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07/06/2003: Spongebob Vs. Hulk.



Survived the 4th — now I just gotta figure out what to do with the ten thousand leftover cocktail umbrellas. There were far fewer fireworks going off in my neighborhood than in past years, something I attribute mainly to New York’s slow descent into a more loosely organized Attica for taxpayers. In any event, it was pretty damned hot out and I think I found a way to even sweat out my teeth. Teeth sweat’s pretty cool actually – real easy to conceal and you don’t have to wash anything later. Here’s today’s article…

It’s Spongebob Squarepants versus the Incredible Hulk in the Amazing Popsicle Battle, where the winner is crowned only after one of the combatants melts to death. It’s an interesting study in which color of sugar ice is the most durable, but if you’re looking for something with a little more punch, I’ll mention that both contestants lose their gumball eyes along the way. Full coverage in the post, go read it.


Posted by Matt. E-mail me!

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Discussion Thread: 52 comments

This is the scariest article ever, Matt. Seriously, Spongebob and the Hulk melting like the Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark will haunt my dreams forever.

Ghosted by Hellpop! @ 07/06/2003 6:10 PM EDT

And thus you see what happens when you give an incredibly bored human a digital camera, a website, and an odd, yet amusing, sense of humor. :) I picked the right time to catch up on the articles.

Ghosted by ShadowWing the Technorganic Autobot @ 07/06/2003 6:12 PM EDT

Yeah! That was great. I don’t know why but I love watching stuff melt. Ahhh now my sunday is complete.

Ghosted by RyanMan @ 07/06/2003 7:04 PM EDT

I can’t believe its taken this long for Spongebob to make an X-E appearance.

Now, REVIEW "MAC AND ME"!!!!!

Ghosted by A-wel Cruiz @ 07/06/2003 7:08 PM EDT

Even though the hulk got crushed, I have to maintain that this fight was rigged from the begining. Reason being the darker colors of the Hulks pigment will draw in more sunlight and heat than the lighter, fluffier spongebob.

Ghosted by meme @ 07/06/2003 7:57 PM EDT

Matt, where do you come up with this shit?

Good job my friend, good job.

Good times had by all!

Ghosted by Cyn @ 07/06/2003 8:59 PM EDT

Loved the article, chez awesome. But I have to ask, what’s up with the ultra-fantasic-amazing picture of all those early 80’s untasty diet drinks?

Ghosted by CeDb @ 07/06/2003 9:13 PM EDT

"Diet Pepsi Free?"
What the hell? Isn’t Pepsi Free already Diet?

(Remember, I was born in 1989.)

"What exactly does that mean – ‘Totally Sharky Complete’?"

Ghosted by "MR. GAME & WATCH" @ 07/06/2003 9:30 PM EDT

Also, what’s with the huge font formerly reserved for the Hulk Pinata (& Bull)?

Ghosted by "MR. GAME & WATCH" @ 07/06/2003 9:36 PM EDT

Cripes that was a funny article. I love these insane subjects.

Ghosted by JC @ 07/06/2003 9:37 PM EDT

Mr. Game,
Allow me to enlighten you. Pepsi Free is caffine free.
Much Love,
Calming Effect

Ghosted by Calmine Gffect @ 07/06/2003 9:37 PM EDT

I made that up.

Ghosted by CALMING eFFECT @ 07/06/2003 9:39 PM EDT

On the sodas:

Didn’t those all show up on Marty McFly’s headboard at the end of BTTF Part I? (Also when Doc calls him)

Ghosted by "MR. GAME & WATCH" @ 07/06/2003 9:40 PM EDT

Hey all – hope the holiday went well for everyone.

G&W: I like to break out the wacky fonts for the especially wacky articles, in case there’s still people who won’t otherwise know when not to take things seriously. :)

The Pepsi Free pic is from an old commercial, which I’ve got, and will be adding to the downloads section this week along with some other great (and really rare) ads.

Ghosted by Matt @ 07/06/2003 9:40 PM EDT

Thx.

"Listen, pal, if you want a Pepsi, you gotta pay for it."

Ghosted by "MR. GAME & WATCH" @ 07/06/2003 9:42 PM EDT

Wow. Reminds me of the time that Regan and Goneril had Gloucester’s eyes plucked out and then this King Lear guy came and…well, it was all very tragic and impavid. Just like Hulk vs. Spongebob Squarepants.

I’m glad I didn’t put money on this battle royale, because I was waving the Hulk penant.

