Hi, this is me, procrastinating against the next article because it's a movie review that'll take fifteen years to finish. Really don't know why I do 'em the way I do 'em sometimes -- I'd have to bet that not even half the readers are willing to read through an entire movie review in my format, which is understandable, but I always picture lonely people with boxes of Wheat Thins sitting at their comps in the middle of the night looking for something endless and easy to kill their time. Especially with the horror reviews, as this next one is, that's basically who I'm writing for. It's a little frustrating when I realize that the shortest, most easily written articles on the site were the most popular. Example: I hated the Breakfast From Hell article when I put it up, almost to the point of taking it down and just sidelinking it elsewhere. And that one turned out to be, if not the most popular column, certainly the most read. Part of me wonders why I don't stick to that kinda stuff, quick and easy, but the reality is that this site has always been an amalgam of what I've personally liked -- once I start catering, it's no longer from my piteous, blackened, blackened chicken heart.
This is me, still procrastinating. Let me tell you about 'MusicBot.' I found him many months ago at -- no wait, it was from eBay I think. Can't really remember, but he came in a big box of stuff and cost next to nothing. Looking much like something Tomy would put out, I hopped on the chance to pick him up. MusicBot is around 5" tall, though much bulkier than the height would suggest, and is about as classic as a robot can get. This is the ultimate stereotypical robot -- ask any six-year-old who hasn't seen R2-D2 to draw you a robot, and this is what they'll hand you. When Musicy arrived, I noticed that he was battery operated. For all of these months, I've wondered what he'd do with a working pair of double-As. I don't know if too much caffeine or general ennui was to blame, but I finally brought myself to buy him some new power cylinders.
Now, MusicBot has wheels that originally let him roll around the floor with reckless abandon, but they no longer work. Instead, all I received was the sound of gears that get very loud when they have no wheels to turn. VERY loud -- envision an electric saw cutting through a television set, and then mark it up by putting the whole image next to the world's biggest amplifier. It's that loud, but that's not all MusicBot was capable of.
OH WHEN THE SAINTS BEEP WHEN THE SAINTS BEEP BEEP SAINTS BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP. Yes, with beeps in place of words, MusicBot wails off the loudest rendition of Oh When The Saints Go Marching In you'll ever hear. It's absolutely unreal -- probably the loudest toy I've ever molested. As an added bonus, the process is iced with electronic glowing eyes that blink in tune with the song, so all in all, this was a pretty freakin impressive little robot. Made by Playtime, it's one of three different from a series. His pals had other gimmicks, and knew nothing about music. In playing with this, I've realized that robots are a lost art in today's world of kiddy toys. Sure, there's plenty of bots for sale, but they're either 500 dollar Lego sets or 10 dollar cheap pieces of crap that vaguely fire plastic missiles. I'd love to see something like MusicBot hit the market again -- affordable, fun, able to drown out the howls of neighbor dogs.
I think I'm finished procrastinating. The article should be up today. As for which movie I'm reviewing: it's got something to do with Clive Barker, but nothing to do with the Hellraiser films. Does that help?
Posted by Matt on 06/19/2003. E-mail me!
Chestnuts roasted by 
I just realized that that robot looks like he’s flipping us off in the last picture. Or maybe like he’s doing that Pope gesture. You know? That gesture? That the Pope does? Rue McClanahan (a.k.a. Blanche Deveraux) mocks it in Nunsense?
Yeah, I know: I’m twelve. I should return this twenty-five year-old’s body now.