that hick couple"..
PRICELESS!
Good job!
Posted by
Moparman @ 07/31/2003 1:28 PM EDT
Lucas? Hmm… well, supposed I can’t influence anyone’s taste. I’m a huge Animal Planet geek as well, and this article made me pretty sad too. It was still funny as usual, but sad. Where’s the Animal Cops in the cities that need ‘em? You seem to have a talent for finding all the worst/best places to review.
Myself… I’ve never had a rock pencil. However, I did you used have a pencil whose top was filled with bubble solution. You pulled off the eraser top to pull out the bubble wand and blow, and it was the cool kind of bubble stuff that makes the bubbles that stick to stuff and don’t pop.
Posted by
Freezair @ 07/31/2003 3:02 PM EDT
Hey Matt I was curious to know if you caught the new reality show "The Family" on ABC last night? It’s about an extended Italian family from Staten/Long Island who have to fight amongst themselves to win a million dollars. All my Italian relatives aren’t even from NY (chi-town) and I was still rolling on the floor the entire time. All I could think was "This would be right up Matt’s alley."
Buy rock pencils for the low low price of $1.50 each at: http://www.4facets.com/novice.html
Not recommended for children under three.
Half way thru this story I wondered if you had second thoughts when you where writing it; you know about accually sharing… idonno.
I cried so hard I laughed. Good work.
Posted by
Baleeted @ 08/01/2003 2:16 AM EDT
Speaking of strange Poconoe adventures, I met Ja Rule up there the other weekend…
I used to love rock pencils myself, I’d unplug them and play with the rocks at school all of the time.
Good times, good times.
Posted by
Kat @ 08/02/2003 1:28 AM EDT
RE: pogs
I’ve always heard them referred to as "pogs", not "cogs". I had a whole freakin’ tube of the things in middle school; I loved them. Hell, I still have that tube o’ pogs, along with a couple of slammers, somewhere. I was into the ones with neat designs and actual milk company pogs. The school store had a bin of the things and that’s where I got most of mine. My personal fav, and one I intend to hang onto, is a black-and-shiny orange pog that has an orange printed on it and inside the orange is the text "32 Don’t squeeze the juice". This pog was created at the height of the OJ trial.
And there you have it, my dissertation on pogs.
Posted by
megx @ 08/03/2003 7:33 PM EDT
Its so funny because I LIVE in the poconos and i pass the PSAAF everyday and that place is in BAD shape…
Posted by
Karen @ 05/29/2004 11:50 PM EDT
Haha.
I am going to the Poconos this Memorial day weekend, so I google “all you have to bring” “love of every thing” hoping to find the video.
No luck, this was the first place to show up… Good to know the internet is not as big as it feels, sometimes.
How’s all with you?
-Mary
(amazonbitch.org, or something)
Posted by
Mary @ 05/21/2007 12:19 AM EDT
Add A New Comment!
This entry was posted
on Wednesday, July 30th, 2003 at 3:12 pm and is filed under General.
You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
Posted by Matt. 
![Here’s]("http://www.angelfire.com/jazz/space_cowboy/Images/comic/pencils.jpg"){kind=link}