Ghosted by Molten @ 07/06/2003 10:25 PM EDT

soda cans were soooooo much cooler in the 80s! sigh.

matt, don’t you ever smile in photographs?? i’m beginning to wonder if you even have teeth….

Ghosted by lain @ 07/07/2003 12:20 PM EDT

Well…Um….Yeah. Funny article, Matt. I’m glad you do these things, becuase otherwise I would end up doing them.

Ghosted by Mr. Mr. Mr. @ 07/07/2003 12:36 PM EDT

Shameless self hype! I now have my own blog, cause everyone else in the universe has one, and I’m more interesting than 0.012% of them anyway. Click my name to see it.

I think popsicles battles should be a regular feature of XE, Matt. Do they still make those Pac-Mansicles? I loved those things.

Ghosted by Hellpop! @ 07/07/2003 1:33 AM EDT

You are a horrible person. You destroyed those popsicles lives! Their life goal was to be eaten, but now they are melted everywhere or in the garbage. Spongebob and the Hulk aren’t competitive people, they just wanted to be enjoyed by someone. They just had no way of telling you. Exploiting the lives of popsicles for personal pleasure is a sin!………….or not… whatever.

Ghosted by ... @ 07/07/2003 2:09 AM EDT

Matt, let me just say, that has to be your best article in terms of writing skill I have seen. I think that’s going to be bigger than the Hungry Man Article.

Ghosted by Big Will @ 07/07/2003 5:49 AM EDT

Matt, you must go to this link. I think you will be interested in this. Disturbing as it is…..

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2003310256,00.html?view

Ghosted by Draven @ 07/07/2003 11:23 AM EDT

Well, cut and paste.

Ghosted by Draven @ 07/07/2003 11:24 AM EDT

Great stuff, as always, Matt. I especially liked how you stuck an "American Gladiators" reference into it.

Keep it up.

Ghosted by Scott @ 07/07/2003 12:41 PM EDT

by far the scariest I have seen on x-e. I am going to the freezer section of the convenience store by my office right now to get a popsicle. or maybe a chipwich! ooooh, chipwich.

Ghosted by t-rah @ 07/07/2003 12:57 PM EDT

funny!

Duh plants are green to absorb solar energy plus spongebob is yellow and reflects away the yellow light of our yellow sun. Totally fixed!

Stick ‘em in the fuggin microwave!

Ghosted by k.jk;b;b @ 07/07/2003 1:33 PM EDT

I know a many many many people were interested in seeing the losing photog entries a many many many moons ago…so heres mine, yea! Just click on my name to go to the page to see them. Thank you and goodnite. :)

Ghosted by Kennef @ 07/07/2003 1:52 PM EDT

great stuff matt, this article enlightened me, yet i dont feel this article answers the question "if you shave an ewok down to its bare skin, what would it look like?" or "is inbreedin a usual practice among jedis"

Ghosted by Alabama Man @ 07/07/2003 2:17 PM EDT

very entertaining article matt! best one i’ve read in months, you should try to do ones like this more often.

Ghosted by pupitre @ 07/07/2003 2:56 PM EDT

Damned disturbing.
What the hell happened to our nation’s ice cream men? I live in an area that routinely reaches 120 freaking degrees in the shade, and have yet to see a single ice cream purveyor this summer. I’m being deprived of Hulk flavored lemonade shaped confections!
As a public service, I spent my Independence Day taking photographs of fireworks for the poor souls who were cheated out of their God given right to watch explosives. Enjoy: http://www.angelfire.com/jazz/space_cowboy/july.html

Ghosted by squee4242 @ 07/07/2003 3:25 PM EDT

Hey, everybody. Got a few e-mails about the shirt. I still need more interest to get those Photog t-shirts going. I love Spongebob Squarepants with the Satanic bleeding eyes. It’s great. Anyone who wants the shirts drop me a line. bansheex@hotmail.com Especially you Matt. PLEASE DON’T LET THIS DIE!

Ghosted by Bansheex @ 07/07/2003 4:35 PM EDT

Fuck Mac and Me

Ghosted by Don Vito Corleone @ 07/07/2003 4:50 PM EDT

Now that’s not very nice. Time out for you. Fuck Nukie is what you should say. right?

Ghosted by Bansheex @ 07/07/2003 5:22 PM EDT

That article was ridiculously funny.

Of course my humor is twisted from working in an ice cream booth selling those all day. I was just overjoyed to see those things die so painfully.

