In 1983, E.T. returned to our planet to support the Special Olympics.  No seriously, he really did, and I've got the pictures to prove it.  The ad spot was pretty famous in its day, which was nice considering the charity, even if it was a bit downtrodden and freakin odd.  Basically, E.T. is shown frowning and smiling at a challenged kid who keeps falling down.  I've included a video clip because, let's face it, this is something you need to see.  As a special bonus, keep an eye out for the morally bankrupt comic towards the end.

July 4th is nearing, and we're hosting a party.  Whereas patriotic flags and fireworks are the norm, I've decided it'd be better to go for a luau theme.  Mostly because I can finally justify buying a set of Tiki God lawn stake lights.  I'll try to post pics when everything's on display, though considering the holiday, I'll probably be a little more friendly to the cooler than my camera.  I will say this, though: we bought a giant fishnet and 55,000 plastic crabs and lobsters.  Every time I look at it, I feel closer to God.

What were Kronoforms?  Those wristwatches that transformed into robots, silly.  Most commonly seen in cheap, knockoff versions over the years, these watches actually had an official start.  Made by Takara, Kronoforms were 'time warriors that tell time.'  Clever.  Verrry clever.  The tribute includes a link to download what's probably the only commercial Kronoforms ever had, starring a feisty character known only as 'Robot Kid.'

No new article today, had to finish the print columns and then became really engulfed in ripping cuticles off of my fingers.  You know how it is.  Quick update though — just got a bonanza of new material to cover, and it's real good stuff.  Well, it's 'good stuff' if you like what I like, and I assume you wouldn't be reading this unless that was the case.  Lots of new commercials a' comin, but several of them were conductive to full reviews — the first one'll be up tomorrow.  I've got even more on the way, so by the end of the month, I think I'll own pretty much every commercial spot that's ever aired on television.  Except the PSA where Mr. Wing and Gizmo talk about drunk driving.  I really want that one..

So last night, I got this idea in my head.  Wouldn't go away.  Had to be done.  What was it?  I needed to make my own Krang, of Ninja Turtles fame.  No household is complete without its very own Krang, and this article tells you how it's done.  Really, for serious, it's there, with pictures.  That wouldn't be enough for a feature on its own, so you can also read my episode review for The Shredder Is Splintered on the same damn page.  For those curious, that's the episode where Krang finally received his stupid fat bald panties-wearing android body.  Enjoy.

Also, check this out.  It's an article I did for UGO about the top eleven movies where people get eaten by animals.  Jaws, Anaconda, fucking Congo, all yer faves.  I've been a busy boy, and busy boys eventually need to get away from keyboards to drink girly drinks in the hot sun.  See you later…

It's baaack.  Well, sort of.  We've seen Slimer's Hi-C Ecto Cooler on the site before, and through some feedback on his most recent appearance, I learned the deepest, darkest secret of the fruit juice aisle.  For those who need a refresher course, 'Ecto Cooler' took an already established Hi-C flavor — some kind of mutated orange that wasn't doing too well — and added everyone's favorite Ghostbusters luminary to the box.  That's all it took to make the juice standard lunchbox fare in its heyday, and there wasn't a kid in America who hadn't tried the stuff at least once.

I was more of a Ssips iced tea man myself, but that damn box was just too engaging to resist.  I don't care what kind of awful luncheon meat littered your brown bad — if it had Ecto Cooler inside, you were on top of the world.  The beverage lasted far longer than The Real Ghostbusters' appeal, enabling Slimer to extend his wave of popularity much longer than the toon versions of Bill Murray and that guy from Congo.  As with all good things, Ecto Cooler eventually ceased to exist.  Or did it?

Apparently, Hi-C's current 'Orange Lavaburst' flavor bears a striking resemblance in taste to Slimer's fabled citrus punch.  I was skeptical, since Ecto Cooler has been the target of many awful rumors over the years.  Do a web search on it — you'll find everything from desperately makeshift home recipes to false diatribes about how it's still sold in some Poughkeepsie general store that's fronted by an old man who always - ALWAYS carries a pitchfork.  I've been disappointed too many times, and wasn't sure I could handle another Ecto letdown.  Still, a ten-pack of Orange Lavaburst only costs around three bucks.  If I was going to be disappointed, at least I'd still be able to afford a comforting box of Apple Cinnamon Cheerios.  With my fingers crossed and my hopes high, I forked the cash over to the lovely cashier and prepared myself for the grand experiment.

Unbelievably, it IS Ecto Cooler.  This isn't wishful thinking, and I'm not crazy.  Anyone who'd been lucky enough to experience the original knows that it had an unmistakable taste, and while you might not remember that taste outright, it'll certainly come back to you as soon as this shit hits your tongue.  It's really Ecto Cooler — we're saved!  It's a tough flavor to describe, but you know, it's actually not that bad.  I've got one of those tongues that's ultrasensitive to drinks meant for second graders, and yet here I am, sipping away with reckless abandon.  I'm on the fourth box already.  Soon it'll be five, then six, then ten and another trip to the damn grocery store.  Fortunately, I heard that the guy who owns Hi-C really enjoyed Richard Pryor's work in Superman III, and that's definitely the type of person I don't mind funneling money towards.

The one thing that's not entirely perfect is the beverage's color.  Sort of a cross between lemonade and beer piss.  Easily fixed with a few droplets of green food coloring, as evidenced in the second picture up above.  Doesn't change the mighty taste one bit, and if you're willing to forgive a slightly green tinge on your lips and teeth, you're practically drinking Slimer's sweat.  And really, isn't that the whole point of Ecto Cooler?  Eating a little part of Slimer in an effort to be a little more like him?  As far as I know, Orange Lavaburst is one of Hi-C's more popular flavors, and doesn't seem anywhere near a curtain call.  We've got at least a few years left of surrogate Ecto Cooler to enjoy, so what are you waiting for?  Go, go and buy it.  Drink the drink Slimer made famous.  Even if you weren't into Ghostbusters, 'Lavaburst' is a pretty cool name on its own.  Just rolls right off the tongue, like a Hallmark greeting or a handful of marbles.  Personally, this discovery has provided the most uplifting moment of the century thus far, and while it sucks that ol' Slimey couldn't show his mug on the Lavaburst box, at least we know he's somewhere inside it.  Somewhere deep inside it, swimming around, happy, ready to be drunk.  Yeah.

Yuck.

As we've seen, Chips Ahoy! succeeded where no other cookies have by mixing great taste, ten trillion chocolate chips, and some pretty clever ad campaigns.  The commercials are typically fantastic, but even the print ads were something to behold.  The one shown below was found in a magazine I'm not going to name, because it'll eventually be reviewed on the site.  Nothing beats surprises.

Striped Chips Ahoy! no longer exist, and yes, it's a reason to cry.  Taking the normal goodness of a Chips Ahoy cookie and smearing its ass with a healthy dose of milk chocolate would've sufficed, but Nabisco went further and even striped the shit with it.  The end results were marvelous and marvelously fatty, but really, this was the best way to eat a single cookie in several bites.  The stripes helped segregate each cookie into easily bitten sections, adding a hint of math and fractions to an otherwise uneducational snack.

(click to enlarge)

Yep, by printing out this ad and grabbing a pair of scissors, you can illustrate the Chips Ahoy! striping process with your very own flip book.  What, you have something better to do?  Cookie crafts are always the best kind, so get printin, get cuttin, and get flippin.  Do it now, before Nabisco manifests itself as a two-headed demon that maims anyone who doesn't worship it.