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06/30/2003: E.T. <3’s The Special Olympics.

In 1983, E.T. returned to our planet to support the Special Olympics. No seriously, he really did, and I’ve got the pictures to prove it. The ad spot was pretty famous in its day, which was nice considering the charity, even if it was a bit downtrodden and freakin odd. Basically, E.T. is shown frowning and smiling at a challenged kid who keeps falling down. I’ve included a video clip because, let’s face it, this is something you need to see. As a special bonus, keep an eye out for the morally bankrupt comic towards the end.

July 4th is nearing, and we’re hosting a party. Whereas patriotic flags and fireworks are the norm, I’ve decided it’d be better to go for a luau theme. Mostly because I can finally justify buying a set of Tiki God lawn stake lights. I’ll try to post pics when everything’s on display, though considering the holiday, I’ll probably be a little more friendly to the cooler than my camera. I will say this, though: we bought a giant fishnet and 55,000 plastic crabs and lobsters. Every time I look at it, I feel closer to God.

Two things: First off, Matt, can I come to your BBQ? I’ll bring Jello (the only food even I can’t turn poisonous). Second, have you heard Stephen Lynch’s song Special Olympics? It’s probably the only song that will cause you to go to hell just by listening to it.

Nemesis, glad to see you’re free of the asylum. I love, love, LOVE every one of Stephen Lynch’s songs. He’s so goddamn funny. Matt, can I come to the BBQ and bring those tapes? I’ll buy a shit load of orange lavaburst and Screamin’ tangergreen. Whaddya say? Carrying on with my theme, who would win in a fight, Photog or a Baleen whale? Hmmm?

I just watched one of the greatest half hours of television ever, Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan on Super Sloppy Double Dare circa 1989. I can definitely say that I was 10 times more excited about it than the two kids they were playing alongside on the show. The ending was fantastic, with Heenan and his kid running the obstacle course. Near the end of the course, Heenan was doing an obstacle and when he finished what should he find but Gorilla with the kid in a headlock, preventing completion of the course! When Heenan ran over to get his partner back Gorilla hurled The Brain into a vat of mud. Excellent. Mark Sommers, possibly as a result of his crippling obsessive compulsive disorder, declared the course a foul and awarded all the prizes to BOTH contestants! Simply incredible…

Stephen Lynch…I like most of his songs. "I bought a gerbil at the petting zoo/if Richard Gere can do it I can too…" The Comedy Central special was great - better than the CD. He needs a live audience to do his best.

I’m sure if I lived in the tri-state I would have been invited.
We all know why there were so many empty seats when they rereleased the movie. Because the E.T. they were showing was not the same E.T. we saw in 1983! Walkie-Talkies, bah! Steven Speilberg needs to pull his head out of his patootie before we end up with a rerelease of Jaws with a CGI-rendered underwater song-and-dance number.

Matt, challengetards? Wow, I’ll be sure to look you up when I get to hell, scout out the real estate for me because I know I’m going.

On a sad note, I am headed to North Carolina to jump out of airplanes, so I won’t be able to get to my computer for a long while…and I can’t use a public computer because computers seem to think x-entertainment is a porn site….what in thee hell? Oh well, I’m vapor, hope by the time I’m back online Nathan Bitner is found…

I blame the failure of the re-release of ET on the removal of the phrase "penis breath" from the film. The film ain’t nothing without penis-breath.

If matt can be a horrible person, so can I!
A mentally retarded guy goes to a store. He walks in and says, "I wanna fob.". The store clerk answers, "What do you want?" "Fob!" the retard replies. "Oh! a JOB!" says the clerk. "All you gotta do is buy me a gallon of gas, a bucket, and a cocker spaniel, then the job is yours." ofay," replies the retard.

The retard goes to the gas station. A young man is at the counter. The retard says "i want some ass" The man at the counter is bewildered. "Whta do you want?" "I want some ass." is the reply. The young man, putting two and two together, realizes he wants some gas. so he gives him the gas and the retard leaves.

The retard next goes to the Quik-E-Mart. An old woman is at the counter. "I wanna fuck it." says the retard. "Oh my Lord! Why would you want that?" says the old woman. The retard points to a bucket and says"Fuck it." "Oh!" says the old woman. The retard leaves.

Next he goes to the Pet Shop. A young woman is at the counter. "I wana cock and spank it." says the retard. The young woman understands what he wants and, without saying a word, goes and gets him a cocker spaniel.

Well as it turns out, while the young man was walking to the place he wanted to work, the cocker spaniel runs away. He goes up to a man and syas, "Hold my ass and fuck it while I get my cock and spank it."

If it were possible on this blog, m00, I think you’d be eligible for a ban for life.

On topic, did anyone else notice the kid’s eyes? I think he really needed to get some sleep. Or lay off the heroin. Or report his abusive father to the police.

Crap, that’s banning material too. Good thing I don’t have to register for this here blog.

Matt-
Party City sells 7 foot tall inflatable palm trees for around $11. I had one at my luau type party and everyone loved it. It’s amazing how much luau stuff they have there.

I’ve got it, Mutton! (though from Oriental Trading, which is cheaper but the actual distributor for much of Party City’s shit) I even got the 5 foot inflatable Tiki God.

"Penis breath" was NOT removed. That was just an assumed rumor that people thought because of the other retar- sorry, "challengedtarted" censorship in the movie. Hippie is just not funny, and… Zoom on his keys while playing a threatining drumroll? WTF? Albeit good skill with the Photoshopping, this STILL has the stink of post-911 timidness due to the scary aura they had around the guns. I just hate the way Spielberg acted like none of it should have been there in the first place. "It was just stupid that these cops would chase kids around with guns. Never should have been there, I’m just glad I’m getting the chance to change all that." Bullshit. Like a cop would take the time to replace his gun with keys just because the car-jacking conspirators who raided a NASA base are mostly under 18? Dumbasscrapfuck. And the terrorist line was funny. I’m just glad BTTF didn’t get shafted on its DVD release because, face it, in the end, the dumbass Libyans gut fucked anyway. It’s inspirational.

Give a man a topic, and he’ll rant for an hour. Give a man a website, and he’ll rant for 3+ years.

Did some research…apparently "penis breath" was only removed when the movie was originally released in Australia, but has since been restored. Thank the gods.

My favorite euphemism for the physically handicapped comes from The Onion: Gotards.

The guns being replaced didn;t bother me as much as Lucas’ wimpy "Greedo fired the first shot" change in Star Wars.

It’s weird…I remember the Special Olympics ET ad coming out at a time when I was afraid of ET. I offer no explanation for this behavior, because I have none. ET scared me in the Special Olympics ad. He was like some feeble old man who came out of the bushes to help the kid in the wheelchair, but he was a scary feeble old man.

HERE’s a commercial for X-E: the old Reese’s Pieces ad with the wannabe ET in it: "eetagramulphabets". Anybody who was there maaan in the 80s will remember that one. Maybe it was M&M’s trying to coddle up to ET. In the novelization of the movie, it in fact *was* a trail of M&M’s, *not* Reese’s Pieces, that ET followed.

I always hoped that someday if I became crippled or "challenged" as they like to call it nowadays, that I could be awarded a gold medal for wheelchair water polo directly by E.T.

Now that I no longer fear ET, I have a similar dream involving being "challenged" & having ET keep the rifle barrel level for the skeet shooting event.

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This entry was posted on Monday, June 30th, 2003 at 4:06 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.