Ghosted by George @ 07/07/2003 5:23 PM EDT

Mac and Me wasn’t even entertaining. Not even in the bad way.

Ghosted by Ubu Rex @ 07/07/2003 8:46 PM EDT

Mac and Me is very entertaining in its audacity of using McDonald’s and Coca-Cola promotions; while hiding behind the casting of an actual handicapped kid, from a Ronald McDonald House, in the lead role of a blatant E.T. rip-off. The dance scene in the McDonald’s proved that no one working on the movie seemed to care that it was way too close to an actual commercial for the fast food restaurant. The movie was made for X-E readers.

I am still waiting for Burger King to bring back the actual Burger King in a straight-to-video feature.

Ghosted by Michael @ 07/07/2003 9:10 PM EDT

Matt, don’t know if you’ve seen them yet, but I stopped by Sam’s Club tonight to buy a barrel of pens and a cubic ton of tuna fish, and saw the Hulk Talking Mask/Hulk Hands combo set! Almost bought one, then remembered I’m almost 30 f’in years old and came back to my senses.

Ghosted by Hellpop! @ 07/07/2003 9:37 PM EDT

Well, Spongebob might have beaten Hulk in this particular contest, but there’s still one area where Hulk clearly has the advantage: http://www.thesun.co.uk//article/0,,2-2003310256,00.html

Ghosted by Hellpop! @ 07/07/2003 11:27 PM EDT

Damn, just noticed Draven beat me to posting that link.

Ghosted by Hellpop! @ 07/07/2003 11:29 PM EDT

That was amaaaaazing.
(Made me think of us po’ winners of the photog….wait. Never you mind. I forgot. There is no second place.)

(so sad….no one will get to see my Photog cartoony fun.)

Ghosted by Child-Like Mentality @ 07/08/2003 7:43 AM EDT

Yeah. I was well aware of the reflection thing with Spongebob, so I was cheering him on from the start. But when Matt mentioned he had really bumpy sides, I was a little concerned. Nevertheless, he still won. And how.
The ice cream man in this area goes about 35 mph down the street. I’m not joking, either. If you want ice cream, you have to be standing street-side with your $2.50 in your hand, jumping up and down while shouting to get it. I haven’t been ambitious enough to try it yet, but after reading this article I might have to start digging for loose change.

Ghosted by William @ 07/08/2003 10:05 AM EDT

No, I meant fuck Mac and Me.

Ghosted by Michael Corleone @ 07/08/2003 12:13 PM EDT

You mean have sex with Mac and yourself, or what? I don’t get it. And we don’t need that potty mouth. Watch what the fuck you say. There are melting popsiciles in the article. By the by, I bought a Spongebob thingimijig today, and couldn’t stop thinking about X-E. Then I sucked his eyes out. Very satifying. I wonder how long it takes Photog to melt?

Ghosted by Bansheex @ 07/08/2003 8:16 PM EDT

Has anyone else seen the inflatable Hulk muscles, they would go great with the hulk hands. Too bad you have to be 8 or a midget to where them.

Ghosted by Patrick N @ 07/09/2003 2:17 AM EDT

After reading that today, I was at a 7-11 and got a Wolverine icy pop. He had 2 yellow gumballs for eyes, which didnt really go with his purple hair. He was cherry, and far too drippy.

Ghosted by Satch @ 07/09/2003 7:22 AM EDT

I don’t know if anyone’s reading down here anymore, but the inflatable Hulk muscles are nothing new. I remember as a kid (and it’s my birthday today:) they had something like that. It was still Hulk, but I think it only "pumped up" your chest.

I would also think the "Hulk Hands" would be theraputic. Huge foam hands that you can pound the wall with when your angry, and if your the quiet type will even do the yelling for you? I’m thinking about getting one of these things. :D

Ghosted by ShadowWing the Technorganic Autobot @ 07/13/2003 12:41 PM EDT

After readign this article, I have no choice but report Matt to the American Society for the Sessation of Ice Cream Kruelty (ASSPICK).

Ghosted by TOP1214 @ 07/15/2003 3:58 PM EDT

I can’t find what I’m looking for

Ghosted by Roman Valdez @ 10/27/2003 1:45 PM EST

I can’t find what I’m looking for

Ghosted by Roman Valdez @ 10/27/2003 1:45 PM EST

I can’t find what I’m looking for

Ghosted by Roman Valdez @ 10/27/2003 1:45 PM EST

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This entry was posted on Sunday, July 6th, 2003 at 5:44 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.